big fascination with competition

[musicalman]

Hi everyone,
Here's a sort of life story, I wonder if you can relate to this in your own ways and if so, if you feel the same about competition as I do?

As a child, I played piano a lot and became pretty good at it. my talents were often promoted and a lot of people came to know me because I was the piano prodigy in my area, or so I was led to believe, and had some press coverage too. Many people seemed to think I deserved a bit of a big head for my talents, but I had the opposite reaction. I was really shy and reserved. I secretly did love the attention but I didn't want too much of it because it could get overloading. There were often times when I didn't want attention at all and wanted to be left alone. There were times when I would gladly trade some of my talents for a more NT way of processing and the ability to find friends. I know now that the close friendships I desire don't come every day. But back then I didn't care about that; I believed that just being outgoing and starting conversation was all you needed to do to make a huge circle of close friends and I wanted that.

Once I realized that the social circle wasn't happening for me, I came up with another plan. I started bragging and showing off a little to get some attention. My hope was that, either someone would notice and be fascinated with me, or that they'd notice and be like "nah man, this is how it's done," and just blow me away so I could be fascinated with them. I don't quite know why I thought this way, but I did. I did actually make a few friends this way. One of my dad's girlfriends had a son who was gifted in math and fascinated me with that, and he even tolerated my musical crap so I guess you could say we were friends until they split up at which point we didn't see each other again. There were a few others who interested me somehow, and we sort of became friends I guess, but nothing that lasted. I eventually realized that friends are not always found this way, in fact friends are often found when you're not actively looking for them.

Nowadays I do have a small circle of people I would call friends. Best of all, I didn't find them by any sort of contest, and I am getting better at appreciating what they do without becoming too envious or judgmental, and I hope they can do the same with me. So that is a welcome improvement. But one aspect of this still feels really out of place for me.

My fascination with competition still remains, whether it's between myself and others, or whether I'm seeing it from the sidelines, whether it's a game or whether it's a real problem involving nearly impossible odds. The Hunger Games trilogy is a good example of the latter, as Katniss Everdeen repeatedly stands up to what is right and to defy the Capital. I found the impossible odds exciting, the actual games/arenas were my favorite parts!

Games are also exciting for me though. I used to watch game shows when I was a kid. I loved learning about the format of the show, any sort of trends that might help me predict the outcomes, and especially learning about the lifelines and their different usage strategies (I was a huge Who Wants to be a Millionaire fan BTW). It's funny, a lot of people are into physical sports and athletics. I'm not into those, instead I enjoy mental athletics. Even now, I like watching some game shows, though I only watch shows that require concentration/effort to do well in. I especially enjoy the ones I can follow along with the questions and answers at home, but that's not a requirement. The harder the contest seems, the more excited I get while watching it.

I have considered taking part in some music contests since I have a lot of special interests relating to musical and audio things. When I think about participating in such contests, I get super excited and geared up. Just recently I finally entered into one I wanted to do. But when it actually began, I stepped back and said, "Oh God the ****'s real now!" And then suddenly I froze. What kind of entry could I do that'll give me the best chances of first place? I want to do my best, so I want to make something that'll be first place in my own personal book, even if in competition it scores lower. I'm not super driven to push the bar higher and higher and higher each time I do a project, in fact I am the opposite actually. I have high standards but I'm very lazy. Competition makes me want to pull out all the stops though. In the end, I end up getting so worked up over decisions and fear of failure/dissatisfaction that I start wondering why I ever did this in the first place. I'm too wired, too geared up, I wish I could just be calm and have fun. But I can't. The only reason I'm continuing with this particular contest is that there are no eliminations, scores are simply tallied up after all rounds are over and the first three places are winners I think. I've also decided that despite my scores, I'm going to forget the competition aspect as much as I can and focus on taking on projects I've wanted to do for a long time but haven't started. For each round, I think about those projects and see which one will fit the bill. It's the only way I can do this. While I'm not getting first place, I try not to care so much. I still find it a little hard to accept the fact that despite my preparation, I haven't done as well, mainly because the competition was more centered around things I hadn't prepared for. When that happens I kick myself and wonder if it was worth putting all that effort in? I want to think so, since I am feeling personal satisfaction from doing something I want to do, and I think that is important. And music is subjective, why should I care about my competitive placement? I don't know why I do, but it's something I can't shake off.

So, can anyone relate at all?

 

[Sherlock77]

I can relate... As a semi-pro photographer I have tried competing in some contests, have never won a darn thing, even our local camera club that I belong to...

Somehow I'm convinced that winning something (anything) will prove how good my photos are, because I don't feel like I've really proven myself in that field, admittedly I'm squeezing photography in between a full-time job...

Other people have told me that I shouldn't care about winning, that there are other measures of success, if success even matters anyway...

I still struggle with seeing obvious success of other people, especially other photographers and artists around me, when I have few accomplishments to even brag about, my CV (artists will know what I'm talking about) is pitifully small, but then should I care?

When I first heard about the "little kid" who used to attend our church with his parents, who has grown up into a successful pro photographer, the first thing I thought was "what did I do wrong?" or something like that, and felt like dirt, literally... But again should I care?

 

[musicalman]

Yep, that sounds about right. I'm not sure how competetive you are but I can relate to the what did I do wrong thoughts. But I've given up on trying to figure out what I did wrong, and have come to accept the fact that we all have our own talents, and that I can do some things better than a lot of other people, and they can do other things better than me so it's a balance.

In my musical stuff there are aspects I focus on way more intently than a lot of other people I've come across. Where as many people seem to accept a few minor imperfections in those aspects, I will not be satisfied until every imperfection I can spot has been mitigated as much as possible. It sounds mean, but sometimes when I ask myself what I did wrong and why people are so much better or whatever, I look at those aspects that I focus on obsessively and see if they got those right. If not, then I'm still better than them, well at least in that department. They might be better at everything else but at least not this one thing which only I care about lol.

I am not the kind of person who tries to be better than everyone else, who thinks he always has to prove his greatness or something. I keep my competitive thoughts to myself. But I'm still trying to figure out why competition is exciting to me in the first place. I do think it stems from my childhood, as I used my impulse to compare things as a way to hopefully find friends who shared my interests/talents. But I have friends now who share those with me, so if that was the real reason, excitement over competition should be a thing of the past now. Since it's still with me, there's got to be another reason. Maybe just living my childhood with talents and attention but feeling confused and isolated changed the way I think? Or maybe it's something that would've happened anyway even if I weren't an aspie?

My dad seems to enjoy competition as much as I do, and I don't think he's aspie, though we think in similar ways. He always goes to the gymn, or keeps personal records of this and that, or tries to outdo himself and others and proudly tells the story when his efforts are met with positive reactions. He doesn't seem to be as fascinated with competition from the sidelines. For instance I can't see him finding games stimulating unless he was involved. I haven't asked him about it though.

Meh, I'm getting myself overwhelmed trying to figure out why I am the way I am, which happens more often than I like. Ah well, at least I am critical of it and am trying not to think of everything as a game. If I did, it would exhaust me in no time and create a huge problem.

 

[Bolletje]

I don’t like openly competing. I do very much enjoy knowing I’m better than someone else though.

 

[tducey]

I enjoy competing as well, always feels good to win something.

 

[Bolletje]

I enjoy competing as well, always feels good to win something.

But do you also enjoy competing when you do not end up the winner?

 

[Observant]

I actively avoid competition not because I'm afraid of it, but because it brings out my darker, subversive half. Extra temptation points if the person is haughty. I always politely decline, and if they persist I give them an explanation why (usually a variant of what was mentioned above), and this always worked. I'd much rather prefer working among a team of specialists to solve a problem. I still get my adrenaline rush, but a warm feeling knowing that I contributed to something, as opposed to the sickeningly warm adrenaline rush if I were to compete against someone.

Fortunately I use my destructive powers for good, which I'd like to extend to you this warning:

I love how you use competition as a means of self-improvement, but be careful. When you mentioned "Competition makes me want to pull out all the stops", this is very healthy for some people if they have a moral/ethical emergency break like you and I, but you might run into someone who might take your love of perfection and psychologically manipulate you because it gives them a sick, perverted sense of satisfaction to see you break. My grandfather was such a person, and he could take someone's strength and use it in such a way where he would gleefully turn someone into an empty shell.

The best of luck to you in growing in areas that you are passionate about. This deserves to be nurtured and shared with the world.

 

[Sherlock77]

Related to what I said earlier...

I'm not sure that I "love" competing with my photography, it's just that it seems like the most obvious way to have success

Yet in a recent conversation online, some of the advice from a friend was to not worry about it you win or not... Certainly within photography, and the digital realm in particular, there is so much of it happening, it's hard to compete...

And he noted that (knowing my photography a little), judging in high level competition is often quite rigid and does not reward a person who has a more distinct and unusual approach... And I think that the world in general often doesn't reward those who take a little different approach, instead those who follow the more established norms will tend to be rewarded more often...

I think I need to find different criteria for success, even some that are less public, but criteria where I know how good I am... If a magazine wants to use a photo to illustrate an editorial or arts guide, I can't be that bad... And those are opportunities I wasn't even looking for

 

[Fitzo]

Related to what I said earlier...

I'm not sure that I "love" competing with my photography, it's just that it seems like the most obvious way to have success

Yet in a recent conversation online, some of the advice from a friend was to not worry about it you win or not... Certainly within photography, and the digital realm in particular, there is so much of it happening, it's hard to compete...

And he noted that (knowing my photography a little), judging in high level competition is often quite rigid and does not reward a person who has a more distinct and unusual approach... And I think that the world in general often doesn't reward those who take a little different approach, instead those who follow the more established norms will tend to be rewarded more often...

I think I need to find different criteria for success, even some that are less public, but criteria where I know how good I am... If a magazine wants to use a photo to illustrate an editorial or arts guide, I can't be that bad... And those are opportunities I wasn't even looking for

I'm not sure I agree with you about 'people who follow the more established norms will be rewarded more often' when it comes to artistic endeavors. People who show creativity, innovation and originality are more likely to get noticed IMO. Of course they will still have to fulfill criteria such as lighting, exposure, composition, focal point etc. to be judged a competition winner.

 

[musicalman]

Very cool posts guys! Now this is turning into more self-reflection but that's never a bad thing .

I actively avoid competition not because I'm afraid of it, but because it brings out my darker, subversive half. Extra temptation points if the person is haughty.

Yeah, I can relate to that, though I am generally a mild person and don't like my darker side coming out. I tend to do things a little compulsively and have a meltdown later because I wish I had stayed away. It is for this reason that I've kept some distance from people who I used to try to convince myself to talk to more often. I just can't deal with those feelings, it may not even be anything personal against them, I just know they are triggers for me when they get onto certain things.

I love how you use competition as a means of self-improvement, but be careful. When you mentioned "Competition makes me want to pull out all the stops", this is very healthy for some people if they have a moral/ethical emergency break like you and I, but you might run into someone who might take your love of perfection and psychologically manipulate you because it gives them a sick, perverted sense of satisfaction to see you break.

well, I think we're on slightly different lines of thought here but I'm so glad you brought this up because it is admittedly something I hadn't really considered.

My desire to pull out all the stops is partially motivated by wanting to win, but also I think these days it's more motivated by the fact that I know that I, personally, can do more than I believe. A competition against others gives me an incentive of some kind to explore the possibilities, and often I learn things I didn't know before about what does and doesn't work for me to accomplish a certain task efficiently.

As for your concerns that someone will gleefully twist my perfection into something that'll break me, I am not too worried about it right now, at least not externally. I've never had someone do that. In fact I've had the opposite problem: They love what I'm doing so much that they keep coming back for more favors and I finally have to decide when enough is enough. They seem to understand so I don't think there is any malicious intent.

To directly address your point though, when I tackle my own projects or when people ask me for favors that I care about, I put my all into it once, and if it isn't good enough and I don't have a clear direction to pursue next, I am completely done and will refuse to hear anything else. You wouldn't think it by hanging out with me during one of these periods, but I do have limits. Sometimes I just need to sit down and have a good think and realize when to let it go.

Come to think of it, a pressing concern for me is that I become so pessimistic about things not turning out as good as I want, that I lose motivation and or inspiration. I don't necessarily think there is something wrong with everything I do, but my personal standards do impede my creative process to the point where I spend weeks feeling very blocked. I don't know if the answer is forcing myself to soldier on with something even if it's not as good as I like, or if it's to try to completely change things up in the hopes that I'll find new inspiration, or what. I do think that doing favors for people helps out because then I have to find some way to get it done or bale out, and as lazy/unmotivated as I can get, bailing out isn't something I like doing especially when I know that my high standards are the only things in my way.

Judging in high level competition is often quite rigid and does not reward a person who has a more distinct and unusual approach... And I think that the world in general often doesn't reward those who take a little different approach, instead those who follow the more established norms will tend to be rewarded more often...

This is something I've felt for a long time, and with the music competition I'm doing, that seems to be apparent. In this one the scores are based on votes, no panel of judges. And voters are encouraged to give comments, so I often like reading the comments. That gives me perspective which I think I am lacking. But like you said, some people are a little eccentric in their approaches and some people aren't prepared for that or simply aren't aware of the intent of the contestant, which can have some importance in art. I get to see this firsthand given the variety of comments the voters give and the entries that come in.

What I find hard is trying to find a balance between just doing my own thing without caring what other people think, and trying to take everyone else's ideas and perspectives into account. I frequently go back and forth.

I think I need to find different criteria for success, even some that are less public, but criteria where I know how good I am... If a magazine wants to use a photo to illustrate an editorial or arts guide, I can't be that bad... And those are opportunities I wasn't even looking for

Yep that's the kind of attention I feel the most success from too. I love it when someone sends me an e-mail or a message somewhere, and I don't even know the person but they've seen me around and want to tell me they took the time to look at this and that, and liked it. Even better when that person offers an opportunity to make that more public, though like you said I'm not really looking for that.