I can't classify why my brain doesn't process things normally like I see it does for people in my surroundings. All the tests I have done for autism show borderline, AQ50 I scored 26 which is "you can/do share some common difficulties as in autism ...".
Medically I have done a neuropsychiatric test when I was 20. It showed that I could have encoding problems, which means how you take in info, process it and respond to it. I do think there is something in that, as a lot of information just goes by me without me taking it in, and understanding what is going on, or most of the time just missing out, like my brain can't process even the most simple things.
For example, when I was a kid, I used to watch animal programs with my grandma, and she was social, she was commenting on whatever the animals were doing, I was watching the same thing, and I couldn't see what she was seeing, I was just watching, without my brain processing the images. When I watch movies, information just goes past me, I don't pick up things. But I can still enjoy a good movie and be intrigued.
Now in my adult late 30s, I wanted to do another but they screened me for autism which showed that I do have the: A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive) Autism Diagnosis Criteria: DSM-5 | Autism Speaks
But to qualify for the spectrum you need two B criteria, I don't have them. And my motor skills are really good I'm talented when it comes to any sport and a quick thinker, above a normal performance IQ.
I don't have any sensory or repetitive issues or feel that I think differently from normal thinking. On the contrary, I think and see the world much more conservative and have salutary ideas.
For example, I was in a shop today, and one man I know greeted me, so we started to talk. I don't have difficulties with something out of the blue, I can small talk about apparent things. But then I was in the cue waiting to order food, and one girl that worked there asked if she could go before me, because of her break. In unknown situations like this, my brain just lock, of course, I said you can go ahead. But then I realized I was on my break as well. I mean I never realize things like this instantly, and many times I don't even do it. But now I did. So I said how long is your break, I'm on my break as well. I was trying to small talk, but for her, it came out wrong, I think she felt that I found her rude to ask me and that I now was wanting to take my cue spot back, and actually, she let me go before her, even though I insisted twice, no you go ... So when I try to small talk it goes wrong, and many times I say things wrong, without understanding it, or understanding why I said it like this, and not in another way.
I do have difficulties just sitting down with somebody to small talk, especially someone that doesn't share my views or understand my world. Women that don't talk much become very difficult for me, I don't know how to open up, break the ice, what to ask, how to ask, to keep a flowing conversation.
I don't know why my brain is wired like this, why this process doesn't kick in as it does for normal people, and the blood flow showed that my brain activity is normal. I have done a CT scan and a SPECT blood flow test, which showed normal. SPECT blood flow does actually show abnormal blood flow for people with autism, they can have highs or lows in some brain regions.
When it comes to processing things, I have noticed when I play chess, try to write a novel, paint, meditate, things when I use my brain in a higher state, I end up with a very strong depression, for 2-3 days before my brain goes back to normality and I feel normal again. I just can't understand it.
Around 14 I started to understand that I'm different, that I can't do things others can, the relationships back then I had with girls, I ended them because I couldn't socialize, I thought I was shy, but I wasn't, I just couldn't socialize and have fun. I just froze most of the time, and then I understood, hey let's stay out of relationships because girls will just tell me, why are you so quiet, say something. I didn't want to create any awkward situations for myself.
I just hate myself why I have this difficulty, I feel something has done something to me to take away my life. My family is very normal, my mom is very social and wise. And I have asked her many times, did something go wrong during pregnancy, did you take any meds etc.
My grandfather from my father's side did actually struggle a bit socially, but I can't see that I have inherited this, and we are all born differently according to circumstances, he could have had very high social skills, but maybe his mom got sick or was infected, didn't eat properly that could have caused his difficulty. My dad doesn't talk much either, but he doesn't have the issues I have, my brother is more like my dad, but then he is very open in social situations. I'm very open myself all the time with everyone, especially with family when I was a kid, wanted to know everything, but this thing doesn't let me function and feel intellectual, actually, I feel stupid many times.
It doesn't feel inherited, for example why as I mentioned when I play chess, my brain just goes into a depression state for 2-3 days, like all my serotonin got wasted when I was trying to use my brain. It feels like something must have happened during fetal development, or shortly after (anything at the doctors, injections, medicine), but I just don't know why I'm punished like this.
Medically I have done a neuropsychiatric test when I was 20. It showed that I could have encoding problems, which means how you take in info, process it and respond to it. I do think there is something in that, as a lot of information just goes by me without me taking it in, and understanding what is going on, or most of the time just missing out, like my brain can't process even the most simple things.
For example, when I was a kid, I used to watch animal programs with my grandma, and she was social, she was commenting on whatever the animals were doing, I was watching the same thing, and I couldn't see what she was seeing, I was just watching, without my brain processing the images. When I watch movies, information just goes past me, I don't pick up things. But I can still enjoy a good movie and be intrigued.
Now in my adult late 30s, I wanted to do another but they screened me for autism which showed that I do have the: A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive) Autism Diagnosis Criteria: DSM-5 | Autism Speaks
But to qualify for the spectrum you need two B criteria, I don't have them. And my motor skills are really good I'm talented when it comes to any sport and a quick thinker, above a normal performance IQ.
I don't have any sensory or repetitive issues or feel that I think differently from normal thinking. On the contrary, I think and see the world much more conservative and have salutary ideas.
For example, I was in a shop today, and one man I know greeted me, so we started to talk. I don't have difficulties with something out of the blue, I can small talk about apparent things. But then I was in the cue waiting to order food, and one girl that worked there asked if she could go before me, because of her break. In unknown situations like this, my brain just lock, of course, I said you can go ahead. But then I realized I was on my break as well. I mean I never realize things like this instantly, and many times I don't even do it. But now I did. So I said how long is your break, I'm on my break as well. I was trying to small talk, but for her, it came out wrong, I think she felt that I found her rude to ask me and that I now was wanting to take my cue spot back, and actually, she let me go before her, even though I insisted twice, no you go ... So when I try to small talk it goes wrong, and many times I say things wrong, without understanding it, or understanding why I said it like this, and not in another way.
I do have difficulties just sitting down with somebody to small talk, especially someone that doesn't share my views or understand my world. Women that don't talk much become very difficult for me, I don't know how to open up, break the ice, what to ask, how to ask, to keep a flowing conversation.
I don't know why my brain is wired like this, why this process doesn't kick in as it does for normal people, and the blood flow showed that my brain activity is normal. I have done a CT scan and a SPECT blood flow test, which showed normal. SPECT blood flow does actually show abnormal blood flow for people with autism, they can have highs or lows in some brain regions.
When it comes to processing things, I have noticed when I play chess, try to write a novel, paint, meditate, things when I use my brain in a higher state, I end up with a very strong depression, for 2-3 days before my brain goes back to normality and I feel normal again. I just can't understand it.
Around 14 I started to understand that I'm different, that I can't do things others can, the relationships back then I had with girls, I ended them because I couldn't socialize, I thought I was shy, but I wasn't, I just couldn't socialize and have fun. I just froze most of the time, and then I understood, hey let's stay out of relationships because girls will just tell me, why are you so quiet, say something. I didn't want to create any awkward situations for myself.
I just hate myself why I have this difficulty, I feel something has done something to me to take away my life. My family is very normal, my mom is very social and wise. And I have asked her many times, did something go wrong during pregnancy, did you take any meds etc.
My grandfather from my father's side did actually struggle a bit socially, but I can't see that I have inherited this, and we are all born differently according to circumstances, he could have had very high social skills, but maybe his mom got sick or was infected, didn't eat properly that could have caused his difficulty. My dad doesn't talk much either, but he doesn't have the issues I have, my brother is more like my dad, but then he is very open in social situations. I'm very open myself all the time with everyone, especially with family when I was a kid, wanted to know everything, but this thing doesn't let me function and feel intellectual, actually, I feel stupid many times.
It doesn't feel inherited, for example why as I mentioned when I play chess, my brain just goes into a depression state for 2-3 days, like all my serotonin got wasted when I was trying to use my brain. It feels like something must have happened during fetal development, or shortly after (anything at the doctors, injections, medicine), but I just don't know why I'm punished like this.
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