Autism or Parental Abuse?

[buchman]

I’m trying to figure out if I have Asperger’s or some other psychological condition. I’m pretty sure I have Asperger’s because I have a bunch of aspie traits and used to have more before masking. I’m borderline on several autism/Asperger’s tests but very high on the autism masking test. (A couple of years ago I began “flapping.” I never knew until the other day that this is a common autistic trait. I thought it was just an innocent quirk until someone told me how strange it looked.)

However, my parents rejected me and psychologically abused me, which undoubtedly caused many of my personality problems. Although I was well behaved and an “A” student (but painfully shy, nervous, and anxious), my father hated me and told me so (he once threw a glass at me and bounced it off my head). My mother told me she wished she’d had a real boy instead of me, and when I displeased her, told me she’d send me away and I’d never see her again if I kept being “bad.” I never got any love or affection.

Until recently, I assumed all the problems were caused by abuse because I didn’t know much about autism, which I thought usually required institutionalizing. I never knew why my parents rejected me, but having learned much about the autism spectrum in the last few months, I realize it could very well be because I have some form of autism, which they considered a choice on my part and “bad.”

My questions are: Can abuse cause the same behavior as autism? If so, can masking hide the problems? With intense masking, I’ve managed to lead a relatively successful life, but don’t know how bad my autism might have been, since my parents forced me under severe penalties to act normally ever since I was in the playpen—can masking hide even severe autism? Are my problems caused by Asperger’s, abuse, or some combination? (For more background, see my post, “Aspies Rejected by Parents” in the “Friends, Family & Social Skills” discussion group.)

 

[Rodafina]

My parents really tried to accept me and I am grateful for that, but what I got from them was confusion and frustration. I internalized the disappointment and the shame and it became a huge part of my personality. People tried to protect me from my own weirdness, but all the messages toward me were still telling me that I should just stay in my quiet space in the darkness because there was no place for me in the world. Once I could feign some sort of functionality (figured out masking) I played the role well enough that everyone just ignored me.

I recognize that I am very lucky for having parents who tried their best, but even in these circumstances, growing up autistic and not knowing about it allows rejection to seep out of people’s words and faces even when they don’t mean to.

To also have parents who are actively abusive or outwardly rejecting means one’s battle through life will be that much harder. It is not right for parents to treat their children the way you were treated. I’m glad you found us and you can share your experiences here and hear about others’ at last. Whether your neurological development was typical or divergent, your parents made figuring yourself out so much harder and more confusing.

For me, masking is like armor. It is our battle gear to face the world and fend off the foe of normalcy. People here have reminded me that we actually most likely wear multiple masks – a dynamic armor that can protect from all different sorts of situations and keep us pushing one foot in front of the other through life. Nevertheless, I have enjoyed being maskless for longer and longer periods of each day.

 

[330]

PTSD symptoms from abuse or being a soldier can be very similar to Autism . Because with Autism we have emotional processing issues . An Nt will have many steps and variations to regulate emotions properly . That is where a psychologist who is experienced with Adult diagnosis of Autism will be able to see the difference and have lots of tests to confirm . I hope this helps .

 

[Neonatal RRT]

My questions are: Can abuse cause the same behavior as autism? If so, can masking hide the problems? With intense masking, I’ve managed to lead a relatively successful life, but don’t know how bad my autism might have been, since my parents forced me under severe penalties to act normally ever since I was in the playpen—can masking hide even severe autism? Are my problems caused by Asperger’s, abuse, or some combination? (For more background, see my post, “Aspies Rejected by Parents” in the “Friends, Family & Social Skills” discussion group.)

1. No, not quite. Similar. Good question though. It can exacerbate autistic behaviors.
2. Sometimes.
3. Sometimes. My parents were the same way. I had "behavior issues" that were usually dealt with by spankings with the leather belt or razor strap. Pre 1980s and 1990s, parents and clinicians were unaware of "high functioning" autism and Asperger's.
4. Likely a combination.

 

[buchman]

My parents really tried to accept me and I am grateful for that, but what I got from them was confusion and frustration. I internalized the disappointment and the shame and it became a huge part of my personality. People tried to protect me from my own weirdness, but all the messages toward me were still telling me that I should just stay in my quiet space in the darkness because there was no place for me in the world. Once I could feign some sort of functionality (figured out masking) I played the role well enough that everyone just ignored me.

I recognize that I am very lucky for having parents who tried their best, but even in these circumstances, growing up autistic and not knowing about it allows rejection to seep out of people’s words and faces even when they don’t mean to.

To also have parents who are actively abusive or outwardly rejecting means one’s battle through life will be that much harder. It is not right for parents to treat their children the way you were treated. I’m glad you found us and you can share your experiences here and hear about others’ at last. Whether your neurological development was typical or divergent, your parents made figuring yourself out so much harder and more confusing.

For me, masking is like armor. It is our battle gear to face the world and fend off the foe of normalcy. People here have reminded me that we actually most likely wear multiple masks – a dynamic armor that can protect from all different sorts of situations and keep us pushing one foot in front of the other through life. Nevertheless, I have enjoyed being maskless for longer and longer periods of each day.

Thanks! It's wonderful to learn from others, and not just from books, that there are others like me and that I'm not a uniquely worthless, despicable creature, as I believed when I was a kid.

 

[Aspychata]

@Neonatal RRT - I too was disciplined with a leather clothes brush cleaner. He actually tried to do this when I was in HS. But l out tricked him so that he stop doing that. But then the perverse behavior started which was worse.

I had nobody taking an interest in my future, so l left for Europe. My parents moved and l only found out through my grandmother. I came back and decided to live with my grandmother. My parents just didn't accept me. I only contacted them at Christmas time. That was pretty much it. If l had been a male, l would have been more accepted as evidenced by how my step-brother was treated. I have worked on forgiveness. Is this abuse? Is it autistic behavior that they didn't like about me? I am still introverted. Some people get me, and l feel accepted in this lifetime.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Neonatal RRT - I too was disciplined with a leather clothes brush cleaner. He actually tried to do this when I was in HS. But l out tricked him so that he stop doing that. But then the perverse behavior started which was worse.

I had nobody taking an interest in my future, so l left for Europe. My parents moved and l only found out through my grandmother. I came back and decided to live with my grandmother. My parents just didn't accept me. I only contacted them at Christmas time. That was pretty much it. If l had been a male, l would have been more accepted as evidenced by how my step-brother was treated. I have worked on forgiveness. Is this abuse? Is it autistic behavior that they didn't like about me? I am still introverted. Some people get me, and l feel accepted in this lifetime.

We've discussed this topic before on other threads here, but basically, yes,...it's the autistic behavior. Our parents didn't know what it was, per se, they just knew we were "different" and interpreted it as "behavior issues" that they didn't quite know how to deal with. It's the same thing wherever we go,...that slight "standoffish" behavior,...they know something is off, but not quite sure what it is. Their amygdala gets "tickled" and they are not sure if they want to make any sort of commitment or effort to the relationship, so they put up the walls and remain an acquaintance and not a friend.

Abuse? Hard to say. Shades of gray. One person's discipline is another's abuse. I know some of us certainly were abused mentally and physically, no doubt. I just think in most cases back in the day, it may have fallen under the category of "ignorance" and not knowing what else to do but "discipline" the only way they knew how.

 

[buchman]

1. No, not quite. Similar. Good question though. It can exacerbate autistic behaviors.
2. Sometimes.
3. Sometimes. My parents were the same way. I had "behavior issues" that were usually dealt with by spankings with the leather belt or razor strap. Pre 1980s and 1990s, parents and clinicians were unaware of "high functioning" autism and Asperger's.
4. Likely a combination.

Thanks for your help. Are you in a caring profession?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Thanks for your help. Are you in a caring profession?

Yes. Neonatal (premature babies) respiratory therapist (all things airways and breathing). Work at one of the largest children's hospitals in the US. I do charge, transport (air and ground), mostly intensive care units, and am an educator at the hospital (on my days off). I am also a respiratory care instructor at a university (on my days off). 35 years in the field.

 

[buchman]

Yes. Neonatal (premature babies) respiratory therapist (all things airways and breathing). Work at one of the largest children's hospitals in the US. I do charge, transport (air and ground), mostly intensive care units, and am an educator at the hospital (on my days off). I am also a respiratory care instructor at a university (on my days off). 35 years in the field.

Thanks. Good to know that, as a doctor, you've undoubtedly researched this and know what you're talking about! (I know about neonatal units. Our grandson was in one for weeks. Preemie, severe brain bleed, told he'd probably never walk. Probably--not positively. In fact, he has very mild cerebral palsy affecting only his right side, walks normally, and plays sports. Thank God for neonatal doctors and nurses!)

 

[Kayla55]

Go look at a mechanical device ND figure out how it works....even aspire girls see the logic. Also some red flags such eye contact and specific traits are indication. I have article further up thread about a book I want to write about effects of abuse autistic children. Yes, kids from orphanages show similar signs but it's maternal deprivation or RAD reactive attachment disorder. I've being examining certain psychology concepts to determine what therapy is similar for neurotypicals and autistic. My findings are that autistic people do develop attachment disorders, mine was avoidant....either cause I'm autistic shy made my ability to see to my own needs emotional and physical difficult.
Effect of abuse on disabled people is accepted as stunting developmental milestones. One may also develop other disorders bipolar or schitso so the overlap can be confusing.
Many people say autistic kids don't want hugs or seem independent, don't forget to let em know you love them and don't withhold affection(not necessarily physical touch) let know you care and are there.