Creative Disagreement--trying to find the underlying principle

[Poppy98]

I am trying to gather a list of joking/odd ways to communicate a need for a change in behavior in order to not sound confrontational.




"I do love the boots, but if I don't even get to keep them can we put them somewhere I don't trip over them."



I'll add more when I can think of them and you can add too!

 

[Outdated]

Aussies tend to be a bit more blunt than that. "Move them or lose them lady!"

 

[Hypnalis]

"I do love the boots, but if I don't even get to keep them can we put them somewhere I don't trip over them."

If this is a real scenario, start by splitting out the two parts:
1. Boots in the way
2. Something very strange about the status of the boots

(1) is easy, and needs no fancy packaging.

(2) is weird. If someone is playing stupid games, you interfere with the game. But that's all about the game, not about the boots. If you want useful input you need to explain the context first.

 

[Rodafina]

joking/odd ways to communicate

This sounds like a recipe for misunderstandings or sounding passive aggressive.

Another way to say what you shared above could just be, “I keep tripping on these boots. Is there a different place that we could keep them? I would appreciate that so much.”

Might be more helpful to look into basic conflict resolution techniques to be more clear. Any confrontation can be difficult, no doubt, but it might be more useful to put your energy into getting comfortable with it.

Spoiler

 

[Poppy98]

If you want useful input you need to explain the context first.

As you said, it could be a game, but with this person, it's also possible that it's them being thoughtless instead of malicious, so for the moment I'm leaving space for that possibility.

If someone is playing stupid games, you interfere with the game.

How so, if you wanted to say? (It's fine if you don't want to say more too.)

 

[Masked Man]

Aussies tend to be a bit more blunt than that. "Move them or lose them lady!"

I'm going to go along with this, but softened a bit (because this is my style of communication).

"We need to move these because they're in the way and they're a trip hazard."

 

[Hypnalis]

As you said, it could be a game, but with this person, it's also possible that it's them being thoughtless instead of malicious, so for the moment I'm leaving space for that possibility.

Assuming it's the person who made the "kiss attack", that's crossed my mind already.

If they're confused (and possibly a little crazy) but not malevolent, the moves are completely different. You initially treat it as a misunderstanding, and the strongest criticisms early on are things like "it makes me uncomfortable when you do X".
This has no effect on a narcissist OFC (they see it as weakness), but it can open a door with e.g. someone who's "non-ASD ND".

How so, if you wanted to say? (It's fine if you don't want to say more too.)

I don't mind making suggestions, but there's no simple answer for an outsider (i.e. me) because I have too little information.

The soft opening above is an example of a possible approach in the right situation. And BTW starting soft is rarely a mistake either way. It's much easier to escalate at need than to de-escalate after a mistake.

One (of many possible) different scenario:
A narc is different. You find out what they want, and deny it to them. As politely and non-confrontationally as possible, but you can't negotiate with a narc. You talk to them only to control the situation, which generally means preparing your means your responses for after you deny them something they want.

You can appeal to the better nature of people who are avoidant, have conflicting goals, and/or are mildly crazy.
But narcs don't have one, so there can be no real discussion with them.

 

[Judge]

Sometimes the best thing to do is to in a perceived stalemate is to simply cite, "We agree to disagree", and just leave it at that.

When further confrontation is both likely, and pointless.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I haven't found an "underlying principle" per se. Context and perspective are important considerations. Who is it coming from? Who is the receiver? Is it a preference? Is it an opinion? Are there legitimate safety/well-being concerns? So forth and so on. Each situation is different.

 

[Poppy98]

Assuming it's the person who made the "kiss attack", that's crossed my mind already

I should probably give pseudonyms to people to make it a little clearer. Idk if I already assigned a pseudonym, but the boots person is "Terri" and she's the same person who keeps putting contaminated stuff on my clean laundry, purse etc.

Ths kiss attacker was "Janet" the bully-felon. They're sort-of friends. Neither is nice but Janet is much worse. Terri acts like the godfather. I think it is highly possible that she is consciously manipulating and a narcicist because 99% of her behavior is manipulative. However she's also just gotten back into drugs so being clueless is either a possibility or a trick she is using to get away with weird things.


The boots are constantly being put in front of my door and everywhere but she also has her stuff in many places the landlord has already told her that she cannot and she continues to spread out. Putting them in front of my door may be because her clutter has spread that far and when on drugs people aren't always skilled at being organized (depending on which type they re using).

 

[Hypnalis]

Still a bit mysterious, but let's just look at the boots problem:

Is there any possibility they're being placed at your door by accident? Or are you sure it's a deliberate act?.

Accidental might happen if your door is at a very good point to switch from boots to socks, so boots removed, walk to own door, open with key, enter, forget boots.

From Wikipedia "Event Perception" (this is about mental processing - definitely TMI for the boot issue, but understanding the "doorway effect" is very useful:
Event boundaries can also lead to forgetting. According to EST, when event models are updated, information belonging to the prior event is discarded from working memory.
This accounts for the short-term memory loss commonly experienced when people walk through doorways, or change tasks. The "doorway effect" is observed even when participants traverse virtual spaces in VR, or imagine themselves walking through a doorway.
OTOH if Terry the boot girl has to make an effort to leave the boots in your doorway, it's deliberate.

There are other cases OFC - think about it, and post here.

BTW if boot-girl is a narc, and you react, expect some verbal drama.
Narcs are always keen to explain to their victims why anything that doesn't suit the narc is the victims fault. They're just NPCs though - politeness is tactically useful, but you don't owe a narc them honesty.
You can prepare a script in advance.

Here's the Narc's prayer:
- That didn't happen.
- And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
- And if it was, that's not a big deal.
- And if it is, that's not my fault.
- And if it was, I didn't mean it.
- And if I did, you deserved it.

This is an ok expansion of it, but it's not necessary to deconstruct it to be able to counter it. The main point is that they're unable to listen to valid criticism or reasonable requests.
The Narcissist's Prayer