Autism conundrum

[Voltaic]

Over the past four weeks, I have been coming out of a four year long depression and leaving a lot of what dragged me down into the depths behind me. This is good but it isn't a smooth road. During those four years, I wasn't lollygagging and (only) steeping myself in negative thoughts. During the times I wasn't at the bottom of my mood swings, I had levels of hope, and with that came thoughts. I thought about all the ways that I could fix my life. Battling depression, I was the only one that understood me, so I did my best when I could. Another part was my existentialism. Life was poop, and I argued against it, because it was never kind to me. I was good at it. What brought me out was a solution. A clear thought based off of all my arguments over the four years. This one thing, required me to change... a lot. Ditching so much of my negative personality brought me back to life but because it was so much of me; I barely know who I am.
About two or so years ago I was first hit with the "A" bomb. At first, I didn't think I was autistic but I went with it because a diagnosis; right or wrong, could help me in my future. I was only dignosed earlier with ADHD, and the stuff I went through was not normal, even for the 'un-normal,' I didn't have anyone I could relate to. Over time, I started to grow on it. Started to see things that connected me to the diagnosis, at that time and in my childhood. Now I am convinced without a doubt, but how much of an effect does it play on me? I look at this computer screen now, it hurts; even on the lowest setting. This wasn't a thing in the past. Along with a lot of other things that come with autism. I struggle now to find answers. Is this a placebo affect, or is this real? Am I being someone that I am not, or is this realywho I am?
I am aware that in the end, these answers don't matter... Maybe they do. I don't know. I have known myself so well because I was the only one that understood but now I barely know if I am 'me' anymore or just an act. These are scary times. In ways, a lot worse than sitting with an empty pill bottle in my hand. I know why I took them but now, I don't know why I do so much in my life. All I can do is to continue to learn, and be a better me.

 

[Nervous Rex]

All I can do is to continue to learn, and be a better me.

That is the best line to end on. Regardless of what you’ve been through, you have the right approach.

 

[StephF]

Sorry, TL; DR. Perhaps try punctuation and breaking your sentences down as all I saw was a wall of text.

 

[WereBear]

What an encouraging story!

Not everyone has the strength to rebuild.

 

[OkRad]

You are strong , indeed. In the end, labels don't matter. THink of all the people in the past that may have had labels today. We all have to live above them.

Reverse Placebo is good. Think that it's awesome! Think of all the good things with autism

 

[Bella Pines]

Is this a placebo affect, or is this real? Am I being someone that I am not, or is this really who I am?

Both, it is a placebo effect that you can make real if you choose to do so.

A diagnosis is a tool. That is all.

It is no more useful that your star sign. I am an aquarius, a sign that is independent. This helps to describe me, this does not define me. I will not go out and be deliberately independent because that is what I am supposed to be.

I have aspergers, a condition that comes with sensitivity. I have an aversion to napkins and very sensitive hearing. So as a result I wipe my hands on my skirt and wear headphones! But this helps with practical things and does not play on who I am.

I barely know if I am 'me' anymore or just an act.

Well so far you know that you have battled depression and are winning, you know that you are strong, you know that you are analytical. So now is your chance to go out into the world and figure out who else you are. It is all an act but what part will you choose to play?