Autistic Girlfriend, I am depressed

[Dudette]

I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?

 

[Keigan]

I believe change is possible, though I also believe in miracles.

 

[BK201]

How does she behave around other people, at school/work? She should be getting help from a psychiatrist, imho.

 

[Dudette]

How does she behave around other people, at school/work? She should be getting help from a psychiatrist, imho.

Well, she doesn't talk to anyone at school except her friend, sometimes when she sees me at school she would hide, but most of the time she just ignores me even if I talk to her. Thats why I am not sure anymore even though I did a lot of research, most of people who dated people with aspergers did not have this experience. Should I just tell myself ok this person has low-functional autism; thus, this is the reason why she behaves this way, or maybe she has high-functional autism, but she did not have contact with more than just this friend, and there is a possibility for her to learn that this behavior is bad (not showering, playing hide and seek, etc.), and hoping that someday she will learn how to keep up a conversation via text or IRL.

 

[Datura]

Have you told her that her lack of communication and poor hygine bother you? If not then I would start there, and be as specific as possible. Based on what little detail you have provided it is possible she doesn't even know you are upset.

While people can (and inevitably do) change in a relationship, it is unwise to expect major changes in any desired direction. If you attempt to alter somebody's general habits or personality you will most likely fail. If it is merely a matter of misunderstanding though then that can be more easily resolved, if you are both willing to put in the effort.

Not knowing the severity of her autism it is possible that she may not actually be capable of communicating with you at certain times. Verbal communication can be very taxing and she may actually be going mute. Also; many people on the spectrum struggle to maintain conversations. She might not be willfully ignoring your texts so much as she doesn't know how to reciporocate or understand that this is expected of her.

I am, of course, merely speculating. If you want to resolve this issue communicate as directly and clearly as possible. If you still feel unsatisfied with the relationship afterward then it is time to move on.

 

[BK201]

Have you told her that her lack of communication and poor hygine bother you? If not then I would start there, and be as specific as possible.

I wouldn't tell her about her hygiene just yet. I don't think she'd react very well...

 

[Dudette]

Have you told her that her lack of communication and poor hygine bother you? If not then I would start there, and be as specific as possible. Based on what little detail you have provided it is possible she doesn't even know you are upset.

I tried to tell her indirectly first about communication, and later directly which was a bad idea because she started to cry and telling me that "BF and GF are not supposed to communicate with each other because thats what friends do". After this I gave up telling her about her hygine and hide and seek game
because I am not sure anymore if there is a point and whether I am approaching the problem the right way and whether this problem is resolvable.
I am sorry, but this is the first time I have seen this.
Not being able to keep up a conversation (I think she is because I have seen her talking to her friend, but not good at it which is fine) AND be very resistant towards a conversation.

 

[xudo]

She may be able to learn to mimic social interaction, but it will never come as intuitively to her as it does to NT's. In terms of the poor hygiene, that's something that someone would need to point out to her as it's likely she just doesn't see it as important or forgets. At one point when I was younger and I was supposed to be responsible for my own showering/brushing my teeth, I was terrible. It just didn't strike me as that important or it would just slip my mind. Eventually I came to realise it was important, and got into the habit and now I take pride in it.

In the grand scheme of things though, there will likely always be things that she does (or doesn't do) that you are unhappy with/don't understand/wish she didn't do and there's no changing that (or her).

 

[Streetwise]

she has mild depression, is stressed by relationships its a mix of autism and ill health and a coping strategy: just TEXTING- reducing possibilities of being too stressed ie one form of communication to be clear classic low functioning autism is also non verbal she communicates!!!! read tony attwoods book about Aspergers hes a psychologist, autism in women is different from human males

Well, she doesn't talk to anyone at school except her friend, sometimes when she sees me at school she would hide, but most of the time she just ignores me even if I talk to her. Thats why I am not sure anymore even though I did a lot of research, most of people who dated people with aspergers did not have this experience. Should I just tell myself ok this person has low-functional autism; thus, this is the reason why she behaves this way, or maybe she has high-functional autism, but she did not have contact with more than just this friend, and there is a possibility for her to learn that this behavior is bad (not showering, playing hide and seek, etc.), and hoping that someday she will learn how to keep up a conversation via text or IRL.

 

[StephF]

Sounds to me that you're more concerned about yourself than her !
You cannot get an Aspie/Autie to behave in a way you think is normal. For them to even try is a great stressor to them.

This is a common problem for us with NT's ("Normal" folk)

 

[Dudette]

Sounds to me that you're more concerned about yourself than her !
You cannot get an Aspie/Autie to behave in a way you think is normal. For them to even try is a great stressor to them.

This is a common problem for us with NT's ("Normal" folk)

I guess you are right.

 

[Danny 74]

Everyone's different my dear...! We just have to accept that...!

 

[Lady.Captatrix]

I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?[/QUOT
While I'm not an NT (I, myself, am on the spectrum), I can understand how frustrating it can be to deal with people who don't seem to have a firm grasp on what's considered acceptable. If I could offer any advice, begin with trying to explain the communication thing with her a bit. Everybody is different, yes, but we all have our own set of limitations on what we can tolerate. It's all about people who can work past their Autism/Aspergers vs. those who use it as an excuse to be... well, a pain in the butt. That may sound harsh, but that's how it is.

 

[radasp]

If her behavior is so "bothersome" to you, why you want to be friends? What's the point????

 

[Grandmother B]

I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?

Please go to www.aspergerexperts.com. They have lots of free videos and content to help you deal with an Asperger's person. Good luck and blessings! Also her parents might benefit from this site.

 

[Ylva]

Oh boy, middle school. I remember being so stressed out by all the people and all the commotion, some days my senses refused to make sense of anything. Then again, I burned out halfway through.

Tell the girl that her misguided stereotypes about relationships are way off. Because even if you break up she should know.

 

[Yucca]

Okay...
You are allowed to be concerned about yourself!
This is not about right or wrong.
You can chose how you want to act.
My way would be to be patient. Nowadays an oldfashened and unpopular way of acting, maybe.
Show her your interest, don't give up, always respecting her privacy. Maybe it will lead to something, maybe not. BUT you will learn a lot about yourself that way!!! I would think, THERE IS NO RUSH!!!
This might sound strange but I speak out of experience. I needed several years to build a stable base of friendship with my partner(Aspie as I am), but finally we managed.

 

[Hartley]

I am not sure what to do.
I was told on this forum that you cannot change person with aspergers.
But there is this problem that she lack any social skills for example she would force me to play hide and seek while walking down the street which I dislike and often she would not shower.
She refuses to have any conversation with me (via text and IRL), but at the same time she tells me that she loves me (sometimes via text). She doesn't have any idea how to behave around me, she would often play hide and seek (I would talk to her, and then suddenly she would just runaway and hide). This is so depressive especially that she doesn't say a word the whole time.

What I am trying to say is whether there is nothing to be done?

I mean no disrespect to you and your girlfriend but from the information you have shared I am of the opinion that your girlfriend is mentally challenged which leads me to wonder why you are with a person that isn't on the same wavelength as you are. Seems a bit strange. Perhaps you should date someone else that doesn't have the maturity of an 8 year old. I think it's the right decision.

 

[Elizabeth]

I tried to tell her indirectly first about communication, and later directly which was a bad idea because she started to cry and telling me that "BF and GF are not supposed to communicate with each other because thats what friends do". After this I gave up telling her about her hygine and hide and seek game

If this is how she understands relationships, you have a hard row to hoe. You are both young - moving on is not cruel. If this is too taxing for you, perhaps you should consider backing up a bit and just having a friendship? If that is too painful, it is perfectly fine for you to gracefully sever ties and move along. You can always love someone, without being in love.

If you are in love with her, and want to continue to try for a relationship, I think you may want to meet her parents and have open dialogue available for anyone important in her life.

Can her friend tell you anything about how to better communicate with her, or make her feel more relaxed?

If talking to her friend feels like overstepping boundaries, perhaps you could ask her parents for ideas?

Please, don't get into a cycle of making your wants unimportant, out of respect to her? She must be an amazing person, since you are in this situation, to begin with! But your feelings are valid and important, too.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your love for her, by seeking information in appropriate places! You have a good heart. ❤

 

[ConcernedDad]

People with ASD tend to handle social interactions using memorized rules rather than intuition. You stated that she believes that "BF and GF are not supposed to communicate, that's for friends." This is an obviously incorrect rule that she has. I'd start with talking to her about why she should change that rule and communicate more with you. She will never be a great communicator, but if she can change the rule, she will at least understand that she does need to talk to you more.