Coping when partner is struggling

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I'm lucky. My partner is a very strong person. Very emotionally stable. Very supportive. Very insightful. Very wonderful.

Sometimes though she struggles with things which is just part and parcel of life. But when she struggles I find it very difficult to cope. It really throws me off. I'm not sure what to do or what to say. I just try and be there but all the while I just silently pray (to no-one in particular, being an atheist) that she'll feel better soon so life can go back to normal.

It seems so selfish of me. But I can't help it. It's made worse by the fact that she, an NT, is so supportive of me and understanding. She's ALWAYS there for me, without fail or hesitation, when I'm going through a rough time. Which happens quite a bit.



If anyone has any helpful strategies I can employ I'd be grateful. Or similar stories...

 

[Peace]

I lived in this situation for many years and understand. I am also a "Fixer" of problems. I try to fix everything, to a fault. It took many years of my wife telling me that she did not need me to fix it, but just to listen. I finally got it, and now I try hard to just be a good listener. I also had to earn to give periodic acknowledgements that I was still listening like saying "Oh" or "I See", things I was not aware were helpful or necessary during a conversation.
What also helped me was to not let my feelings get the best of me. I used to feel guilty like it was somehow my fault, but I now understand that even if it is, the best thing I can do is to respect her way of dealing with difficulty just as I would want someone to do for me. If she chooses to withdraw for a while or whatever, I am there however I can be. I began to think, "OK, Now Is My Chance To Be Here For Her And It Is Only My Problem If She Brings It To me".
It is both difficult and best if we can find a way to accept the things we cannot change.

 

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I lived in this situation for many years and understand. I am also a "Fixer" of problems. I try to fix everything, to a fault. It took many years of my wife telling me that she did not need me to fix it, but just to listen.

I struggle with this, a lot. I'm always trying to offer suggestions to fix things and am utterly confused when the response is that she doesn't want me to fix it or when her reaction is one that is clearly unappreciative of my suggestions. I get it now though - it's just important to listen. I find that quite difficult though. I really try though! :-/

 

[Adamantium]

I understand this too, but with a slightly different emphasis than given by Peace. I get the whole fixer thing. I went through a sort of awakening about that when I was in my late twenties/early thirties. There was a lot of gender stereotyping pop psychology focusing on this (the "men are from mars, women are from venus" books, etc.) and the gist was: sometime when you think someone is telling you a problem that needs solving, they just want to have shared the experience and emotion with someone.

A second tier is that they sometimes want more active comforting, and I am (to my surprise, embarrassment and sadness) quite bad at this. Despite being a "good listener" who people like to confide in, I am an obtuse consoler. Since discovering autism and my asperger's my wife now just tells me what she wants when I am not getting it. I think she wants a listener, so I listen, but then she'll say, "now I need a hug and for you to say something nice." I am glad, because it helps me to be a better husband, but embarrassed because I was so clueless.

But the other thing I got from the OP was the problem of being a receiver of care and not a good giver: She is supportive, understanding and always there for you. But you find that you can't really be there for her, even when she really needs it.

I get this completely. I have had the same job for almost twenty years. I own a house. I have two children. I drive a car. I seem to be doing very well, but the reality is that I have only been able to achieve the things I have with her support. I find it surprisingly difficult to do some simple things. I can be stopped in my tracks by obstacles that seem small to others. She helps me hugely just in getting by every day. When she is ill or upset and can't function normally, I feel it tremendously.

I don't like to think of my self as being so dependent or of using someone, but the reality is that I am dependent. The thought of anything happening to her is terrifying to me.

I wish I could be a better husband and more supportive. I try--that's all I can do. Hopefully, it's enough.

Strategies: Really pay attention and use "active listening" techniques to verify your perceptions. She will appreciate the attention and the fact that she has really been heard. Do your best, respecting whatever limitations you can, to be supportive. e.g., if she is ill, try to do the things that she would normally have done, or arrange for someone else to do them, so she can concentrate on feeling better and getting better and not worrying about those things. This can be difficult if you have executive functioning problems, but with lists and reminders (my iPhone is very good for this) you can do a lot.

(Incidentally, like you I pray, despite not believing in a traditional deity and really agreeing with Richard Dawkins. I am comfortable with this contradiction which I can happily explain by pointing out that spiritual feeling is emotional, not rational.)

 

[garnetflower13]

My husband and I struggled with this for a while. We used to get into arguments because if I sought emotional support, he used to start analyzing the situation, and or making suggestions with how to deal with it. This of course was not what I was asking for. I also learned that I had to remember that his responses were coming from a good place, that they just weren't the responses that I was seeking. I once told him that his responses were like someone using carpenter's tools to repair some delicate object. He found it descriptive and amusing. Now he is learning to just listen, and to occasionally interject a sympathetic comment. He was amazed at how good it made me feel, if I told of an irritating or trying experience and he would say something like, "Well that would certainly make me angry, or annoyed," instead of going over a checklist of things I could try.

 

[Mattymatt]

I lived in this situation for many years and understand. I am also a "Fixer" of problems. I try to fix everything, to a fault. It took many years of my wife telling me that she did not need me to fix it, but just to listen. I finally got it, and now I try hard to just be a good listener. I also had to earn to give periodic acknowledgements that I was still listening like saying "Oh" or "I See", things I was not aware were helpful or necessary during a conversation.
What also helped me was to not let my feelings get the best of me. I used to feel guilty like it was somehow my fault, but I now understand that even if it is, the best thing I can do is to respect her way of dealing with difficulty just as I would want someone to do for me. If she chooses to withdraw for a while or whatever, I am there however I can be. I began to think, "OK, Now Is My Chance To Be Here For Her And It Is Only My Problem If She Brings It To me".
It is both difficult and best if we can find a way to accept the things we cannot change.

The best advice I ever got was to be a good listener! I have to second Peace's advice. It's very, very good!

 

[karl]

Hey I'm trying to listen but my.fiancee doesn't.listen.or she.will just argue with me she knows I'm a aspie but she just doesn't try to help me she will just tell me off and I'm not sure what to do I feel really embarrassed by her telling me off but if I talk to her she just says.oh get a grip karl

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hey I'm trying to listen but my.fiancee doesn't.listen.or she.will just argue with me she knows I'm a aspie but she just doesn't try to help me she will just tell me off and I'm not sure what to do I feel really embarrassed by her telling me off but if I talk to her she just says.oh get a grip karl

Nip it in the bud before you get hitched. Communication is going to be the biggie between you. She should be trying to learn the language of "Aspie". It might help you also to learn some things of the needs of NT females. Some threads that may help are reading "NT and Aspie Communication" and whatever other threads that contain NT information. Hopefully she won't be "not interested" in learning all she can about Asperger's .

 

[karl]

Nip it in the bud before you get hitched. Communication is going to be the biggie between you. She should be trying to learn the language of "Aspie". It might help you also to learn some things of the needs of NT females. Some threads that may help are reading "NT and Aspie Communication" and whatever other threads that contain NT information. Hopefully she won't be "not interested" in learning all she can about Asperger's .

Yeah aknow and thanks I will have a look at the Nt female ones as well as I suppose it's not just her thanks nurseangela

 

[garnetflower13]

Communication is very, very important in a marriage. Lack of communication is one of the leading causes of divorce, sadly...

 

[AsheSkyler]

However cruel it may seem, I kind of enjoyed it when somebody else was tormented because I could then push all my problems straight out of my head and focus on them and devote as many mental resources I could to trying to fix their situation anywhere from advice, outings, or just listening. It helped my relationship with that person, it was refreshing to get away from my problems, and it made us both feel good since they got some relief and I enjoy helping people.

When something terrible happens to both of us, it's just the blind leading the blind. I think I end up steering it to a mutual gripefest and we just complain about whatever it is until we both can resolve our own problems.

 

[Cecile]

I struggle with this, a lot. I'm always trying to offer suggestions to fix things and am utterly confused when the response is that she doesn't want me to fix it or when her reaction is one that is clearly unappreciative of my suggestions. I get it now though - it's just important to listen. I find that quite difficult though. I really try though! :-/

Maybe you can actually "fix something else" and that would still be quite helpful. What I mean is in cases where your partner is preoccupied/struggling with a given situation, even though you cannot fix that very situation for her, you can help by taking care of other things (domestic stuff/chores, etc.), so that she can take time for herself, to think/relax/rest/get through the difficult situation. Of course it depends on the situation, but most of the time, when one has to deal with something unexpected and upsetting, it helps to know that "at least you won't have to worry about x and x task" while you deal with the unexpected...

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I understand this too, but with a slightly different emphasis than given by Peace. I get the whole fixer thing. I went through a sort of awakening about that when I was in my late twenties/early thirties. There was a lot of gender stereotyping pop psychology focusing on this (the "men are from mars, women are from venus" books, etc.) and the gist was: sometime when you think someone is telling you a problem that needs solving, they just want to have shared the experience and emotion with someone.

A second tier is that they sometimes want more active comforting, and I am (to my surprise, embarrassment and sadness) quite bad at this. Despite being a "good listener" who people like to confide in, I am an obtuse consoler. Since discovering autism and my asperger's my wife now just tells me what she wants when I am not getting it. I think she wants a listener, so I listen, but then she'll say, "now I need a hug and for you to say something nice." I am glad, because it helps me to be a better husband, but embarrassed because I was so clueless.

But the other thing I got from the OP was the problem of being a receiver of care and not a good giver: She is supportive, understanding and always there for you. But you find that you can't really be there for her, even when she really needs it.

I get this completely. I have had the same job for almost twenty years. I own a house. I have two children. I drive a car. I seem to be doing very well, but the reality is that I have only been able to achieve the things I have with her support. I find it surprisingly difficult to do some simple things. I can be stopped in my tracks by obstacles that seem small to others. She helps me hugely just in getting by every day. When she is ill or upset and can't function normally, I feel it tremendously.

I don't like to think of my self as being so dependent or of using someone, but the reality is that I am dependent. The thought of anything happening to her is terrifying to me.

I wish I could be a better husband and more supportive. I try--that's all I can do. Hopefully, it's enough.

Strategies: Really pay attention and use "active listening" techniques to verify your perceptions. She will appreciate the attention and the fact that she has really been heard. Do your best, respecting whatever limitations you can, to be supportive. e.g., if she is ill, try to do the things that she would normally have done, or arrange for someone else to do them, so she can concentrate on feeling better and getting better and not worrying about those things. This can be difficult if you have executive functioning problems, but with lists and reminders (my iPhone is very good for this) you can do a lot.

(Incidentally, like you I pray, despite not believing in a traditional deity and really agreeing with Richard Dawkins. I am comfortable with this contradiction which I can happily explain by pointing out that spiritual feeling is emotional, not rational.)

You sound like a fantastic "hunny" to have for a husband. Your wife is a very lucky girl!

 

[Vinca]

I'm lucky. My partner is a very strong person. Very emotionally stable. Very supportive. Very insightful. Very wonderful.

Sometimes though she struggles with things which is just part and parcel of life. But when she struggles I find it very difficult to cope. It really throws me off. I'm not sure what to do or what to say. I just try and be there but all the while I just silently pray (to no-one in particular, being an atheist) that she'll feel better soon so life can go back to normal.

It seems so selfish of me. But I can't help it. It's made worse by the fact that she, an NT, is so supportive of me and understanding. She's ALWAYS there for me, without fail or hesitation, when I'm going through a rough time. Which happens quite a bit.



If anyone has any helpful strategies I can employ I'd be grateful. Or similar stories...

Perhaps you could talk to her, at a time when she isn't stuggling with things and explain to her that you want to be there for her when she has struggles but that somethime you are not sure how best to help her and ask her if there is anything that she finds particulary helpful that she would like you to say or do.

(this suggestion stems from reading what others have mentioned about communication being important and isn't based on personal experince, so whilst it sounds like a good idea I don't have any first hand experience of whether it would actually be helpful or not)

 

[Nanda]

I'm not sure what to do or what to say. I just try and be there but all the while I just silently pray so life can go back to normal.

Been there, for almost four years... so i get what you're saying. It was very hard and i don't think my partner never understood my side. Everytime i struggled with something and can't act normal, hear him or participate into a casual conversation (i use to get kinda stuck in my head, processing over and over the issue, so i'll be very silent) and he never understood that, i think, when we had some opinion divergence (lets call this way ) he may had think that i was doing on purpose (the typical situation when you ask a typical girl if something is wrong and she says "nothing", but you know thats a lie).
Anyway, but when he was in a difficult situation, i felt trapped inside myself. There wasn't words to say, nothing, i didn't know what to do to comfort him, except hug him, but this wasn't enough, most of the times words are needed and i had almost none to comfort him. I never felt right to tell him things like "its going to be ok", cause i can't predict this.

 

[HarleyMama]

I have found it helpful to ask my husband how he likes to be comforted and try to do that. But it's still hard and I usually don't feel like I'm doing it right. I, like some of the others have mentioned, struggle with guilt, wanting to fix it, and getting too caught in my own emotions top be successful in helping him.