The Phantom
Well-Known Member
If any of you have read my other posts, you might know that I suffer from low-self esteem and depression. Well, I know this isn't exactly related to Aspergers per say, but this forum is really the only place I have where I can talk to others anonymously and get advice (Besides the Youtube Comments section, but people get replies saying they're seeking attention, so that's really not the place for me)
I do many weird things because of my low self-esteem which bother my parents. Whenever I'm around a boy I don't really know or who is older/more popular I get extremely nervous and go to great lengths to avoid them, especially when I feel I look 'weird' or baby-ish or whatever. I don't like to be around kdis who are older than me, unless I know for sure they like me. I don't even like going to get food from a buffet in front of strangers. I know some of this could be AS, but also I've found some are just plain insecurity (I haven't mentioned everyhting, this is at the top of my head)
But I am kinda chubby, I have muscular legs and arms, but my thighs are kinda flabby and I've got a slightly visible stomach. My parents want me to go to the gym because I'm spending all my time in my room on my computer working on my personal stuff (Writing, music, etc) and I've treid explaining to them that I don't want to go to the gym because older kids hang around there and I'll feel stupid/ insecure. They've told me I"m being silly and to get over it (whiel completely ignoring the very obvious symptoms of depression that I have, also ignoring the fact that I'm getting (at my suggestion) counseling to I CLEARLY have some unresolved issues) but here is the problem: I feel they are part of the problem.
There is a whole post i could make on how their ignorance is affecting me, but I'll get to the point of this post.
My mom is a very fashionable woman, who wears really stylish clothes, jewelry, and stuff. SHe is also really young looking for her age (no surgery lol) (Ironically people tell me I could pass off for 16, so hopefully the whole looking older thing doesn't go too far lol)
Since I'm the only daughter (I have an older brother) naturally my very feminine mom would like me to be feminine myself. But the problem is I'm not. I want to be, I really do, but I'm at the point in my life where I feel silly when I dry and dress up. I'm looking to improve that eventually). My mom gets angry when I don't want to wear earrings, or dress girlier, or wear makeup (When all the other mom are begging for their daughters not too grow up too fast) and it really makes me upste when she gets' upset at me for that. She's made me cry before because I didn't wear lipgloss and earrings to my brothers band concert (where everyone dresses in casual clothes) and she gets mad when I don't carry around a purse. I like all the things she's mentioned and I want to be able to wear them, but right now I still feel silly when I wear them and I don't want to make myself more uncomfortable. But sometimes it seems she doesn't care if I'm uncomfortable with it.
Also, she's told me to wear different clothes because I look 'big' in them. Well for goodnesss sakes, you're getting mad when I feel stupidly insecure in front of others yet you tell me that I look big! I know she's my mom, but that's something that i feel parents don't get special privileges over. It's different if someone asks an opinion, but when someone get's an opinion in that regard when they weren't asking for it, it's only gonna create more problems. She constatnly get's upset when I don't like being around older/'cooler' people but she tells me that a certain shorts make me look big or a shirt makes me look chunky. She told me my haircut (which I LOVED when I got it, by the way) made me look like a boy (it was to the chin, not a pixie cut) and I didn't want to leave the house after that in fear someone would think it's weird. I'm just trying to feel confident in the clothes I wear so all of us won't have to get annoyed but then she says something when I'm feeling happy for once. She doesn't even like me wearing non-matching pyjamas.
Even so, both my parents get mad when I don't tell them anything (I haven't told them I'm depressed yet) but they yell at me when I cry! And I'm scared to talk to anyone about this (besides my counselor, who would never tell anyone) because when I tried tot alk to my aunt, someone my mom found out I said that my parents fight a lot, and my mom told me when I tell people this it makes her look like a terrible person. makes my parents look like bad parents. I feel really conflicted right now. I really hope you guys can give me advice! I will be posting another self-esteem related post in a moment if any of you are interested (however this one will relate to the personality, not body image)
Thank you so much!
I do many weird things because of my low self-esteem which bother my parents. Whenever I'm around a boy I don't really know or who is older/more popular I get extremely nervous and go to great lengths to avoid them, especially when I feel I look 'weird' or baby-ish or whatever. I don't like to be around kdis who are older than me, unless I know for sure they like me. I don't even like going to get food from a buffet in front of strangers. I know some of this could be AS, but also I've found some are just plain insecurity (I haven't mentioned everyhting, this is at the top of my head)
But I am kinda chubby, I have muscular legs and arms, but my thighs are kinda flabby and I've got a slightly visible stomach. My parents want me to go to the gym because I'm spending all my time in my room on my computer working on my personal stuff (Writing, music, etc) and I've treid explaining to them that I don't want to go to the gym because older kids hang around there and I'll feel stupid/ insecure. They've told me I"m being silly and to get over it (whiel completely ignoring the very obvious symptoms of depression that I have, also ignoring the fact that I'm getting (at my suggestion) counseling to I CLEARLY have some unresolved issues) but here is the problem: I feel they are part of the problem.
There is a whole post i could make on how their ignorance is affecting me, but I'll get to the point of this post.
My mom is a very fashionable woman, who wears really stylish clothes, jewelry, and stuff. SHe is also really young looking for her age (no surgery lol) (Ironically people tell me I could pass off for 16, so hopefully the whole looking older thing doesn't go too far lol)
Since I'm the only daughter (I have an older brother) naturally my very feminine mom would like me to be feminine myself. But the problem is I'm not. I want to be, I really do, but I'm at the point in my life where I feel silly when I dry and dress up. I'm looking to improve that eventually). My mom gets angry when I don't want to wear earrings, or dress girlier, or wear makeup (When all the other mom are begging for their daughters not too grow up too fast) and it really makes me upste when she gets' upset at me for that. She's made me cry before because I didn't wear lipgloss and earrings to my brothers band concert (where everyone dresses in casual clothes) and she gets mad when I don't carry around a purse. I like all the things she's mentioned and I want to be able to wear them, but right now I still feel silly when I wear them and I don't want to make myself more uncomfortable. But sometimes it seems she doesn't care if I'm uncomfortable with it.
Also, she's told me to wear different clothes because I look 'big' in them. Well for goodnesss sakes, you're getting mad when I feel stupidly insecure in front of others yet you tell me that I look big! I know she's my mom, but that's something that i feel parents don't get special privileges over. It's different if someone asks an opinion, but when someone get's an opinion in that regard when they weren't asking for it, it's only gonna create more problems. She constatnly get's upset when I don't like being around older/'cooler' people but she tells me that a certain shorts make me look big or a shirt makes me look chunky. She told me my haircut (which I LOVED when I got it, by the way) made me look like a boy (it was to the chin, not a pixie cut) and I didn't want to leave the house after that in fear someone would think it's weird. I'm just trying to feel confident in the clothes I wear so all of us won't have to get annoyed but then she says something when I'm feeling happy for once. She doesn't even like me wearing non-matching pyjamas.
Even so, both my parents get mad when I don't tell them anything (I haven't told them I'm depressed yet) but they yell at me when I cry! And I'm scared to talk to anyone about this (besides my counselor, who would never tell anyone) because when I tried tot alk to my aunt, someone my mom found out I said that my parents fight a lot, and my mom told me when I tell people this it makes her look like a terrible person. makes my parents look like bad parents. I feel really conflicted right now. I really hope you guys can give me advice! I will be posting another self-esteem related post in a moment if any of you are interested (however this one will relate to the personality, not body image)
Thank you so much!