For me, learning how to detach, having reasonable expectations, and not taking personal some of the more elusive behavior of the Aspies in my life has helped me.
Although I don't have the same type of relationship with them as you do with your boyfriend, one of them in particular has "blown up" on me. I was calling him to task regarding a promise he reneged on. He obviously had a problem with accepting responsibility for the consequences of his not following through with his end of the the agreement.
Also, his reasons for not having been able to fulfill his end of the agreement and, especially, his reasons for not having communicated with me about his inability to complete the task did not seem feasible. However, the "missing in action" and "incommunicado" behavior on his part were the most disconcerting aspects of the predicament.
I tried in vain in explain to him how his behavior caused an extreme disruption in my life. He responded by sending me highly insulting emails including reading me the "riot act", informing me that I was being "put on notice" regarding the future of our liaison. In other words, from there on in, I was not allowed to ever express to him my frustration and disappointment over his behavior.
His exceptionally angry defensiveness about not having had kept me posted is what alerted me to how much his autism probably affects his ability to function productively. He is sometimes unable to see things through to fruition. He must be very embarrassed and shameful over this and he covered it up by taking the offensive position with me.
Rather than tell me that he couldn't follow-through, he had gone into hiding and kept me at bay. As I had no way of knowing how much he had, or, had not, already accomplished, I hesitated to find alternative means of getting the time-sensitive task done. Needless to say, the result was chaos which I had to carry the stressful burden for.
To me, if both people are not allowed to express their fears and doubts about their rapport with each other, even in a very casual, and/or business relationship, then it is not a relationship, but, rather, a hostage-taking situation in which one person can gain and keep the upper hand. We are not talking "perfectionism" here, but, we are talking about being honest and communicating well enough to let the other person know what is going on.
"Blowing up" can be part of a control strategy to keep the other party from doing, or, saying anything that interferes with the controller's agenda. Unfortunately, even if hostage-taking is not what the defensive party might have intended, this is still how this restrictive dynamic will ultimately play out. Habitually "walking on eggshells' becomes the only style of communicating with such a defensive person
The bottom line is that after this occurrence, I really understood that this particular Aspie was not capable of a two-way, egalitarian rapport, and so I refrain from expressing any negative opinions about his behavior. I also no longer consider him someone I can be friends with. I rely only on those people who can have an honest, give-and-take emotional exchange with me to be my friends.