Celebrating your difference

[Joel I]

This was scarily accurate reading this but I never stayed in the same place for long term friends when I was a kid. Now I am am diagnosed my family are saying I'm trying to hard to be different. But my family don't seem to want to understand anything about Aspergers and don't seem to believe I have it.

 

[Sass]

Just a few thoughts I wanted to put out there (and I wasn't sure about posting this).

One of the most disturbing things about this condition for me is this debilitating sense of detachment, this strange sense of otherness which has always been there. Even as a small kid I always had this feeling that I wasn't quite playing with the same deck as other people. It wasn't always at the forefront of my mind but creeping around in the background ready to remind me when I did or said things that were out of tune. I'm relatively lucky in that I always had a small group of friends at school and was just seen as the mad eccentric one. I was also never bullied (I'm 6ft 3 and broad).

Of course you get older and eccentric becomes immature, the expectation to conform becomes more rigid and the sense of detachment became more acute. Entering the adult world was a real struggle and I became very quiet and shy. My way of dealing with it was to almost celebrate my difference. Long hair, bright clothes and a stubborn refusal to follow any trend. It's almost like I dealt with this 'otherness' by wearing it like a badge of honour. I don't try to be different I just am and that is a part of the way it manifests itself. If I'm honest I'm still the same now and stand out like a sore thumb where I live just by the way I look.

I was just wondering if anyone else can relate to this.

Eccentric is never immature, at least not in my head. I'm eccentric, largely for want of a better word. As I've got older, maybe because I was diagnosed late, my personal need to conform has lessened. People can get thoroughly f****d if they think I'm going to spend any more time feeling miserable about who I am on their behalf.

I got louder and harder to deal with probably, but I have people who see the worth in that, and the worth in me. I know I'm lucky, but even if no-one saw it, I'd do it anyway. I can be me and still like things everyone else likes. My reasons might be different, but it doesn't really matter.

I'm 5'2" and was bullied a lot, but now, at 36, I let it go and I try to forget.

Anyway, I can't celebrate my difference, I don't know any other way of being, and if I'm going to celebrate that then I have to celebrate every difference, and that's going to take up all my time. If I celebrated it my house would be full of cake and balloons every day. What I'd prefer to celebrate is being accepted for my differences, but I can't see it happening in my lifetime.

Sorry, that was a bit rambling and mad!

 

[On the Inside]

I made myself look so neutral that I became a blank canvas on which others could project whatever they wanted to see. I must say, it worked very well and still does. Somehow if I look bland and unintimidating, I can push the envelope of social norms without ever making anyone uncomfortable.

That is what I have done. I tried to wave my "freak flag" when I was younger, but I always wound up not really feeling it, or even feeling foolish. I also thought that people who go all in might have real problems fitting in, and all because of appearance preferences, so it was easier for me to just go bland and do my own thing that didn't have much of an exterior appearance. I was able to express some of the things I thought about in creative ways. I wouldn't think of anything that I've done as pushing any envelopes, though.

I am interested in finding ways to express my difference in ways that are positive, I think that I was able to do that in early adulthood. Not sure if I'll get to the point of celebrating it.

 

[Slithytoves]

I am interested in finding ways to express my difference in ways that are positive, I think that I was able to do that in early adulthood. Not sure if I'll get to the point of celebrating it.

I used to find ways to express my differences quite easily when I was younger, without even having to do it through appearance, but somehow over the years I've stopped doing much of that beyond having unusual opinions and attitudes. Since my diagnosis, I've been wanting to recapture some of my old drive for creative expression. I guess this is because I'm feeling so much more confident in who I am. It's amazing how rusty I've become, though. No great ideas have come to mind, and if I spend a lot of time trying to think of something I could do, everything I come up with seems contrived and uninteresting. Since my natural bent is to be an advocate or activist of some sort, I suspect that's where my means of expression will eventually be found. I can make great rally signs, anyway.

I'm not sure where the line is between expression and celebration. Maybe I'm just not inherently joyous.

 

[On the Inside]

I have also had a big desire to restore my old creative drive following diagnosis. I felt like I could go back and rewrite my story, this time with successful endings to my endeavors instead of a lot of dead ends. I went about it in a very clumsy and selfish way, and it caused a big problem in my relationship. My therapist did say early on, before being anywhere near a diagnosis that I was starting a process that may result in changes, and not everyone will be pleased, but you're doing this for yourself first and foremost.

I think if I can just enjoy some things I'll be good, no need to celebrate. I don't mean to belittle anyone else's desires to find a way to celebrate, though.

 

[kris]

I am loving reading the responses here. I would say I don't necessarily celebrate my differences, but I do embrace them. As a kid, I tried really hard to fit in and never really did.

Since diagnosis, I've stopped trying so hard.. I say no to things I dont want to do.. and I do more of the things I *do* want to do... including wearing whatever I want and getting more tattoos

I used to work in a big engineering firm.. hated it. Quit my job to sew for my etsy shop. I have less money, but I am infinitely happier...I know people disapprove and think it's odd, but I don't care if they do.. it's my life

 

[kris]

I have also had a big desire to restore my old creative drive following diagnosis.

Me too!! Do it!

 

[Slithytoves]

I felt like I could go back and rewrite my story, this time with successful endings to my endeavors instead of a lot of dead ends. I went about it in a very clumsy and selfish way, and it caused a big problem in my relationship. My therapist did say early on, before being anywhere near a diagnosis that I was starting a process that may result in changes, and not everyone will be pleased, but you're doing this for yourself first and foremost.

It's amazing what that Answer can do for us.

I understand the selfishness. It's not intentional, or at least it hasn't been for me. It's pretty rare for an adult to find out something so monumental. We need the space to process it, play with it, and get comfortable in it. We can share it to an extent, but it's really a private experience more than anything. I'm sure it can feel alienating to the people around us who may reasonably feel we've become a little like strangers again. Have you ever looked at someone you know very well, and just for a second, you almost don't recognize them? That's probably what it's like, but for uncomfortably longer than a second.

Wise words from your therapist, I think. It's something every therapist should tell someone in that position.

Since diagnosis, I've stopped trying so hard.. I say no to things I dont want to do.. and I do more of the things I *do* want to do... including wearing whatever I want and getting more tattoos

I used to work in a big engineering firm.. hated it. Quit my job to sew for my etsy shop. I have less money, but I am infinitely happier...I know people disapprove and think it's odd, but I don't care if they do.. it's my life

It is kind of like a license to be yourself, isn't it? I found myself wanting to break out of old, repressive patterns once I had confirmation that I was something other than just a poor excuse for an NT. Things I used to dislike about myself didn't seem so bad anymore. Everything made sense in context.

Everybody has to follow their own path. My loved ones have long accepted that I'm not always going to do what they think I should, or what mainstream conventions dictate. At least now I have justification. It really is liberating. Good for you, for going the way that makes you happier. I admire your guts. A lot of people would be afraid to make such a big change.

 

[kris]

It is kind of like a license to be yourself, isn't it? I found myself wanting to break out of old, repressive patterns once I had confirmation that I was something other than just a poor excuse for an NT. Things I used to dislike about myself didn't seem so bad anymore. Everything made sense in context.

Everybody has to follow their own path. My loved ones have long accepted that I'm not always going to do what they think I should, or what mainstream conventions dictate. At least now I have justification. It really is liberating. Good for you, for going the way that makes you happier. I admire your guts. A lot of people would be afraid to make such a big change.

So true! I'm coming to terms with the "bad" and focusing on the good things I can do that NT's can't

And thank you.. I saved up for quite awhile before I felt comfortable quitting. .and my old boss said I could have my old job back anytime I wanted.. so that helped. So far, I haven't had to go back, though.. It was something I had to try or I knew I'd regret it. Totally worth it so far!

 

[On the Inside]

Everything made sense in context.

That is what I can celebrate, a new context to most everything. That does take a fair amount of bravery to face, as not everything is going to make sense, be explained, or accepted, by oneself and others.

Kris, I admire your ability to charge ahead with exploring the good parts, and keeping the negative in it's place.