After a breakdown, the stillness seems to be almost loud in contrast to where you had been, and your biology will begin to correct itself.
I'm still learning about myself and how to navigate the world, so I apologize if I rambled. This is my experience and it made me feel good to share it, thank you.
I experience breakdowns and the calm after, followed by the difficulty of facing the fallout or aftermath. I am in my 30's now, and though my thoughts are very dark, it has become more bearable. When I was young it felt perpetual, and I felt that I simply couldn't go on. But like many things, repetition makes it better. I'm not saying "practicing misery"is the goal, but in a way, you are doing just that. Not trying to bask in it or trying to rush it, but being better at being the eye on the center of the hurricane - calm and separate from the noise and feelings that may be overwhelming. It's a cycle where the unwanted feeling causes an emotional response, which drives the physical, which feeds the emotional, etc. If you can distract yourself out of the mental engagement with the breakdown, sometimes the energy will begin to wind down and you feel back in control.
Thank goodness for the internet! Try out different tools and techniques, continue to bravely reach out. It was difficult for me to click reply and keep writing all of this, but every time we face these issues head on and discuss our experience, it makes the breakdown less scary. You have a plan, a routine, and evidence that you will feel better afterward. Which brings us finally to my thoughts: does it get easier, and how to deal with the environmental change.
I'm not sure what specific experiences you have, but I'm deeply sorry that you are hurting. A few little facts help me persevere and feel grounded a bit by thinking about the processes at work in my body that are causing my experience:
1: Emotional crying releases chemicals and hormones, the reduction of which helps balance your mood and the resulting calm can feel like salvation.
2: Smiling causes the release of stress relieving and feel good stuff to help get you in your way back.
3: Think of anxiety as excitement, and stress as your body preparing you for action. People who do this have physically different responses to stress.
4: Meditation /mindfulness /breathing exercises. This seems trendy, it is, but I wish I'd tried it sooner.
I found it much easier to adopt these methods when I learned at least some of the science or theories behind it. Watch some ted talks, listen to some podcasts, try some apps. I use the most popular meditation app now after my therapist recommended it, which had a few and paid version. I'd tried a number of free resources before without ever feeling that I had been successful.
But it turns out that the common thread is: slow down, fear makes it worse, forcing silly physical behavior results in a similar mental response. And it's not magic, it's biology.
I hope that something in there can be of value to you.
P. S. My sibling had a mental break in their 20's, and after a few years they felt better and took on a new job - with stressful situations that led to another tough breakdown. It was not as severe, they stayed with me for a few weeks away from stimulation and everything was ok. Afterwards, we were able to review what might have caused the initial stress and find tools to watch for and deal with it. I mention this to encourage you on your path. Continue to consider the environment, those changes in places and especially people (new rules to learn, etc.) can wear on you; a slow buildup of emotional pressure. So try to prepare for it as much as you can. See what others have done that might work for you. I "nest" a little when on vacation or at a new desk, making sure to have a few familiar and comforting things. I have noise canceling headphones and playlists to push my mood in specific directions. There's a meditation app on my phone, my therapist is in my phone, and my family (which is what you make it) is available if I need help.
Feeling safe and feeling understood, having our needs met, and the tough one: letting a lot of stuff just be however it is.
Remember that bravery does not mean fearless, it means being afraid and going forward nonetheless, in this case meaning life in general: each day is a new day, laugh and smile and be kind to yourself. If hugging or touching is comforting for you, there are some additional mood benefits from being around someone over time in a safe place. If you don't feel like you are loved and supported where you are now, fear not, your tribe is out there and talking to others who have shared your experience is invaluable. Thank you for sharing yours.
