Being repressed

[Ban]

I can often come across as boring and repressed. I think this is because in my masking I am often dampening down alot of my personality but I am not replacing it with anything else so its just coming across as like I have no personality.

For example I find situations where people are having fun and being silly really hard unless I'm very close with them because I'm not able to let my guard down and be the version of silly that would come naturally to me. I don't really know how to join in the fun "the right way" so I therefore don't really join in and seem boring.

Has anyone had success with either only dampening parts of their personality half way so as to still have a personality or having a separate fake but acceptable personality to join in with so as to not seem so repressed and lacking personality?

 

[Judge]

Good points. Too much masking can potentially turn people off. Though even being able to identify that it can happen doesn't mean that I can point out a threshold which reflects too much masking. It's complicated to say the least.

Not a simple proposition for many of us. Certainly not for me.

I had written a paragraph about options, but looking back none of them were really good enough to export to others on the spectrum. Sure we can dilute ourselves with substances, abused or not. But neither alcohol or prescription anti-anxiety medications were ever really long-term solutions to such issues.

I suppose in my own case, the best solution was to find the very few people I consistently felt comfortable with. Though sadly this lasted only as long as well all stayed with the same employer. Inevitably we all went in different directions and lost touch. And with it, my comfort level with others. These days I live in semi-isolation only keeping up socially with two blood-relatives. And yes, I still mask with them, knowing I can never truly be myself even with my own kin.

Sorry I can't come up with a better solution.

 

[Thinx]

I sometimes get by ok by use of humour, being witty or weird. That's probably my best tactic. Plus I am also a good listener, which a lot of people like to have sometimes. But I don't socialise a lot.

 

[Fino]

When I'm with people I don't know well, I'm typically like that, repressed, quiet, etc. and I don't see any problem with that.

 

[Ban]

Good points. Too much masking can potentially turn people off. Though even being able to identify that it can happen doesn't mean that I can point out a threshold which reflects too much masking. It's complicated to say the least.

Not a simple proposition for many of us. Certainly not for me.

I had written a paragraph about options, but looking back none of them were really good enough to export to others on the spectrum. Sure we can dilute ourselves with substances, abused or not. But neither alcohol or prescription anti-anxiety medications were ever really long-term solutions to such issues.

I suppose in my own case, the best solution was to find the very few people I consistently felt comfortable with. Though sadly this lasted only as long as well all stayed with the same employer. Inevitably we all went in different directions and lost touch. And with it, my comfort level with others. These days I live in semi-isolation only keeping up socially with two blood-relatives. And yes, I still mask with them, knowing I can never truly be myself even with my own kin.

Sorry I can't come up with a better solution.

Yeah I think finding people you feel comfortable with is definitely the best way round the problem. Interesting you said about alcohol and anxiety medication because I generally stay away form alcohol because I usually end up too loose and acting too wild even for the situation, even with other people drinking! Diazapam seems to be the sweet spot for me for normal situations but as you said, sadly isn't sustainable so tend to limit it as much as possible.

I sometimes get by ok by use of humour, being witty or weird. That's probably my best tactic. Plus I am also a good listener, which a lot of people like to have sometimes. But I don't socialise a lot.

I also use engaged listening to give people a positive experience and try to gain some connection, I feel like something lighter for group situations where nobody's really saying anything in particular would be good though. I suppose like you said with humour would do the job there but I never know how to execute it. People do seem to find me funny though but its more finding my perspective so off the mark that they laugh rather than me being intentionally witty.

When I'm with people I don't know well, I'm typically like that, repressed, quiet, etc. and I don't see any problem with that.

Thats a fair point, I'd agree there isn't anything inherently wrong with it and if someone is comfortable being that way then it's totally cool. I just sometimes feel that that's not what I'm going for but seem to end up with anyway.

 

[Thinx]

Have a look at the thread @harrietjansson started, it's called Social skills training, some interesting discussion relevant to your issue there. I would say our difference is quite profound in this area, and it's not unfortunately a matter of picking up skills, but that we may be just differently functioning in this area. I call it the Bermuda triangle, unstructured social interaction.

Part of it is timing and possibly processing time lags or differences. But probably there's more to it in terms of brain difference. It's very hard to notice a lack, but there's a lack of something NTS have more intuitively. That's part of it, anyway. But perhaps we focus elsewhere? And our out of the box thinking takes us to other priorities.

 

[AprilR]

Same. I often feel so tired while masking and trying to make out people's intentions i forget to make myself a fun person.

 

[Matthias]

I think it's normal to be guarded and cautious around people you don't know very well and then open up more once you get to know them better and feel like you can trust them. However, if you hide your true self (masking) because you're afraid of people judging you, they will most likely see you as boring and avoid you because of it. You ultimately have to take a risk being yourself around some people if you want them to like you. If things go well, it will improve your self-esteem and confidence which will make things easier in the future. If things don't go well, you can still learn from the experience and use that knowledge to increase your chance of success in the future.