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Coming out to significant other?
- Thread starter nyxjord
- Start date
AsheSkyler
Feathered Jester
Start off with telling him about a comorbid and see how it goes from there? If he's fine with your OCD, ADD, or whatever extras you've got, maybe you can build it up over time until he accepts the full package?
AsheSkyler
Feathered Jester
Nope. Tact is not my strong point when it comes to personal issues. 
Well, there is the method I used with my mom. She always suspected I had a touch of it and was supportive anyway, so I gave her a list of unnamed symptoms and personality traits to react to first and thus give me the most unbiased opinion I could get. I guess you could try something like that? Find or make a good list of traits (I used Rudy Simone's), and if he responds positively, give him the name of that list?
Well, there is the method I used with my mom. She always suspected I had a touch of it and was supportive anyway, so I gave her a list of unnamed symptoms and personality traits to react to first and thus give me the most unbiased opinion I could get. I guess you could try something like that? Find or make a good list of traits (I used Rudy Simone's), and if he responds positively, give him the name of that list?
DogwoodTree
Still here...
"Do you know of anyone with Asperger's?"
If yes...ask him about that person, and lead the conversation back to yourself.
If no...ask him what he knows about it in general.
"So...I've had a chance to learn about some of this stuff myself because, as it turns out, I've been given a diagnosis of Asperger's since I have so many of the traits." And explain what traits you have, and how that qualifies you for the dx, and what you've learned about how to embrace your strengths and work around your weaknesses.
If yes...ask him about that person, and lead the conversation back to yourself.
If no...ask him what he knows about it in general.
"So...I've had a chance to learn about some of this stuff myself because, as it turns out, I've been given a diagnosis of Asperger's since I have so many of the traits." And explain what traits you have, and how that qualifies you for the dx, and what you've learned about how to embrace your strengths and work around your weaknesses.
I think that makes your situation much easier ... the fact that future children won't be part of the equation. Let me think about this further & circle back, as to ideas of how to approach him etc...
What about both of you watching Mozart and the Whale, or another film of your choice to open a dialogue?I actually don't have any co morbids..
I actually don't have any co morbids..
Okay, so if you find out he really does have strong prejudice, exploit that.
"90% of aspies have SPD, but I don't. Many have some form of OCD, but I don't. I know many are synaesthetic, nonverbal, have PTSD, personality disorders, non-standard sexualities or gender identities, but I don't."
Not having any co-morbids should be followed by aI actually don't have any co morbids..
!! No shame in having them, but heck, you were handed a good health card! That is so great for you. And it makes life easier too.
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Here's my thoughts.
In preparation of telling your fiancé, I think you should ponder the following points/considerations:
Why did you seek a diagnosis? Was it as a result of therapy or counseling? Issues you were having? If yes, did your fiancé know you were in therapy? And did he know WHY you entered therapy?
What are your positive qualities & the strengths you bring to the relationship? Not anything generalized about HFA, but attributes personal to & about YOU.
What are the things your fiancé likes about you? What are the things that initially attracted & interested him? What are some of the reasons he loves you?
What are some things you enjoy doing together? What are some of your common interests?
You mentioned having "quirks" & that he has gotten use to them. Are these quirks things you attribute to autism? Are your quirks or differences really such a big deal?
Also, in stating that your fiancé is "use" to them, do you mean he is accepting of them? And accepting of you, just as you are?
Does he try to change you? If yes, does he wish to change you in ways that you really can't accommodate or compromise?
Other than your plans to potentially become involved in your local autism community, how does your having an official diagnosis of HFA change who you are? A reminder that you are the same person with or without the diagnosis (except that perhaps the diagnosis empowers you to better understand yourself).
In a very practical way, assuming no pre-conceived bias, how would the diagnosis impact or change your relationship on a literal basis? How would it change the plans you've made for your future life together?
Isn't it correct that your diagnosis doesn't change you from being the person that he already knows?
I seriously doubt your fiancé hates autistics. He must simply fear the thought of his young children potentially changing from who they are now into stereotypical, severely autistic children ... meaning non-verbal, low functioning, seemingly mentally retarded, completely disabled versions of their former selves. THAT is what parents fear, & they fear it because they don't want to lose their child, the child they know. And they don't want to lose their relationship & future relationship with their child. But all that has NOTHING to do with you, with who you are, or with your diagnosis of HFA. And you do not "have" the only autism he knows about & fears.
Your fiancé has been with you for five (5) years & presumably KNOWS you quite well already. IMO he should judge you, your relationship & your future together by the person he knows you to be, not by a "label".
Separately, here are some other related discussions although they are not specific to telling a significant other.
'Coming out' to others - Their Responses | AspiesCentral.com
Coming out of the autism closet | AspiesCentral.com
Coming out of the Asperger closet. | AspiesCentral.com
How did everyone react to your Asperger?s diagnosis? | AspiesCentral.com
Just an FYI that to me personally, as an NT, my primary concern regarding anyone on the Autism Spectrum is the "meltdowns". No matter how much I loved someone, I personally could not live with or tolerate behavior that resembled adult temper tantrums or outbursts, regardless of how uncontrollable they might be. It is something that to me would feel dysfunctional & chaotic, & just not something I could be around. I am a gentle person & that would just not be healthy for me. Anything else I'm sure would be manageable.
In preparation of telling your fiancé, I think you should ponder the following points/considerations:
Why did you seek a diagnosis? Was it as a result of therapy or counseling? Issues you were having? If yes, did your fiancé know you were in therapy? And did he know WHY you entered therapy?
What are your positive qualities & the strengths you bring to the relationship? Not anything generalized about HFA, but attributes personal to & about YOU.
What are the things your fiancé likes about you? What are the things that initially attracted & interested him? What are some of the reasons he loves you?
What are some things you enjoy doing together? What are some of your common interests?
You mentioned having "quirks" & that he has gotten use to them. Are these quirks things you attribute to autism? Are your quirks or differences really such a big deal?
Also, in stating that your fiancé is "use" to them, do you mean he is accepting of them? And accepting of you, just as you are?
Does he try to change you? If yes, does he wish to change you in ways that you really can't accommodate or compromise?
Other than your plans to potentially become involved in your local autism community, how does your having an official diagnosis of HFA change who you are? A reminder that you are the same person with or without the diagnosis (except that perhaps the diagnosis empowers you to better understand yourself).
In a very practical way, assuming no pre-conceived bias, how would the diagnosis impact or change your relationship on a literal basis? How would it change the plans you've made for your future life together?
Isn't it correct that your diagnosis doesn't change you from being the person that he already knows?
I seriously doubt your fiancé hates autistics. He must simply fear the thought of his young children potentially changing from who they are now into stereotypical, severely autistic children ... meaning non-verbal, low functioning, seemingly mentally retarded, completely disabled versions of their former selves. THAT is what parents fear, & they fear it because they don't want to lose their child, the child they know. And they don't want to lose their relationship & future relationship with their child. But all that has NOTHING to do with you, with who you are, or with your diagnosis of HFA. And you do not "have" the only autism he knows about & fears.
Your fiancé has been with you for five (5) years & presumably KNOWS you quite well already. IMO he should judge you, your relationship & your future together by the person he knows you to be, not by a "label".
Separately, here are some other related discussions although they are not specific to telling a significant other.
'Coming out' to others - Their Responses | AspiesCentral.com
Coming out of the autism closet | AspiesCentral.com
Coming out of the Asperger closet. | AspiesCentral.com
How did everyone react to your Asperger?s diagnosis? | AspiesCentral.com
Just an FYI that to me personally, as an NT, my primary concern regarding anyone on the Autism Spectrum is the "meltdowns". No matter how much I loved someone, I personally could not live with or tolerate behavior that resembled adult temper tantrums or outbursts, regardless of how uncontrollable they might be. It is something that to me would feel dysfunctional & chaotic, & just not something I could be around. I am a gentle person & that would just not be healthy for me. Anything else I'm sure would be manageable.
Nyxjord, how are you feeing about things today? Remember, your upbeat, positive framing of this subject will help guide the convo. Different, not less. Challenged, not challenging. The cherished gifts your ASD brings you will be your mate's to enjoy!
Challenged, not challenging. The cherished gifts your ASD brings you will be your mate's to enjoy!
nyxjord
Well-Known Member
I am ambivalent about everything today. I've been thinking about it a lot and still am not sure. I mean, it's not that I feel I HAVE to tell him (I've lived on my own island and kept everything inside myself for so long and that's what I'm used to doing so I don't feel the absolute need to tell him...) rather, it's just that I'm comfortable with myself at this point and want to share this amazing world with him-- I've finally discovered my people and want him to know that this is where I come from.. But at the risk of being dumped and consequently homeless... It's just so risky. I mean, I have absolutely no idea if he will 'get' how important this diagnosis is to me and I even more so doubt that he will value/understand this world/ this part of me) at all.
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You live together? For how long? This only reinforces further that he already KNOWS you quite well & even knows what living with you entails. HFA is NOT the same as a 100% non-verbal autistic child which is all your fiancé & his ex-wife know & fear. There should be no surprise to him other than the application of a diagnosed "label" because he is already well-acquainted with who & how you are. You are the same person today as yesterday.
THAT is worrisome IMO because a good life partner is one with whom you can share things that are important to you.
My above post is long, but please read it when you have the time & emotional energy. My purpose was for you to mentally walk through - even write down if needed - all the good & special things about you AND your relationship, & also reinforce for you that HFA is NOT the same as the 'autism' your fiancé & his ex-wife think they know & greatly fear.
If you do tell him at some point, I would downplay the word "autistic" (since he is so fearful & also not knowledgable on the topic) & emphasize the positive qualities about yourself that you attribute to HFA. I would frame it as a positive discovery, but at the same time assure him that you are STILL YOU. The same person he has already known very well for 5 years.
I would also mention that you are in the same category as Daryl Hannah who like you is officially diagnosed.
That should make clear the obvious difference between YOU & the 'autism' that he fears.'Wall Street' Actress Daryl Hannah Is An Autistic Woman - Forbes
EDIT: Btw too, although Jerry Seinfeld is not officially autistic nor claims to be, in Nov. 2014 he stated that he thought he might be autistic, which he later clarified by saying he "related" to many of the traits of HFA. This really illustrates that all neurology falls along a very wide spectrum - something your fiancé & his ex-wife must not realize or understand.
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nyxjord
Well-Known Member
Just thought I would let everyone know that I told him last night. He was surprisingly... cool about it. Like, he did not show any emotion (disgust, fear etc) like I was afraid he would. I explained the process of me getting the diagnosis, what it's been like in the year since then (for me) and then the last couple months when I've really dove into our community (at large). It was a surprisingly productive conversation- he talked about his mental health issues when he was younger and how we both have felt alienated from the world at different times in our lives. He also mentioned that he thought there was always something "different" about me but wrongly suspected it was Tourette's or something similar. Anyway, thanks for all your help everyone.
Great news!!! I'm very happy for you!!!
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