Aspie and NT - Problems Are Arising. Phone Contact

[Jordan]

As you know, aspies are prone to questioning everything that others are doing. Communication and misconception can have problems for people with Aspergers. Especially when we want to know all the plans that are happening in the day.

Sometimes, when on a conversation over the phone with a relative, they almost make me want to be interested in their subject of interest. Taking every effort not to be interested in what I wanted to say. Maybe it's just a problem with the way that we take in information, so we miss subtle signs, even when over the phone.

So it's Mother's Day tomorrow. I asked a simple question to one of my family members. It was "What is happening tomorrow". My family member replied "I've already told you".

It's almost as if they are using the AS to their advantage. But to an NT it may just be a minor issue.

I asked again, and this time she came up with the events. "Meeting up tomorrow, I will ring you when I get in [Location]" - It was almost as if my communication skills were cut short, and it caused massive anxiety for me.

So then I said "What time are you arriving?" - She then said "I've already told you". I maybe missed that part of the conversation as I was concentrated on other things. I said, "Could you say it to me again?". And then she said that she had to go. It was almost as if she was playing with my AS, and saying I was being in a mood with her when I never shown actual excitement over the phone. - I was monotone, and she told me to cheer up.

I am not sure if this is just a mother being concerned, or me perceiving the conversation wrong.

We aspies are set on people explaining it. She should of said on the phone to make sure that I write it down, or been a bit more sensitive. She could've explained the events that are happening tomorrow, better. Or maybe I am just missing the obvious signs and tones of the conversation.

Do any other aspies face issues like this?

 

[Turk]

Yep, im constantly in trouble for not soaking up the details of conversations. And I often get the "youve been told this already " . It is always taken as a sign of disrespect in my family. It appears that although those of my family, who know I have AS, load me with information when distractions are at there greatest. Knowing that I have problems retaining information, at these times, and knowing what the reaction will be if I ask more, creates an anxiety, that paralyzes me. It leaves me having to fish for information and im a terrible fisherman

 

[Jordan]

Yep, im constantly in trouble for not soaking up the details of conversations. And I often get the "youve been told this already " . It is always taken as a sign of disrespect in my family. It appears that although those of my family, who know I have AS, load me with information when distractions are at there greatest. Knowing that I have problems retaining information, at these times, and knowing what the reaction will be if I ask more, creates an anxiety, that paralyzes me. It leaves me having to fish for information and im a terrible fisherman

This is something that I can highly relate to! I don't know why they do that. It's almost as if it's the fact they do it on purpose/accident. I can never tell either one because it can be so confusing!

Thanks for this Turk. I can understand why most aspies tend to revert to anxiety and social seclusion. Often I expect others to say the conversation clear and concise so I can understand the subject in hand. It's no use when someone reverts to knowing that you have AS, and that the rapid reciting of information can be stressful.

It's almost as if I am being forced into speaking the "social norm" of an NT. I often get brought up for being disrespectful. As my social skills are not the same as the person who has all the social qualities, and is able to progress to change and gossip about everything.

Although, most aspies would think that we are the social norm, and NTs are the ones that aren't.

But because society labels us as "wired differently", it's almost a statement that we cannot aspire to that social norm. We often want to become that social norm. But it's frustrating and exhausting for an aspie to adhere to that social conversation and it's deemed disrespectful.

I would say if an NT had an aspie's thought process, they'd think twice about the social norms they take for granted, that we feel difficult to adjust to. It's almost sad that we are degraded by many socially able people.

 

[Turk]

For me its like this Jordan.
The stereotypical NT world is full of conversations around challenging statements or behaviour. Through these differences and resolutions, the social norm, build a database on what's acceptable and what works.
Most as Aspies hate any sort of conflict and will limit how deep they we will enter one. By doing this we restrict the size of our database, in how to deal with conflict or difference of opinion. The NT world dont see this as a disability, because they hsve no understanding of it. Its not like they can see a wheelchair or a guide dog. In attempts to add to my database, in recent years, I have tried involving myself, in more confronting discussion. On occasion Ive been told that my technique was inappropriate. It appears when I use the tools of the NT world, they are happy to use my AS, of a way of closing down conversation. But they have no tolerance for me hiding behind it, when I have a very real issue of understanding. Depressing, yet perplexing at the same time

 

[Ste11aeres]

So then I said "What time are you arriving?" - She then said "I've already told you". I maybe missed that part of the conversation as I was concentrated on other things. I said, "Could you say it to me again?". And then she said that she had to go.

Sounds like a social flaw on her part. Even if she's already told you, if you ask, she should tell you again.

 

[tlc]

My ex used to do that to me all the time. She said because I didn't remember or didn't pick out the detail the first time that I didn't care which wasn't true. One of the worst things is being hit over the head with 20 things when you walk in the door, before you can even get your boots off, and being expected to remember every single one of them. I'd hear about it weeks later "I already told you that" and I wouldn't remember hearing it at all, but I'm sure she buried it or implied it somewhere.

But it wasn't ok the other way around. To me the way devices worked was just innate. So I'd explain to her how to do something fairly simple when I was gone. Really tried to make sure she got it. I even went through every little step of moving the satellite dish over so she could watch her American Idol and Glee while I was working late. I even wrote down these steps very detailed and clearly and copied them in an email since she lived on her laptop. But it wasn't good enough, and as usual I was in the wrong because things were too difficult. She said I was smart enough that I should have been able to make it idiotproof with one button and lack of doing that made me uncaring and lazy.

Then of course the typical thing that most guys experience, that if they love her, they are just supposed to know what she wants and she shouldn't have to say anything.

Hence why she is an ex.

 

[Autism]

This is something that I can highly relate to! I don't know why they do that. It's almost as if it's the fact they do it on purpose/accident. I can never tell either one because it can be so confusing!

Thanks for this Turk. I can understand why most aspies tend to revert to anxiety and social seclusion. Often I expect others to say the conversation clear and concise so I can understand the subject in hand. It's no use when someone reverts to knowing that you have AS, and that the rapid reciting of information can be stressful.

It's almost as if I am being forced into speaking the "social norm" of an NT. I often get brought up for being disrespectful. As my social skills are not the same as the person who has all the social qualities, and is able to progress to change and gossip about everything.

Although, most aspies would think that we are the social norm, and NTs are the ones that aren't.

But because society labels us as "wired differently", it's almost a statement that we cannot aspire to that social norm. We often want to become that social norm. But it's frustrating and exhausting for an aspie to adhere to that social conversation and it's deemed disrespectful.

I would say if an NT had an aspie's thought process, they'd think twice about the social norms they take for granted, that we feel difficult to adjust to. It's almost sad that we are degraded by many socially able people.

You are right: the social norm of NT: very ineffective if you ask me.

Has been a pleasure talking to all of you, really like this group, will visit again real soon.

 

[Ereth]

Hello, Jordan.

I don't think most people do this on purpose or set out to take advantage of someone's ASD. It's often difficult for people who don't have autism to understand that we may need to ask a question multiple times since they are used to conveying information that is almost immediately picked up. It's less of a "social norm" and more of a knowledge gap. It's not their fault.

The monotone issue is another example of a simple lack of knowledge about what comes with ASD. It's not really willful misunderstanding---to this relative, you sound like you're in a bad mood because your voice isn't upbeat. I do agree that she shouldn't be so curt with you, but I can understand her side, too. Trying to understand another person is frustrating sometimes.

Then of course the typical thing that most guys experience, that if they love her, they are just supposed to know what she wants and she shouldn't have to say anything

I understand why you broke up with your ex----it sounds like she didn't put in half the effort you did to understand her. But making generalizations about relationships does not help your argument.