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Can I get him back?

D

dashbro

New Member
Hi!
So I (NT) have been with my ex (has asperger) for 5 years, we broke up 2 months ago.

When he broke up with me he was in autistic burnout and I reacted too strongly for him, so he said because I was reacting so strongly, he had to cut me out, and there was no way we could get together in the future.

During these 5 years, he told me we were soulmates and he wanted to be with me for all of his life. I was the one for him. It's just been a few months during his burnout that he started changing his affection toward me. I dont want to put too much details for confidentiality purpose.

My question is: When he said there was no way we could get back together in the future, he was really angry, and I know he still loves me he said it to me... Do you guys think if I dont contact him for a few months and I let him have space there is chances I could maybe get him back eventually? When you guys cut people out, can you can eventually see things differently? I mean, he cut people out before, it took years for him to recontact them... I wanted to know what was your opinion on the subject.

Also if you do see things differently eventually after cutting out people, how that happen, what is the process? I'm asking in this forum because I have no idea, I have never cut out people from my life before.

Thanks! :)
 
Why would you want to take him back? Autism and being cruelly dismissive and blaming another for one's behavior are two different things. The former is neurology while the latter is an ethical failing at being a mensh. When people show you whothey are, believe them, especially when he is acting like a putz. When it comes to things like emotional blackmail, one strike and yer out. He does not deserve a do-over.
 
Remember, we are all different so you will have to consider different perspectives here. As for me, I’m not really sure that what I have to share will make you feel better as it sounds like you want hope of getting back together. I’m not sure that’s a good way to live, though, regardless of the chances of it.

While there are certainly people who exist that will shut someone out on impulse, for me, shutting someone out is actually the end of a long inner thought process. If I sever ties with someone, I have already gone through a very long time of considering this. I have wrestled in my head whether I can even manage having this person in my life and likely made several clumsy attempts to repair things. But, by the time it comes to creating a clear boundary, I am sure of it and there is no going back for me.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
The former is neurology while the latter is an ethical failing at being a mensh.
Click to expand...
What does that mean?

Gerald Wilgus said:
When people show you whothey are, believe them, especially when he is acting like a putz. When it comes to things like emotional blackmail, one strike and yer out. He does not deserve a do-over.
Click to expand...
Did you really glean all of that from the original post?
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Why would you want to take him back? Autism and being cruelly dismissive and blaming another for one's behavior are two different things. The former is neurology while the latter is an ethical failing at being a mensh. When people show you whothey are, believe them, especially when he is acting like a putz. When it comes to things like emotional blackmail, one strike and yer out. He does not deserve a do-over.
Click to expand...
Hi! sorry I don't understand, where do you see emotional blackmail?
 
Rodafina said:
Remember, we are all different so you will have to consider different perspectives here. As for me, I’m not really sure that what I have to share will make you feel better as it sounds like you want hope of getting back together. I’m not sure that’s a good way to live, though, regardless of the chances of it.

While there are certainly people who exist that will shut someone out on impulse, for me, shutting someone out is actually the end of a long inner thought process. If I sever ties with someone, I have already gone through a very long time of considering this. I have wrestled in my head whether I can even manage having this person in my life and likely made several clumsy attempts to repair things. But, by the time it comes to creating a clear boundary, I am sure of it and there is no going back for me.
Click to expand...
Yeah it sound like my ex speaking :'(
 
Rodafina said:
What does that mean?


Did you really glean all of that from the original post?
Click to expand...
Actually, it's funny, he dos have zero context but the fact that you are seeing the emotional blackmail is interesting because there was a lot of that at the end. So weirdly spot on.
 
dashbro said:
Yeah it sound like my ex speaking :'(
Click to expand...
It might be time to take the hard road to repairing your heart and not think too much about the future right now. Whatever will happen, will happen, but right now focusing on yourself could be the best course of action.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Why would you want to take him back? Autism and being cruelly dismissive and blaming another for one's behavior are two different things. The former is neurology while the latter is an ethical failing at being a mensh. When people show you whothey are, believe them, especially when he is acting like a putz. When it comes to things like emotional blackmail, one strike and yer out. He does not deserve a do-over.
Click to expand...
I didn't see that as emotional blackmail at first but yeah it totally is...
 
dashbro said:
Actually, it's funny, he dos have zero context but the fact that you are seeing the emotional blackmail is interesting because there was a lot of that at the end. So weirdly spot on.
Click to expand...
Nevertheless, it is important not to work on assumptions. None of us should be doing that.
 
Rodafina said:
It might be time to take the hard road to repairing your heart and not think too much about the future right now. Whatever will happen, will happen, but right now focusing on yourself could be the best course of action.
Click to expand...
I think you are totally right, thanks!
 
A putz knockout @Gerald Wilgus

I have cleared someone off my desktop. But then l reconsidered and realized we had been thru so many things, that it was to difficult to leave. Maybe you both are maturing a little and need some time apart. I have matured alot and l wasn't really ready to say so long. So it never happened.
 
Rodafina said:
What does that mean?


Did you really glean all of that from the original post?
Click to expand...
Yep, you betcha. Firstly, while our neurology constrains our perceptions, we have some choice in our behavior towards others, and to act cruelly is an ethical failing that has no relationship to neurology unless one is a sociopath. Then, Blaming other people for one's emotions, ultimatums, and a failure to control one's reactions in a relationship is manipulative to the max. I see no reason to countenance other perspectives. It would be like promoting false equivalence by bringing on liars to balance out the truth as some news organizations do.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Why would you want to take him back? Autism and being cruelly dismissive and blaming another for one's behavior are two different things. The former is neurology while the latter is an ethical failing at being a mensh. When people show you whothey are, believe them, especially when he is acting like a putz. When it comes to things like emotional blackmail, one strike and yer out. He does not deserve a do-over.
Click to expand...
Hey! I would be curious to know your arguments as to why you think if there is one case of emotional blackmail the other person should be out? I think you were particularly spot on on seeing the emotional blackmail, i left the details out and didnt even mean to present that as such, but there was so many instance of manipulation over the past few months that i left under the rug that i should have taken that seriously. Honestly, because its so far from his usual personality, I excused it because he was in burnout, but ive been burned out and in depression before and ive never acted as such. I would love to hear you more about it! Im specifying im not painting all autistic people as manipulative, thats the case of my ex in that specific context of burnout where i think he wanted to protect himself… but anyway abusive behavior is not right in most context.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Yep, you betcha. Firstly, while our neurology constrains our perceptions, we have some choice in our behavior towards others, and to act cruelly is an ethical failing that has no relationship to neurology unless one is a sociopath. Then, Blaming other people for one's emotions, ultimatums, and a failure to control one's reactions in a relationship is manipulative to the max. I see no reason to countenance other perspectives. It would be like promoting false equivalence by bringing on liars to balance out the truth as some news organizations do.
Click to expand...
Damn that is soooo validating to hear
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Yep, you betcha. Firstly, while our neurology constrains our perceptions, we have some choice in our behavior towards others, and to act cruelly is an ethical failing that has no relationship to neurology unless one is a sociopath. Then, Blaming other people for one's emotions, ultimatums, and a failure to control one's reactions in a relationship is manipulative to the max. I see no reason to countenance other perspectives. It would be like promoting false equivalence by bringing on liars to balance out the truth as some news organizations do.
Click to expand...
This doesn’t make sense to me. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
 
dashbro said:
Damn that is soooo validating to hear
Click to expand...
Thank you. And I forgot to welcome you as a new member. Maybe my perspective comes from two things, hypersensitivity to cruel behavior and an exaggerated sense of justice. As you recover from this blow, I hope that you will be whole, beyond doubt.
 
Rodafina said:
This doesn’t make sense to me.
Click to expand...
That's OK. I never have believed that high functioning autistics are merely reflexive machines. As thinking beings we are not slaves to stimulus and response and interpose our values between the two. So hearing about the response of that ND guy gives me a read on his ethics.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
That's OK. I never have believed that high functioning autistics are merely reflexive machines. As thinking beings we are not slaves to stimulus and response and interpose our values between the two. So hearing about the response of that ND guy gives me a read on his ethics.
Click to expand...
I’m having a great deal of trouble understanding you.
 
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