Aspies and Aloofness

[Warmheart]

Diagnostic testing last week had me looking at faces and saying if I liked the faces. I responded that I did not like almost all of them. "I don't like it.... I don't like it.... I don't like it..." as the tester flipped through the photographs of faces. I basically disliked all of the faces. (I felt intimidated/fearful/distrustful of them, like I just *knew* I'd screw up in communicating if I met them)

As a baby, my Mom got me a doll. I remember feeling that I would not understand what the person (doll) wanted from me, and that she (doll) would inevitably reject me. ( I sensed my trouble relating with people even as a baby) I played with toy animals only.

I just noticed recently that it has taken me four months to start to even come around to some people I see regularly. Only now (after four months!) can I be aware of them as people, and not just blurry, indistinct columns I must exchange information with.

Doesn't this make me seem uncharitable, and terribly aloof? I feel I have a kind heart deep down, and that I want people to feel well, feel appreciated. But, it takes me a long, long time to be aware of people, as people. Is this fear? Trust issues? I know I feel totally out of my depth relating to people. Is this just an ASD thing?

I have a kind heart. It's just.... stuck deep inside me. Know?

 

[On the Inside]

I remember feeling that I would not understand what the person (doll) wanted from me, and that she would inevitably reject me. ( I sensed my trouble relating with people even as a baby)

This is something that I feel to this day, that I have to figure out what a person wants from me, what role do I play in their life in order to feel accepted. That acceptance can be taken away if I fail to play the role, or provide that which the person wants from me.

Because of this, I relate to people mostly with humor, I can usually get people to laugh if I share one of my quirky observations and it gets a bit of an exchange going. Not a real conversation, just an exchange. That's usually enough interaction for me, but what you seem to be saying is that most people expect more, and we don't quite provide it, thus we come across as aloof, uncaring. I don't have the same issue of people being "blurry, indistinct columns I must exchange information with" (love that phrasing),but there are a lot of people that I see every day, and work alongside whom I've barely spoken to in 10 years.

 

[Ylva]

Diagnostic testing last week had me looking at faces and saying if I liked the faces. I responded that I did not like almost all of them. …I basically disliked all of the faces.

I half expected that paragraph to end in you saying you felt indifferent about the faces, because "do you like?" is usually treated as binary by NTs, and doesn't allow for "I neither like nor dislike that".

I felt intimidated/fearful/distrustful of them, like I just *knew* I'd screw up in communicating if I met them

That's a different angle. I used to think it was other people screwing up interactions, but these past few years I've been splitting the responsibility about equally, depending on who initiated it.

 

[Suzanne]

Your heart is certainly NOT stuck deep inside of you. It simply oozes out on here.

I tend to do the opposite. Think the person is lovely and then feel disillusioned. But equally, I can not like someone to begin with and find they are really nice.

I get with me, some like me immediately and then, don't.

To be honest, don't think it is particularly an aspie trait, for I know a lot of nts are like this. One nt said it takes her a while to get used to a person.

I don't even know what you look like, but I really like you, because your heart shines through your words.

 

[watersprite]

Yep.
Warmheart I am similar, but am not sweet, as good as you come across as - I guess I haven't figured it out all the way.I know I am vulnerable, prone to trouble and errors when I step out away from the aloofness. (?) I seem to have panels, or screens around me. If you know what shoji screens are - sort of like that. There are some types of people who absolutely cause a fear reaction for me, and it is uncomfortable, because then the screen isn't there anymore. For me, the diagnostic testing took hours and was very stressful partly due to the person who administered the tests.

 

[Slithytoves]

I found this so interesting, because here you always come across as being so wonderfully compassionate and insightful.

You may have inadvertently hit on something when you closed your post with a reference to "deep inside" you. It seems to me that you relate exceptionally well to the inside of people, but that part of them isn't often all that apparent at first, or for quite a while. Sometimes it never becomes apparent, especially if your particular manifestations of Asperger's put you at a disadvantage for interpreting nonverbal (and even some types of verbal) communication. Many people can be very hard to read from the outside even for NTs, and when they're right in front of you, expecting something, the pressure's on for you to interpret and deliver instantaneously. Could that pressure of immediacy trigger your defenses, making it harder, and take longer, to relate to them?

And this may be way off base, but were the eyes on the faces you were viewing during your evaluation looking directly at you? Even a baby doll does that, and direct eye contact signals expectation in a particularly demanding way. I've often wondered if this is at least part of why many Aspies don't like eye contact. Returning direct eye contact is like accepting a request to fulfill a social expectation they may not be equipped to understand or deal with.

In that same vein, am I wrong, or do you have a vision impairment? If so, how do you think that may affect the feelings you're expressing here? Might you feel especially vulnerable, in terms of your ability to read a person adequately enough to feel confident in your interactions? Might you feel an inherent power imbalance?

I could be so totally wrong about all of this. Forgive me if I am. These are just some things that occurred to me as I read.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Only now (after four months!) can I be aware of them as people, and not just blurry, indistinct columns I must exchange information with.

<snip>

I have a kind heart. It's just.... stuck deep inside me.

Very well said...I feel the same way: "blurry, indistinct columns I must exchange information with." I gotta remember that!

Yes, it takes me a long time to start to process a person as a person and not just a thing with demands. It's like the real me is buried so deep inside that it takes a long time for that information to filter in, like rainwater filtering through layers of rock to get to underground lakes.

 

[Warmheart]

Suzanne dear lady, thank you for your kindness. You made me feel happy. You often do.

Slithy, I appreciate your insights. Yes! The insides of people emanate goodness to me, I sense their wonderful cores. But maybe my ASD social challenges do indeed make the outer stuff of a person intimidating. Eye contact is a bit overwhelming, yes-- I kinda hear the chilling violins in the Psycho shower scene. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! You are amazingly considerate and insightful.

Kestrel, thank you for sharing your shoji screen comparison. Beautiful, and understandable. My compassion for your challenges with the diagnostic tester. I always find you so brave, when I read your experiences and how you handle them.

DogwoodTree, yes, it really does take time for things to filter through until the person becomes a person one can relate to. The social demands alone are intimidating, and confusing, perhaps.

Yiva, thank you for your sharing here. Honestly, I am certain that my interactions are awkward and confuzzled because of me, not others.

OnTheInside, I share your relating with humor, but that stays hidden in face-to-face interactions. I'm usually deer-in-headlights on the outside, though.

Thank you to everyone for your insightful ideas on aloofness, and challenges relating to others. Online, I can relax and sense the good hearts of those I communicate with. In person, things get confusing and scary, and I end up awkwardly quiet and doofy.

 

[On the Inside]

direct eye contact signals expectation in a particularly demanding way. I've often wondered if this is at least part of why many Aspies don't like eye contact. Returning direct eye contact is like accepting a request to fulfill a social expectation they may not be equipped to understand or deal with.

I wasn't really aware that my lack of eye contact was that noticeable, nor that it could be so useful for others to make various assumptions about me. But it was enough of a problem between my partner and I that it was one of the reasons leading to my AS diagnosis. It is, as you say a signal of expectation, and I'll add, of intent, among other things. Too much or too intense of it messes with my emotional reading of a situation, and can leave me confused about expectations. It gets in the way of my understanding of what's being said, hearing clearly, and being able to respond clearly. Too much eye contact as I reply can spin my mind off in some other direction or disrupt my thought process.

But I have been understanding better how this might make people see me as distant and even dismissive, when all I'm doing is trying to listen carefully to what's being said and trying to limit distractions.

 

[Tia Maria]

Diagnostic testing last week had me looking at faces and saying if I liked the faces. I responded that I did not like almost all of them. "I don't like it.... I don't like it.... I don't like it..." as the tester flipped through the photographs of faces. I basically disliked all of the faces. (I felt intimidated/fearful/distrustful of them, like I just *knew* I'd screw up in communicating if I met them)

As a baby, my Mom got me a doll. I remember feeling that I would not understand what the person (doll) wanted from me, and that she (doll) would inevitably reject me. ( I sensed my trouble relating with people even as a baby) I played with toy animals only.

I just noticed recently that it has taken me four months to start to even come around to some people I see regularly. Only now (after four months!) can I be aware of them as people, and not just blurry, indistinct columns I must exchange information with.

Doesn't this make me seem uncharitable, and terribly aloof? I feel I have a kind heart deep down, and that I want people to feel well, feel appreciated. But, it takes me a long, long time to be aware of people, as people. Is this fear? Trust issues? I know I feel totally out of my depth relating to people. Is this just an ASD thing?

I have a kind heart. It's just.... stuck deep inside me. Know?

Warmheart, It is posts like this that help me understand how very different we are in relation to what's outside ourselves. Despite all the similarities between Aspies/Auties & non-Aspies, what you described is so incredibly foreign & totally confusing to me. It is so different from what I know & how I encounter the world. I appreciate reading this because it is very educational & enlightening for me.

At the same time I KNOW that you are one of the kindest, warmest & most caring souls I have ever encountered. Uncharitable & aloof are not adjectives I would ever use to describe someone as caring & warmhearted as you. I don't know what causes the disconnect you experience in person with other human beings. Is it how your brain is wired or how your neurological connections are being made? Is it extreme anxiety that overcomes part of your brain functioning? I have no idea. But there is no question in my mind that you are a kind & caring person with a large & generous heart.

You also express a fun & keen sense of humor. Remember your meatloaf 'sole meat'?!

 

[Suzanne]

Warmheart, you sound like me. I get so dreadfully confused with people off line, that I just want to escape online, to say hello to the real me.

I do, however get to be the real me, in some areas and by most I know, I think they would consider me kind etc, but generally, I feel I am screaming inside.

 

[Julia 27]

Diagnostic testing last week had me looking at faces and saying if I liked the faces. I responded that I did not like almost all of them. "I don't like it.... I don't like it.... I don't like it..." as the tester flipped through the photographs of faces. I basically disliked all of the faces. (I felt intimidated/fearful/distrustful of them, like I just *knew* I'd screw up in communicating if I met them)

As a baby, my Mom got me a doll. I remember feeling that I would not understand what the person (doll) wanted from me, and that she (doll) would inevitably reject me. ( I sensed my trouble relating with people even as a baby) I played with toy animals only.

I just noticed recently that it has taken me four months to start to even come around to some people I see regularly. Only now (after four months!) can I be aware of them as people, and not just blurry, indistinct columns I must exchange information with.

Doesn't this make me seem uncharitable, and terribly aloof? I feel I have a kind heart deep down, and that I want people to feel well, feel appreciated. But, it takes me a long, long time to be aware of people, as people. Is this fear? Trust issues? I know I feel totally out of my depth relating to people. Is this just an ASD thing?

I have a kind heart. It's just.... stuck deep inside me. Know?

Well this is how it is for me
On a daily interactive basis I see people as providing a service like having a game of golf with me and vice a versa
I don't really see them as a person as such. But I would go out of my way to help them and care about them on a deeper level but not on the surface of that makes sense. And say they told me their dog had just died I would be really sad for them and care and enquire after them next time I saw them. But I usually feel like there is an invisible wall between me and other people where I don't really feel because there is this wall but I don't know what it is. So I interact with people and deep down really care but there is something in the way that I cannot put my finger on. Its like I am moving around with them as a fellow robot interacting but??
But like you I really care and am kind and considerate
Does this make sense to anyone
And PS as a child I hated dolls I just didn't get them. What were you meant to do with them they just took and gave nothing!
But I adored my children as babies ( and as adults now) I love deeply but there is a something missing that I cannot quite explain