Being together but living apart...

[pedallist]

My highly NT wife and I have been on a rocky road since we got married 9 years ago. Finding ourselves consistently failing to communicate despite having a huge amount in common, we eventually (following her reading a lot of books) settled on AS as an explanation for my not getting her style of communication (and vice versa). Having had couples counselling for a year with a very good and AS-experienced counsellor, we now want to try re-inventing our relationship. If the conventional expectations are at odds with your reality, then I guess it's time to start ignoring those expectations - and we're wondering about the possibility of changing how we live. Perhaps having separate rooms as private spaces at first, but then maybe renting a flat/apartment alongside our house. As we have two children, aged 10 and 8, this obviously presents all kinds of practical and emotional difficulties.

Anyone have experience of trying these kinds of unconventional living arrangements? What worked and what didn't?

 

[Beverly]

Yeah, my ex and I had separate bedrooms throughout our marriage. (we got divorced for work and life goals reasons, not ASD related at all.) That worked well for us and, we could set date nights to spend some time in the same bedroom when one of us needed that time. We each had our own space and, neither was disturbing the other's sleep or private activities.

As for the kids, tell them the same thing we told our grandkids - choose whichever of you, but the male is more believable and, claim that person snores too loud and keeps the other awake, so you have separate bedrooms. Simple, nothing bad and, it is a valid reason for being married but not sharing a bed at night.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, my ex and I had separate bedrooms throughout our marriage. (we got divorced for work and life goals reasons, not ASD related at all.) That worked well for us and, we could set date nights to spend some time in the same bedroom when one of us needed that time. We each had our own space and, neither was disturbing the other's sleep or private activities.

As for the kids, tell them the same thing we told our grandkids - choose whichever of you, but the male is more believable and, claim that person snores too loud and keeps the other awake, so you have separate bedrooms. Simple, nothing bad and, it is a valid reason for being married but not sharing a bed at night.

At first it might sound a bit drastic....but being on the spectrum I could see how that might mitigate a certain deal of friction in such a mixed marriage. After all, we do need our own space. That's a critical issue to me at least. I have to have my own "downtime" alone. Otherwise there's a "buildup" of negative feelings for me and eventually my relationship would suffer- or end.

 

[Cosmophylla]

My parents both snore extraordinarily loudly and can't sleep in the same room. They now usually sleep in separate rooms, one in the master bedroom and the other in a smaller room. I don't know the point of the fancy queen sized bed when only one of them sleeps there... I'm not sure when it started as I had left home and it was only when I returned from overseas that I learnt of the arrangement. It's no big deal and they are still together after 45 years or so.

My paternal grandparents slept in separate beds as long as I can remember, too. It was just the way they did it and I thought nothing of it.

 

[MkeRN]

My husband and I sometimes sleep separately and for us it makes things worse. It opens the door of setting a routine when you are alone, and not trying to stay together. Then since he's the aspie, it creates a routine of him being alone and he wants to do it more and more. Then I have a harder time drawing him back into marriage activities. We just sat down one day and said ok this is what you have, and either we wipe the slate clean and try or I'm done trying to force you to participate in a relationship. And we started over, and its been great. We also did things to help our communication. I loved the David Finch book, and there's an amazing podcast/writer named Brian R. King, and a canadian aspie therapist who does weekly podcasts named Alina Kislenko, that all REALLY helped how we talk. One technique we learned wasn't even about talking, cause he was listening but not "hearing" me. So we have a notebook we pass back and forth. I can leave a message, he can answer, think about it, ask questions back, that has been amazing. Seeing it in writing has clicked like me talking never has.

 

[hiraeth]

if I ever have a partner I think that not sleeping in the same room would be a pretty important requirement for me.

 

[midlife aspie]

Before we had kids I had my own room. Now I sleep on the couch.

 

[Linika Par]

My mother (NT) and father (AS) had a relationship where they did it how they wanted it and how it fit them. My mom has always made it a point to tell me that I make up my own relationship rules.

That said, we had a summer house, where my mom would live in the summer months with the kids and my dad would visit some times, eat with us and on occasion stay the night with my mom (snicker). In the winter months we would all live at home in an apartment. My parents did share a room, but my Dad had like a study where he could have his alone time. When my sister moved out my mom did sleep in her room for a while, but I think that was more to do with the fact that their bed was broken on one side, so there was really only room for one person..

Growing up my friends did have some trouble not understanding my living situation; whether or not my parents were divorced or married. Pretty much explained that they were neither and that this was just how we lived.

I think it was very good that my parents did this and I think they needed it for all the mis-communications and issues.

That said, this particular arrangement might not work for your family. But talk it through, make a list of what you need or are missing and figure out how you want to do your life and best of luck!