Confused Loneliness

[Leah (lay-uh)]

It is my first time living alone and I work a job where I don’t talk to anyone during my shift besides the occasional hello. On one hand I enjoy the solitude, my “home” was very abusive and I now I finally have a peaceful place to call my own, I used to only find this peace and solitude outdoors for short periods of time. I do genuinely enjoy time with myself but I find myself desperately feeling alone and yet totally unable to enjoy spending time with people to make friends. I’m autistic but I’m quiet the extrovert (not because I like being around people but social interactions are performances for me and I love to perform!!!!) and complete solitude has been rough as my abusers in the past used isolation and social shame (I.e. “what would others think” statements and observations about my character made so that I felt outcasted and hated by the majority of society) as a tool to keep me dependent on them… it’s hard to trust and make friends with this trauma on top of being autistic. Performances are great for meetings with strangers at the park that asked about the ukulele I carry around with me but performances are exhausting, I burn out and then the friends are lost in confusion “where did my friend go??”, well, your friend is actually deeply deeply troubled and fearful of real intimacy and can’t keep up with the energy… they realize that then leave… idk long blob of scattered text maybe someone can relate????

 

[Isadoorian]

Hi, and Welcome to the Forums!

I've no advice to offer unfortunately, but can relate to having abusers, in the form of gaslighting from people whom I used to believe were friends, and also the enjoyment of solitude to a degree.

 

[Tom]

Some social interactions are draining, but not all. Much seems to depend on developing the right frame of mind for the situation.

 

[unperson]

Hey Leah, welcome to the site.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I can relate. So there are cycles and periods of time that are important. This new you is very new?

Watch this

10 days

20 days

40 days

100 days

Let's stop there. So within the first hundred days of a major pattern shift, expect alot of confusion along with growth. Let's call this period "permanent"

40 days to make over or change a habit. Let's call this period "stabilized"

40 days is a really important duration of time, as is 100 days.

So how long have you been out on your own?


I hope you will overcome your loneliness by making friends here on the forum.


There are games. I may need your help. A charming villain has taken something dear to me in a thread called
" get the cookie" we started jousting with prose at about page eight, I am not ready to admit defeat, but .....

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Some social interactions are draining, but not all. Much seems to depend on developing the right frame of mind for the situation.

View attachment 69898

You are the Meme Master, sir. Well done

 

[SusanLR]

I very much relate to your post, except for the abusive part.
My parents were very kind and my best friends.
I was never able to connect with others, so I spent my life with them. We were family.
I didn't miss having friends and family of my own as long as I had freedom.
They never tried control, so I did.

I enjoy my alone time, but, not really alone with just me.
When I was younger, I liked performing too. I was a model and did some teaching in small
private schools.
But, never have I felt so alone as now that both parents are dead.
I moved in with an elderly man whom I rent a part of his large house and help him
by driving him places, going to doctors with him and housework.
The relationship isn't good, but, it gave me a place to live when I didn't have enough money
to live elsewhere.
But, alas, there is that big hole of feeling alone and I've never gotten used to it.
It's been 8 years, but, I am 64. Too old to be taught new tricks I guess.

Yes, wanting to be alone, yet not totally alone and lonely because I can't seem to connect.
I call it the Aspie Conundrum.

 

[Aspychata]

I suffered so much abuse that l learned that 4 walls are my best friend. I have peace and solitude which equals happiness. I feel safe and content. I also was gaslighted and l have ptsd from things that happen when l sleep and become quite costly. I am financially gaslighted also. There are many deadbeat males in my state looking to prey on older woman so l tend to stay home alot.


Aloha and welcome to our ohana.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Nice to hear you have a place of your own where you feel safe. My first real job as a researcher and I got into a small house in a lower working class neighborhood, but it was great. It was a time of intense loneliness for me, driven by a very deep social anxiety, but I liked some of the people I worked with, and got to things like concerts (New Riders of the Purple Sage) or the theater at Stratford, Ontario, alone, because I didn't know how to ask any woman out, and felt that they would reject me anyway. But being by myself and finally having more disposable income let me cultivate my interests. Though one too many Friday nights alone, watching the Muppet Show, convinced me to begin liking myself. Though socializing and engaging in other activities seemed performative to me, I started to quietly enjoy them and being my own person, knowing that I was living independently. It took a while, and with stumbles along the way, I slowly reached out to women with personalities that I liked, and started good relationships.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yes, wanting to be alone, yet not totally alone and lonely because I can't seem to connect.
I call it the Aspie Conundrum.

Exactly! Feeling awkward socially does not help. I think joining an activity group helps because the focus is away from the too personal to enjoying the activity together. For me it was the local Sierra Club outings which let me socialize while being comfortable in myself. That eventually changed my life.

 

[Aspychata]

Guess l have come to prefer being alone due to being preyed upon as a senior citizen. If this hadn't happened, l would have been quite social. But predatory behavior now causes me to stay home not because of paranoia, more so that l don't encounter another person looking to take advantage because l have enough ptsd and experience in regards to this to know it is a realty and does happen. Sorry for the thought loop.

 

[Wulven]

Hi ya.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Guess l have come to prefer being alone due to being preyed upon as a senior citizen. If this hadn't happened, l would have been quite social. But predatory behavior now causes me to stay home not because of paranoia, more so that l don't encounter another person looking to take advantage because l have enough ptsd and experience in regards to this to know it is a realty and does happen. Sorry for the thought loop.

I rated it a heart because my heart sinks when you relate that. The predatory types I have run into are mainly sales people trained to be manipulative. I see them as perhaps making a small "ask" of their victim to see how gullible they may be. Vacation scams are the worst, such as, "let us treat you to a meal, and all you need to do is sit through a presentation." Then the pressure starts. I decline any such offer. After receiving no assistance as a teen and young adult, I am cynical about any person except my long term friends offering me help.

 

[Running Girl]

Susan nailed it; The Aspie Conundrum.

 

[Barymore]

Hi there & welcome!

Congrats on your next step! Give yourself some time to let these empty seeming spaces fill

Perhaps you will find some of what you are looking for on here.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Hello and welcome. I like it quiet, am startled easy so quiet is good and calming. I am also the victim of abuse, physically from strangers and mentally from family. Life is good now though.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Again, a heart rating for @ForestGumpett for enduring abuse. This saddens me and makes my heart heavy. The abusers are far more damaged than we are, and because it occurs regularly I not only believe that we have a fundamentally cruel society, I can never believe in any diety who would condone such cruelty using the excuse of "free will".

 

[Leah (lay-uh)]

I can relate. So there are cycles and periods of time that are important. This new you is very new?

Watch this

10 days

20 days

40 days

100 days

Let's stop there. So within the first hundred days of a major pattern shift, expect alot of confusion along with growth. Let's call this period "permanent"

40 days to make over or change a habit. Let's call this period "stabilized"

40 days is a really important duration of time, as is 100 days.

So how long have you been out on your own?


I hope you will overcome your loneliness by making friends here on the forum.


There are games. I may need your help. A charming villain has taken something dear to me in a thread called
" get the cookie" we started jousting with prose at about page eight, I am not ready to admit defeat, but .....

I will screenshot this and try to apply it to what I’m going through right now with an abuser of mine… he groomed me when I was 16 and I just recently kicked him out of my life once again… countless times for the past years have I “been done” with him. He’s like a drug to me and I need to form a habit of being without him and the stable insanity that ensues his presence in my life. I will try to get to the 10 day mark! Today is day 2 and there’s still fresh pepper spray stains on my walls…

 

[Leah (lay-uh)]

I rated it a heart because my heart sinks when you relate that. The predatory types I have run into are mainly sales people trained to be manipulative. I see them as perhaps making a small "ask" of their victim to see how gullible they may be. Vacation scams are the worst, such as, "let us treat you to a meal, and all you need to do is sit through a presentation." Then the pressure starts. I decline any such offer. After receiving no assistance as a teen and young adult, I am cynical about any person except my long term friends offering me help.

Not a senior but did spend the last two years of my high school career working 20-30 hours a week at a part time job because I was convinced a grown ass man needed me to help financially support him! But hey, I still graduated with an unweighted GPA of 3.75 with 8+ AP classes under my belt! Then again… the school work thing was definitely a scam too!!!!

 

[Leah (lay-uh)]

You are the Meme Master, sir. Well done

Nice to hear you have a place of your own where you feel safe. My first real job as a researcher and I got into a small house in a lower working class neighborhood, but it was great. It was a time of intense loneliness for me, driven by a very deep social anxiety, but I liked some of the people I worked with, and got to things like concerts (New Riders of the Purple Sage) or the theater at Stratford, Ontario, alone, because I didn't know how to ask any woman out, and felt that they would reject me anyway. But being by myself and finally having more disposable income let me cultivate my interests. Though one too many Friday nights alone, watching the Muppet Show, convinced me to begin liking myself. Though socializing and engaging in other activities seemed performative to me, I started to quietly enjoy them and being my own person, knowing that I was living independently. It took a while, and with stumbles along the way, I slowly reached out to women with personalities that I liked, and started good relationships.

Boys (and girls) seem to like me quite a bit, even some of the cute ones… too bad every one of them in my city seems to have got a block in their brain. Many pursuers… been properly proposed to twice and three others said they wanted to marry me and I’m sure they meant it but life is ever changing and I’m an outer worldly gift but here on Earth beings don’t seem to understand gifts… that just because I am a gift I cannot be a challenge as well.