ASPIES WHO HAD A HARD TIME ACCEPTING THEIR DIAGNOSIS

[Judge]

I developed a sense of serenity when I was diagnosed at the age of 63. It is impossible for me to say how I might have reacted if my aspie issues were identified earlier.

I think about that more often these days...but then in my case it was a gradual discovery. My curiosity just wouldn't let go of it...and it eventually brought me here. But yeah...had I known much earlier I don't know. Still though, I'd like to think the earlier you figure it all out the better. To have alternatives...strategies, scripts, etc. To deal with it objectively rather than treat as a mystery as I did until my mid 50s. And I still consider myself lucky to have stumbled onto it in the first place.

 

[On the Inside]

Hmm, maybe that is where the source of difficulty in accepting a diagnosis lies, having this dichotomy revealed, whether false or not, between Neurotypical and neurodiverse.

I'm going to go off on this tangent for a bit, but I promise I'll tie it all together in the end.

We go about life thinking we're all pretty much the same. Even those of us who have struggled with trying to fit in. Maybe more so in that case, in a delusional way. Differences such as where we were raised, how old we are, political persuasions, education, maybe class differences, are easier to discern and understand, and they are things that by and large can be altered in some way if one has a mind to.

Along comes some wiseguy telling you "No, you're different. You see, you perceive the world in a different way than most people" Well, I knew that, but I didn't think it was a problem really, but now I can see how it has been a problem. And these people in my life are telling me, "You couldn't see there was a problem?" And all along I was making up excuses, saying "I have my own definition of success", encouraging myself by saying I'm just a late bloomer, or I just haven't had the breaks that others have. Vacillating between trying harder, weakening into resentment, falling into self pity, and after a while bravely taking up where I left off. Telling myself I'm going to keep trying to fit this damn peg into this hole, because that's where it should go, everyone knows that.

And around it goes until you accept that yes, you do perceive the world differently, in ways that can't be changed, but can be worked around, if you want or need to. You part ways with the person you once thought you were, and try to accept and even embrace the person you are. You can finally stop cramming that peg into that hole.

I've just had a thought, that I didn't learn that I'm defective when I was diagnosed, I learned that my previous view of myself was defective and that seems to be a big relief.

 

[EdR]

I think about that more often these days...but then in my case it was a gradual discovery. My curiosity just wouldn't let go of it...and it eventually brought me here. But yeah...had I known much earlier I don't know. Still though, I'd like to think the earlier you figure it all out the better. To have alternatives...strategies, scripts, etc. To deal with it objectively rather than treat as a mystery as I did until my mid 50s. And I still consider myself lucky to have stumbled onto it in the first place.

I do have regrets that I was not diagnosed much earlier in life, but because I cannot alter the timeline, those regrets are occasional and fleeting.

Unsure if this is an aspie trait, but I just don't spend time building "if castles" in my mind.

 

[Judge]

I do have regrets that I was not diagnosed much earlier in life, but because I cannot alter the timeline, those regrets are occasional and fleeting.

Unsure if this is an aspie trait, but I just don't spend time building "if castles" in my mind.

I think about the past perpetually...relationships as well as single conversations- like the replaying of a "residual haunting" as I mentioned. But like you, I know that timeline is etched in stone, knowing that there's nothing I can do about the past. Only the present. But at my age such options are rather limited in comparison...something for younger folks to keep in mind.

 

[On the Inside]

I do have regrets that I was not diagnosed much earlier in life, but because I cannot alter the timeline, those regrets are occasional and fleeting.

Unsure if this is an aspie trait, but I just don't spend time building "if castles" in my mind.

I wonder if that is a function of age. I'm in my 40's, so I still have time to try some different things. Not to say that you don't. My stone is only half etched, maybe a little more than half. I regret much of what has been etched, though, and I have to work on not letting that interfere too much with the rest of my life. I can no longer be anything I want to be, as we were often told growing up. I feel now I can make better choices, knowing that I have certain traits, strengths and limitations.

 

[EdR]

I feel now I can make better choices, knowing that I have certain traits, strengths and limitations.

I agree entirely with the principal of making better choices since my awareness has been awakened. It seems to me that I have been making fewer mistakes, or at least minimizing the magnitude of the mistakes.

It is a bit of a mystery that I can exert some control in this area while the same efforts to improve/develop socialization skills have yet to bear any fruit. However, I don't quit too easily, so maybe more time and effort will generate some results. The hurdle that I find real hard is small talk and general conversation.

 

[Nitro]

I agree entirely with the principal of making better choices since my awareness has been awakened. It seems to me that I have been making fewer mistakes, or at least minimizing the magnitude of the mistakes.

It is a bit of a mystery that I can exert some control in this area while the same efforts to improve/develop socialization skills have yet to bear any fruit. However, I don't quit too easily, so maybe more time and effort will generate some results. The hurdle that I find real hard is small talk and general conversation.

I am an extroverted autie,I love attention and the limelight. There is nothing I would have done differently even if I had known what my neurological makeup was early on. I exploited gifts the spectrum gave me and became what I wanted to be. I surrounded myself with like-minded people who usually were in agreement or had knowledge to share,so socializing came easy.
I feel there are many hurdles that can be cleared if taken in small doses,and any gain in any area should be considered a win,no matter how insignificant they might seem.

My beginnings here were just another part of my study of the spectrum,my latest time here has been involved in observing humans and all their varied differences in and outside of the spectrum...on the same note,every human is a one-off in their own right,so define neurotypical for me please

 

[Tia Maria]

I can say I discovered the spectrum then started to put the pieces together for myself,so it was fascinating to say the least.

I though everybody was just like me

Why do I think there is NO ONE just like you?!?!

Ereth (who was banned),

Ereth was banned? I read a few of her posts & liked her input. From what I read (though I didn't read everything she wrote) she was intelligent, practical & pragmatic which I liked .... because it's usually a useful & helpful approach to life. (She is also a survivor of abuse, so a strong person.)

Judge, give me a name of a moderator and I will message them personally. I will ask them to delete my account. As you can see reporting me means nothing.

I don't want to be subject this NT division nonsense anymore. This site has some setting that that keeps these emails comming.

Chris, I didn't read everything in this discussion, so I'm not sure what happened here but I always enjoy & appreciate your commentary when I see it. If you need to turn off the email notifications (I did awhile ago because of the large volume, although I still get a game forum notice now & then) just re-set the notifications in your personal preferences/profile set up. That will stop the onslaught of emails but you can still keep your account open.

 

[Tia Maria]

Interesting, for a long time I thought everybody else was weird. After I started researching AS, I found out that I was the weird one.

I don't know how weird you are or not, but I am guessing you are still crazy after all these years. (Get it?! )

 

[Datura]

My casual observation is that those who find out in adulthood are usually more grateful for their diagnosis as it provides answers, whereas people who are diagnosed younger tend to struggle as this label is being forced upon them. Often youth are subject to all kind of interventions against their will, including being placed in special classes and schools. They also suffer the phenomena of having their identities stripped down to a mere diagnosis. This would be difficult for anyone, but especially somebody who's identity is still being formed.

It would seem that this forum is constituted mostly of adults who are either seeking a diagnosis or were diagnosed later in life. This is bound to skew the general consensus in a more positive direction. It may also be that those who are upset about their diagnosis are less likely to want to form a community around it.

 

[Nitro]

My casual observation is that those who find out in adulthood are usually more grateful for their diagnosis as it provides answers, whereas people who are diagnosed younger tend to struggle as this label is being forced upon them. Often youth are subject to all kind of interventions against their will, including being placed in special classes and schools. They also suffer the phenomena of having their identities stripped down to a mere diagnosis. This would be difficult for anyone, but especially somebody who's identity is still being formed.

It would seem that this forum is constituted mostly of adults who are either seeking a diagnosis or were diagnosed later in life. This is bound to skew the general consensus in a more positive direction. It may also be that those who are upset about their diagnosis are less likely to want to form a community around it.

This thread is but a mere small cross section of spectrumites. Those of us that found out later in life find relief in finally having an answer to what was different about us. Many on this site are uncomfortable with autism and are looking for answers to why they struggle,the younger having little control over how it is approached and attempted to be "treated". The autism spectrum was not a diagnosis that was used a lot in the past as very little was understood about it at the time.
I think that those of us that found out late and reported like myself really didn't struggle with being defined by a diagnosis as all the parts of the script of life fell into alignment with what was actually behind what was the cause of where they had issues. At the risk of seeming harsh and uncaring,I feel the cross section of the younger here are the people who are struggling and not comfortable with where their life is headed and seeking answers for right now as to why. The next cold hard truth is that many of the dreaded NT population have their own set of struggles to deal with. To blame the NT for making the autie world difficult is yet another flaw from our side of the fence. We are the minority here,and I don't actually believe that the NT population wakes in the morning and begins a witch hunt focused on making the the ASD world difficult. I see lots of denial that is expressed here and begin to wonder if many here were diagnosed with aspieness as a catchall for even deeper psychological issues and their comorbids. I have had a great amount of exposure to neuropsychs as a result of actually breaking my brain with an acquired traumatic frontal lobe brain injury. Most of those who looked at me fell short of determining that I was in fact autie while focusing on the first problem they were presented with instead of an overall picture of what I really was in total on a tally sheet. Did the ones that struggle get shortchanged as well?
I believe that there are those of us who are older here that should be able to offer advice to those who are struggling by sharing knowledge gained from experience and not just what was written as an aspie handbook offered by so many who view the spectrum from an interpretation of it without an actual experience of it. If the task at hand for me was to gather what information was necessary to dig a ditch on the planet Mars by NASA,I would not consult with a rocket scientist about how it should be dug,but instead,would consult a man who actually had a shovel in his hand in a ditch.

This rant is over for now,but could be continued if it warrants further discussion both here or in private

 

[Berianireth]

I found it was a way of minimizing the credibility of my interpretations of the world when I was about six or seven and regarded the diagnosis as utter crap for years.

 

[On the Inside]

At the risk of seeming harsh and uncaring,I feel the cross section of the younger here are the people who are struggling and not comfortable with where their life is headed and seeking answers for right now as to why.

I see lots of denial that is expressed here and begin to wonder if many here were diagnosed with aspieness as a catchall for even deeper psychological issues and their comorbids.

I believe that there are those of us who are older here that should be able to offer advice to those who are struggling by sharing knowledge gained from experience and not just what was written as an aspie handbook offered by so many who view the spectrum from an interpretation of it without an actual experience of it.

I picked out the gems I found in your rant, and agree mightily with what you say. I came here to get information and support with my problems. I found that and more, way more than any book that I've read, whether written by an expert or an Aspie.

One of the things I appreciate is the opportunity to discuss with others our own unique experiences, and finding those experiences we share, so we can help each other as best we can.

The issue of deeper psychological issues and co-morbids is one that concerns me, and is another area where I have trouble with my own diagnosis. I've lived long enough and experienced enough to know that I've developed some issues that are not related to Autism. They may have been brought on by Autism, or exacerbated by it, I can't tell. I've worked hard with a couple of therapists to understand and recognize that. I always try to acknowledge where, in the times of trouble, it is Aspergers, my impulsiveness or anxiety that's ruling the roost, and always questioning whether there might be something else all together at work.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Following along the thread here...

I was ambushed by an authoritative answer to my hesitant question about the possibility of being aspie. This site and my personal writings have been the exclusive support I've had while I've come to terms with it. I've said it before and it merits being said again: I am grateful every day this site exists.

I never believed the "NT world" gets up in the morning with the intent to make life miserable. But that statement misses the point. Lack of intent does not mean lack of damage.

If you watch social interactions, the people who don't belong are marginalized. If I were to rewrite some of the words about "we're the minority" using any other minority group, especially those that can be distinguished on sight, some of these posts would read quite differently. If I were to reread some of the history about how minorities become recognized as people, a lot of the claims of "NT bashing" actually becomes an education in how much it hurts aspies to "fake it until we make it" when we are never going to make it.

An aspie personal history is likely a history of cutting ourselves in a desperate attempt to fit in and not be marginalized, let alone bullied, to say nothing about being attacked and killed, often by family members. See that Loud Hands introduction again where this is explicitly documented with names, ages, dates, and killers by name and relationship.

Some of the worst pain was finding out how close I personally came to being a name in the Loud Hands introduction...in the "all others" endnote. That's not about the diagnosis. That's about finding out that nothing I did was ever going to succeed as long as the attitude persisted that being who I was and am is my fault alone. And yet, a person is a person through other people. This was the concept that opposed apartheid. I have problems with it. But I find that I can't really argue against it.

What emerges for me is my belief that none of us, wherever we are on the spectrum, like knowing that we hurt people without meaning to. And I don't think any of us enjoys hurting someone even if that's what it takes to make them stop hurting someone else.

Imagine what it feels like to be social, to care about others and find oneself in relationship with others, to be something called "allistic," and to come hear and learn, in the only place you're ever likely to learn, just how much people like you do hurt people and you had no idea, ever. You just thought the people you didn't like were arrogant, insolent, rude, selfish, etc., etc. and it was safe to marginalize them because "almost everyone" also thought they were odd, difficult, etc.

Now imagine what it's like to find a kind of acceptance, a sociability, on your own terms, for the first time. To actually have more than one person that you like to talk to. I find that here, and I hope others do. It's what makes it safe to attempt to re-engage with people not like me. The support base is deep enough.

The impersonality of aspie behaviors keeps getting lost in the conversation. NTs are not impersonal in this way. Therein lies the problem, as I see it.

If my friendliness has to look like your friendliness, if we can't find a way to reciprocate without having to be the same, the bridge will never get built. Seems to me as if this is the only place I've ever been where the ratio NT-to-Aspie reverses the ratio in the outside world.

That makes this a very educational experience for the NT. If they are willing to be educated. It's already a very educational experience for the aspie.

The word "education" comes from a root that means "to come out of." Visiting this site is an education for anyone of any brain wiring. What you get out of it is like what you put into it. Checking in aggression, presumption, presupposition (that's a really bad one, because it's usually innocent), you may get an education from a people you already know to be sensitive.

Sensitive does not mean weak or powerless. As we know. And merely articulating a point of view is not bashing. It's when the knife-words come out that we have to start paying attention. This week's winners--"some people" followed up by the perennially popular "you"--are flags that things are starting to get personal, and that a thread is starting to be unsafe.

EDIT: Add to that roll call the behavior of naming names and drawing others into it.

I will state flat out I didn't feel safe posting here yesterday, and if I hadn't seen such commitment by the group to maintaining civility and boundaries, I wouldn't have felt safe posting this either.

Props to Tia Maria, who hung in there, and actually answered Christopher's question, and to all those who honored the deep discussion. I feel humbled in such company.

--A4H

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

One follow-up re: Asperger's as a catch-all for other conditions.

Asperger's is about hardware. Behaviors, where most of these comorbids are, is software. Structure influences performance. I find it easier to believe that anxiety is caused by Asperger's, and hard to believe that Asperger's is caused by anxiety. Both Asperger Syndrome and Anxiety and Asperger's Syndrome in Adulthood: A Comprehensive Guide for Clinicians support the view that the wiring exists before the behavior does.

As do the death dates in Loud Hands.

 

[AsheSkyler]

My issue was being told I'd never marry, never have kids, I'd be virtually crippled, and my family would grow to hate me and abandon me because I was a monster. Despite the fact at the time I had, guess what, wed and bred and was supporting my little family, and I'm still married with a kid and supporting them. I think I had more issues with how misinformed, absolute, and narrow-minded a lot of the material was that was ironically complaining about how black and white, narrow-minded autistic people were. And then I found a blog by an Aspie who was a rational human being, and I calmed down. My OCD was tickled pink with a new way to categorize myself! Yes, we got issues. Everybody does. A little respect and courtesy fixes most of 'em. If people can make ramps, braille items, and visual cues, how much harder can it be to not touch an Aspie?

 

[clg114]

I think that most of us who were diagnosed as adults have had little trouble accepting a diagnosis. Most of us have been looking for answers most of our lives, and finally got one that helps us navigate the world around us a little better.

I will admit to a brief time, about a week or so after I received the results of my assessment, when I read and re-read the 10 page document, alternately thinking "that's me" and "no, that can't be me". Eventually I accepted that yep, that's me.

Maybe this isn't funny, but I think we'd need to hear from the elusive "wife diagnosed" guys out there, who refuse to acknowledge that there is something wrong with them.

Well I'm not a "wife diagnosed" Aspie, but my wife says she always knew that I was different. When we got the diagnosis, she said "So, you really are crazy"!

 

[On the Inside]

Well I'm not a "wife diagnosed" Aspie, but my wife says she always knew that I was different. When we got the diagnosis, she said "So, you really are crazy"!

I put that line in there because I teetered on the cusp of being one of those kind of guys, but I knew that I had problems and really wanted to get to work on them, for my sake and for those around me.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

For me it was easyish, but it just so happened to come from my dad who really suggested I talk to my mum who'd made her own diagnosis based on her courses she'd been doing and her experience with her kids at her pre-school. I am yet to undergo an official diagnosis, but the fact that they're willing to do this (as it's a very small service offering this) suggests that I've been deemed worthy of this assessment.

The things to remember is that it's not a 'label', it's an answer, an answer to the;

"why cant I....."
"why don't people understand me"

Its an answer to all those previously unanswered questions in your life and the reality is the diagnosis only furthers your likelihood of getting help and support, but nothing in your life has actually changed, you're still the same person and you need to remember that aspergers doesn't define you, it simply explains how and or why you do something the way you do, but not necessarily what you do nor who you are. And if in doubt, just watch this Danish ladies video series, she's certainly not short of opinions and proves that aspie girls can look and sound as ordinary as an NT.

 

[SameStars]

During the diagnosing process, I thought it neatly fit. I suddenly wasn't convinced anymore when the diagnosis was official, and couldn't help but think what if she's wrong and maybe it's all in my head. So I basically put it out of my mind for a while, and slowly started asking my family and friends to repeat their arguments and aspie-like stories about me. I've since then accepted it.