Boyfriend undiagnosed

[ca1991]

I've been seeing the same guy for about 2 years living together and everything. I've always known he was eccentric and it wasn't until recently that I've pondered the possibilty that maybe he has aspergers. I've been doing a lot of reading and it makes sense that his obsessions and difficulty communicating isn't just him being "a guy". The problem is I don't know how to bring this up to him. I don't want him to think that this is a deal breaker or that he's "retarded" because thats totally not the case. I love my boyfriend and I want to help him but I don't want to over step my boundaries with my self diagnosis.

 

[May Black]

What exactly makes you think he has ASD?
I don't remember when exactly I told my boyfriend I thought he might have ASD, but he's pretty cool with my assumptions as long as I only treat it as a tool of understanding rather than amateur diagnoses. In any case, pointing him in the direction of self-diagnoses would probably be wiser than dropping it on him.

 

[ca1991]

theres so many signs... he is crazy obsessed with Tupac and can talk 30 minutes straight about him even if people appear to be so uninterested. He just drove to California (we live in KY) to get a dog he has for a month because the dog "has been through a lot with him"... we did the long distant relationship and he could never understand why he didnt text me good morning even after asking him numerous times. He's got the sweetest heart but I was telling a friend about how bad are lack of communication hurts our relationship and she was one who said she thought he might have ASD and after doing a lot of research I think she may be right. Another friend thinks I'm trying to rationalize his behaviors but I really think he could have it and I wanna do whatever it takes to help him out because I know this isn't easy.

 

[May Black]

This could be a lot of things.
Is he peculiar about things such as food (my boyfriend doesn't mix food, he reacts to structure in food, there are very few items he will eat comfortably, I myself eat certain things in geometrical formations, please don't laugh, I love my rice squares). How is his sense of style? Is it one sided? Does he care about what he wears? Is he sensitive to fabrics? Is he clumsy? Is he sensitive to sound? Does he speak in a peculiar way? Does he use complicated words or sentence structures? Does he react in a way that you find completely exaggerated to something that is a minor problem to you?

 

[ca1991]

No he doesn't really exhibit any of those behaviors... I took an online test to see if I had ASD and while answering the questions i found myself answering for my boyfriend and according to that test he scored on the lower end of the spectrum, but of course that was me answering for him. My friend said she thinks he leans more toward narcissim but he is a human garbage disposal and has no problem eating anything (btw not judging you i have weird eating habits). I used to call him an idiot savant because he is so intelligent and can rattle off dates and numbers and loves educating himself but yet will sit and talk about his select few favorite topics (Tupac, politics, and guns) for hours, without stopping or having interaction with the people who hes conversing with. My mom thinks hes just immature and my friends think I'm trying to rationalize his rude behaviors but he worked out of town for 2.5 months and he would rarely ever text me good morning or goodnight or have a good day, you know the things a boyfriend (especially in a LDR) should occasionally do. He was pretty good about calling but it would take me almost breaking up with him and even then he still just did not understand why I was upset that he didn't text me for 3 days. And he is faithful I have no doubt about that he just does not communicate effiently. He is clumsy, so clumsy. Obviously I am not authorized to diagnose him I just need a good way to bring it up to him nonchalantly like, "What do you want for dinner oh and i think you may have aspergers..." I love him to death and maybe I'm wrong but if I'm not I of course wanna help him out.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've been thinking on it and the only way I can figure to break it is if he likes to take online tests and make an evening of it. If your acting and all is good, start with the fun ones like "what Pokemon are you" and "what your favorite color says about you" on places like Quizzila (if it's still around, been awhile since I went binge quizzing, too bad tickle.com bit the dust years ago because it was the BEST place for online quizzes) and gradually transfer over to a place like psychology-tools.com and take a few there, and then maybe even the Aspie quiz everybody is so fond of if he gets a solid AQ score.

I'm the garbage disposal in my house too. I get smaller portions of my meals because I know there's a chance my husband and definitely my toddler won't finish their plates. My big aversion is olives and most vinegar things like Italian dressing, unless pickles are involved. I can be gracious with icky vinegar for those delightful petite dill pickles. =)

 

[May Black]

Do you feel like comprehending life in general the way you do is a struggle for him? Does he have to put an effort into fitting in? How is he about change? Does he hate certain things to the point where you know there is no use even bringing them up?

Don't take this the wrong way, I'm sure you've given it a thought, but what you've described so far could also just be him being rude. My boyfriend is the most caring person I have in my life, our relationship had been long distance for three years, and unless something was terribly off, he'd always tell me good morning and good night. He remembers more or less everything I have ever told him about myself. Still, there are things he won't do, like buying me flowers, I think it's because he doesn't know which or how, but I'm not entirely sure. He can say and do things that are absolutely terrible to me sometimes, but if I ask him what he means, there is always some kind of incomprehensible reason behind it.

I guess what I'm trying to say, even if your boyfriend had ASD, that would give him no right to be selfish or treat you bad. If you made clear to him his behavior hurts you, I would expect him to try to change it, or explain to you why he can't.

 

[JohnH]

I love my wife dearly but I have to specifically remember to think about those little things like texting her little heart symbols for no reason out of the blue. It's like I understand the concept, I just have to specifically think about it and remember "oh yeah, I should show some outward signs of affection because that means a lot to her" just like she has learned "when he gets home from work, he will want to go be alone for a while without any demands until he can re-charge from having to deal with work all day."

I do tell her I love her and hug and cuddle normally when we are together, because she is there with me and so that script is running in my mind. But when I'm at work, or traveling on business, it's a different script that's running and I am not thinking about her then, unless something causes me to do so.

So it's not that he doesn't love you, it's just that there is no automatic trigger telling his mind "I should text her" unless he consciously thinks about it.

About telling him: many people are very resistant to being told things like that. The first thought that would come into my mind would be "Oh great, so now there's something wrong with me and she's going to want me to change how I act" which is, sadly, one of our challenges - it's hard for us to change some behaviors. Just like if I were to ask you to suppress all of your emotions and think purely logically, ALL of the time. How exhausting would that be, and how difficult to stick to it?

But, if he is having other challenges in his life, and can't seem to figure out why he has problems with things that others find easy, then he might welcome the idea that maybe he should look into AS as a possible explanation.

There's an old joke: how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

So if he's happy with how he is, he may be less receptive to a direct approach. You may have to help him discover it for himself.

 

[ca1991]

i appreciate all of your responses so much you have no idea how much it means to me!!! we actually got into an argument last night and i made a little progress! he was totally in the wrong (this time lol) and i asked him who does the absolute most out of anyone in the world for him and he answered me so i proceeded to ask why it was that i am constantly being treated the way he treats me and he came out and said something is wrong with him and he doesn't know what. I had the perfect opportunity to bring up the possibility of ASD but I asked him if he would maybe want to see a psychiatrist and he agreed he needs to see someone so I'm thinking I can maybe let a medical professional be the one to diagnose him with whatever it is that makes him wired differently. When we are together its perfect. He is so sweet and so affectionate and he's really good at taking care of me when i'm sick or he knows i'm sad but its like the second i'm not with him i fall off the face of the earth. and theres not a doubt in my mind that he loves me and he has no problem telling me (in person) or even his friends and coworkers have told me he talks about me all the time. Its just that his actions do not match his words and we were in a LDR the past 3 months and now that were together again in the same place i've been trying to examine his behaviors closer. Theres no doubt in my mind that he has some sort of disorder. Whether it be personality or mental, i'm not sure. His behavior also fits the symptoms of a narcissist but I also read that narcissists are often "aspies" who have been misdiagnosed. He doesn't have weird eating habits and he doesn't surprise me with flowers or other gifts but if he sees me looking at something when we're out he wont hesitate to ask me if i want it and buy it, but its like he can only buy me gifts if im there to approve which i've read could also be ASD related. The main thing I am worried about is him thinking that if he were to be diagnosed with anything that would change our relationship. If i could figure out the root of why he is the way he is then our relationship would be pretty damn close to flawless.

 

[May Black]

If I pointed at flowers and told my boyfriend to buy them for me, he probably would, he could also say absolutely not though.

Sounds like things are working out by themselves somewhat. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

 

[icesyckel]

I am glad my wife and I decided for me to get evaluated. Knowing the answer has made things easier. Her expectations for my behavior and her understanding of my intentions has changed.

Still, it won't solve every issue you have. Last night, she was really quiet and eventually started crying. When I asked her to explain, she just said, "It's okay - I know you aren't going to ever understand what I am going through, and I just need to accept that."

So, while I appreciate her attempt to understand why I don't immediately sense why she is upset about something, this was not the right reaction. When I don't understand/sense things, I tell her she needs to explain them to me. I may still not understand fully, but if I know why she is upset I can create "rules" to try and avoid recurrences or to otherwise try to adapt my behavior to try and avoid hurting her.

In this instance, it was an unscheduled event - not a holiday, birthday, or anniversary - just an occasion that was extremely emotional for her. My lack of reaction was more than she could take. I didn't react because I didn't perceive. She had tried to give me subtle (and some less than subtle) hints that I missed and/or did not appreciate in terms of degree. Realizing now how important this occasion was to her, though, I am planning to make amends tonight by doing ... something. (I'm still working on that part but have it well in hand.)

Bottom line, getting him evaluated will likely help but will not solve every problem you have. Relationships require constant work and compromise for both sides.

 

[icesyckel]

Also Ca1991, I would avoid using the word "retarded" here even in the context of your OP. I've seen some posts where folks got fairly bent out of shape over it. Apparently, it is not politically correct. As I have no use for political correctness (which I think is a concept that prioritizes semantics and social conventions over frank, honest, and blunt discussion of important issues), the word doesn't offend me. However, to some, it is a 4-letter word.