ASPIES WHO HAD A HARD TIME ACCEPTING THEIR DIAGNOSIS

[Elemental]

I actually used to forget that I was AS for years after my assessment. Despite continuing to make devastatingly bad choices with generally negative outcomes, I never saw a link between what my Mum termed my "outlandish behavior" & my autism diagnosis. It's only the last couple of years, since I started actively researching AS that I cut myself some slack & began accommodating my AS better. Life for me is about as good as it has ever been & I'm glad & grateful for that

 

[tachyon]

During the diagnosing process, I thought it neatly fit. I suddenly wasn't convinced anymore when the diagnosis was official, and couldn't help but think what if she's wrong and maybe it's all in my head. So I basically put it out of my mind for a while, and slowly started asking my family and friends to repeat their arguments and aspie-like stories about me. I've since then accepted it.

My experience was similar.
Before diagnosis and having done on-line tests, I was reasonably sure that the fit was good, but afterwards I had a few doubting (in denial?) episodes, thinking "no, there's been a mistake". Eventually I assimilated it

I think much of the difficulty with accepting diagnosis was twofold -

• A recognition that there is no cure, and that even though I always new I was not normal, I desperately wanted to be accepted as normal, but now had to abandon that hope. Nothing yet has replaced that hope, but I've always been confident of being able to handle what the future holds.
  
• I now wonder if the context in which my life has been lived so far is in-fact the same context I thought it was. Have I been just somebody presenting an interface to the world, attempting to gain approval/acceptance from others? Does anybody actually know me? Does it matter?

Even though I've accepted it, I'm now left with some sadness derived from many past events that also cannot be 'cured'. We don't get to alter the past or our neurological wiring.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Grumpy Cat here. I'm NT so I can't contribute to this thread, but I would like to hear from Aspies who after diagnosis, had a hard time accepting that they had Asperger's and what you did in order to reach the acceptance phase of being an Aspie.

I found out about my (probably) being an aspie from my mom, who texted me that she thought i had it because one of my little sister's then-cheerleading team members had it. She'd talked with the girl's mom at practices and games and thought the mother's description of her daughter fit me to a 't' so she brought it up with me over text message while i was at my full time babysitting job watching a baby boy.

Although i did agree with her enough to be curious enough to spend the rest of that week researching aspergers, i had conflicted feelings about it initially. I had always associated the term autism with the lower functioning end of the spectrum growing up because i simply didn't know there was a spectrum let alone a higher functioning end of the spectrum. To me at the time, even though rationally i knew from what mom said it wasn't true, i felt like being told i probably am am aspie meant that i was suddenly mentally retarded or innately stupid or some **** like that. Not to sound insulting, that's just how i felt. I felt like even though it sounded plausible - plausible enough to research in my free time - i felt like it simultaneously degraded and insulted me somehow.

It took all that research, and my coming on here, to get over that. Coming on here and doing lots of research on google showed me just how all encompassing aspergers is and just how well it explains pretty much everything about me. Seeing that and hearing everyone's experiences on here helped me to come to terms with it properly and fully accept it as not only a positive thing, but as a very helpful thing. For once everything made sense, for once it wasn't all my fault. I've never felt good enough, felt like i just never tried hard enough even when i knew i was, and that helped explain and validate that.

 

[Progster]

I had no trouble accepting that I have AS. The thing that struck home was how many habits or behaviours I have that I don't notice I'm doing, or I don't thinK that they are a problem, but which other people notice. After my diagnosis, my mum told me that I have a habit of walking behind her and following her around like a puppy without talking when we go out shopping together, and that this made her feel that I wasn't really with her. I had no idea that I was even doing it, or that she felt like this. It really was a revelation, and it shocked me how many things I do which others notice that I'm not aware of.

Another thing: when I went to the diagnostic assessment, I was sure that if I had AS, I was a mild case. Initially, that was the also the opinion of the psychiatrist, but when his report came back, it said "Moderate long term Asperger's Disorder". That surprised me, and I said to my mum, "I'm sure I'm a mild case, I really don't think I'm moderate... why does it say moderate? How did he decide that? And why does it say 'long term? Is there such a thing as short term Asperger's???" and my mum said "there's nothing mild about you!" And I thought: wow, does it really show that much?

What it comes down to is that I really haven't a clue how I come across to others!

 

[Balkan1996]

Probably everyone were a bit sceptical at some point.

I mean, here you have a person who told you that you are 1 out of 1000 and you're supposed to take his opinion? You would be nuts if you didn't question that!

 

[wyverary]

I had always associated the term autism with the lower functioning end of the spectrum growing up because i simply didn't know there was a spectrum let alone a higher functioning end of the spectrum. To me at the time, even though rationally i knew from what mom said it wasn't true, i felt like being told i probably am am aspie meant that i was suddenly mentally retarded or innately stupid or some **** like that. Not to sound insulting, that's just how i felt. I felt like even though it sounded plausible - plausible enough to research in my free time - i felt like it simultaneously degraded and insulted me somehow.

It took all that research, and my coming on here, to get over that. Coming on here and doing lots of research on google showed me just how all encompassing aspergers is and just how well it explains pretty much everything about me. Seeing that and hearing everyone's experiences on here helped me to come to terms with it properly and fully accept it as not only a positive thing, but as a very helpful thing. For once everything made sense, for once it wasn't all my fault. I've never felt good enough, felt like i just never tried hard enough even when i knew i was, and that helped explain and validate that.

I had a very similar knee-jerk reaction, when it was explained to me that I had a form of autism which, like you, I only had ever imagined as the "classic," "low-functioning" end of the spectrum. It just didn't compute at the time. In a way I flat-out rejected it for a very long time until, many years later, the issue resurfaced as the attending psychiatrist at one of my habitual vacation destinations--the psych ward at a certain hospial--went over my medical records, brought it up, and referred me to a therapist who specializes in autism. Even then, it took a couple of years to sort out. When I was a teen, I took it as an insult being told I was socially deficient; only much later did I realize I had to accept that and work on myself if I wanted to get the best out of life. I joined this site three years ago after a friend suggested I try looking for an online forum (a terrifying concept!) and haven't looked back.

 

[Judge]

Me too. It wasn't instantaneous for me to process what the DSM-V did in transitioning Aspergers Syndrome to ASD. But I worked it out...to understand the logic, although I still think the science needs to improve and find a way to get away from nebulous and subjective analysis.

I have come to accept being on a spectrum of autism. It doesn't bother me to say it.

 

[Peeta]

I actively sought out my diagnosis.... I had read up a lot about it and felt this was me. I would have probably waited with diagnosing myself if it wasn't for my internship. I had a horrible internship guidance person who made my life a hell and she was about to flunk me after she had pretty much tore me down for stuff she did. I got my diagnosis, showed her my paper and suddenly she was as sweet as a kitten to me. Felt so sorry that I had to 'live with Aspergers' and gave me a passing grade.

Yup, I totally used my condition and if I had to go back in time I'd do it all over again. Personally I don't particularly care about my diagnosis. It gives me insight on who I am, how I am and where my issues stem from, but it doesn't define me. If I don't accept my diagnosis, I don't accept who I am.

 

[gemma]

I know the feeling mutual im one refuses to accept my diagnosis it angers me I got to put up with this for the rest my life

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Yeah, I have a pretty hard time accepting it as fact. It's just so complex and pervasive and I don't feel like I meet a lot of it but I think if I dig deep there are connections there. It's just the social dysfunction side I have trouble grasping, I don't think I'm all to bad at it.

 

[Hurting89]

Yes, I had a very hard time accepting it. I can not even begin to tell you how much I tried to "reject it" especially in my late teens I worked so hard to pass.

 

[gemma]

im really pleased I found this site making feel bit more understood I struggle enough as it is trying to make friends I been treated like rubbish through people who don't understand