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Confused and need advice

Yes try not to. Misinterpret are you ok or what's wrong. When ask that it just means we are concerned that something bad might of happened that you are upset about. You know how many times I have been asked that lol.
I don’t think I’m misinterpreting it. My follow up questions to someone asking me What’s wrong? would be these:

What exactly makes you ask me that question, because I didn’t say anything to you?

Do you really want to know, because the answer is long and will be difficult to explain; do you have enough time to listen to it?

Do you actually have the capacity to understand what is wrong with me?

Are you asking in order to offer help? (because I may not have asked for that.)

Do you know that the thing that helps me most is to be left alone?

If someone is concerned that something bad may have happened to me, then I would want them to say, “I’m concerned that something bad may have happened to you.“

OP, I am not trying to attack you or make you feel badly in any way.

I’m just elucidating what exactly goes through this particular autistic person’s mind when such a seemingly benign question is asked. We are always told not to misinterpret things, when I would argue we are just understanding them differently. Communication between people of different neurotypes is a 50-50 compromise - neither is right neither is wrong, the experiences are just different.

A loaded question like, “What’s wrong?” sparks many further questions in my mind and it takes time to process it. This is one reason why clarity and brevity is helpful to someone like me.
 
I don’t think I’m misinterpreting it. My follow up questions would be these:

What exactly makes you ask me that question, because I didn’t say anything to you?

Do you really want to know, because the answer is long and will be difficult to explain; do you have enough time to listen to it?

Do you actually have the capacity to understand what is wrong with me?

Are you asking in order to offer help? (because I may not have asked for that.)

Do you know that the thing that helps me most is to be left alone?

If someone is concerned that something bad may have happened to me, then I would want them to say, “I’m concerned that something bad may have happened to you.“

OP, I am not trying to attack you or make you feel badly in any way.

I’m just elucidating what exactly goes through this particular autistic person’s mind when such a seemingly benign question is asked. We are always told not to misinterpret things, when I would argue we are just understanding them differently. Communication between people of different neurotypes is a 50-50 compromise - neither is right neither is wrong, the experiences are just different.

A loaded question like, “What’s wrong?” sparks many further questions in my mind and it takes time to process it. This is one reason why clarity and brevity is helpful to someone like me.
Sorry I get it!!
 
Sorry I get it!!
No need to be sorry, you came here to understand people who are different than you, so I am just trying to show you.

I wish I was more clear in saying that it was just an example of what goes through my mind and not an attack on you.
 
He is here now but I don't have the guts to tell him how I feel. It's hard for us too! Hopefully I get the courage to be direct. I appreciate all the advice I have gotten from all of you
Just understand that if you are attracted to this fellow, there's always the possibility of another woman having similar feelings. While you remain complacent in that "friend zone", it's conceivable that he may eventually run into that woman who isn't afraid to go after what she wants. In which he'll probably go for her in an instant, as she chose that first move while you didn't.

One real drawback for such guys, is they are so likely to select the first woman who truly makes overt romantic and sexual overtures to them. Keep this in mind. Time may not be your side. It would be sad to see someone else sweep him off his feet when you had the opportunity. - Be his first. "Carpe Diem!"
 
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The problem is that he is likely to be at least somewhat scared. Never having had a girlfriend, he may have a real wish to be in a relationship, but likely has no idea how they work or what he is expected to do in one.

Since he's shy it's unlikely he has ever had a meaningful conversation about relationships and women, or learnt anything about it, including sex, anywhere but the internet... which isn't a good source and likely to damage his understanding rather than help it.

It's also highly probable that talking in the abstract won't help either, so things like poetry and a good RomCom movie (is there such a thing as a 'good' one?!) will be more likely to confuse than anything. Being on the spectrum is likely to result in a very literal thinker, not one who can interpret, so even asking him something as seemingly obvious as whether he has ever been attracted to a woman might result in a confusing response or none, because it's not a question about THIS woman.

Yet it's not really possible to be too direct, because there are human sensitivities too. No girlfriend in his life so far is likely to mean no sexual experience, so the idea of intimacy may really appeal to him, but scare the living daylights out of him too. This is likely, at best, to give very confusing and possibly contradictory responses, not least because he won't want it to be obvious he has no idea what to do.

The other part of it is that many of us on the spectrum don't really work in words a great deal, and tend to communicate what we think and feel by the things we do. I, for example, buy my wife flowers, even though I fail to understand why giving her dead things pleases her, but because I can see she likes being given this particular type of dead thing.

In the situation the OP describes, I would first try and decide in what circumstances the guy seems most comfortable, because that's when he'll likely be most open. If he likes spending time with the kids, then do a 'family night' type of thing, and possibly even call it that, and have him come round. A good meal, and a party game or two, a kid's movie. It might be frustrating that he spends time with the kids rather than the OP, but children are not emotionally threatening, and he will almost certainly feel safer with them - meaning on a more secure emotive footing - so it's not a surprise and not a problem.

Let him get comfortable with the family in that situation, and he'll relax because it's fun and non-threatening.

The OP is going to have to put aside her wish for things to go further or faster, which might be frustrating, but I doubt the guy will be swept up by anyone else in the meantime, since this relationship already seems to mean something to him, and it doesn't seem likely he'd want to give that up. Particularly not if it can be deepened a little and made to feel really comfortable as a place to be and a family to be part of.

The family part may be really critical, because a lot of us never really experienced that in a positive way growing up, and it can be vital to experience 'family' as a positive in order to really understand it and feel comfortable with, and in, it. He may simply need this experience and be using it to fill in a hole in his own life experience, which wouldn't be helpful to the OP, or it could be that settling into the family experience is the foundation he needs to help him become part of a relationship with the OP.

Anyway, sorry, this is disjointed and I apologize for a post that is more stream-of-consciousness than coherent, but the one characteristic that holds people back more than anything is fear. And I know that for me, the fear of making a fool of myself with a girl was a major deterrent to building relationships with them.
 
The problem is that he is likely to be at least somewhat scared. Never having had a girlfriend, he may have a real wish to be in a relationship, but likely has no idea how they work or what he is expected to do in one.

Since he's shy it's unlikely he has ever had a meaningful conversation about relationships and women, or learnt anything about it, including sex, anywhere but the internet... which isn't a good source and likely to damage his understanding rather than help it.

It's also highly probable that talking in the abstract won't help either, so things like poetry and a good RomCom movie (is there such a thing as a 'good' one?!) will be more likely to confuse than anything. Being on the spectrum is likely to result in a very literal thinker, not one who can interpret, so even asking him something as seemingly obvious as whether he has ever been attracted to a woman might result in a confusing response or none, because it's not a question about THIS woman.

Yet it's not really possible to be too direct, because there are human sensitivities too. No girlfriend in his life so far is likely to mean no sexual experience, so the idea of intimacy may really appeal to him, but scare the living daylights out of him too. This is likely, at best, to give very confusing and possibly contradictory responses, not least because he won't want it to be obvious he has no idea what to do.

The other part of it is that many of us on the spectrum don't really work in words a great deal, and tend to communicate what we think and feel by the things we do. I, for example, buy my wife flowers, even though I fail to understand why giving her dead things pleases her, but because I can see she likes being given this particular type of dead thing.

In the situation the OP describes, I would first try and decide in what circumstances the guy seems most comfortable, because that's when he'll likely be most open. If he likes spending time with the kids, then do a 'family night' type of thing, and possibly even call it that, and have him come round. A good meal, and a party game or two, a kid's movie. It might be frustrating that he spends time with the kids rather than the OP, but children are not emotionally threatening, and he will almost certainly feel safer with them - meaning on a more secure emotive footing - so it's not a surprise and not a problem.

Let him get comfortable with the family in that situation, and he'll relax because it's fun and non-threatening.

The OP is going to have to put aside her wish for things to go further or faster, which might be frustrating, but I doubt the guy will be swept up by anyone else in the meantime, since this relationship already seems to mean something to him, and it doesn't seem likely he'd want to give that up. Particularly not if it can be deepened a little and made to feel really comfortable as a place to be and a family to be part of.

The family part may be really critical, because a lot of us never really experienced that in a positive way growing up, and it can be vital to experience 'family' as a positive in order to really understand it and feel comfortable with, and in, it. He may simply need this experience and be using it to fill in a hole in his own life experience, which wouldn't be helpful to the OP, or it could be that settling into the family experience is the foundation he needs to help him become part of a relationship with the OP.

Anyway, sorry, this is disjointed and I apologize for a post that is more stream-of-consciousness than coherent, but the one characteristic that holds people back more than anything is fear. And I know that for me, the fear of making a fool of myself with a girl was a major deterrent to building relationships with them.
Thanks for the advice. He is actually already very comfortable with my kids and I believe he feels he is like part of the family already. I know this because two years ago when my youngest daughter tried to hug him he jumped back and wouldn't let her and I said to my daughter not everybody likes hugs and you have to ask his response was hugs are okay and he gave her a side hug that was it and then she tried to do it again later that night and he did the same thing jump back but now he gives full on hugs and even puts his face on the side of her face and then he looked up at me and smiled. He is also definitely way more comfortable with me he came over my house last night and it was just me and him no kids I told him that the kids were having a sleepover and asked him if he wanted to come over and have dinner. Of course he did not commit right away he said he might wanted to get some sleep since he hasn't been able to sleep much lately so I had said to him if that's what you want to do then just sleep you don't have to come over and he's response was I don't know I might need sleep I might not but anyways he came over knowing it was just me and him. So my question is if I invited him over just me and him for dinner would that be interpreted as a date. I am trying to figure out if he realizes that I like him romantically. I have tried with things like that I always make food for him leave it at his house trying to show him I like him. Anyways he stayed with me until 1:00 in the morning and then I walked him home we can talk for hours he is very comfortable with me but still shy and nervous at times. Even his body language has changed he used to keep a little bit of distance between us when we walked or we were standing next to each other now he walks really close to me and stands really close to me. I agree I feel like he just doesn't know what to do cuz he's never had a girlfriend. So I don't want to do anything that would freak him out but obviously I want him to know how I feel or else this relationship is going nowhere. My other question is never having a girlfriend is it because he never wanted one or just never had the opportunity? I do think he likes me more than a friend because I don't think he would spend this much time with me. Even though last night he was so tired he did not want to go home he stayed for a while I'm the one who said it was getting late. It's all very confusing for me but I appreciate everyone's advice.
 
No need to be sorry, you came here to understand people who are different than you, so I am just trying to show you.

I wish I was more clear in saying that it was just an example of what goes through my mind and not an attack on you.
No worries I did not take it as an attack on me at all. Also though not all NTS are alike we are all quite different. Thank you for telling me what goes on in your mind it does help me understand better.
 
Thanks for the advice. He is actually already very comfortable with my kids and I believe he feels he is like part of the family already. I know this because two years ago when my youngest daughter tried to hug him he jumped back and wouldn't let her and I said to my daughter not everybody likes hugs and you have to ask his response was hugs are okay and he gave her a side hug that was it and then she tried to do it again later that night and he did the same thing jump back but now he gives full on hugs and even puts his face on the side of her face and then he looked up at me and smiled. He is also definitely way more comfortable with me he came over my house last night and it was just me and him no kids I told him that the kids were having a sleepover and asked him if he wanted to come over and have dinner. Of course he did not commit right away he said he might wanted to get some sleep since he hasn't been able to sleep much lately so I had said to him if that's what you want to do then just sleep you don't have to come over and he's response was I don't know I might need sleep I might not but anyways he came over knowing it was just me and him. So my question is if I invited him over just me and him for dinner would that be interpreted as a date. I am trying to figure out if he realizes that I like him romantically. I have tried with things like that I always make food for him leave it at his house trying to show him I like him. Anyways he stayed with me until 1:00 in the morning and then I walked him home we can talk for hours he is very comfortable with me but still shy and nervous at times. Even his body language has changed he used to keep a little bit of distance between us when we walked or we were standing next to each other now he walks really close to me and stands really close to me. I agree I feel like he just doesn't know what to do cuz he's never had a girlfriend. So I don't want to do anything that would freak him out but obviously I want him to know how I feel or else this relationship is going nowhere. My other question is never having a girlfriend is it because he never wanted one or just never had the opportunity? I do think he likes me more than a friend because I don't think he would spend this much time with me. Even though last night he was so tired he did not want to go home he stayed for a while I'm the one who said it was getting late. It's all very confusing for me but I appreciate everyone's advice.
Part of the problem is likely to be that each time he 'settles' into the family and he gets comfortable, he then adjusts back out of it again until next time, so what seems like ought to be a linear progression to you in his comfort zone, might be rather more a sawtooth to him. This is particularly possible if he's experienced rejection before, where he will lack confidence. Sadly, many on the spectrum have experienced rejection in their family or personal life, and expect it.

The question about girlfriends is impossible to answer with any certainty, but autism doesn't rob people of desire and the wish for meaningful relationships. It tends to cause a rather confused and confusing series of emotions about how to make it actually happen, particularly when we're typically rather poor at interpreting others, because we tune in much better to words and actions.

Even then though, the problem remains that he likely has no idea how to proceed, and even more so, what to actually do. So instead he'll probably wait for you to take the lead, and assume that if you want a relationship, you'll tell him - or show him. And that isn't going to be helped by you dropping hints because hints aren't the message he is likely to be looking for or even understand.

Take last night for example. He was tired, yet came over, and stayed up with you talking until 1am, even though its was probably way beyond his threshold for sleeping. What if (this is only hypothetical) he was hoping that by then, you'd take him to bed, and in stead you told him it was late so in effect he had to go.

It's that easy for the wrong message to translate across the neurotypical/neurodivergent threshold, so you may have been sending a signal to him that actually you didn't want him there, when actually you perhaps did.

He won't have any way to translate these signals, not just because he's on the spectrum, but because he lacks prior experience of relationships so has no record to refer to for cause and effect.

It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of the right things, and that's a great thing because most people would likely give up and find someone far less trouble, but Aspies are typically very black and white in the way we think - as can be seen by a lot of the replies to you in this thread - and we can't really adjust that thinking very well because we don't know how. You're the one who has to find a way to do that - to couch your feelings and hopes into his way of thinking, and still manage that with ought frightening him with his lack of experience.

Personally, I'd be encouraging him to come over for an evening, and then when it gets late and you're both tired, tell him that you'd like him to stay for the night if he'd like to, instead of going home, and that if he would, you'd like him to sleep with you, but you're happy to set him up on the couch instead if he'd prefer.

I know that sounds a bit forward, but what I'm getting at is not so much the sleeping together thing, as the fact that you're giving him a clear signal as to what your preference would be for him stopping over the the night, and where, if he'd like to, so he can't mistake what you'd like and doesn't have to try and guess.

And if you don't really want him stopping over, then take that 'I'd like....' lead into whatever it is that you would really want him to know when there are choices to be made, so he can take your lead.

It might frighten him away, so there is a risk, but you can help that by explaining that you like his company and you really think he likes yours, so it's good to just take your time together. It's that 'together' which will tend to work, because the chances are he's mystified how to grasp that concept as a real-life thing.
 
Part of the problem is likely to be that each time he 'settles' into the family and he gets comfortable, he then adjusts back out of it again until next time, so what seems like ought to be a linear progression to you in his comfort zone, might be rather more a sawtooth to him. This is particularly possible if he's experienced rejection before, where he will lack confidence. Sadly, many on the spectrum have experienced rejection in their family or personal life, and expect it.

The question about girlfriends is impossible to answer with any certainty, but autism doesn't rob people of desire and the wish for meaningful relationships. It tends to cause a rather confused and confusing series of emotions about how to make it actually happen, particularly when we're typically rather poor at interpreting others, because we tune in much better to words and actions.

Even then though, the problem remains that he likely has no idea how to proceed, and even more so, what to actually do. So instead he'll probably wait for you to take the lead, and assume that if you want a relationship, you'll tell him - or show him. And that isn't going to be helped by you dropping hints because hints aren't the message he is likely to be looking for or even understand.

Take last night for example. He was tired, yet came over, and stayed up with you talking until 1am, even though its was probably way beyond his threshold for sleeping. What if (this is only hypothetical) he was hoping that by then, you'd take him to bed, and in stead you told him it was late so in effect he had to go.

It's that easy for the wrong message to translate across the neurotypical/neurodivergent threshold, so you may have been sending a signal to him that actually you didn't want him there, when actually you perhaps did.

He won't have any way to translate these signals, not just because he's on the spectrum, but because he lacks prior experience of relationships so has no record to refer to for cause and effect.

It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of the right things, and that's a great thing because most people would likely give up and find someone far less trouble, but Aspies are typically very black and white in the way we think - as can be seen by a lot of the replies to you in this thread - and we can't really adjust that thinking very well because we don't know how. You're the one who has to find a way to do that - to couch your feelings and hopes into his way of thinking, and still manage that with ought frightening him with his lack of experience.

Personally, I'd be encouraging him to come over for an evening, and then when it gets late and you're both tired, tell him that you'd like him to stay for the night if he'd like to, instead of going home, and that if he would, you'd like him to sleep with you, but you're happy to set him up on the couch instead if he'd prefer.

I know that sounds a bit forward, but what I'm getting at is not so much the sleeping together thing, as the fact that you're giving him a clear signal as to what your preference would be for him stopping over the the night, and where, if he'd like to, so he can't mistake what you'd like and doesn't have to try and guess.

And if you don't really want him stopping over, then take that 'I'd like....' lead into whatever it is that you would really want him to know when there are choices to be made, so he can take your lead.

It might frighten him away, so there is a risk, but you can help that by explaining that you like his company and you really think he likes yours, so it's good to just take your time together. It's that 'together' which will tend to work, because the chances are he's mystified how to grasp that concept as a real-life thing.
I am thinking about saying this I know you just want to be friends. But I wanted you to know that I like you more than a friend. It's okay if you don't feel the same way. I just needed to be honest about how I was feeling. I don't want to lose our friendship. Anyone thought if I were to approach it that way would that scare him off or is this a good way to tell him how I feel?
 
I am thinking about saying this I know you just want to be friends. But I wanted you to know that I like you more than a friend. It's okay if you don't feel the same way. I just needed to be honest about how I was feeling. I don't want to lose our friendship. Anyone thought if I were to approach it that way would that scare him off or is this a good way to tell him how I feel?
The reality in this equation is there's no way to ascertain whether or not you'll scare him off. Without any experience in any relationship at his age there's realistically no way to predict what he will do.

So use this to your advantage and take that leap of faith. Putting it right out there under hopefully comfortable conditions might allow him to deal with it in real time as both a shock, but also as a potentially very welcome surprise.

One thing I don't think I ever mentioned to you was that dating was always out of the question for me. The best I could do was to settle for making friends. Though on select occasion, such a friendship blossomed into something more.

Basically this isn't your chance so much as it is his chance. ;)
 
The reality in this equation is there's no way to ascertain whether or not you'll scare him off. Without any experience in any relationship at his age there's realistically no way to predict what he will do.

So use this to your advantage and take that leap of faith. Putting it right out there under hopefully comfortable conditions might allow him to deal with it in real time as both a shock, but also as a potentially very welcome surprise.

One thing I don't think I ever mentioned to you was that dating was always out of the question for me. The best I could do was to settle for making friends. Though on select occasion, such a friendship blossomed into something more.

Basically this isn't your chance so much as it is his chance. ;)
Thanks. I am not much into dating scene I don't like the dating scene at all. We have been friends for like 3 years now and I started having feelings for him so I agree with you friendships that blossom into relationships are the best. If you would want a girl to tell you they that they like you how would you want them to say it to you? I know everybody is different but I'm just trying to get a feel for what might be a good approach. I really appreciate everybody's advice here it means a lot and some of the things that you guys have told me really make a lot of sense as to the way he acts.
 
The reality in this equation is there's no way to ascertain whether or not you'll scare him off. Without any experience in any relationship at his age there's realistically no way to predict what he will do.

So use this to your advantage and take that leap of faith. Putting it right out there under hopefully comfortable conditions might allow him to deal with it in real time as both a shock, but also as a potentially very welcome surprise.

One thing I don't think I ever mentioned to you was that dating was always out of the question for me. The best I could do was to settle for making friends. Though on select occasion, such a friendship blossomed into something more.

Basically this isn't your chance so much as it is his chance. ;)
Just curious why was dating out of the question for you?
 
Just curious why was dating out of the question for you?
Too stressful, full of expectations and pressures by others, rituals and illogical behavior. No way for me to be myself under such conditions. Much easier to just make friends and be relaxed, without all the nonsense that goes with dating.

I could never properly socialize under such contrived conditions, subject to unwritten rules I never understood.
 
Too stressful, full of expectations and pressures by others, rituals and illogical behavior. No way for me to be myself under such conditions. Much easier to just make friends and be relaxed about with, without all the nonsense that goes with dating.
So true. I agree 100 percent that's why I don't date!! Are you in a relationship now ?
 
So true. I agree 100 percent that's why I don't date!! Are you in a relationship now ?
I'm an old man now. Came to the conclusion in my 40s that I was not going to succeed in a relationship. Though it would be several years later when I discovered that I was on the spectrum. Looking back at most of my failed relationships that were my fault. Mostly relative to traits and behaviors that at the time I could not put into their proper perspective.

It's why it's so beneficial to recognize one's own autism than be in denial over it. To give yourself a chance to adapt as best as you can to a world that in so many ways we don't understand and don't relate to. Of course without any guarantees either. But knowledge is power.

It's why this is HIS opportunity more than yours. For you life will go on if you don't both connect with each other. You will find someone. But for him, he could well end up like me.
 
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I'm an old man now. Came to the conclusion in my 40s that I was not going to succeed in a relationship. Though it would be several years later when I discovered that I was on the spectrum. Looking back at most of my failed relationships that were my fault. Mostly relative to traits and behaviors that at the time I could not put into their proper perspective.
Wow I am sorry. But you can't blame yourself for relationships to fail it takes two to make a relationship work no matter if you're NT or on the spectrum.what do you consider old? Never to old to find love . I have an 85 yr old patient who just met someone recently and is in love lol. Never too old!! From what I know of you so far you are very smart and intuitive. You have given me a different perspective and great advice so thank you!!
 
From what I know of you so far you are very smart and intuitive. You have given me a different perspective and great advice so thank you!!
Thanks, but it all is accrued information one gains with age. (67) When I was much younger I made lots of mistakes without much hindsight. ;)
 
Thanks, but it all is accrued information one gains with age. (67) When I was much younger I made lots of mistakes without much hindsig
Thanks, but it all is accrued information one gains with age. (67) When I was much younger I made lots of mistakes without much hindsight. ;)
That's not old !! We all made mistakes in our younger days. Well I am going to be direct and just come right out and tell him I like him. So wish me luck! I know all of you said you have a fear of rejection. Same goes for me I have a total fear of rejection that is why it's taking me this long to try to tell him. I have tried several times to get up the courage to do it and I had a perfect opportunity this past Saturday night but I couldn't do it. And I'm going to tell you this honestly if it does not work out with him and I I have absolutely no desire to date anyone or find anyone else. Honestly after my divorce I was done however he came into my life and I developed feelings for him. At this point what do I have to lose? I just don't want to lose our friendship if he doesn't feel the same way. But it's a risk I'd rather take I don't want to live with regret and not know.
 
You may have to make that first move, but he still has much more to gain than you have to lose. Hopefully he can somehow figure that out.
 

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