big confidence issue

[musicalman]

Hey everyone,
Sorry if I've posted something like this before. I have sort of a diary I write in occasionally, and half the time I intend to post my writings here but midway through writing, I decide I don't like it enough lol. This one I did like, so I'm posting it. This may be a bit of a mess, but I will try to keep it organized.

More and more I have been thinking about why I am unmotivated to do a lot of things I think I really could be doing with my life. While there are undoubtedly many factors, one has been sticking out when it comes to personal life, socializing, meeting friends etc. That is my shy nature and how much I lack confidence.

I've always been shy, and while I suspect a lot of that is me naturally being a shy person, and a person with a disability, I also think it came from how I grew up. I was often not well-understood by friends and family. I was the biggest outcast ever. The friends I did have were mostly people I tried to befriend just so that I could claim that someone finally liked me. Nothing close happened though, I didn't have those warm feelings of having a best friend who I could tell all my secrets, at least not until fairly recently. So for most of my childhood, I felt isolated, and I didn't know how to approach people who would like me. Some people are like, "friends are an all-that for that," but I wanted them badly.

I would get punished for things I didn't understand, so I started to believe that my purpose was to obey orders and follow the leader. I didn't learn as a child how to have a healthy discussion, so I would either completely go berserk because I didn't get my way and I thought nobody cared to listen to my input, or I would shut down and give in, or isolate myself so I could avoid confrontation altogether. When people say "oh he just wants attention, that's why he's acting out," to me that is the most shallow statement ever, at least in my case. When I did bad things, I was trying to express a desperate need I couldn't articulate, or was afraid to articulate. Don't get me wrong, I really do have a loving family and support, these terrible things I am talking about were not a daily occurrence. But they happened often enough. While I try to accept that they are a normal part of everyone's childhood, for me it was more; even now I get emotional, even upset, when I reflect on certain moments. I wish I could go back in time and tell my past self that eventually, things will start to feel right, you will find friends, you will be able to articulate better, you will just understand things a lot more, and in turn, will find people who can understand you better too.

I think all this has led to me feeling defensive when people criticize me, or when someone has an opinion that does not agree with my own, because I grew up fearing and bracing myself for such moments. When a confrontation seems likely, I still get myself in a hot mess because there is something akin to a raging panic that boils inside me until I allow myself to unhinge. It's not anger, it's something else, perhaps the fear of being unneeded/insignificant somehow. It often translates to anger because I am just so fed up with this cycle. I don't believe in violence, however. If I did, I fear I could potentially be a very destructive person.

This process is something I have been working hard to improve, by just picking my battles and trying to think more before I act, but it has limited success. sooner or later when I see a fuel for my fires, or perhaps it looks like someone is swinging at me but deliberately trying not to hit me, I either have to address it directly or I am in a sour mood the rest of the day, and inadvertently take my tense feelings out on other people, and it can become a vicious circle until I wear myself out and hit the reset button so to speak.

Over time, as my brain and thoughts have developed, I've actually become very sympathetic, particularly to people who I think share the same feelings I have, or who have an unpopular opinion about something. When I see arguments go down, I often take up for the side that seems to be portrayed as guilty, especially if I don't yet have a belief of my own on the issue. Those feelings of being guilty and not understanding what I did wrong come back to me, and I feel like I just have to do something. In the process of trying to diffuse the situation and say that everyone has reasons for thinking the way they do... I really don't appreciate being in the presence of this exchange because it is emotionally taxing me beyond measure... I inadvertently take up for the unpopular side too much and get accused of being dense because I don't get this or that, when all I was trying to do was defend my rather fragile emotional state. It's frustrating and is one of the big reasons I avoid public social media now, and I refuse to discuss or do research on politics or other global issues with anyone. Too much potential for disagreements to happen and my fires to blaze out of control. Forums are okay, I can avoid the threads that don't look nice, but Twitter/Facebook can be difficult for me.

I worry about how this will affect my life. I have a lot of difficulty in making decisions, even though I'm 25, because I still worry about whether my decisions will be right or wrong. I always worry about what people will say, or what will happen. I don't have any confidence; I fear that everything I will say will either be right by chance, or predictably but unpredictably wrong. Either that, or I'll sometimes say what someone wants to hear to avoid trouble, even though it may be in opposition to what I really want to say. In reality I am making the right decisions more, am sticking up for myself better, and also am a little less afraid of reactions than I used to be. I'm doing a lot better than I was even a few years ago, so I guess I can't complain too much. Still, I have really bad days where this weighs on me so much and I feel so on edge and exhausted. It seems most people aren't afraid to say what they think, and sometimes they deliberately say things that ruffle feathers because they are interested in the reaction. I wish I was that guy, because I think it would be better than this, at any rate.

I think this all boils down to a staggering confidence issue that has evolved into this huge thing that I didn't know how to control when I was little. Now that I can finally see this more for what it is, now that I know my feelings more precisely, I'm trying to reverse this process, but there are days where I fear I'll never really manage it because I'm already in this too deep. Am I speaking the language of anyone here? What are your thoughts, if any?

 

[Cactus]

Yes, you are speaking a language I understand.

To be as self-aware, and self-reflective as you are at age 25 is impressive. Shyness, in addition to ASD, leads to a lonely, and hurtful childhood. I isolated myself beginning in middle school. I was still ignorant of the world around me, and my maturity level was several years behind my chronological age. After high school, I became involved with people that took advantage of me. Even after four years in the Marine Corps, the issues that plagued me before were still there.

I will avoid confrontation if at all possible. My confidence level is tenuous at best. I describe myself as living on the edge of tears. Things change in a moment, and those changes can be devastating. I always tell those I love that I love them.

The traits I've described have stayed with me throughout my life, with little change. At times these traits were hidden better than they are now. I'm still trying to find a place in the world where I fit. I now know that I have ASD, however it's hard not to imagine what might have been.

 

[DCA]

I have huge confidence issues too, though the source of mine are different.

I was lucky enough growing up that I had a handful of decent friends so while I struggled like others to make friends, I always had a couple around that "got" me so I didn't feel so socially isolated like others on the spectrum (looking back, some of them may have been aspies too...). However a big source of my frustration & self esteem issues was with girls/women & dating. When everyone else was pairing off with girlfriends & experiencing those milestones of socialization, I was by myself wondering what the heck I should be doing? And even if someone liked me, how the heck would I know unless they came up to me directly & tell me? That's not how most NT women operate, so I'm led to believe.

Couple that with the severe bullying I went through as a kid because I was different, socially awkward or naive, & I am still at 43 trying to dig myself out of the pit. it's not easy, never will be, & I may be scarred for life. But I definitely understand.

 

[musicalman]

Thank you for your replies!
I was never really bullied in school. Picked on and teased, a little, but it was never serious, and I suppose when you're blind, it's pretty hard to avoid a little teasing in school.

I have always been behind. I repeated second grade, but even after my second year of it, I was still behind in many ways. academically, emotionally and socially I was still a little off. My grades were often average or below average, all but in a few subjects and special areas where I could ace a test, and often was the only person in class to do so. I'd briefly get excited, and feel like I'd crossed a milestone, only to find that when we moved onto something else I was lost. This also contributed to my frustration. Everyone was so with it, and I wasn't. At least that's how I perceived it. It was frustrating, wanting to find ways to articulate my thoughts and emotions, but not knowing how to beyond the basics. I didn't have the maturity to really evaluate this either, but I knew something was there. And even as a teenager, even through high school and starting in college, I knew I was different but I gradually came to resign to it. I was still living under the assumption that once I found a reason to grow up (Cactus's mention of the marine core comes to mind), that this whole confidence thing and feeling different thing would be in the past. But I am realizing that it's not so straightforward.

This led to a really traumatizing episode of depression several years ago, during which I contemplated the possibility of me having Aspergers. I'd been told by some people that I definitely have it, and by others that I most certainly did not. Right then and there, I wanted the label, I thought it would explain so much about me. Now I know that there's no hard way to diagnose, and even so, labels are just labels. What people choose to do once they have these labels is their prerogative, there's no standard. It's not as objective as a blind person needing braille or talking devices to substitute for print. Aspergers doesn't work like that. While I'm still curious about how a label would affect things, and whether or not I can mount Aspergers on a metaphorical wall of things I live with, it's not something I will actively seek out.

My depression left me never feeling the same again, but in some aspects I have grown from it. I've found that thinking and awareness is probably my best weapon from depression and from self-doubt if I use it right. That, along with forcing myself to stop thinking when I know I'm on a track to nowhere, and just bracing myself and following my gut if that makes sense, and doing what feels right at the time. I'll regret it later if needed. I am often drained of pretty much everything when I have to push through myself if you will, but I think I'm finally starting to grow up in ways that my childhood self would be excited about.

I've found friends who accept my qwirks and interests and personality, who appreciate and enjoy my company because of it. I've learned a lot about people too, and my confidence has grown enough to allow me to explore a little, meet new people though awkwardly, and try to form broader perspectives. It sounds so simple but it really becomes a revelation if you grew up with no close friends or even no enemies.

Admittedly with life opportunities, like getting a job, living on my own, just finding a path, I still have a lot of work to do, and some days I don't want to do it. Those are my bad days, the days I realize just how behind I still am, the days I just wish I were normal for lack of a better way to put it. Even so, I'm getting a little better at facing it. I am at least able to consider new opportunities instead of being scared that something will come up that I can't deal with. For me, the way I've done it is to think of someone I trust a lot, like my family who at least grew up with me even if we think so differently, or a friend who's been around and about more than me, who I can talk to and work out the things I am nervous about, and take it from there. People are eager to offer some advice if they can, and I am now able to ask for help in those situations. I've noticed that I'm getting a lot better at voicing my concerns too and have been met with positivity and kindness more than I initially expected.

As Cactus and DCA seem to be eluding, there's no real way to just escape and never look back. I think I've reached a point in my life where I need to shift my thoughts from "How did it go wrong?" to "How can I make it work?" I need to decide what is and isn't worth the struggle. I want to improve, but I also can't push myself until I give out either. Maybe a few years ago, I would've asked, "What's the point of existing if I will always have a disposition like this?" During my childhood I wanted to wage a war against it. But now, today at least when I am having a fairly good but thoughtful day, the prospect of it being a part of me doesn't really eat at me anymore. It still bothers me to a point because I know that it is ongoing, but I am prepared to deal with it, to accept the challenges it brings and hope for the best, because I can't really think of much else to do other than give up, which I almost did during my depression and I will never consider that route again.