CDOCONNOR
Let us swell the peace with warmth
i don’t know how long I’ve had AS, all I know is symptoms began after elementary school when I was joked and ridiculed by other kids. I never had any friends, I never had a gf who really loved me, just a slew of broken relationships, and from all this-until I was 23- 10 years of anxiety attack’s. I never had a friend during college; I was forced to find companionship in old television sitcoms and fiction books, and it took me 10 years to graduate because I had a difficult time passing math and foreign language (yeah, I’m really using these things now!!). Finally graduated in 2013 with a degree in liberal arts which isn’t getting me anywhere. My gpa was a 3.43, but real intelligence doesn’t matter in today’s world. It’s all who you know; so high school is actually a rehearsal for the real world in some ways. You can show people you have what it takes but if they don’t like you, or think you are odd, your chances of being the best you can be are not high.
Right now I’m stuck at a deadbeat job 2 days a week for 12 hours making sure nobody steals cars—a security guard basically. And all the while I can see my life slowly ticking away. I do my best to improve things but nothing happens (10 years experience). It’s emotionally crippling knowing Asperger syndrome is the culprit and there’s not a damn thing you can do. Job coaches?? Nah!! They aren’t miracle workers.
To make things worse I’m 35 and still live at home. How do you explain you aren’t a loser to someone; it’s your AS that prevents you and no matter how hard you try things get worse and worse, they never change? I am a great writer. I had a few prose poems published in the last 4 years, but AS slows me down. The words are unable to come out. It’s not writers block because I know what I want to say and how I want to say it. I’m a clogged pipe that becomes unclogged once every few years...literally. Nobody wants to help me overcome my problems (battle it, because you never will overcome it) and I quite bc the minimal reward wasn’t worth all the blood and scars. Now I’m hoping to become a painter. I tried screen writing but realized you need people skills—yeah, as sufferers can learn those skills but it’s only half ass; you’ll be a runner running a race who has a prosthetic leg. You won’t do as well and people will still treat you differently no matter what.
I learned to make friends by being loving, caring, and giving. Don’t do that. People always care for you only if you can do something for them. When you are in need nobody is around. And do not ever stand up for yourself—even respectably like I did—because you’ll wake up to find yourself alone. As I am now at 35.
Seeing your friends (aquaintances actually) get married, have kids, realize their dreams; happy, is worse than having both arms chopped off. You end up more alone and—especially when family members die— your world grows smaller and your mind starts veering off into many unhealthy directions. I have a great gf, don’t get me wrong, but a time always comes when your emotional health shuts down and you become a zombie.
My favorite quote is from a song by Counting Crows “Today was just another day fading into another, and that can’t be what a life is for.”
I’ve prayed. Jesus never seems to be home. I’ve seen therapists and I only return home with more bills and so many pills that took me into believing everything is ok, or will be, when all the while I know they won’t. I really want to commit suicide. I don’t care who I hurt because staying alive for others becomes a burden and that isn’t the only reason to be alive. I only stay alive because I have this feeling that suicides go to hell...thank our religious institutions for this. Stick someone with AS in a church and you’ll see, line I did, although I hope your experience is different, that the person with as is attacked—idle worshipper...along with so much more.
If I knew science had a way to knock out the autism gene I’d be the first in line. I know we want to love and respect out individuality and we should, but as is a robber of lives. It’s not right. And we only get one.
Don’t know how to end this poorly written banter that is going nowhere, so I’ll just end it and say thank you for reading and sorry for depressing you.
Right now I’m stuck at a deadbeat job 2 days a week for 12 hours making sure nobody steals cars—a security guard basically. And all the while I can see my life slowly ticking away. I do my best to improve things but nothing happens (10 years experience). It’s emotionally crippling knowing Asperger syndrome is the culprit and there’s not a damn thing you can do. Job coaches?? Nah!! They aren’t miracle workers.
To make things worse I’m 35 and still live at home. How do you explain you aren’t a loser to someone; it’s your AS that prevents you and no matter how hard you try things get worse and worse, they never change? I am a great writer. I had a few prose poems published in the last 4 years, but AS slows me down. The words are unable to come out. It’s not writers block because I know what I want to say and how I want to say it. I’m a clogged pipe that becomes unclogged once every few years...literally. Nobody wants to help me overcome my problems (battle it, because you never will overcome it) and I quite bc the minimal reward wasn’t worth all the blood and scars. Now I’m hoping to become a painter. I tried screen writing but realized you need people skills—yeah, as sufferers can learn those skills but it’s only half ass; you’ll be a runner running a race who has a prosthetic leg. You won’t do as well and people will still treat you differently no matter what.
I learned to make friends by being loving, caring, and giving. Don’t do that. People always care for you only if you can do something for them. When you are in need nobody is around. And do not ever stand up for yourself—even respectably like I did—because you’ll wake up to find yourself alone. As I am now at 35.
Seeing your friends (aquaintances actually) get married, have kids, realize their dreams; happy, is worse than having both arms chopped off. You end up more alone and—especially when family members die— your world grows smaller and your mind starts veering off into many unhealthy directions. I have a great gf, don’t get me wrong, but a time always comes when your emotional health shuts down and you become a zombie.
My favorite quote is from a song by Counting Crows “Today was just another day fading into another, and that can’t be what a life is for.”
I’ve prayed. Jesus never seems to be home. I’ve seen therapists and I only return home with more bills and so many pills that took me into believing everything is ok, or will be, when all the while I know they won’t. I really want to commit suicide. I don’t care who I hurt because staying alive for others becomes a burden and that isn’t the only reason to be alive. I only stay alive because I have this feeling that suicides go to hell...thank our religious institutions for this. Stick someone with AS in a church and you’ll see, line I did, although I hope your experience is different, that the person with as is attacked—idle worshipper...along with so much more.
If I knew science had a way to knock out the autism gene I’d be the first in line. I know we want to love and respect out individuality and we should, but as is a robber of lives. It’s not right. And we only get one.
Don’t know how to end this poorly written banter that is going nowhere, so I’ll just end it and say thank you for reading and sorry for depressing you.