Aspie relationship issues, trying to understand and be supportive

[d-9090]

Hey Guys

I'm new on the forum and I've mainly joined because I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for the past year who has Asperger's but more recently I feel like I am probably not supporting her the way she needs.

We have been struggling a lot recently, she has started a new job which is incredibly stressful, not outside of the line of work she has been doing but a lot more intensive and longer hours.

We are having a lot more fights and I am feeling that I'm at fault quite a lot as I'm trying to offer help and support but she finds my suggestions "stupid and ridiculous". Conversely I've tried to not comment upon it but she feels I am not supporting her. I feel a little bit helpless and that I am becoming a hindrance. I feel maybe I am not understanding her and how she is coping.

She does not like talking about her Asperger's with me, I am a mental health nurse myself and she says that it makes her feel like she is a patient when she speaks to me about it, which I can understand. I'm worried that I am exasperating things by talking to her but I am being put in situations where she is quite mean to me when I think I'm doing the right thing.

Hope this doesn't sound as self pitying as I feel, I want to do the right things for her but I don't know if its my lack of understanding of Asperger's or if these are simply normal-ish relationship issues due to her stress from work.

Thanks, Hope it makes some sense!

D-9090

 

[Suzanne]

Wow, she is blessed to have you in her life!

No, on the contrary, rather than sounding "pity party" you come across as extremely humble.

Being the aspie in my relationship, I can say that all she probably wants is to be left alone when she comes back from work.

What suggestions do you make, that sound stupid and ridiculous?

We female aspies have a rather different makeup to our counterpart neurotypical females and so, when we are stressed, we need to be alone.

 

[d-9090]

Thanks for the response Suzanne!

I may try and take that advice. Well she has been very very upset coming home from work sometimes, she says she feels like she is very unsupported at work and feels like her colleagues can make out she does not pull her weight. She is also struggling to make friends in the job where as in her previous job she was very much integrated into the team there.

Due to the nature of her distress, unhappiness and unease I have said maybe talk to management to see what support she could get? She has been feeling unwell and anxious going to work sometimes so I've advised going sick if she needs to and not feeling overly responsible to her employers. And when things have been really bad I've suggested the nuclear option of maybe quitting the job and going back to her old job which was not as secure financially but she was happier. She has an excellent work ethic and drive (sometimes to a fault I feel) so these are the kind of things she calls stupid, ridiculous or unfeasible, which maybe they are?

She has been isolated from her best friend who has moved away in the last six months and is not extremely comfortable talking with her parents in relation to this. As I sometimes find I may not be the most appropriate person to talk to because I find I upset or annoy her, I have once suggested perhaps a counselor or therapist to maybe help as a objective person to talk to. Again I'm not sure if this type of thing is helpful?

She can tend to turn things around, I had taken time off from my own job earlier this year due to stress relating to my own work and she can point out in these moments that she "can't just take time off when she feels like it" like I have. I suppose I find those moments difficult to deal with cause a part of me wants to identify it as being a part of her Asperger's (if that's the right way to put it) but I don't know if it is or not? Naturally enough she can find that behavior on my part quite dismissive of her stress. I do find myself hoping that this is just an response to the level of stress going on for her, and that hopefully she will settle into the job and it will become easier.

Apologies I am fairly unloading here as it is ongoing and quite challenging, but the support is quite reassuring!

 

[Nitro]

 

[Esa]

Hey Guys

I'm new on the forum and I've mainly joined because I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for the past year who has Asperger's but more recently I feel like I am probably not supporting her the way she needs.

We have been struggling a lot recently, she has started a new job which is incredibly stressful, not outside of the line of work she has been doing but a lot more intensive and longer hours.

We are having a lot more fights and I am feeling that I'm at fault quite a lot as I'm trying to offer help and support but she finds my suggestions "stupid and ridiculous". Conversely I've tried to not comment upon it but she feels I am not supporting her. I feel a little bit helpless and that I am becoming a hindrance. I feel maybe I am not understanding her and how she is coping.

She does not like talking about her Asperger's with me, I am a mental health nurse myself and she says that it makes her feel like she is a patient when she speaks to me about it, which I can understand. I'm worried that I am exasperating things by talking to her but I am being put in situations where she is quite mean to me when I think I'm doing the right thing.

Hope this doesn't sound as self pitying as I feel, I want to do the right things for her but I don't know if its my lack of understanding of Asperger's or if these are simply normal-ish relationship issues due to her stress from work.

Thanks, Hope it makes some sense!

D-9090

If I may ask a few things here; do you know what calms her down? It might be different for everyone. When you are about to have a fight or in the middle of a fight, have you ever tried to cool it down by giving her space instead of making a point? Of course, not by completely ignoring her.
In my experience, trying to go along with an argument often brings about a pointless battle. Especially when you get to the point where you are struggling to make the other person listen. I hate it when people don't see how angry I am and I need to calm down before I can go on. Otherwise I become very destructive. I don't know you or her to have a solid opinion on this. But obviously you are here to get a different perspective, people with autism are often accused of being unable to catch up with others (social cues, etc.) but the reality is that it looks like they're far ahead and they get bored and/or irritated when they're offered solutions or advice that they can actually come up with on their own, but they probably have good a reason to think why those things wouldn't work in the first place. Am I ahead of myself? Does this make any sense?

 

[d-9090]

Hey Esa. Thanks for the response

Worryingly I do not know exactly what can calm her down. I do try things like distraction or changing the subject, she can find this dismissive. So we sometimes try to talk things through but these as you say may not be the most ideal ways. She does have certain tactile things that help calm her like knitting. However I feel extremely cautious about how to suggest to her to calm down in this manner.

I agree I often find that we both get drawn into arguments and find neither of us can pinpoint exactly where it started. I have tried disengaging before but my method is probably a little bit more abrupt than I would prefer. She would say that I can be dismissive of her feelings when trying to disengage and indeed what you say about "being ahead of the game" is fair, she would say I can be patronizing. My own gig I can often feel a pressure to come up with a solution and I'm quite conditioned to trying to brainstorm and problem solve and I don't think I've found an adequate way of disengaging or giving her space without being abrupt.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to give space in this way? How when she may mention to me or talk about her day I don't end up sounding dismissive of not caring?

 

[tree]

 

[Esa]

Hey Esa. Thanks for the response

Worryingly I do not know exactly what can calm her down. I do try things like distraction or changing the subject, she can find this dismissive. So we sometimes try to talk things through but these as you say may not be the most ideal ways. She does have certain tactile things that help calm her like knitting. However I feel extremely cautious about how to suggest to her to calm down in this manner.

I agree I often find that we both get drawn into arguments and find neither of us can pinpoint exactly where it started. I have tried disengaging before but my method is probably a little bit more abrupt than I would prefer. She would say that I can be dismissive of her feelings when trying to disengage and indeed what you say about "being ahead of the game" is fair, she would say I can be patronizing. My own gig I can often feel a pressure to come up with a solution and I'm quite conditioned to trying to brainstorm and problem solve and I don't think I've found an adequate way of disengaging or giving her space without being abrupt.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to give space in this way? How when she may mention to me or talk about her day I don't end up sounding dismissive of not caring?

First off, I never considered it useful to suggest anyone to calm down. That might not be a wise way to go about it. I don't think she would appreciate being told what to do no matter how subtly you may put it.

About giving her space, maybe try to consider it as extending a non-existent cord between the two of you rather than disengaging entirely. If possible, keeping quiet or spending sometime in different rooms without giving each other attitude might help.

I find it very useful to be transparent about how I feel or about the reasons behind my actions in order to avoid any misunderstandings in the future. I try to be verbal to avoid being abrupt. When we don't tell each other our reasons ahead of time, we tend to speculate, assume, sometimes go crazy trying to figure out "why".

Sometimes, trying to follow guidelines on how to manage people in stressful situations, stresses out people even more. Because it might make them feel like they're being treated like children. Honesty and transparency might work better than trying to put together a set of strategies. Sorry if I'm crossing any lines here.

 

[Esa]

Another thing that couples could do is postponing the argument for a while until both parties are feeling relatively calm and trying to do something together or doing their own things together, in the same room, house, etc. Cuddling and shutting the hell up helps, too

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Yup, give her space she needs for a while to adapt to her new situation. It appears that her new job is exhausting most if not all her mental and emotional energy. She's probably being the best version of herself that she can be right now.

 

[kay]

If you need to disengage during an argument or discussion that is about to become an argument I think a cup of tea or something similar offered to her would help a bit. At least that's the instructions I gave my boyfriend. The tea lets me know he cares, he's not dismissing me, and it helps me calm down to sit alone with my tea, but I don't feel so alone since he made me the tea. Does that make sense? Of course that's just me.

 

[Judge]

IMO perhaps the most important thing to take into consideration under such circumstances is how debilitating work stress itself can be for someone on the spectrum relative to their relationships with others. Where such stress can literally subtract from one's ability to handle socialization on levels which may be "dirt common" to Neurotypicals. For us a relationship can fundamentally take an enormous amount of emotional energy. Then factor in the stress of a new job. Ouch.

In my own case my ability to interact with others would always improve once a period of job stress seemed to subside. Especially in consideration of a new position where it's reasonable to assume that things will get better as they begin to sense mastering the job instead of just wading through it.

Though if such a degree of stress on the job doesn't wane along with its stress on the relationship, it's presumable that one or the other will have to "give" at some point. A possibility not to be ignored.

From my perspective the weight of this equation rests largely on her ability to negotiate the new job sufficient to finding its "sweet spot", so she can feel more confidant and comfortable which can translate into a more relaxed relationship with you.

Perhaps the best you can do is to simply be there for her, without projecting any sense of being proactive. After all, "the ball is in her court"- not yours.

 

[Streetwise]

I am an Aspie female very anxious and when I'm stressed I just want to lie down and try to sleep I'm exhausted by Communication ,if you did something for her but she knew she wouldn't have to help you with it but it gave her some energy I would personally like that

Hey Guys

I'm new on the forum and I've mainly joined because I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for the past year who has Asperger's but more recently I feel like I am probably not supporting her the way she needs.

We have been struggling a lot recently, she has started a new job which is incredibly stressful, not outside of the line of work she has been doing but a lot more intensive and longer hours.

We are having a lot more fights and I am feeling that I'm at fault quite a lot as I'm trying to offer help and support but she finds my suggestions "stupid and ridiculous". Conversely I've tried to not comment upon it but she feels I am not supporting her. I feel a little bit helpless and that I am becoming a hindrance. I feel maybe I am not understanding her and how she is coping.

She does not like talking about her Asperger's with me, I am a mental health nurse myself and she says that it makes her feel like she is a patient when she speaks to me about it, which I can understand. I'm worried that I am exasperating things by talking to her but I am being put in situations where she is quite mean to me when I think I'm doing the right thing.

Hope this doesn't sound as self pitying as I feel, I want to do the right things for her but I don't know if its my lack of understanding of Asperger's or if these are simply normal-ish relationship issues due to her stress from work.

Thanks, Hope it makes some sense!

D-9090

Hello

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[Keigan]

Welcome.

Let her come up with ideas on how you can support her.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Have you asked her directly what you can do to be supportive when she is stressed or how she'd like you to respond when she feels that way? Don't know because you haven't said, but maybe just asking how you can be helpful would let her know you care.

 

[Fitzo]

A lot of the time women just need a sensitive and caring ear to listen and be sympathetic to what they're feeling. They are not expecting you to come up with solutions, which to them may not be practical or possible. The very fact you are doing this may actually be contributing to the stress and hence descending into argument.
I agree with @LucyPurrs. Maybe just ask her how she would like you to respond.

Edit: Just to be really clear about this. If I had just started a new job (which is usually stressful even if you're not Aspie) and someone suggested I could take time off or ask them to accommodate me, when I haven't yet even shown them my value, I would find that ludicrous if not downright infuriating!

 

[Rasendra]

I agree with Fitzo. This causes arguments when I might just need to vent. Sometimes where there is no good solution so my husband trying to 'help' just stresses me out. He just wants to fix things so if he wants to help and doesn't know what to do he will ask me if I want him to help or fix it which implies asking for his help. Mostly I say no so he knows I just want him to listen.

Also if she is saying you aren't supporting her why don't you just ask her what specifically she wants? She is going to know what sort of support she wants better than any of us.

 

[Mia]

Welcome to the autism forum @d-9090

Perhaps, listening without attempting to fix things or provide solutions might help as Fitzo has suggested. And as Kay mentioned, bringing her a cup of tea, or something that she likes will help as well. If her job and the people she works with are creating stress, then a peaceful environment during her downtime, will help, a sort of oasis from the world. No discussions or arguments, unless she specifically asks your advice for solutions, otherwise only listen. Aspies need lots of time alone, to de-stress.

 

[Ambi]

Hey Esa. Thanks for the response

Worryingly I do not know exactly what can calm her down. I do try things like distraction or changing the subject, she can find this dismissive. So we sometimes try to talk things through but these as you say may not be the most ideal ways. She does have certain tactile things that help calm her like knitting. However I feel extremely cautious about how to suggest to her to calm down in this manner.

I agree I often find that we both get drawn into arguments and find neither of us can pinpoint exactly where it started. I have tried disengaging before but my method is probably a little bit more abrupt than I would prefer. She would say that I can be dismissive of her feelings when trying to disengage and indeed what you say about "being ahead of the game" is fair, she would say I can be patronizing. My own gig I can often feel a pressure to come up with a solution and I'm quite conditioned to trying to brainstorm and problem solve and I don't think I've found an adequate way of disengaging or giving her space without being abrupt.

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to give space in this way? How when she may mention to me or talk about her day I don't end up sounding dismissive of not caring?

I think there's no way around this: to go forward you must speak with her directly about her Aspie traits and how to live with them - what she needs, what calms her down, all of that stuff everyone is mentioning. She's got to be a part of that conversation - she needs to participate in discovering that, trying it out, etc. Otherwise it will be experienced/perceived by her as though you are treating her like a patient, even though I know you are not trying to do that at all. I would explain to her that it has reached a point where you both really need to discuss it and how to approach it together, otherwise the relationship is just damaging and unhealthy for you, and unlikely to progress forward or last. Not to bring a sense of doom, but this is what I think the bottom line is.