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Been to NT support websites, need to untangle my brain

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by flawedplan, Jan 12, 2018.

  1. flawedplan

    flawedplan Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Howdy, this is the first of what I hope to be many posts in a warm and diverse community of new friends. I am not on the spectrum but I'm not neurotypical. More about me another time, first I need to unload.

    My partner and I have been together less than 3 years, and in couples counseling from the very beginning since he started blowing my mind from day one. We are in our late 50s. He's been slowly opening up about the belief he is on the Spectrum, but he's never been able to really look at how its impacted his life. He's had a hard run, and was in a bad place when we met. He is in a much better place now, and beginning this journey. I believe he has been passing for neurotypical all along, and is getting ready to come out as Hfa. It's beautiful to be a part of this, if that's what's happening.

    Meanwhile I struggle in this romance. Encountering some familiar problems I've had with other men in preceding relationships, but on a much grander scale, and these problems persist. They have to do with disconnection. That sounds so blameless and simple, disconnection. But I can't leave it there, because he is accountable.
    Relationships are about emotional labor. They're work. The disconnection does not just "happen". He drops the ball. The relationship becomes one-sided. And I am left feeling neglected, invisible, devalued, prickly, alone.

    But two things. We are both gender progressives, who believe that patriarchal norms poison our relationship, and we welcome feminist interventions to try to get them out of the way.
    And we see a couples counselor who does Emotionally Focused Therapy, which deals directly with alexithymia, which my guy scores highly in.

    I may sound calm but near trauma brought me to this website. Or maybe finally coming to my senses. Life has been so bewildering for so long, now with the Aspie dx on the horizon there is new hope and possibility for us, so I want to learn about it as fast as I can while being respectful of him as he goes at his own pace. Which meant I was doing all my learning at NT/ASD online support gropes.

    Most of these gropes are invisible so you have to go through James Bond to join, then do a moderated intro post, so by the time I was able to look over the content I removed my post instantly and scrammed. I joined five groups, left four and only posted at one and even that led to a fight and 20 responses where I had to defend my relationship from women who seemed to deliberately misunderstand.

    I'm not naive, I know about the narc-o-sphere, where ex-wives of narcissists rail against the men they were once married to, without knowing they were mean mistreaters at the time.

    What I don't understand is all these miserable disempowered NT women who are married to Aspies. As if this was 1955, and the man was King of his Castle, ruling with an Iron Fist, and according to them, all the mental health professionals tell these women they have to submit to their husband as he is, because of his wiring. They call themselves caretakers. I can't believe what I'm reading.

    I don't know what to make of all that, but I am a modern woman, who was lucky enough to have lived through a woman's revolution. My man, who seems as Aspie as they come doesn't quite pick up on it when I'm bereft. But when I tell him I am in pain, he comes and sits near me, holds my hand and we take it from there. That doesn't make this an easy relationship.

    The NT demonization is intense, and insidious. And I am as suggestible as any wretched, mixed up internet-addicted loon. After reading the first *support* post I almost locked my lover out of the house for the night, shaking and scared and hitting the spritzers.

    But I've spent more than a couple weeks absorbing that literature and think I'm okay now. Overexposed myself to the point of desensitization, if I remember Psych 101. I cannot stand bigotry. All I want is the truth.

    Anyways, I probably should have come here first. Pleased to meet y'all.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 4
  2. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to AspiesCentral!
     
  3. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Last edited: Jan 12, 2018
  4. WereBear

    WereBear License to Weird V.I.P Member

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    Jiminy! It sounds whacky out there!
     
  5. Sportster

    Sportster Aged to Perfection V.I.P Member

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  6. Warmheart

    Warmheart Something nerdy this way comes V.I.P Member

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    Welcome. :)
     
  7. ZebraAspie

    ZebraAspie Well-Known Member

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    Hi welcome to Aspie central.

    NTs are not like you and I, they think differently.
     
  8. Ambi

    Ambi Well-Known Member

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    Hello and welcome :) I have a recommendation that may interest you - try checking out books and videos by Sarah Hendrickx about relationships with someone on the spectrum.
     
  9. granolaturtle

    granolaturtle Well-Known Member

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    A lot of NT focused and ran "support" sites for people with non NT partners are just places to spread demonization and fear about non NT people. Its good you got out of that - some people just end up programmed to hate non NT people from those kind of websites.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  10. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Welcome!
    True.
    Some of them are just ridiculous.
     
  11. WereBear

    WereBear License to Weird V.I.P Member

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    Whaaaaaaat? Some people just lead utterly useless lives, I guess.