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Burnout Acknowledgement, the Cost, (TW: Mention of Self Harm)

Darkkin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Inflexible, control freak, brittle, and a thesaurus worth of similar terms, many here have heard at least on of them before. And from the outside it can look like one is being deliberately obtuse, solely for the sake of being a pill. But in reality you're holding onto your routine in a death grip because if you let go you will fall and it won't be a controlled decent.

It feels like every effort is a failure. Nothing is good enough and all you do is upset others unintentionally. You feel like you're the actual size of Gachnar in Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You want to be swallowed by the earth and recycled by mycelia colonies, knowing then at least you would have a tangible function instead of annoying all and sundry with your existence.

You want to speak up. But you don't know how. Your mind literally tells you, you can't. You're fine. All you have is leftover word salad decaying in the back of the refrigerator. You don't have a safe space to freak out. You can't set your mask down because it would upset and/or inconvenience those around you, so you dig a little deeper and swallow the exhaustion, the emotions. But you know the cracks are there.

You're failing because the facade slips. It isn't perfect. You're angry and upset with yourself that others have to deal with your hypersensitivity and brittle shell, its edges jagged and raw, causing unnecessary and unintential damage. Guilt adds its weight and presence to the load.

This isn't a meltdown or shutdown. This isn't a sudden flood of overwhelming emotion that boils over and resolves within a couple days. This is bone weary exhaustion to the point of physical pain, but you can't say anything because it is selfish. You've gotten through it before, you just have to try harder. But you have nothing left...

You want to cry, to rage, furious at the gaslighting stupidity of your own inner voice. A stupidity that translates directly on to you...you're the one in charge of your own brain. Just tell it to shut up...but it won't. So you turn your music up louder, so loud that it physically hurts.

The fragmented logic of redirection. Overload the system enough and the focus goes elsewhere, however briefly. So you resort to maladative coping mechanisms.

You very deliberately push your physical limits to the absolute brink. The park is less than a block away and you learned as a kid what a simple playground swing can do to the skin of your hands and arms. You fling yourself into the air, by turns furious, but free even as the arc pulls you back and beyond.

You are beyond caring if you land face first on the frozen ground. A part of you says you've brought yourself to this point, that anything that happens, any bones you break will be your just desserts. And by some fluke of sheer dumb luck, you don't fall.

So you fling yourself into the breach again even as you feel metal biting into your hands raising blisters against old calluses. Even as your skin burns like a scraped knee, you push harder, lungs, muscles, heart...all of it still have more to give...because if you stop you will fail...

Fail at what? There is literally nothing defining any parameters except that stupid inner voice honed by decades of corrections, expectations, and arbitrary requirements. Logically it isn't reasonable, which means you are being completely unreasonable. You're out of control and spiting yourself because you cannot get control.

You can't be upset and unreasonable. It isn't fair to anyone, especially those around you. Morally, mentally, socially, this is profoundly true. Those emotions aren't fair to others. So how do you cope? The swing at the park, running hiking trails in the cold and dark praying for your systems to finally break. But they don't...the only reason you go home is because you won't do anything to jeopardize the dog. He matters in a way you don't and never have. He doesn't judge your stupidity; he doesn't understand it, but he doesn't judge.

You hide the blisters, the bruising, the pain, and pretend you're fine. You don't have the ability to say: I'm not okay. And as before, once again, you fail because you don't speak up because you don't know how.

It is just three words. I'm not okay. Why is it so hard to say?
 
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*Hugs*

I realize words don’t help. There aren’t words for this kind of pain. That’s why you don’t know how. How can you know what doesn’t exist?

But I have to try. You are not a failure. You are a worthwhile human being. I know you don’t believe that now, but it is true.

When I am in unbearable pain, I genuinely believe it will never get better. It was explained to me once that the state of consciousness I am in when overwhelmed with pain does not know the existence of the world when we are not so burdened.

I’ve lived long enough now - I’m in my 70th year - to know there are different levels of stability, comfort, pain, etc. as I go through my days. I hope you will be granted this understanding, or whatever understanding works for you.
 
Oh you poor thing. You need a long drive to somewhere lovely, and a few nights of twelve hour sleeps. Also, indulging in a package of some kind of junk food would be very therapeutic. We're all here for you.
 
You did say "I am not OK" at the end, so I am glad at least there for you having strength now to express that, and through your post that was so obvious too so I am sorry you feel burnt out by things by feeling you cannot be yourself as you feel others may often take things the wrong way. It does sound like you are in a Catch-22 situation: Be yourself and you feel just as tortured as masking, and vice versa, if that is accurate to what you said.

I can just say you explained things well here from your point of view. You certainly described in a heartfelt way your anguish and pain and I felt strongly your belief of the hopelessness of the situation. I cannot say I understand completely what you are going through as I am not you, but I am aware of being burnt out in other ways.

But truth is, my pain these days is likely not as much as yours, so I feel bad for you there. This does not mean I do not become overwhelmed at times too, and it does not mean at times I wish I could feel allowed to be different in ways, but I tell myself most persons mask or hold back a bit who they are on occasion, but can show much of who they are at other times, too, so I try to focus on this.

I do though feel it will be up to you to figure out who you are and want to be, and not everybody will relate to us in ways, as we cannot p!ease all. This is an Autism forum so I admit I personally let more things s!ide here than I would if it were others doing certain things elsewhere, as some may be more blunt or not know the ramification as much of their actions.

With regards to your worries that you will not have the strength to mask or express as you like any longer, the body and mind often will instinctively tell us what to do to cope better, whether to fight or flee, and we can grow stronger with each perceived setback, if not then but !after, without even realizing it. Depression and severe anxiety can often cloud our judgment, too, but I think you know you have a lot to offer and have given lots of wisdom to others here too. Everyone here can learn during times we share the all sides of us, including ourselves. I have faith in you.
 
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Huxley hopes for healing.

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Thanks for sharing that. Amazing writing. It resonates with me. I don't have any answers, but I wish you well.
 
You explained your feelings, the conflicts that l can't explain. The tug of the mind filtering thru the treacherous mountain face that we climb, some days are worse then others when we are barely supported by the rope thinly parading around as life. Perhaps writing out more feelings will help ease the pain for you.
 
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Sometimes the most freeing 3 words that we could say are “I am sorry.” It is a phrase that has the power to remind ourselves in that we are fallible humans, gathered here, trying to understand life.

“I am sorry“ does not suggest an annihilation of oneself, nor a negation of one’s value and dignity in the world. Rather, it acknowledges that there has been hurt and that we don’t want hurt for others. Everyone on this forum has experienced hurt and we express it in different ways, and I think our collective attitude is in agreement that we do not want that for anyone.

Here, in this insulated place of the forum, we can work to protect each other from hurt. Every single one of us including you, Darkkin, deserves that. You deserve to be free from guilty feelings, but you will have to find the way toward freedom and the ability to make amends.

I offer compassion and love to every single person that is hurting.
 
I agree with @Rodafina . I recently experienced some things that were pretty upsetting and this place has really been my parachute helping me land a lot more softly when faced with adversity which seems to be a recurring theme currently. I do spin out at times, but less to all the great support here. You aren't a bad person, don't feel guilty, maybe understanding yourself more is the key to your freedom.
 
Sometimes the most freeing 3 words that we could say are “I am sorry.” It is a phrase that has the power to remind ourselves in that we are fallible humans, gathered here, trying to understand life.

“I am sorry“ does not suggest an annihilation of oneself, nor a negation of one’s value and dignity in the world. Rather, it acknowledges that there has been hurt and that we don’t want hurt for others. Everyone on this forum has experienced hurt and we express it in different ways, and I think our collective attitude is in agreement that we do not want that for anyone.

Here, in this insulated place of the forum, we can work to protect each other from hurt. Every single one of us including you, Darkkin, deserves that. You deserve to be free from guilty feelings, but you will have to find the way toward freedom and the ability to make amends.

I offer compassion and love to every single person that is hurting.

Yes, nicely worded @Rodafina. And let's not forget even saying such kind words or similar can also show strength too, by allowing ourselves to be seen in a more vulnerable light, and whenever you try to show care to another first before focusing on ourselves. And it can make us feel better too, maybe not initially but later on that we made that first move to show a concern for how the other felt or for how things could have been better handled on our end.

I mean it shows courage not only to admit some perceived weakness but to show empathy to another who is hurting too and try to make them feel better by validating their pain, even if one does not understand what they did was wrong or assumed the other was less hurt or did more wrong, which could be true or not as we all perceive things differently and have different capabilities, triggers and sensitivities.

And even if a nice reciprocating gesture does not occur from the other, the majority often will see the one who made the first move there in a good light, trying to take the lead there. So, even if one does not get much support during any confrontation, as many here will not want to get involved there, there will be person's who can see how both sides have valid points and can usually do better.

I just know in my case, I can do a better job there too in my words, responses or actions to help prevent or reduce the rarer confrontations I have with others, for things in life that I felt were hurtful. This does not mean I do not have the right to express my feelings, but just that I usually try to show that and any insights more through addressing directly and debating the "message" and trying not to critique the person.

The op's recent post here I felt was not offensive but well received as it called out nobody, addressed their own limitations, weaknesses or hurt, and what their needs were. I just think sometimes there is often a fine line between being very expressive in a well-received way, versus in a way that may offend. I realize we all want to be mostly who we are and accepted for who we are, but we should then allow the same in the others. We cannot have it one way.

It's often hard though to change our ways there, as usually just instinct and conditioning to focus on who we are, how we think and feel, or what we need, in our own ways, but if others are involved, we need to sometimes factor that in for the benefit of the group, and again, for the benefit of that other. We can be strong and make that first move. In my case, I feel better about myself then.

So, for any few here in the forum, for instance, that I longer ago critiqued directly at least briefly, I am sorry there. Regardless if I felt I or others may have been hurt by those words, I do not desire to express my hurt in that way. I could have just focused on inquiring more, empathizing more, and trying to do a better job of understanding their triggers, or giving more constructive feedback, in a more balanced way.

That way we all could have benefitted more.
 
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I can say that I'm sorry, that I was rash and stupid. I know this to the marrow of my bones. But who's going to believe it?

Reasonably, it is just words on a page. More addendums to my own failure as a human being. Human beings are reasonable, rational...what is left but troll. Seems fitting.

Others warrant compassion and understanding. I don't. There is nothing of value, in the parts or the whole.

When your existence is nothing but a deficit to the whole, I have question why I try?
 
A lot of comedians take self-deprecation and use it to pay bills. It's universal theme, I am trying to say that you are not alone in this and that l hope you open up more to why you feel this way, and have you always felt this way even as a child? Only answer if you feel comfortable.
 
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I can say that I'm sorry, that I was rash and stupid. I know this to the marrow of my bones. But who's going to believe it?

Reasonably, it is just words on a page. More addendums to my own failure as a human being. Human beings are reasonable, rational...what is left but troll. Seems fitting.

Others warrant compassion and understanding. I don't. There is nothing of value, in the parts or the whole.

When your existence is nothing but a deficit to the whole, I have question why I try?

The reason I believe any apology you do like that which is great is because I feel those who can see and appreciate or hyperfocus on good to great character in others, like I, you and some others here, which I sensed and saw in several past longer ago posts of yours when you seem to have an eye for that and really respect that in others, and when you can get bothered by certain undesirable traits, these persons can often be their worst critics despite any hiding of that or confidence shown on the surface.

So, if they apologize for something, it often is very sincere. This does not mean we feel totally at fault if we do such, but we often can feel relief admitting we were not up to our standards there. At least in my case I know that is true.
 
This burn-out pattern is pretty familiar to all the folks who had responded to you. I am glad you were able to say you're not okay, because it's giving yourself permission to not be okay that ends up helping people escape that cycle leading to burn-out.
Feeling unworthy is often coupled by trying to prove one's self worthy. When you get self-worth from productiveness, or competition, or whatever (I'm like that sometimes) it ends up eroding your sense of self. Instead of human being, you end up as human doing, and it's not healthy.
Time, rest, meditation, and physical activity helps. I've seen this eat enough people before -- Glad you caught it while you're ahead.
 

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