Aspie Marriage

[Karin]

I have been married to an aspie man for 16 years - and only just discovered the aspie aspect. He doesn't know and I doubt it will be something he'll want to know about as he has never felt like getting to know himself better.

On the good side I would say that he's intelligent, mostly calm tempered where I tend to get more nervous, and I like his sense of humor. He shows his feelings through considerate gifts at Christmas and birthday.

On the other side he does not seem to be able to understand or show empathy. When he is under pressure he is not able to give support of any kind but focus only on his own problems in the situation. He never offers to help with anything and I haven't hard a kind word or a compliment in our 16 years together. He has problems relating with his children because they expect emotions from him that he is not able to express. He says he can't live without his family but it is so hard for him to relate to us, he's rarely at home. He is also one of the most lonely people I know as he has never been able to share his thoughts and feelings with any person that I know of.

For the past three years we have only been cohabiting, not living together as spouses. What broke the marriage for me was the lack of empathy and the ego centered reaction whenever the going got tough. I know why now but it doesn't change what I feel I need from a spouse.

 

[Pondering]

Thank you everybody for your honesty and comment. I appreciate it.

 

[Judge]

For the past three years we have only been cohabiting, not living together as spouses. What broke the marriage for me was the lack of empathy and the ego centered reaction whenever the going got tough. I know why now but it doesn't change what I feel I need from a spouse.

Are you certain he has an actual lack of empathy, or an inability to project it in a way Neurotypicals can relate to ?

I'd think his own self-awareness of being on the spectrum (if he actually is) remains the most viable chance of altering his traits and behaviors...at least those he's neurologically capable of. As a partner or spouse I think you'd be doing him a favor by telling him. If he's adamantly opposed to investigating it, I'd think that would be your queue to seek another partner or spouse.

 

[Karin]

Hi Judge,

I agree that somehow I do need to share my thought that my husband is an aspie. For now I am waiting to see how the psychologists diagnose our daughter. She is hospitalized in the children's psychiatric ward (with me along) and one of the diagnosis they're considering in her case is Aspergers. I'm pretty sure our 14 yr old son is an aspie as well as my husband. It has been the interviews with the different psychologists that has led me think my husband is an aspie. Two suggested it independently and I began to seek information.

I pick up people's mood very easily (too easily at times) as does my daughter. Apart from my own experiences with his inability to give support, my daughter does not want him around when she is doing things that are difficult for her as he reeks disapproval and annoyance that she can't talk or walk at the moment. He wants her fixed so she can be fun and easy to be with again.

I was done with the marriage a long time ago but I have no problems sharing housing with him and we both want to be there as our children grow up. Some problems we have is he can't stop using irony though it visibly hurts our daughter every time he does - visible to me, probably not to him, and I often end up 'translating' between him and the children to get them to understand what the other part actually means. As the children get older and seem to want more from him than playing, which he is great at, I see the distance between them growing and it makes me sad for all three of them.

 

[AsheSkyler]

For the past three years we have only been cohabiting, not living together as spouses. What broke the marriage for me was the lack of empathy and the ego centered reaction whenever the going got tough. I know why now but it doesn't change what I feel I need from a spouse.

That can definitely be rough. I know the verbal components must be hard for him, but hopefully he's at least giving you a few of his thoughtful gifts. Probably wouldn't hurt for him to take a note from a romantic allistic's book and give you some flowers, make breakfast, and stuff more often to make up for the lack of compliments.

 

[Karin]

We've been together for 16 years and I've tried to leave four times. Last time I was adamant for seven months and we ended up sharing the house. He was never able to understand (or I was unable to explain) what it was I needed to feel content and for me we passed the point of no return a long time ago.

I could list examples and they would make sense from a NT point of view, but he is kind man at heart and by now I mostly worry he could end up being very lonely once the kids leave home and our ways part. Especially if I can't make the kids accept what they can't change about him and look for what he can give instead.

 

[Karin]

One thing that puzzles me (please let me now if this should be a seperate thread). Every time I have wanted to leave my husband he has been able to change into being considerate and affectionate for as long as it took me to change my mind and stay. The longest for him has been two months. Then he has gone back to the way that was the most comfortable for him.

Assuming he is an aspie (and I have yet to find a description that doesn't fit) would this be because he knows the theory of what to do but doesn't feel it the way I do so he can't maintain it for long?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

If he is an Aspie he might be like me and I do good for a while then get off track. I have to focus on staying with it.

I think that's just human nature to go back to what one is comfortable with. Actually making a change and sticking with it takes conscious effort continuously until the change has been actually done and accepted by the person making the change. Being "forced" to make a change usually doesn't work and the person eventually goes back to their previous behavior. It's not just an Aspie thing.

 

[Greg]

I think that's just human nature to go back to what one is comfortable with. Actually making a change and sticking with it takes conscious effort continuously until the change has been actually done and accepted by the person making the change. Being "forced" to make a change usually doesn't work and the person eventually goes back to their previous behavior. It's not just an Aspie thing.

I do therapy once a week and am open to changing the way that I do things. I spent a few years being by myself which since I was alone my behaviors only would effect me. When I got married was when the challenges started. So I am not totally losing myself but trying to change the way that I do things to fit the situation. But like you say it is a challenge. Therapy for me is a good thing because he doesn't just agree with me and tell me that I am right all the time. He helps me to understand the way my wife is thinking about things.

 

[AsheSkyler]

One thing that puzzles me (please let me now if this should be a seperate thread).

Your marriage, your thread. I think it's appropriate.

Assuming he is an aspie (and I have yet to find a description that doesn't fit) would this be because he knows the theory of what to do but doesn't feel it the way I do so he can't maintain it for long?

From multiple cases I've read, yeah, pretty much. Personally, I got emotionally and physically exhausted trying to keep something up that I'm unfamiliar with. And sometimes I have no idea what it is that I'm doing different. All I know is sometimes my husband is happy, sometimes he's not. To me, I'm the same as always before. Some things are obvious and easy to fix, like don't clean or rearrange his desk.

Especially if I can't make the kids accept what they can't change about him and look for what he can give instead.

Keep tryin' is all I can say. Some things you can't come to terms with until you're older. I knew my dad and I would get along much better if we didn't live in the same house, I just didn't understand him until I got older.

 

[Karin]

Always the case, isn't it? You can never change other people. You can try to change the way you behave towards them and that might shift things. I never really tried to change my husband, only tried to leave

Now that it seems like he's an aspie I'm even more happy we didn't actually split up. My main reason for living together still was I knew he and the kids would have a hard time together if I'm not there at all and he said he wanted them half of the time. I know they see a much better side of him, growing up with him living with us. They will still have issues to settle but don't we all...

The current situation is a challenge, though, as his emotional limitations are part (only a part) of the reason why our daughter is struggling with anxiety, depression and not being able to walk or talk right now. She is very much aware he can only really relate to her when she is well and fun to be with, and unless she gets to accept at the age of 11 what daddy can and can't do, she could hold on to her own limitations just out of subconscious spite.

 

[Slithytoves]

I'm in an Aspie-Aspie relationship that works exceptionally well, but I think a lot of our success is because our particular traits mesh easily, we have some solid fundamentals in common, we both have a good sense of humor, we are both self-aware and both deeply committed to good communication. I think we know we got very lucky. Not every pair of Aspies would gel like we do.

What I like best about our relationship is the level of honesty and objectivity we share. Neither one of us shies away from the "tough stuff" and we can have a calm conversation about things that would make most couples explode into a fight. True, we haven't been together that long, but since we know our Asperger's means we have to make a conscious effort I think we've set ourselves up with very good patterns for the long term.

I never took criticism well from my NT partners at any stage of my past relationships, but I can take whatever Harrison has to say on board with surprising ease and without becoming defensive. I never realized how difficult relationships had been for me until I found one that isn't. Knowing he truly understands what underlies all my quirks is a huge relief.

I think it helped that we had months of voice-only contact before we met in person. We already know more about each other than many couples ever do and we know how to talk to each other. That came in handy when we just spent two rainy weeks in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. It was a very wet trial-by-fire and we came out of it beautifully.

 

[Jay Bowles]

I'm in an Aspie-Aspie relationship that works exceptionally well, but I think a lot of our success is because our particular traits mesh easily, we have some solid fundamentals in common, we both have a good sense of humor, we are both self-aware and both deeply committed to good communication. I think we know we got very lucky. Not every pair of Aspies would gel like we do.

What I like best about our relationship is the level of honesty and objectivity we share. Neither one of us shies away from the "tough stuff" and we can have a calm conversation about things that would make most couples explode into a fight. True, we haven't been together that long, but since we know our Asperger's means we have to make a conscious effort I think we've set ourselves up with very good patterns for the long term.

I never took criticism well from my NT partners at any stage of my past relationships, but I can take whatever Harrison has to say on board with surprising ease and without becoming defensive. I never realized how difficult relationships had been for me until I found one that isn't. Knowing he truly understands what underlies all my quirks is a huge relief.

I think it helped that we had months of voice-only contact before we met in person. We already know more about each other than many couples ever do and we know how to talk to each other. That came in handy when we just spent two rainy weeks in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. It was a very wet trial-by-fire and we came out of it beautifully.

My wife and I are in such a similar relationship to the one you describe. We married 8 years ago nearly and I can't think of any day we have argued. We are both recently diagnosed (well after we married) and the diagnosis for both of us supportive and a realisation of why we are who we are, if that makes sense? We have our separate hobbies and interests but the fact that the other has a passion gives the other "permission" to follow their own.

We both have other disabilities but this is of no importance to our relationship; we just understand each other. Our GP actually remarked on how well suited we are which I thought was funny! If the Dr says it's okay then it must be!

I have had other relationships but I was never understood and just ended up hurt; I was abused in one but that's not for here. I have children from a prior marriage and they think the world of my wife and are so happy that I'm happy.

So yes Marriage can work.

 

[On the Inside]

Thanks, Jay and Slithy, that gives me hope, at least for the future. I don't think things are going to work out with my current partner (NT). It is good to hear that your children are happy that you are happy. I get the guilt trip when we've talked about splitting up.

 

[Slithytoves]

Thanks, Jay and Slithy, that gives me hope, at least for the future. I don't think things are going to work out with my current partner (NT).

I'm truly sorry to hear that, OTI. I know you've been struggling to make things work for a very long time. You're fought the good fight. Don't let the guilt trips make you think otherwise. You're such a smart, gentle, self-aware guy that finding an Aspie partner should be easier for you than many if you do decide to go your own way.