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Aspies and casual sex

Primrose

Primrose

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm wondering how other Aspies feel about casual sex? I've only ever had sex in a committed relationship. I recently became single and getting into a new relationship doesn't seem likely to happen in the near future.

So, I'm wondering if I should look for someone to have sex with - I don't even know where to look for that. Or wait for a good man to have a relationship with.

Any thoughts appreciated?
 
What's your idea of casual sex? I mean, I don't think that's too hard to get, but it depends what kind of quality or aspects you are wanting. No guarantee that the other person would be any good at it, I guess, or whether the sex would be worth putting up with them as a person to get. It looks glamorous in media portrayals, but good sex often depends on intimacy, and/ or being able to be confident and assertive with the situation. How are you seeing this?
 
In the last 2 years of my relationship we didn't really get sexual because of his drinking and health problems. All he wanted to do was drink. I've almost forgotten what sex feels like - especially with a sober person.

I've 36 and it feels like life is passing me by. Staying with my parents and it's hard. I think they are both depressed.

I guess I'd just like company, affection, someone to go places with. Not necessarily sexual. Maybe I should just try to find a female friend around here.
 
Plus you have to keep emotions seperate from the act itself. Because that can be irritating if the other person really doesn't want more. I also feel society judges woman for this,it's perfectly okay for men to want this. But females are judged for this.
 
I had a phase with lots of casual sex, mostly in my 20's. I liked it at the time. It was easy for me to separate my emotions from the physical part, and I usually enjoyed the physical part a lot. It was great for my ego too, to find out that there were a lot of people that desired me.

Growing older I find I don't really care for it anymore. Mostly because my libido is pretty low, and I just don't feel a lot of desire for sex. I prefer emotional intimacy these days. Still, I look back fondly at the casual years, so to speak.
 
In my world this dynamic never changed.

Friendship --> Attraction --> Relationship -->Lots of Sex.

Being on the spectrum kind of made it a foregone conclusion that connecting with people on any level was more likely to be difficult than easy. Plus the notion of "dating" was never really an option for me. Too contrived and ritualistic for me. I just made friends with women in my social orbit, and in some cases that friendship blossomed into something more.

No, it never had anything to do with ethics or religious values of any kind. Though becoming sexually active in the 70s transitioned into something far more ominous in the 80s. Especially given that I spent a decade working in San Francisco, and seeing some of my coworkers slowly die. Gave me reason to be picky about who I chose to associate with on more intimate terms.

Though I must admit, I always looked back fondly at women who made the first overtly sexual move. :cool:
 
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What surprised me is that the over 50 group has a huge number of STD cases, thanks to Viagra. So this makes you re-evaluate casual sex. But the pressure of a guy trying to force marriage on me is something l don't want at my age, so l really don't like serious relationships.
 
@Primrose

I would suggest to continue your thinking about what you are really looking for - are you lonely? seeking emotional attachment? are you feeling randy?

Casual sex can be great, easy all the things people say - but it can also make you feel awful if done for the wrong reasons or with the wrong people. It can also be unsafe, for so many reasons that can happen quite quickly.

If its companionship you want, why not join a group - doing anything you enjoy - walking, painting, visiting a museum. I know it might not be easy, but someone there might surprise you with the connection you make with them :)
 
Barymore said:
@Primrose

I would suggest to continue your thinking about what you are really looking for - are you lonely? seeking emotional attachment? are you feeling randy?

Casual sex can be great, easy all the things people say - but it can also make you feel awful if done for the wrong reasons or with the wrong people. It can also be unsafe, for so many reasons that can happen quite quickly.

If its companionship you want, why not join a group - doing anything you enjoy - walking, painting, visiting a museum. I know it might not be easy, but someone there might surprise you with the connection you make with them :)
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But comanionship and casual sex are two different things.
 
@Aspychata yes, they are different but primrose mentioned in their second post that perhaps what they are missing more is company and affection, not necessarily sexual. Thats why I wrote what I did.
 
There's the rub, for me. And, it is the source of the current problems with sexuality as I age. I was socially retarded, but academically successful so that people thought that I was normal. So, feeling isolated from the age of 14 to 27, I also had paralyzing social anxiety, and while I had normal sexual desires there was no way for me to meet them. Even if a girl/woman seemed to be interested in me I was unable to see it. And, I as yet still cannot understand others. Some women have told me that they used to go to clubs to pick up men to (family blog) because all they desired was attention, and I cannot believe them (I was on the verge of extreme physical violence towards them as if they were mocking me.) Now I am bitter about my missed opportunities and have behaved cruely to people I know had an easier time sexually at that age. I am still unpacking my negative thoughts and the distorted thinking that leads to poor emotions and hope to resolve this someday. So, all I have to say is to enjoy casual sex when you can as a gift.
 
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Barymore said:
@Primrose

I would suggest to continue your thinking about what you are really looking for - are you lonely? seeking emotional attachment? are you feeling randy?

Casual sex can be great, easy all the things people say - but it can also make you feel awful if done for the wrong reasons or with the wrong people. It can also be unsafe, for so many reasons that can happen quite quickly.

If its companionship you want, why not join a group - doing anything you enjoy - walking, painting, visiting a museum. I know it might not be easy, but someone there might surprise you with the connection you make with them :)
Click to expand...

Yes, I think I'm just feeling lonely. Casual sex probably wouldn't help me much. I think joining a group is a very good idea.
 
Casual sex means that there is no pressure for a serious relationship because seriousness can take the fun out of things.
 
Casual sex.........It's not happening.......it did when I masked, I felt dirty, used.

The want for sex gets on my wick end, I try to be as concise as possible, some people lead me to believe they understood but most want sex.

Disappointing, I have more to offer than a shag or anything sexual, it's shallow physical sense pleasure, I want a deep meaningful relationship, ok I might look a bit vulnerable and damaged, but that doesn't mean I am up for sexual relations.

I suspect I might have repressed sexual abuse, but I can't remember, all I have is the effects, things going wrong in the bedroom, emotions I shouldn't be having for normal sexuality love making. Tension in muscles etc. Cringing even if person is sexually attractive.

Being damaged in childhood does not mean we are up for cheap sex.
I'm better than that.
 
Primrose said:
I'm wondering how other Aspies feel about casual sex? I've only ever had sex in a committed relationship. I recently became single and getting into a new relationship doesn't seem likely to happen in the near future.

So, I'm wondering if I should look for someone to have sex with - I don't even know where to look for that. Or wait for a good man to have a relationship with.

Any thoughts appreciated?
Click to expand...
You're better than dirty meaningless physical sense pleasure.
People who have casual sex can't afford drug dealers, casual sex and recreational drugs are cheap thrills. I have done both so I know.
 
Primrose said:
I'm wondering how other Aspies feel about casual sex? I've only ever had sex in a committed relationship. I recently became single and getting into a new relationship doesn't seem likely to happen in the near future.

So, I'm wondering if I should look for someone to have sex with - I don't even know where to look for that. Or wait for a good man to have a relationship with.

Any thoughts appreciated?
Click to expand...
I'm all in favor of casual sex as long as you can keep from getting emotionally attached. Attachment needs to take more time than a one-night stand. Proper precautions must be taken. Someone who rarely has love or sex is prone to get attached almost instantly and cling. You feel like you are grabbing onto a lifesaver and they feel like they found a tick. Been there, done that.

Love and sex are like peanut butter and chocolate. They go together very well but there is nothing wrong with enjoying them separately. Love, like peanut butter, can get sticky and tough to swallow in large amounts but can also fill you up for the long term. Sex is much like chocolate. It is a great taste and a quick anti-depressant but not a good bet for a long-term diet because it lacks nutrition. Some chocolates contain surprise fillings that you may or may not like.

There also sex that doesn't involve intercourse. That's fun too.
 
Aspychata said:
Casual sex means that there is no pressure for a serious relationship because seriousness can take the fun out of things.
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There’s that, but casual sex actually means being promiscuous. It means going from having sex from one person to the next person maybe on the same day or they’ll find someone else the next day and so on. It’s someone who has a lot of sexual partners with anyone and can even try to get away with seducing authority figures.
 
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Kirsty said:
There’s that, but casual sex actually means being promiscuous. It means going from having sex from one person to the next person maybe on the same day or they’ll find someone else the next day and so on. It’s someone who has a lot of sexual partners with anyone and can even try to get away with seducing authority figures.
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I disagree. Casual sex just means no commitments. It does not have anything to do with frequency. It is based on lust and not romantic love.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-it/201512/3-kinds-casual-sex-explained
 
Kirsty said:
There’s that, but casual sex actually means being promiscuous. It means going from having sex from one person to the next person maybe on the same day or they’ll find someone else the next day and so on. It’s someone who has a lot of sexual partners with anyone and can even try to get away with seducing authority figures.
Click to expand...

We may disagree here. Promiscuous means many partners. You can have casual sex with just one individual, maybe neither of you are looking for marriage or 24/7 in your face relationship. These are usually classifed as affairs. I think you are thinking of casual encounters- thats the same as promiscuous, maybe that's the confusion for you.
 
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Basically, there is no inherent conflict between having intermittent sex with whoever turns you on and waiting for a good man to have a relationship with. You're waiting for the man but not waiting for the sex. Sounds reasonable.

I think that is the standard model for young people today. There's a lot of serial monogamy too. That's called dating.
 
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