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Break up?

S

Simone777

New Member
Im freaking out because my bf who is autistic as well recently had a death in the family and has completely shut down and withdrawn. When i reached out with messages of concern, he replied that he needs time alone to grieve and then ended by saying: i don't need to come home to 60 million messages. You are the clingiest person i have ever known. Is this a possible break up message? The ambiguity is driving me mad, because when i replied, he is ignoring that message as well!
 
Well I would guess this is about each of your attachment styles, rather than, or aswell as, autism. This is the style of attaching to others and relating that we develop in childhood, some develop secure styles, where others don't always get enough reassurance to feel wholly secure, and develop insecure styles.

Of the insecure styles, and probably due to gender conditioning about how we should express ourselves, its relatively more common for females to develop a style called Preoccupied where they may cling and come forward anxiously, and for males to develop a style called Dismissive. However both styles are based on anxieties, and are just ways the person has found to manage anxiety. He is distancing to manage anxiety, probably, and you are doing the opposite and clinging.

These two insecure styles are fairly common, and autism probably complicates things too. In effect, when something difficult occurs, the way each of you manages anxiety will have an effect that's difficult for the other, unfortunately. It is good to get support for yourself from other sources, like coming here, but also reaching out to friends or therapist, to help you with your anxiety. Then you can help him by not pressuring him. When you feel calmer and supported, you can just let him know you are doing that and are there for him if wanted.
 
Simone777 said:
Im freaking out because my bf who is autistic as well recently had a death in the family and has completely shut down and withdrawn. When i reached out with messages of concern, he replied that he needs time alone to grieve and then ended by saying: i don't need to come home to 60 million messages. You are the clingiest person i have ever known. Is this a possible break up message? The ambiguity is driving me mad, because when i replied, he is ignoring that message as well!
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Take him literally at his word. Leave him be for the timed being and he may well come back. When we go into a shutdown or perhaps even a meltdown, IMO it's a process best not interfered with no matter how close you may be to an autistic person.

Think of it more as a "time out" than a projection of a breakup.
 
Austic people are as different from one another as anyone else, but there are some tendencies that occur in many cases. Some are an extra need for solitude, and expending more energy in social interactions - so needing more downtime to recharge.
 
I would say that so long as he knows you are there for him, and respect his need to time and space to process, at his speed, you will be there for him when he comes out.

I would not regard this as a hidden break up message.
 
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