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Counterproductive parental advice... (Self Esteem)

The Phantom

Well-Known Member
If any of you have read my other posts, you might know that I suffer from low-self esteem and depression. Well, I know this isn't exactly related to Aspergers per say, but this forum is really the only place I have where I can talk to others anonymously and get advice (Besides the Youtube Comments section, but people get replies saying they're seeking attention, so that's really not the place for me)

I do many weird things because of my low self-esteem which bother my parents. Whenever I'm around a boy I don't really know or who is older/more popular I get extremely nervous and go to great lengths to avoid them, especially when I feel I look 'weird' or baby-ish or whatever. I don't like to be around kdis who are older than me, unless I know for sure they like me. I don't even like going to get food from a buffet in front of strangers. I know some of this could be AS, but also I've found some are just plain insecurity (I haven't mentioned everyhting, this is at the top of my head)

But I am kinda chubby, I have muscular legs and arms, but my thighs are kinda flabby and I've got a slightly visible stomach. My parents want me to go to the gym because I'm spending all my time in my room on my computer working on my personal stuff (Writing, music, etc) and I've treid explaining to them that I don't want to go to the gym because older kids hang around there and I'll feel stupid/ insecure. They've told me I"m being silly and to get over it (whiel completely ignoring the very obvious symptoms of depression that I have, also ignoring the fact that I'm getting (at my suggestion) counseling to I CLEARLY have some unresolved issues) but here is the problem: I feel they are part of the problem.

There is a whole post i could make on how their ignorance is affecting me, but I'll get to the point of this post.

My mom is a very fashionable woman, who wears really stylish clothes, jewelry, and stuff. SHe is also really young looking for her age (no surgery lol) (Ironically people tell me I could pass off for 16, so hopefully the whole looking older thing doesn't go too far lol)

Since I'm the only daughter (I have an older brother) naturally my very feminine mom would like me to be feminine myself. But the problem is I'm not. I want to be, I really do, but I'm at the point in my life where I feel silly when I dry and dress up. I'm looking to improve that eventually). My mom gets angry when I don't want to wear earrings, or dress girlier, or wear makeup (When all the other mom are begging for their daughters not too grow up too fast) and it really makes me upste when she gets' upset at me for that. She's made me cry before because I didn't wear lipgloss and earrings to my brothers band concert (where everyone dresses in casual clothes) and she gets mad when I don't carry around a purse. I like all the things she's mentioned and I want to be able to wear them, but right now I still feel silly when I wear them and I don't want to make myself more uncomfortable. But sometimes it seems she doesn't care if I'm uncomfortable with it.
Also, she's told me to wear different clothes because I look 'big' in them. Well for goodnesss sakes, you're getting mad when I feel stupidly insecure in front of others yet you tell me that I look big! I know she's my mom, but that's something that i feel parents don't get special privileges over. It's different if someone asks an opinion, but when someone get's an opinion in that regard when they weren't asking for it, it's only gonna create more problems. She constatnly get's upset when I don't like being around older/'cooler' people but she tells me that a certain shorts make me look big or a shirt makes me look chunky. She told me my haircut (which I LOVED when I got it, by the way) made me look like a boy (it was to the chin, not a pixie cut) and I didn't want to leave the house after that in fear someone would think it's weird. I'm just trying to feel confident in the clothes I wear so all of us won't have to get annoyed but then she says something when I'm feeling happy for once. She doesn't even like me wearing non-matching pyjamas.

Even so, both my parents get mad when I don't tell them anything (I haven't told them I'm depressed yet) but they yell at me when I cry! And I'm scared to talk to anyone about this (besides my counselor, who would never tell anyone) because when I tried tot alk to my aunt, someone my mom found out I said that my parents fight a lot, and my mom told me when I tell people this it makes her look like a terrible person. makes my parents look like bad parents. I feel really conflicted right now. I really hope you guys can give me advice! I will be posting another self-esteem related post in a moment if any of you are interested (however this one will relate to the personality, not body image)

Thank you so much!
 
the situation sounds very similar to what i call a "cloud of judgement"... i got very contradictory "advice" from my parents when i was young (one parent being bipolar, the other being mildly schizophrenic... so you can imagine the back and fourth there)... any compliment came with a "but..." so when i got an A++ on a project in like 3rd grade.. since then, it was always "good job you got an A+.. but you could have gotten an A++, you did it before".. granted being a guy there wasn't as much about appearance. but i was still always dressing "wrong".. my socks were too high, then they were too short (they were "supposed" to be calf height socks rolled down to a bit above ankle height...... yeah.....) and anything from a parent, even as screwed up as mine, always means more to a kid because.. well.. it's your parent. you're naturally supposed to look up to them and assume what they say is right.

i don't know any great way to fight the whole judgement thing, i'm working on it myself. basically.. as uninformative as it is.. you really do just need to "get over it" (god i hate that.. i need a logical reason for everything and "just do it" isn't it). what is you did just little things? don't go all out but maybe a pair of earrings on a random tuesday or such.. you said you want to dress more girly anyway (if you honestly do, thats fine.. if you want to do it just for your mother, stop and think about it) which i say because it doesn't sound like it's 100% something you want to do (the haircut for example)

i don't know exactly how old you are (if you're in school or not) but i will say this..... school or not, there will always be sucky people around. as you get older, they tend to shut up and will only bully you at work (if they're a boss or coworker) but on the street will leave you alone (with some exceptions to every rule)....... so as long as you're comfortable with how you look, you can be comfortable with who you are and it will help with the depression. it's not a cure, but it's a long term big help

feel free to message me if you want.... i have some stuff going on in my own life so i end up missing a lot of forum posts
 
the situation sounds very similar to what i call a "cloud of judgement"... i got very contradictory "advice" from my parents when i was young (one parent being bipolar, the other being mildly schizophrenic... so you can imagine the back and fourth there)... any compliment came with a "but..." so when i got an A++ on a project in like 3rd grade.. since then, it was always "good job you got an A+.. but you could have gotten an A++, you did it before".. granted being a guy there wasn't as much about appearance. but i was still always dressing "wrong".. my socks were too high, then they were too short (they were "supposed" to be calf height socks rolled down to a bit above ankle height...... yeah.....) and anything from a parent, even as screwed up as mine, always means more to a kid because.. well.. it's your parent. you're naturally supposed to look up to them and assume what they say is right.

i don't know any great way to fight the whole judgement thing, i'm working on it myself. basically.. as uninformative as it is.. you really do just need to "get over it" (god i hate that.. i need a logical reason for everything and "just do it" isn't it). what is you did just little things? don't go all out but maybe a pair of earrings on a random tuesday or such.. you said you want to dress more girly anyway (if you honestly do, thats fine.. if you want to do it just for your mother, stop and think about it) which i say because it doesn't sound like it's 100% something you want to do (the haircut for example)

i don't know exactly how old you are (if you're in school or not) but i will say this..... school or not, there will always be sucky people around. as you get older, they tend to shut up and will only bully you at work (if they're a boss or coworker) but on the street will leave you alone (with some exceptions to every rule)....... so as long as you're comfortable with how you look, you can be comfortable with who you are and it will help with the depression. it's not a cure, but it's a long term big help

feel free to message me if you want.... i have some stuff going on in my own life so i end up missing a lot of forum posts

Good to know you've dealt with similar things. My parenst have to diagnosed disorders, but my dad is pretty srue he's god OCD (my brother and i inherited those traits), my mom is a bit complicated on that matter, so I don't know. I'm prettty sure my brother has tourettes though, so as you can see we definitely won the genetic jackpot lol. And your right on the whole parent thing, not matter what they're going through, their opinion usually means so much to a kid.

As for trying to be more girly, I'm a bit of an all-or nothing kinda person. I'm an 8th grader (basically 13, to answer your question) and so next year I'm going to high school. I want to do that dramatic movie transformation (not really, but you get it lol) where the frumpy girl gets a makeover/ new clothes and stuff just so I can feel happier. I feel like it will make me more confident. But At the moment I just don't feel motivated to do that, especially when I still feel silly doing so. Also, I don't want to do it just to make my mom happy, because I want her to know I can't sacrifice my comfort to make her happy. I know she is my mom and I have major respect for her authority as a parent, but there are just some things you don't force on a young kid.

And yeah, I know it get's better, I honestly like the High school kids so much better (the ones a year above us, a lot of them are very nice to me) so I'm looking forward to that, all the kids say that the high school kids are really nice (kinda contradicts my other statement about feeling judged around them, but it's really complicated) and thankfully I'll have more classes with them and not so much the shallow (well, some of them) kids of my grade.

And I just realized, it isn't my parents either. My brother says things to me too. And to be honest, that one hurts the msot. My brother and I are very close and get along really well, but he is college age so we don't spend that much time together anymore (I'm not bothered by it, it's natural, not like I'm very social myself lol) but he has always been really skinny, and he was pretty insecure about it when he was my age. The he started hitting the gym and getting ripped lol. But when I eat a little bit more than he thinks I should he laughs at me. And when my uncle gave me a granola bar my brother asked me 'Are you serious? You're going to get fat" and I've cried so much about how he said that to me. My parents have told him off but he doesn't understand and he gave a half-hearted apology. What really p!$$ses my off it that his girl he likes/has dated is bigger than me -_- lol but really what the hell. It hurts because it seems like he cares about this girl more than me (I know I know, I should grow thicker skin, but my brothers opinion means a lot to me, possibbly more than my parents at times) I didn't even eat that much, just some soup and a crabcake and about 3 oysters and he otld me I was gonna get fat when he east a plate full of rice so he can gain weight. I know he has his issues too much I don't tell him he looks emaciated. My unlce got me a burger (he insisted) and I tried hiding it form my brother, but he saw me eating it and laughed ( I didn't know what he was laughing at though, the burger/me eating it or how uncomfortable I was)

And thanks for the offer :)


It sounds like your mom also has a self esteem problem.


Yeah, I have thought about that. She gives us hell when we don't shower her with gits no mothers day so I think she's got issues too. Hopefully that can be resolved.
 
well... since you're physically changing buildings it is a lot easier to do that big change. will it end up like the movies? well dont expect the star quarterback to drop to his knees and every girl to shame their heads lol.. but it can work in a positive way. my father had his breakdown when i was 13 and tried killing the family.. so, without any more detail, clearly i was pretty depressed at that time. by highschool i decided to buy all my clothing on ebay so i got a bunch of different colored ruffled tuxedo shirts with a black wool tuxedo jacket and various dress pants with a pair of black dress shoe doc martins..... not 1 teacher knew wtf to do with me lol. and i promise nobody in school dressed even close to that lol.
i can't say it helped my gain friends or anything, but i'm still weird with that (hanging out with people for no reason is just... pointless to me) and i clearly did get some bullying over it (lets face it, it's a weird outfit for any gender at any age for any public reason)... but a lot of people actually just became really interested in me because i was so weird and all of the ASD quirks i had were amazingly confusing to them. at the time "aspergers" wasn't a term so most people, kids especially, just knew severe mental retardation issues.... and some super weird kids lol. but even today i'll get comments on various disney and cartoon shirts i wear and my neon socks lol...... so long drawn out story short, go for it. just make sure you're comfortable. even if that means you want giant hoop earrings and mom wants diamond studs... wear the hoops. if mom complains tell her "i'm wearing earrings aren't i? thats what you wanted me to do" and keep the ones you like on. of course i'm assuming you'll have a "typical feminine" attire as well.. aka: not graffiti jeans and a plaid shirt with work boots lol

i'm an only child so this is more of an observation than direct experience.... but generally with siblings there's a lot of various factors. parents you tend to "expect" certain responses that they need to say just because they're a parent. siblings.. don't have those rules. maybe the big brother needs to try and scare your first boyfriend, or you (as a sister) need to hate his girlfriend..... but that's about it and those arent even necessities. so what the sibling says can be taken differently and applied more as a friend than family response.. but with the weight of still being family so it can be the most important of all relationships excluding a spouse (or could even trump that but that would just be a bit weird to me lol)
honestly it doesn't sound like anybody (yourself included) is fat in your family... however this is coming from a kid who had an italian mother so all food was pasta based and i lived with my grandparents on dads side so snacks were also plentiful lol... needless to say, i'm over medical book weight. but, as long as you're not going under whatever the medical book weight would be for your height/frame/age/gender (all changing factors) if you're comfortable, be comfortable. i'm not saying let yourself get to my point.. but a couple extra crackers won't kill you. and think about when you're sick.. if you get a stomach flu or such you can't eat for days and you're always in the bathroom so you easily lose a couple pounds each day. my grandmother called it "fighting weight". i'm just trying to say to try and not let it bother you as much.. i know, it's not easy. i was working for 3yrs for free with my aunt and her boyfriend because i felt bad.. at the end of it i realized i had paid 400/mo for the last 5-6 months of my own money to keep working.. without even realizing it (just quit this past weekend).... that much may never get easier but it is something you certainly will need as a skill in life
 
One thing I want to ask after reading all this.

Are you good at recognizing sarcastic remarks/jokes?
Sometimes when people tell you not to eat something because you'll get fat, they don't mean that you are getting fat but they are just making a joke. A lot of people with autism are bad at distinguishing the difference between rude bullying and sarcastic remarks. They might just be trying to be funny in a dumb way.

Yes humans are weird and things you have to learn to be around, but sometimes the behavior they (we) show isn't the same thing as they (we) are trying to show to the outside world
 

well... since you're physically changing buildings it is a lot easier to do that big change. will it end up like the movies? well dont expect the star quarterback to drop to his knees and every girl to shame their heads lol.. but it can work in a positive way. my father had his breakdown when i was 13 and tried killing the family.. so, without any more detail, clearly i was pretty depressed at that time. by highschool i decided to buy all my clothing on ebay so i got a bunch of different colored ruffled tuxedo shirts with a black wool tuxedo jacket and various dress pants with a pair of black dress shoe doc martins..... not 1 teacher knew wtf to do with me lol. and i promise nobody in school dressed even close to that lol.
i can't say it helped my gain friends or anything, but i'm still weird with that (hanging out with people for no reason is just... pointless to me) and i clearly did get some bullying over it (lets face it, it's a weird outfit for any gender at any age for any public reason)... but a lot of people actually just became really interested in me because i was so weird and all of the ASD quirks i had were amazingly confusing to them. at the time "aspergers" wasn't a term so most people, kids especially, just knew severe mental retardation issues.... and some super weird kids lol. but even today i'll get comments on various disney and cartoon shirts i wear and my neon socks lol...... so long drawn out story short, go for it. just make sure you're comfortable. even if that means you want giant hoop earrings and mom wants diamond studs... wear the hoops. if mom complains tell her "i'm wearing earrings aren't i? thats what you wanted me to do" and keep the ones you like on. of course i'm assuming you'll have a "typical feminine" attire as well.. aka: not graffiti jeans and a plaid shirt with work boots lol

i'm an only child so this is more of an observation than direct experience.... but generally with siblings there's a lot of various factors. parents you tend to "expect" certain responses that they need to say just because they're a parent. siblings.. don't have those rules. maybe the big brother needs to try and scare your first boyfriend, or you (as a sister) need to hate his girlfriend..... but that's about it and those arent even necessities. so what the sibling says can be taken differently and applied more as a friend than family response.. but with the weight of still being family so it can be the most important of all relationships excluding a spouse (or could even trump that but that would just be a bit weird to me lol)
honestly it doesn't sound like anybody (yourself included) is fat in your family... however this is coming from a kid who had an italian mother so all food was pasta based and i lived with my grandparents on dads side so snacks were also plentiful lol... needless to say, i'm over medical book weight. but, as long as you're not going under whatever the medical book weight would be for your height/frame/age/gender (all changing factors) if you're comfortable, be comfortable. i'm not saying let yourself get to my point.. but a couple extra crackers won't kill you. and think about when you're sick.. if you get a stomach flu or such you can't eat for days and you're always in the bathroom so you easily lose a couple pounds each day. my grandmother called it "fighting weight". i'm just trying to say to try and not let it bother you as much.. i know, it's not easy. i was working for 3yrs for free with my aunt and her boyfriend because i felt bad.. at the end of it i realized i had paid 400/mo for the last 5-6 months of my own money to keep working.. without even realizing it (just quit this past weekend).... that much may never get easier but it is something you certainly will need as a skill in life[QUOTE/]

LOL I know it won't be like the movies hahaha, I made that reference as a joke. But I do think It'll make me feel more confident, so that's really the only thing I was going for, everything else is just a bonus lol. And yeah I could go the 'strange' route so peopel will be fascinated with me, but I'm kinda already doing that so it would be a missed opportunity haha.

One thing I want to ask after reading all this.

Are you good at recognizing sarcastic remarks/jokes?
Sometimes when people tell you not to eat something because you'll get fat, they don't mean that you are getting fat but they are just making a joke. A lot of people with autism are bad at distinguishing the difference between rude bullying and sarcastic remarks. They might just be trying to be funny in a dumb way.

Yes humans are weird and things you have to learn to be around, but sometimes the behavior they (we) show isn't the same thing as they (we) are trying to show to the outside world

It depends, sometimes I pick it up quickly, others times I couldn't be more oblivious. But I can tell when my brother is joking or not. When he was laughing at me I wasn't sure, but when he told me I was going to get fat the tone of his voice showed he was serious, and he told me he didn't mean to make me cry but he was just concerned about me.
[/QUOTE]
 

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