catherine.
New Member
Umm so hi everyone! I've been looking for this kind of forum for a while and after considering my options I decided to join. I hope this goes well.. So, I'm soon 30yo person, I hate to categorize myself as a woman even though the society seems to want that, and I'm what you'd call a self-diagnosed asperger.
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was twenty or so. My symptoms are now at bay so I can work and do "normal" stuff again. I've asked my therapist if it's possible to test me for asperger but she seems to think it's irrelevant to get the diagnose while she admits I have "the characterics". And don't get me wrong, I do not want the diagnose but getting some answers would ease my mind since I've NEVER felt that I fit in anywhere. And if it test result would be negative that's fine too.
Since kindergarden through all my school years I experienced severe bullying like getting my clothes ripped off, pushing around, getting called by names (weird, stupid, creep) and being left out. I got excellent grades though, that was the only thing that kept me sane.
I've been told I was always a good kid, my parents didn't have to yell at me or anything like that. I was also very silent, I didn't like going to shops because I hated the rush and I had unconventional ways of playing. I could for example dismantle toys or common things like pens and then build new things with the dismantled parts. I remember I also preferred playing alone, playing with others seemed so much trouble due to their different views and ways, I'd even get frustated if they played "differently".
Some other intresting facts: I didn't learn how to drive bike until 3th grade, I couldn't tie my shoelaces right until 3th grade, I didn't REMEMBER the order of the months until 4th grade and I only remember them now cause I tried so hard to learn the order with a melody I invented, I mix up time a lot for example let's say the time is 5:30PM but I'll think in my head it's 6:30PM, also it's usual for me to say them wrong too for example 40 minutes past twelve. Oh boy, these facts make me seem stupid..
I still do not understand how most people can dance or do aerobic and stuff like that which requires placing your feet and arms in exact positions at the right time in rhytm. It seems impossible for me. I'd love to learn how to dance but I just can't do it, even with mirrored tutorial videos on youtube.
I find it exhausting to fake my emotions especially joy and happiness cause I usually do not show how I feel, I didn't know it until some people pointed it out years ago when they asked if I disliked them cause I do not smile or seem intrested. In my area of work I have to get along with many people and it gets soooooo tiring to observe my own facial impressions and body language so that clients feel assured I'm there for them. After the day I just want to stay in my cool dark bedroom alone and rest a bit.
I also find it hard to read emotions of others. Especially if they say one thing but mean another thing. Reading between the lines - not my area of expertise. I've found myself laughing in wrong situations too like one time my friend and his boyfriend had a quarrel about something trivial but the first moments I really thought they're just playing around so I giggled at them.
I hate when people make changes to plans. I like to think plans are like pacts and changing the time or place or anything about it feels almost like betrayal. Sounds stupid but yeah I'm like that. Also, if my husband suddenly tells me we have to go to his parents house for a visit, I feel distressed cause I had no time to mentally prepare for the visit. Usually we skip these kind of sudden visits and plan them on an exact date cause of me.
I have strange triggers which are only now unfolding to me too. Apparently the worst one is someone saying obvious things and instructions. For example my husband saying "look out, there is a car behind you!" when I'm exiting my parking slot and I clearly saw the other car before he even said anything. Those kind of instructions seem like people think I'm blind, stupid and can't do anything on my own even though they're trying to help - I guess.
Otherwise I love numbers, I love science, space, technology but I'm also artistic. I don't have many friends, a couple of them, and luckily they don't judge me, even though they don't always get me. I don't talk to them much and mostly it's them venting out some personal stuff and I listen and try to think of rational solutions to their problems cause that's my way expressing that I care and want to help. I think animals are so much easier to handle and to understand than people but without people in my life I do get lonely.
Soooooo this was a long one. If anyone gets to the end, congratulations and THANK YOU. And feel free to share your thoughts!
I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was twenty or so. My symptoms are now at bay so I can work and do "normal" stuff again. I've asked my therapist if it's possible to test me for asperger but she seems to think it's irrelevant to get the diagnose while she admits I have "the characterics". And don't get me wrong, I do not want the diagnose but getting some answers would ease my mind since I've NEVER felt that I fit in anywhere. And if it test result would be negative that's fine too.
Since kindergarden through all my school years I experienced severe bullying like getting my clothes ripped off, pushing around, getting called by names (weird, stupid, creep) and being left out. I got excellent grades though, that was the only thing that kept me sane.
I've been told I was always a good kid, my parents didn't have to yell at me or anything like that. I was also very silent, I didn't like going to shops because I hated the rush and I had unconventional ways of playing. I could for example dismantle toys or common things like pens and then build new things with the dismantled parts. I remember I also preferred playing alone, playing with others seemed so much trouble due to their different views and ways, I'd even get frustated if they played "differently".
Some other intresting facts: I didn't learn how to drive bike until 3th grade, I couldn't tie my shoelaces right until 3th grade, I didn't REMEMBER the order of the months until 4th grade and I only remember them now cause I tried so hard to learn the order with a melody I invented, I mix up time a lot for example let's say the time is 5:30PM but I'll think in my head it's 6:30PM, also it's usual for me to say them wrong too for example 40 minutes past twelve. Oh boy, these facts make me seem stupid..
I still do not understand how most people can dance or do aerobic and stuff like that which requires placing your feet and arms in exact positions at the right time in rhytm. It seems impossible for me. I'd love to learn how to dance but I just can't do it, even with mirrored tutorial videos on youtube.
I find it exhausting to fake my emotions especially joy and happiness cause I usually do not show how I feel, I didn't know it until some people pointed it out years ago when they asked if I disliked them cause I do not smile or seem intrested. In my area of work I have to get along with many people and it gets soooooo tiring to observe my own facial impressions and body language so that clients feel assured I'm there for them. After the day I just want to stay in my cool dark bedroom alone and rest a bit.
I also find it hard to read emotions of others. Especially if they say one thing but mean another thing. Reading between the lines - not my area of expertise. I've found myself laughing in wrong situations too like one time my friend and his boyfriend had a quarrel about something trivial but the first moments I really thought they're just playing around so I giggled at them.
I hate when people make changes to plans. I like to think plans are like pacts and changing the time or place or anything about it feels almost like betrayal. Sounds stupid but yeah I'm like that. Also, if my husband suddenly tells me we have to go to his parents house for a visit, I feel distressed cause I had no time to mentally prepare for the visit. Usually we skip these kind of sudden visits and plan them on an exact date cause of me.
I have strange triggers which are only now unfolding to me too. Apparently the worst one is someone saying obvious things and instructions. For example my husband saying "look out, there is a car behind you!" when I'm exiting my parking slot and I clearly saw the other car before he even said anything. Those kind of instructions seem like people think I'm blind, stupid and can't do anything on my own even though they're trying to help - I guess.
Otherwise I love numbers, I love science, space, technology but I'm also artistic. I don't have many friends, a couple of them, and luckily they don't judge me, even though they don't always get me. I don't talk to them much and mostly it's them venting out some personal stuff and I listen and try to think of rational solutions to their problems cause that's my way expressing that I care and want to help. I think animals are so much easier to handle and to understand than people but without people in my life I do get lonely.
Soooooo this was a long one. If anyone gets to the end, congratulations and THANK YOU. And feel free to share your thoughts!
but then again, I am a reader.
