Connected with people

[Jimbo]

I've had one or two close friends in the past, but have never belonged to a group of friends, I have no idea what that is like. The friends I had were ones where I truly felt I could be myself with, without the need to act, play a role or monitor my speech or behaviour constantly. Nearly all of my close friends were ones with a similar style who also, for one reason or another, didn't fit in with any social group and were alone: loners, foreigners or oddballs, one or two probably also on the spectrum. The only time I ever felt accepted into any kind of group is when I was first diagnosed and I met up a couple of times with two more aspies. I truly felt accepted by them, even though I was a lot different to them.

For me one the biggest obstacles to becoming accepted by a group is the fact that most of the socialising is based round talking, often in noisy bars, restaurants or parties. I'm not a very talkative person, and don't really like it that much. When I'm talking I feel a huge pressure, and am constantly battling the desire to withdraw into my head and not speak. It's a huge effort for me to hold a conversation. I also believe I have an auditory processing delay because I don't get what they said until a second or two after they finish speaking, so I can't process a group conversation fast enough to take in what they are saying and make my contribution before someone else responds, and the conversation moves on - it's all way too fast. Very often, the subject of the conversation means nothing to me because I don't keep up with popular culture and don't get the references. So I just sit and don't say anything, my mind drifts and I stop paying attention at all, it all flows over my head. I don't feel what the others feel - someone makes a remark and everybody laughs except for me, because I didn't get it or I don't find it funny. Another person says something else, and there is a chorus of "awww..." I don't feel that and don't automatically say "awww" with the others, if I hear it and then repeat it (with a time lag so it sounds like an afterthought and not genuine), it's through imitation rather than having this inbuilt instinctive reaction that they have. Unfortunately all of these signal a lack of interest to the group, and they either think that I'm very shy or just a boring person, so I don't get invited along the next time the group meets.

So take away the auditory delay, and sensory issues and add an inbuilt automatic response to social cues and the ability to immediately know how people are feeling because you can instinctively read their body language, that's what it must be like, but I don't have these so I'll never know what it's like. I'll always be on the outside looking in. I think that some aspies who are more outgoing and talkative may be accepted more easily into a group than someone like me who is very introverted simply because they talk more or may be fun to be with (in the positive sense), but they too will still feel this barrier between themselves and the others, and that will show in the different way the group will interact with them and vice versa, as opposed to their NT peers.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. I made a few close friends in school, but when I got out in the real world I could not relate to people. It was odd to me that I had lots of friends in high school, but later couldn't communicate.

 

[JKG]

Me, too. I made friends, despite my considerable awkwardness, while in college--largely by living in the same dorm or house with others. Something about continually running into the same people in bathrooms, hallways, tv rooms, etc., seemed to break down barriers. However, once I graduated and went to work, I haven't been able to turn acquaintances into real friendships. There is a gulf between me and others that I don't know how to bridge. I like an earlier analogy someone shared of trying to shout across a football field--a field that NTs don't see or experience as being there.

 

[Spiller]

Looking back over my life, the only times I can point to where I thought I "belonged" in a group are times where I felt like I was doing a "good enough" acting job that I could convince myself I didn't stand out as being too different. Other people seemed to think I "fit in", so I felt I had accomplished my goal of being "normal"...but I realize I felt this way because I was being successful at acting, not because I was being genuine. These are the relationships where I suppressed my desire to be authentic sufficiently enough to fit in.

So I can tell you from my experience anyway...when I've managed to be on top of my "game" enough so they didn't notice my differences so much...I still didn't feel any more connected than times when I was being more authentic/different/strange. Less despair perhaps...but not known and accepted for me.

So maybe the experience of being connected is nothing more than the experience of not standing out as being an oddball??

But surely, surely there is more to it than that. That doesn't seem nearly enough motivation to drive NTs to spend so much time together, to so need and enjoy each other, right??

I've managed at times to emulate well...to laugh at the right times, to touch someone's hand during a conversation to make a point, to make confident eye contact, to focus on their needs and concerns rather than rattling off about my own interests, to position my body just right so I'm not exactly mirroring anyone else but still standing with similar energy and attitude...and I still...still...still feel so far away and disconnected from everyone, like I'm not even really there but just watching through a TV camera or something.

What does it feel like to actually be there? What are the specifics of how that experience differs from what my experience has always been?

I remember as a kid always wondering what it would take to be a "real" person...to be normal. Even as young as 6 or 7 years old...I felt like TV characters were more real than I was. One time when I was invited to a girl's birthday party in the pool, I thought that maybe now I would be a real person like the other kids. It didn't work--they teased me because I didn't know how to jump off the diving board, although I worked really hard at it that day and figured it all out before the party was over. But other kids get teased, too, that doesn't make me not-real. It just felt like...no matter what I did...no matter how "normal" I acted...I still didn't fit. I always thought I just hadn't figured it out well enough yet, and kept working at it. I got pretty good at acting before I reached burnout a year ago. But I never felt "real" with people, and now even less so.

What does it take to be a real person? What does it take to feel like you exist in a relationship?

I've wondered, if a man is measured by the company he keeps, as I keep no company, is that why I don't feel real?
I've never felt a part of this world and this society and have always wondered why.. I remember you started a thread a while ago, DogwoodTree, about feeling disconnected from everything. I did too, for as long as I could remember, until I recently remembered being hurt by other kids' taunting when I was 11 or 12, I think and deciding that I didn't really need these emotions inside me if all they did was make me feel sad all the time, so I made a continuous, conscious effort to banish them then and I guess it became an unconscious habit, right up until my own Burnout two years ago when emotion flooded back in, painfully and overwhelmingly..
I've been thinking about that for a while and recently realised that I'd created a kind of Firewall around my inner self; I'd consciously dissociated from the world around me. This, I think, severely hampered my efforts to socialise, on top of what I believe to be, as Progster put so well, an auditory processing delay. It's ironic to think now that I may have created my own difficulty, then exacerbated it by constructing my own social mask to enable me to cope 'out there'.. in essence, I bent myself into an unnatural form which I simply couldn't maintain indefinitely.
I understand that NT's genuinely enjoy social interaction, whereas I approach it, out of long and ingrained habit, with anxiety and outright fear of being judged for who I am, what I say, the clothes I wear.. every aspect that makes me.. me and I became so used to feeling anxious as a normal state of being, I wasn't even aware of it. Being an introvert certainly hasn't helped either, though I wonder if that's a natural part of my personality or a role forced upon me by the way others' treated me..
I think, if I can see this fear now and abolish it and find like-minded people - they are about, many of them, I've just too blinded by fear to see clearly - I'd now be able to learn to enjoy the company of others and experience feeling real.
Recognising this fear has already started the process, I believe, I'm posting here on AC, I've recently made a handful of friends in the real world, I'm going out rather than secluding myself away at home; things are changing..

 

[KinksFan]

I have two really close friends that I spend most evenings of the week with. I'm connected that way, to an extent. I don't think I'll be connected per say, the way that most people are connected. However, I think quality is more important than quantity in my case.

 

[Larisa]

What do you think it would feel like to be connected with people, to truly have friends and feel like you fit in?

My long and careful observations resulted in revelation that seemingly friendly and connected normal people are in fact constantly battling for higher social status.
They laugh often without feeling fun, but for showing their self-assurance.
Their smiles are often just a signal of good intentions to others, not a sign of their own joyful mood.
I find it very confusing and weird.
It sometimes seems to me that they don't really feel happy but carefully demonstrate happiness.
Just like they carefully erase all traces of their former troubles and problems.
Most people I survived difficult situation with (because of our common employer) turned away from each other and headed other directions to make new friends who did not see them in troubles. Why?
I'm open to talk about my past "ups" and "downs" but this theme seems socially awkward. Why?
I had a really hard time when my mother punished me for speaking truth I'd seen. It took me years to learn being as tactful as I can while speaking my opinion. And to be as truthful as I can while being forced to strict politeness (with my boss for example).
But as I learned a lot of "theory of communication" I feel cheated and exhausted exactly when I "manage" to fit.
In my opinion it's like choreography or theatre - a hell of preparations and conflicts for creating visually effortless show for public behind curtains.
I think I'm getting sad and cynical...

 

[fuzz]

What a cool thread! I used to put on an act through school, but I got sick and tired of having to reinvent it to suit those around me as we grew up. I then gave up having a mask and went mostly silent. Neither of these approaches creates good human connections.

Towards the end of school and start of university I took risks with trying to get to know people. The main risk being that I'd look like an idiot without any idea what I'm doing. I didn't have my Asperger diagnosis back then, and I thought if I keep at this guessing how to talk to people thing, it will eventually all click. I thought it would be like being in an episode of 'friends'.

At present I have 3 very close friends, 4 quite close friends, and 2 quite close work colleagues, none of whom I met until after University. That is great, and sometimes some of us meet up in groups, which as long as the group isn't too big is also very nice. I feel able to be myself around all these people. It isn't like an episode of friends, that was never who I was. It's something that I feel is unique to me and my friends. They are so amazing letting me be myself, e.g. avoiding noisy pubs, the wrong lighting, and allowing me to have conversation voids and all.

I feel this is a different experience to some of the previous posts, so I wanted to share a positive experience with you.

 

[Darrelyn]

I think it would feel so happy and fun that I wouldn't be able to get anything practical done. To just be free and totally accepted and not 'acting'? I'd probably want to spend all day stretching on the floor together and playing with each other's hair and talking about my special interests and drawing pictures and saying how we feel and what we mean. Listening to the same song 50 times....

You know when you see slumber parties on TV and the popular girls are all BFFs? I think it would feel like that...just adapted to my idiosyncrasies.

I think it would feel free.

...Does it?

Well..., I'm an NT and remember doing young girl things with close friends when I was in school. But as an adult, life settles in and responsibilities compel me to do the practical. Some friendships are close, but no stretching on the floor or playing with hair now. Mostly my friends and I talk about goals and kids and life in general. My girlfriends and I also try to figure people out; discover why they do the things they do - then we move on.

Conversation is generally connected, natural, and easy, depending on who I'm talking to. But no secret social life.

 

[fuzz]

Mostly my friends and I talk about goals and kids and life in general. My girlfriends and I also try to figure people out; discover why they do the things they do - then we move on.

Conversation is generally connected, natural, and easy, depending on who I'm talking to. But no secret social life.

What do you value most in a conversation with your closest friends? Are there certain topics you value more than others?

 

[AsheSkyler]

We always talk about how NTs have this secret social life that we don't seem to be able to tap into...what do you think they experience that we don't?

I'm wondering if maybe NT and AS experiences are actually very similar already, but the AS expectations are out of sync with reality?

I think they spend a lot more time texting and calling each other and talking about... stuff? Fashion? Spouses? Kids? Those idiot drivers on the highway? And then they make plans to get together and talk some more.

So I think we just don't talk enough to keep up in the gab olympics. Same rules apply elsewise. Some people have just as many boundaries and rules, if not more.

 

[MicroWeiss]

if you take some small amount of pride in yourself then most people will view you as a valuable person to be connected to and to know more about.

one of my friends drove over to visit me the other day, and while i still want to be his friend, i was getting upset, he looks like he never goes to the dentist, all his front teeth have huge cavities, his car is not well maintained, he doesn't want to improve himself in any way, and needless to say he is usually broke or planning how to spend every cent of his next paycheck. this is the sort of person who might lose friends just on the basis of not taking any pride in himself, i felt like i didn't want to strengthen our connection.

i take excellent care of my teeth, have nice hair, maintain a healthy weight, etc. my skin is sometimes a battle, i might have to learn how to use concealer better, but i tend to look acceptable. my car is usually sparkling clean, and in good repair, and I manage my finances better than average. just thinking about the way i take pride in my life and my possessions makes me understand how others might value me as opposed to someone without these qualities. i'm also reasonably fun, not super good company, but ok.

you don't have to be gifted in a ton of ways, like a celebrity, to be valued in normal social circles, and everyone has their own set of social standards. for instance, my friend who i was upset at is probably good at his job for example, and is probably valued socially by his coworkers. he can contribute and connect well on some levels, before meeting him i always viewed him as a good conversationalist on the chat room. eventually i think he will hit roadblocks with a lot of people he tries to connect with, based on some of the things mentioned above, but i think i'll always be friendly with him, even if it doesn't get closer.

real life is more difficult to connect in than online. too much information, and it's hard to stop and analyze your relationship while you're standing face to face with someone. it helps to have this information in place up front where you know how you look socially, and what your standards are.

i think you look really cool and easy to relate to online, for example, not sure how you view your online persona, but you're definitely someone i would want to be connected to just as far as this forum goes. if i met you in real life, there would have to be some other area of interest or something involved, to where i would think you were someone i should be connected to. going to the same church is probably enough for most people to want to get to know each other. if i went to the same church as you, for example, it would be safe to assume that i am at least moderately interested in getting to know you. on the other end of the spectrum for me is, if someone is popular and has a lot of friends i might steer clear of them, i always fly under the radar, socially or politically.

 

[DogwoodTree]

going to the same church is probably enough for most people to want to get to know each other.

We go to a small church, and nearly everyone takes the time to at least introduce themselves. Some will consistently say hello, others take the time to ask about work or weekend plans or whatever. But to me, that's just not enough for me to feel connected. I feel I could have sent a robotic replica in my place, programmed a few scripts into its conversational interface, and no one would ever notice the difference! That's not connection, not for me. And even with deeper conversations, it's very rare that I feel like I actually "showed up".

My therapist says I'm experiencing derealization (or depersonalization). Whether I "appear" normal to other people isn't really the issue I'm talking about here. The issue is my experience of being present in the relationship...and that is almost nonexistent. But I find I have a very hard time explaining this experience to anyone who doesn't already know what I'm talking about. I can't really tell them what's "missing" that I think should be present, because all I know is that it just doesn't feel real to me.

 

[Licorice]

I have an easier time imagining sci-fi scenarios than any of this. It's easier to imagine the world from the perspective of the first true AI than it is to imagine my own life in "normal mode".

 

[MicroWeiss]

yeah. i guess. it sounds like you notice that others are connecting and seem to have all the positive feelings of connection. i think it's just hard for you to tell how other people think about you. like, i always think people feel the same disconnect as me, and never really pick up on cues. but one time someone told me that my coworker liked me, and i really admired him on many levels, but that is what it took for me to realize there was a connection there at all. i think it's possible that if you had someone to point it out to you, you might get that connected feeling too. i just know that i do well when people really spell stuff out to me, like i'm stupid. i'm not stupid, but you know..

 

[Larisa]

So I can tell you from my experience anyway...when I've managed to be on top of my "game" enough so they didn't notice my differences so much...I still didn't feel any more connected than times when I was being more authentic/different/strange. Less despair perhaps...but not known and accepted for me.

Thank you for exact description of the feeling. I searched for it myself but could not formulate so precisely.

So maybe the experience of being connected is nothing more than the experience of not standing out as being an oddball??
But surely, surely there is more to it than that. That doesn't seem nearly enough motivation to drive NTs to spend so much time together, to so need and enjoy each other, right??

I've got to wonder sometimes what if the pretence of understanding is the best they can achieve? What if drawing attention to themselves is the best confirmation of their own existence they learned to crave?

I've managed at times to emulate well...to laugh at the right times, to touch someone's hand during a conversation to make a point, to make confident eye contact, to focus on their needs and concerns rather than rattling off about my own interests, to position my body just right so I'm not exactly mirroring anyone else but still standing with similar energy and attitude...and I still...still...still feel so far away and disconnected from everyone, like I'm not even really there but just watching through a TV camera or something.
What does it feel like to actually be there? What are the specifics of how that experience differs from what my experience has always been?

In my personal experience normal people mostly communicate by setting forward their representations of themselves to the outer world. It probably takes learning your assigned social role to be fluently included into scenario of social interactions.
I may become cynical but sometimes it reminds me 'Fahrenheit 451' as Mildred Montag was 'communicating' with TV soap opera characters by reading remarks of the role assigned to her - it was more important for her to feel 'included', 'fitting in' (even knowing beforehand every word that would be said in the course of the soap opera) than to try to address and get a response from a living person with their own opinion.
I want to be valued and recognised as a living person with right for having my own opinion: without attempts to make my opinion dominant and obligatory for everyone - I want for everyone to have their own opinion and by exchanging mine and theirs I would be close to feel extatic.
I am vulnerable to critics and remarks but I noticed that it is because normal people do critisize not the material I took, not my reasonings but my dare to try to understand something they don't consider important.
The most 'constructive' critical remarks I met in my life included demeaning words about my person or my mental abilities.
I discovered that I welcome remarks that really corrects my reasonings and give me new perspective for my musings.

I remember as a kid always wondering what it would take to be a "real" person...to be normal. Even as young as 6 or 7 years old...I felt like TV characters were more real than I was.
What does it take to be a real person? What does it take to feel like you exist in a relationship?

I wonder to myself: What is it that would feel for me real? What is it what makes me feel alive?
I feel alive when I express myself by speaking (or writing) my everchanging thoughts and feelings, when I share the results of my mental labour, my observations.
I feel alive and 'like i do matter' when I get a living response to my expressions (not nessesary positive one but what really considered my words and the ideas behind them, not dismiss them as foolishness right away).
I feel connected then even if I'm not praised. Then I feel myself a real person.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I feel alive when I express myself by speaking (or writing) my everchanging thoughts and feelings, when I share the results of my mental labour, my observations.
I feel alive and 'like i do matter' when I get a living response to my expressions (not nessesary positive one but what really considered my words and the ideas behind them, not dismiss them as foolishness right away).
I feel connected then even if I'm not praised. Then I feel myself a real person

This is a very good insight. I need to think about it. That last part you said about "even if I'm not praised" is right on the mark, because I don't share for the sake of praise, but simply to engage on a deeper level with someone, and praise just isn't deep enough. Praise is simply back reflection, not communication. It takes thoughtfulness and authenticity from the other person...for me to feel like we've engaged in true communication, true connection.

I don't know...even then, though...at some point for me the Shame moves in and pollutes everything. What might have felt real, at that point then feels poisonous, dangerous, and stupid. Maybe that's a separate issue, maybe not. Thoughts?

 

[Larisa]

I have an easier time imagining sci-fi scenarios than any of this. It's easier to imagine the world from the perspective of the first true AI than it is to imagine my own life in "normal mode".

Funny enough you said that: I've been associating myself with AI (transformers) for more then 10 years (from my 15 to 24 years).
It allowed me to put all my efforts (with support of my friend's family who 'adopted' me when my own parents were quite indifferent to my problems but thankfully they kept feeding me) to get an education and to start learning ways of life of 'inhabitants of Earth'.
I've never really forgotten that I'm a human myself. It was just a coping mechanism I was able to invent and use and to get better of it.
After I graduated I discovered that I can't afford anymore to seem 'robotic' but then I read some inspiring psychology books and I managed to find a job and I got means to attend a great psychologist and to start my inner 'cleaning' and 'sorting out'.
It was like reinstalling an Operating System on already running 'previous version' without 'Restart'. In 9 years that followed I was sometimes getting depressed and despaired and utterly exhausted and on edge of 'shutting down'.
But curious thing is I was so concerned with my survival that I never really noticed my problems with social interactions.
Or rather I was sure all of my problems are just from my dysfunctional family and as soon as I become self-sufficient they will certainly pass away.
I have been promising myself for all my life from early childhood that I'm OK, its just unlucky curcumstances that make me appear 'foolish' and 'inadequate'. In a way it was true because I recognised that many people who hurried to pass their judgement on me - they never experienced real difficulties if life. And they would not believe my real situation, coming from where I did. 'It happens only in books, it never happens in reality!' - I receive that opinion a lot and I took a confirmation that those people's other believes could be as wrong and short-sighted.
So my own opinion has at very least the right to exist before I put it to test by trying to make it a reality.

 

[Larisa]

This is a very good insight. I need to think about it. That last part you said about "even if I'm not praised" is right on the mark, because I don't share for the sake of praise, but simply to engage on a deeper level with someone, and praise just isn't deep enough.

That's it. It's not hard for me to admit that I was wrong if I'm proved it by logic arguments and respectfully to my person.
But I often felt that underlying requirement that if I dare to speak I have to be absolutely right or I should humbly receive beating for my imperfection.

Praise is simply back reflection, not communication. It takes thoughtfulness and authenticity from the other person...for me to feel like we've engaged in true communication, true connection.

Yes, it is true for me as well. And it happens ever so rarely.
It broke me terribly as a child when I felt a glimpse of reacting on the real me from the other kid and we briefly interacted and laughed sincerely - and then this kid suddenly behaved as ashamed by knowing me and got angry at me when I tried to approach once more in hopes to feel that special connection again.

I don't know...even then, though...at some point for me the Shame moves in and pollutes everything. What might have felt real, at that point then feels poisonous, dangerous, and stupid. Maybe that's a separate issue, maybe not. Thoughts?

I feel shame when I doubt myself. It takes all my memory and will, all the support from the people who had been near me (or let me kindly hang around them despite of my overall weirdness), who have been witnessing my way in life from my early years - for me to let go of my pain of feeling inadequate in spite of all my efforts.
With these people who do not really understand what it's like being me (for they sometimes can't help themselves but to express their expectations and regrets about what I could 'achive' if I 'put efforts') to but who respect me for my qualities and insistance to make better from my own life - I can go on, live on and reach to other autistic people in hopes of genuine understanding and solace for my lifelong solitude in this normal world.

 

[Licorice]

Funny enough you said that: I've been associating myself with AI (transformers) for more then 10 years (from my 15 to 24 years).
It allowed me to put all my efforts (with support of my friend's family who 'adopted' me when my own parents were quite indifferent to my problems but thankfully they kept feeding me) to get an education and to start learning ways of life of 'inhabitants of Earth'.
I've never really forgotten that I'm a human myself. It was just a coping mechanism I was able to invent and use and to get better of it.
After I graduated I discovered that I can't afford anymore to seem 'robotic' but then I read some inspiring psychology books and I managed to find a job and I got means to attend a great psychologist and to start my inner 'cleaning' and 'sorting out'.
It was like reinstalling an Operating System on already running 'previous version' without 'Restart'. In 9 years that followed I was sometimes getting depressed and despaired and utterly exhausted and on edge of 'shutting down'.
But curious thing is I was so concerned with my survival that I never really noticed my problems with social interactions.
Or rather I was sure all of my problems are just from my dysfunctional family and as soon as I become self-sufficient they will certainly pass away.
I have been promising myself for all my life from early childhood that I'm OK, its just unlucky curcumstances that make me appear 'foolish' and 'inadequate'. In a way it was true because I recognised that many people who hurried to pass their judgement on me - they never experienced real difficulties if life. And they would not believe my real situation, coming from where I did. 'It happens only in books, it never happens in reality!' - I receive that opinion a lot and I took a confirmation that those people's other believes could be as wrong and short-sighted.
So my own opinion has at very least the right to exist before I put it to test by trying to make it a reality.

That's sort of how I approach it, too. I relate very much to the AIs I've written about and their concepts of biological life relative to machines and computers, and I recognize that I handle things very differently from other people. I'm working on "learning the ropes" better myself, but I often feel like I've hit a wall and psychology books or social skills training have nothing more to offer me. Strangers have been comfortable having coffee with me so I'm not some rude, smelly person who yells over everyone else, but I'm still living the way I am.

I'm glad you were able to sort things out. I'm trying a new workshop that I hope will at least help me put my skills to better use and design a better plan.

 

[Larisa]

It allowed me to put all my efforts (with support of my friend's family who 'adopted' me when my own parents were quite indifferent to my problems but thankfully they kept feeding me) to get an education and to start learning ways of life of 'inhabitants of Earth'.

That's sort of how I approach it, too. I relate very much to the AIs I've written about and their concepts of biological life relative to machines and computers, and I recognize that I handle things very differently from other people.

I felt relieved when I was able to relate myself to just somebody - even if they are robots. But they have clear reasons for their actions and simple feelings I could understand. And their 'faces' barely moved while they were speaking (or 'the face' could be mostly hidden behind a mask) - that fact calmed me down and let me notice other things in their appearance and interactions. And the fact that all the transformers are of different 'body' shapes and colours was delightful for me - although it took me some time before I started to distinguish them one from another.
I have prosopagnosia ('face blindness') and I never realized that before transformers helped me to distinguish persons one from another, they taught me that every person is different - in my life experience most people behaved much too similar in their treating me. So I was not able to notice that they differ one from another in other aspects.
I studied differences in personality traits of the transformers, I noticed what I like about one or another robot, then I started to analyze their motives and actions. I could not shake my doubt that I really got it right, and that was my main drive to speak to other humans who liked and watched Transformers on TV.
I really talked with remarks from 'transformers' - because I felt sure these phrases would be certainly understood by other people around me. Many teens from transformers' community did the same out of fun - so I was able to got accepted. And these kids were quite shy of their 'crush' on the alien robots - so they were mostly kind to everyone who shared their interest. I was just lucky to coincide with them temporaly (actually I do not feel like leaving my favourite seasons of 'Transformers' behind even now).
I was lucky that I managed to call a girl from the TF community I saw on one occassion and said to her: "Hello. I would like to talk about Transfomers?" She was astonished into silence, I do not even know if she recognised me, but she told me: "Well, do talk". And I did not give her many chances to interrupt my excited speech after that.
I'm so grateful she gave me this chance - and I rememer this as one of the best gifts I ever received.
I felt like I was about to burst if I didn't get a chance to tell somebody of my impressions and thoughts.
I learned to observe myself even during my jabbering (although I often feel disgusted with myself and with my acute need to share my thoughts and observations with somebody alive). So I managed to remember well my sensations and my inner condition to analyze them afterwards.
It's very unpleasant and emotionally painful job: to dissect my own motives, to analyze my wishes and the actions I took to fulfill them.
It's hard to watch myself being carried away by my thoughts and out of control, to let this knowledge about myself to 'sink in' despite my desire to appear as confident and indepentent as possible. It is the most important and difficult thing - to confess for myself the truth about what I really are. Instead of keeping push myself 'inside' to make the best appearance I could achieve (quiet and thus seemingly clever).

I'm working on "learning the ropes" better myself, but I often feel like I've hit a wall and psychology books or social skills training have nothing more to offer me. Strangers have been comfortable having coffee with me so I'm not some rude, smelly person who yells over everyone else, but I'm still living the way I am.

I think that is rather impossible to learn oneself without interactions with other people. It's like constant 'stirring' and questioning other people's words and 'labels' I collected about myself. And starting to form my own words and descriptions.
But it's necessary to measure one's own interest to learn and to have a safe place to cave in for reflection and to occupy oneself with something enjoyful and relaxing (some controlled interests). And most of all it's important to have one or several people who just accept me as I am (my friend's parents fulfill this role for me: they were not chokingly caring and scarily attentive to me, neither totally distant and indifferent. Just accepting me to come to their flat and be their daugther's friend)
After I got my own opinion on transformers' world, I started to work on extending it on real people around me (because human fantasy is not capable of creating anything that can really surpass being just a reflection of the real world and real people).
I went to a psychologist because I was in dire need to get confirmation that my sensations are right, that I really feel what I feel (and not what I learned I 'have to feel' or what I'm told I 'should feel'). There were these mixed feelings toward my mother and father, and to my sister and pretty much to just anyone I met and interacted enough to recall their 'impression' left on me.

I'm glad you were able to sort things out. I'm trying a new workshop that I hope will at least help me put my skills to better use and design a better plan.

I'm just on my own way. I think it's rather impossible to fully 'sort out' things. I constantly reconsider my guesses and thoughts. I often feel trapped in physical tension (of my body) and close to panicking mentally: where am I and how did I get here?
It's terrifying 'waking up' from my accustomed routines. I needed my psychologist to confirm to me it's normal - to be 'awake' and to realize the risks. Takes the hell of my mental consciousness to watch my trusted people' calm behavior and getting used to this presence of unpleasant things in life. This knowledge expands my own perception and it's painful before it settles. But once I've started I realized how long I run away from this and how much of my strengh I spent to ingnore these facts - because I was so fragile and vulnerable before I would have shattered if I saw them earlier.
First of all come my realising what I'm really doing (when I got used to hear 'wasting time'), what do I searching for in things that capture my attention - what my real interests in this world are.
Do I really want to be like Mother Theresa of I'm just putting all my energy to try and reach something other people say I can't?
Sorry for my blabbing, I really want to tell you I believe you'll find your own way to yourself