Broke up with gf

[mikemike]

So, you may recall my thread about a really bad break up last year. I like to believe I'm over it, but something broke in me. Let me explain.

So, I dated last summer and fall and even early winter. Did well. Met a girl and we hit it off. Sweet girl, and we fell hard for each other. But she has depression and anxiety. So she would have her episodes and I quickly learned how to cope with them. She has them often. After a few months of this, I began to get somewhat distant when she would have them sometimes. She would cry and ask for me to hug her, and I'd roll my eyes at her and stand there. This would only happen sometimes, but began to happen more frequently. Then, I just couldn't handle it anymore and would break things off, only to come to my senses a few hours later and everything would be OK. Rinse, repeat.

But lately I've been having this nagging feeling that I should find something more... Compatible. Like, we care about each other, but I can't deal with her anxiety any more and random crying over nothing. I know she didn't choose this, but for me, I can't wrap my head around it. So when she has an attack, it ruins my day. I become angry and distant. And I don't know why. I know this is selfish and she cries and feel awful. But instead of stopping, I keep going.

Finally, today I ended it. And one second I feel this huge relief, and on the other, I feel like I'm losing something huge. And i know she's miserable over it. And I feel in between.

What's going on? Why am I like this? Do I over react and come back down later? Am I just scared to be alone? Am I bored and want to find something better for me? Am I a terrible person?

 

[Katleya]

Sorry to hear about this.

Maybe you got the huge relief from the idea that things would get better for you (and hopefully they will), but at the same time, because you care for/about her, you're getting some negative feelings?

I wouldn't call you a terrible person for trying to do something that is good for you and, ultimately, probably better for the both of you (if her anxiety attacks make you irritable, and you lash out at her, it might be harmful for her as well and make her even more anxious... that's a vicious cycle). I do hope, though, that you ended things in a respectful, caring manner. There's no easy way to break things off, but there are ways that make the dumpee feel like crap.

Ultimately, every choice involves giving up on something, and some choices are harder to make than others. I hope this was the right choice for you, and that you find some peace.

 

[Momo]

I don't think you did the wrong thing, it will be hard, but if her attacks were leading to you being angry then there was no way it would have worked out without the Attucks becoming worse in response to your frustration and so it continues. So long as you did what you thought was best, then that's all that can be expected.

 

[Alaska]

I don't think you did the wrong thing, it will be hard, but if her attacks were leading to you being angry then there was no way it would have worked out without the Attucks becoming worse in response to your frustration and so it continues. So long as you did what you thought was best, then that's all that can be expected.

I agree with most of what you said except your last sentence. One of the things Autism Spectrum people mess up a lot is communication, or lack of it. He needs to respect his gf's feelings and make it easier for her to recover from being dumped suddenly. She probably does not understand why he split with her.

He needs to do something to let her know it was not her fault, that he does not hate or despise her, and does not intend to change his mind. If he is up to it, it may also help her to know his reasoning and what was going on with him.

It is considered bad to not tell someone these sorts of things except in person, face to face. If this is something you cannot manage, a handwritten or printed note, or a phone call or voicemail, are better than nothing. Many NTs feel better if you can get in some positive things about the dumpee into the communication.

I do not need to be a psych worker to know about this. I am an expert because i have dumped a lot of guys and been dumped a few times. It feels better when you do your best to let the dumpee down as easily as possible.