Lentil_curls
New Member
I'm a very nearly 30 year old woman and only recently discovered that female symptoms of Asperger's can be quite different to those experienced by males, which has led me to wonder whether I might be on the spectrum as a few things seem to 'fit'. Does any of the following strike you as being autistic?
These are just a few things off the top of my head. My father was emotionally abusive growing up and could be physically aggressive if pushed, so I wonder if the problems I had socially existed in part because of a bad, scary home life which left me with low self esteem. My social insecurities now are possibly residual because I didn't have the confidence to develop socially the way that my peers did. I have quite a growing collection of arid plants in my conservatory which could be considered my special interest, but what is the real difference between a 'special interest' and a plain hobby? I don't understand that. I seem to understand how conversations work but continuing them is the hard thing. Eye contact I'm surprisingly good at but it does make me uncomfortable. I'm not particularly fascinated by numbers or obsessive about organization. I wonder what the really defining thing about female autism is as the symptoms seem so broad and can be attributed to any number of other things, such as social anxiety and sensory disorder.
Any feedback greatly appreciated. I've always felt like the odd one out and I feel like I've got to the point where I need answers on why I seem to struggle with things that other people don't.
- I was massively quiet and withdrawn throughout my childhood and this continued into adulthood. Socializing has never come naturally to me. I remember going to playgroup as a 3 or 4 year old and feeling so lost because other children were happily playing and I would wander around on my own not knowing what to do. It was the same at school at the age of about 6 where I remember just standing in the playground on my own not knowing how to engage with the other kids.
- At the age of 4 I remember feeling scared and crying because I was going to a birthday party and felt overwhelmed by the prospect of it. When I got there I was more interested in hanging out in the kitchen with the kid's mum than playing with the other children! As I got older it got a bit more bearable.
- At school I was deathly quiet and only really had one friend at any time. Any more than that just felt overwhelming and I didn't understand how to make friends. I still don't! I go through the motions of being friendly to people but other than a smile and a "hello" I have no idea what to say to people. Saying that, I have one friend who I see now and again and that seems to be enough for me. I wonder how much of this is just low self-esteem and social anxiety though rather than being typical of autism.
- I took an aversion to a couple of styles of clothes when I was little because the design felt uncomfortable to me. I hated the stiff fabric at the crotch of trousers and the elastic at the bottom of a pair of leggings. I don't think this is such a thing for me as an adult, nowadays I just hate anything impractical which means I never wear heels, skirts or jewellery.
- I'm very sensitive to light, noise and temperature. A motorbike roaring past is like nails being scratched down a blackboard for me and even when there is complete cloud cover the sky feels too bright. If it's hot then I'm really hot.
- My mind wanders and I space out a lot. This was often commented on when I was at school. I once got shouted at by a teacher at the age of about 8 for asking him what to do next because I hadn't picked up on the fact that everyone else was sitting down and reading and that was the thing I was supposed to do. I somehow missed instructions at school too and often ended up being behind on a question because I had been so absorbed in it and hadn't acknowledged the next task.
- I'm clumsy. I drop food on my top at pretty much every meal time and often completely manage to miss my mouth when having a drink!
- I feel about 15 sometimes, not 30. I wouldn't say I have the interests of a 15 year old but in terms of social development I don't think I've massively improved since then. I'm certainly not ready for anything like having children and deep down I suspect I never will be as I don't see myself ever having the stamina for it (or any desire to change my 'safe' existence, as terrible as that sounds).
These are just a few things off the top of my head. My father was emotionally abusive growing up and could be physically aggressive if pushed, so I wonder if the problems I had socially existed in part because of a bad, scary home life which left me with low self esteem. My social insecurities now are possibly residual because I didn't have the confidence to develop socially the way that my peers did. I have quite a growing collection of arid plants in my conservatory which could be considered my special interest, but what is the real difference between a 'special interest' and a plain hobby? I don't understand that. I seem to understand how conversations work but continuing them is the hard thing. Eye contact I'm surprisingly good at but it does make me uncomfortable. I'm not particularly fascinated by numbers or obsessive about organization. I wonder what the really defining thing about female autism is as the symptoms seem so broad and can be attributed to any number of other things, such as social anxiety and sensory disorder.
Any feedback greatly appreciated. I've always felt like the odd one out and I feel like I've got to the point where I need answers on why I seem to struggle with things that other people don't.
