Aspie Anger

[Nisk]

In many books and websites it talks about how people with aspergers are prone to fits of rage and anger. I've been on this forums and it seems like the only time it's ever really mentioned is when someone is talking about their spouse or significant other who has Aspergers.

I for one hate getting angry. That's not to say I don't, if someone hurts or attacks my family I will usually lose control. For the most part though I think I get angry far less then most NT's. When I was younger I'd get into fights and other things but I was never angry I'd just go numb.

 

[On the Inside]

I also dislike getting angry (does any enjoy it?) and so have avoided conflict at all costs most of the time. I have had fits of anger, usually at inanimate objects that don't perform as needed. I've thrown a few tools, even a tape deck once, across the room, but only if no one else was around.

That has changed as my relationship with my partner has um, matured. She is quick to anger, flashes hot but short and I get caught up in it. Through a lot of work with my therapist I have been able to observe her anger, and keep my cool, but sometimes it does go on a little too long and I lose patience.

I am a dedicated bicycle commuter, and rarely have trouble with drivers in traffic ( I work downtown) but sometimes someone gets pissed at me and does something threatening with their car (don't know why, I follow all the rules, but I do claim my right to the road). This really gets me ticked off and if I am able, I let the offender know it. I try to be calm about it, but sometimes the driver continues to be a jerk. I have been fortunate that these confrontations haven't escalated past shouting. But it leaves me shaken for days.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Anger is a valuable tool and I do enjoy it (mwahahaha! ), along with self-control. (With the exception of tossing or kicking a few small objects like rocks and pine cones when people aren't looking because those things brought me pain. Kind of a reflex. ) It's saved my hide a few times between scaring off dogs, drunk people, a few perverts, and some meddlesome busybodies that were trying to get me killed. Considering I have a long fuse (so long as I'm not in pain) and prefer to behave honorably, I have no remorse when I growl a bit at somebody. With the exception of some trash that was mistreating my sister, I pinned him down immediately and made him stop. Little punk... Orta punched him a bit, see how he likes it. I really hate those people that can dish it out but can't take it.

I just wish I'd stop getting these little thin-skinned ninnies that fall apart over a well-deserved reprimand. I've had multiple coworkers that either couldn't keep their hands off my butt or were constantly pushing or hitting me until a month or so later I'd have enough and either fight back (one punch or slap, not like I wailed on them) or put them in tears, and then I had to listen to them whine and cry about it the rest of the time I worked there. They'd probably be in therapy for years if I let my guard down and gave them a proper demonstration of what I'm really feeling. And that's just the immediate/hot/meaningless anger when I'm annoyed, irritated, or too bored to bother with them anymore. People really don't like it when they actually make me angry.

 

[Tom]

I don't believe autistics are any more prone to agressiveness then NTs. They have their limits like anyone else, and when pushed too far can become angry. The thing is that Autistics and NTs have different hot buttons, so NTs are often unaware of what is happening and the outburst seems to come from nowhere to them. Autistics are also more likely to be on the recieving end of jokes, pranks and bullying, which can provoke an defensive outburst.

 

[cherryq]

My anger rarely gets let out, which isn't to say that I don't get angry. I just dislike confrontation very much, so I hold in what anger I do have until I can be alone to calm myself down. Sometimes holding in this anger (so it isn't explosive) turns into a passive-aggressiveness, which I do not intend. When I realize that I am giving everyone short answers with a rude tone of voice and thinking very negatively towards the source of my anger, I know that I should immediately find a place to be alone and calm myself (usually by sitting on the floor, curled up, hands over ears, and rocking---most relaxing position ever!). If I don't calm myself soon after developing a passive-aggressive mindset, I will likely explode in a single bout of anger and storm off to go calm myself down. This usually leaves people a little dumbfounded. Oh, and I will yell while driving down the road when drivers do anything that seems worthy of being yelled at, especially after a stressful day at work or school (though I hold this in as much as possible whenever others are in the car with me).

 

[Spiller]

In many books and websites it talks about how people with aspergers are prone to fits of rage and anger. I've been on this forums and it seems like the only time it's ever really mentioned is when someone is talking about their spouse or significant other who has Aspergers.

I for one hate getting angry. That's not to say I don't, if someone hurts or attacks my family I will usually lose control. For the most part though I think I get angry far less then most NT's. When I was younger I'd get into fights and other things but I was never angry I'd just go numb.

I'm actually not sure if I'm capable of real seeing-red anger, having analysed a lot of bouts of extreme.. frustration-fuelled outbursts - including yelling and throwing stuff. I can't truly remember a time when I felt rage.

I always hated that part of me that could show off like that as I feel it's not really a part of who I am, more like screaming from being in unrelenting pain for a long time - you can bear it, but sometimes it just gets too much.

I've learned to control it over the years, to take a calmer approach to the situation/emotion.
I used to fume at other car drivers' antics, say, and that would play out in my mind for days - but I realised that I was just re-living an upsetting situation over and over, while the offending driver had moved on, forgetting about me in pulling the same stunt on a dozen other unsuspecting suckers..

I think that most people get angry as part of social role-playing, like:

"If you make a pass at my gf in the pub I have to call you out."

Maybe people with ASD's don't because they don't have the same social-rule structure..

It seems to be a requirement in my line of work to resort to squaring-off and fighting if a client gets out of line - at least, that's how I understand my colleagues to handle such situations.
In 25 years I've never had one crossed word (though I've had to call the police 3 times), preferring to use calm, rational argument.. I've calmly and rationally argued a number of drunk, or otherwise unpleasant clients right out the door

 

[inabox]

I am a very calm person in front of people. I'm very scared of what they will think. Which means that if I'm wound up, and my "buttons" have been pushed, or indeed, broken because someone has hit them so hard, I often lose it completely when I'm by myself again. The longer I have to hold in the anger, the worse the carnage when I do let it out. If I'm still with people and I've reached critical anger level, it will explode anyway. For most of my life I don't think I've experienced rage at all. That all changed over the last year-ish, though. Now I'm a bit like rage personified. Although I don't think this is caused by having aspergers. I've been told by a lot of people that they do not know how I'm still going after what's happened and they (mostly NTs) would have not managed as well as I have.
Hope that answers the question of the OP

 

[King_Oni]

For what it's worth, I was quite an angry and agressive kid and had some help to deal with those issues. So I tend to be bit more reserved now. I'm not throwing a shoe across the room when the doorbell rings and I don't want it to ring so to speak.

But, I guess with that, I care less about a lot of stuff as well. It's not that I feel I had much use for any kind of therapy but it's more that I just stopped caring about a lot. Most stuff just doesn't bother me... and living in my own little compartmentalized area in the house helps a lot. In a sense I have quite some room to live in my own little bubble... or as some might call it, ivory tower, hah.

Anger and agression... I guess I have a love/hate relationship with it. While I don't pick fights, I quite like the adrenaline rush said agression gives me. And for some reason people think I'm fun to pick fights with... so I get my fix every once in a while. But I don't know... I mean, I have a weird type of agression and anger I suppose. I don't really lose control, but I feel more like some calculated predatory instinct comes up and it feels more like I'm out for blood in a rather controlled and calculated way... having trained a few martial arts as a kid probably helps as well (and that's obviously why no one should pick a fight with me, lol).

It's funny though, since I can usually keep my cool at home, since I know I'll only screw myself over if I throw something across the room and break it. I rarely lash(ed) out against friends or family either... unless they are really obstinate, but that's when my patience is really running low... there's only so much I'll put up with. And even then, it's more verbal. If I lay my hands on someone, I know it'll end up bad and I have no interest to have law enforcement step in.

However, I once was quite angry with my ex-girlfriend (when we were still dating) and I wasn't really going to put my hands on her... I ended up punching a wall in the bedroom so hard, I thought I shattered my hand, but the wall gave away and I actually punched a sizeable hole in the shape of my fist in said (stone) wall. That kinda puts a damper on things where people worry if they can say anything without it getting physical... talking about a tense atmosphere.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

The positive side of anger is that it's fuel for action. It's poisonous if it's left to fester and turns within. While I think I'll always struggle with depression, it was a big breakthrough for me to realize that it was partially driven by internalizing my anger, trying to make the world logical by assuming that people angry at me were reasonable and logical and that the world was just, so I must deserve it. Discovering that people are usually well-meaning, sometimes reasonable, rarely logical, and that the world is not just finally stopped me from "adding to the backlog." Mostly.

The frustration factor used to drive me to tear up nylon curtains with only my hands, experience mutism for days, and finally, to start fighting back when a particularly vicious bully wouldn't leave it alone. And I discovered that anger can also be a remarkable "high"--when I can champion my own cause and right the scales. I discovered self-respect when I realized I deserved justice no less than anyone else, and that without my voice, justice would not be served.

 

[wanderer03]

Anger is a valuable tool and I do enjoy it (mwahahaha! ), along with self-control. (With the exception of tossing or kicking a few small objects like rocks and pine cones when people aren't looking because those things brought me pain. Kind of a reflex. ) It's saved my hide a few times between scaring off dogs, drunk people, a few perverts, and some meddlesome busybodies that were trying to get me killed. Considering I have a long fuse (so long as I'm not in pain) and prefer to behave honorably, I have no remorse when I growl a bit at somebody. With the exception of some trash that was mistreating my sister, I pinned him down immediately and made him stop. Little punk... Orta punched him a bit, see how he likes it. I really hate those people that can dish it out but can't take it.

I just wish I'd stop getting these little thin-skinned ninnies that fall apart over a well-deserved reprimand. I've had multiple coworkers that either couldn't keep their hands off my butt or were constantly pushing or hitting me until a month or so later I'd have enough and either fight back (one punch or slap, not like I wailed on them) or put them in tears, and then I had to listen to them whine and cry about it the rest of the time I worked there. They'd probably be in therapy for years if I let my guard down and gave them a proper demonstration of what I'm really feeling. And that's just the immediate/hot/meaningless anger when I'm annoyed, irritated, or too bored to bother with them anymore. People really don't like it when they actually make me angry.

Anger is healthy and underrated. Expression of anger helps blow off steam.

 

[asman]

I used to be relax and calm individual until i started to have a relationship. It is around this time where my anger starts. I had punched walls and yelled. It was not pretty. This is before I realized that I was an aspie. Now that I know, it didn't exactly make it any easier.

The problem is communication with my wife. She doesn't understand me and I don't always understand her. Without going into too much detail, I get angry more like I was throwing a tantrum when i don't get understood. I still get mad today, but at least i am not punching threw walls. I raise my voice a bit, but my wife still says i yell.

I don't want to rant too much, but yes...there are some of us (like me) who gets really pissed when not understood. And it doesn't matter how carefully I try to explain something to my wife, she still doesn't get it. I have a feeling, she just doesn't want to understand me, but maybe this is angry me talking......i gotta stop writing this while i'm angry thinking about this

 

[Tom]

Anger, no matter who has it Aspie or NT, is one of, if not the most destructive forces to relationships. It's rarely justified.

If Aspies are more prone to anger, then there is one of the causes of less success with relationships.

 

[wanderer03]

Anger, no matter who has it Aspie or NT, is one of, if not the most destructive forces to relationships. It's rarely justified.

If Aspies are more prone to anger, then there is one of the causes of less success with relationships.

We'll agree to disagree. Expressions of anger are so much better than passive aggression.

 

[ancusmitis]

In many books and websites it talks about how people with aspergers are prone to fits of rage and anger. I've been on this forums and it seems like the only time it's ever really mentioned is when someone is talking about their spouse or significant other who has Aspergers.

I have to say, I also don't think that autistics are any angrier or more aggressive. This sounds to me like typical rhetoric about people who are, for want of a better term, "inconvenient." It's a common dehumanization tactic. People demanding the right to vote are called angry and irrational. Homeless people are stereotyped as "aggressive panhandlers" and portrayed as dangerous. And of course, if you have anything that shows up anywhere in the DSM or ICD, then by definition any of your emotional experiences are invalid. If you are angry, it's because of your disease, not because something reasonable made you angry.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Anger is healthy and underrated. Expression of anger helps blow off steam.

Aye. Emotions themselves are neither positive nor negative, it's what you do with them. Happiness can be very negative if used incorrectly, such as finding pleasure in another's misfortune.

 

[asman]

Anger, no matter who has it Aspie or NT, is one of, if not the most destructive forces to relationships. It's rarely justified.

If Aspies are more prone to anger, then there is one of the causes of less success with relationships.

Agreed. I think if i can somehow figure out how to control my anger or channel my anger, my relationship would be hell better off.

 

[wanderer03]

I think a healthy expression of anger is okay. If you go on a tirade, that won't work. Keeping it bottled up inside is very dangerous. People that are passive aggressive scare me because there is no knowing when they'll explode and when they do, watch out.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Agreed. I think if i can somehow figure out how to control my anger or channel my anger, my relationship would be hell better off.

Is there some kind of safe word or phrase you can use? Perhaps an agreement to separate for a few minutes and cool down?

Not that I'm an ace at it in my own relationship. Whenever my husband starts getting rather grouchy I just avoid and ignore him until he's normal again. Doesn't work for everybody, but we haven't clobbered each other yet.

 

[asman]

Is there some kind of safe word or phrase you can use? Perhaps an agreement to separate for a few minutes and cool down?

Not that I'm an ace at it in my own relationship. Whenever my husband starts getting rather grouchy I just avoid and ignore him until he's normal again. Doesn't work for everybody, but we haven't clobbered each other yet.

Actually, i had always try to walk away and cool off when i'm upset, but my wife said that is insulting to walk away like that. So I can't walk away, and i get madder when i'm there.

A safe word is a good idea. i guess i can try to work with the wife on that. Thanks.

 

[Progster]

I have a short fuse and have had my fair share of meltdowns - mainly through the frustration of things not working properly of not going to plan. Short notice changes can make me angry, too, though nowadays I've managed to eliminate many of the stressors that trigger an anger response, so I don't have as many meltdowns as I used to have.