ASDers, do you fake eye contact or not?

[SusanLR]

Yes, force yourself to look is how I would put it.
It is needed especially if you are trying to convey something sincerely.
I just can't hold a good conversation if I am having to think about eye contact and if
I'm trying to explain something or tell a story, it will only get me confused in my concentration and speech.
Same with listening.
They think you aren't if you don't look at them with some eye contact.
But, it's just the opposite for me. I won't be able to concentrate on what they are telling if I have to look
at them in the eyes. Then it won't be retained as it should.

Out in the crowd, I just don't make eye contact at people around me or just walking by.
If one should speak the expected " Hi, how are you today?"
A smile and nod is usually what I do. Sometimes I say OK in a soft tone.

 

[Andrew9833]

I only make eye contact when needed. Like when I'm talking to authority or shaking hands, or if I want to impress someone. Still, it doesn't come natural to me and I really have to put an effort into maintaining that contact. It's rather painful, so I try not to use it to often.

 

[WildCat]

How do I know others aren't faking it too or if I'm faking it myself? What is fake eye contact anyways?

I really don't have a straight answer for this without any further info, so I don't know. I do do it, yes, but I usually do it in brief stints.

 

[Azul-Infinito]

I think one of the reasons I find social interactions so exhausting, is for this very reason. I’ve studied body language, and have become quite adept at mindfully controlling it. It’s not natural, it’s not autonomic, so this ends up taking A lot of bandwidth from my mental resources. The extra focus that this takes, doesn’t help me be less awkward. LOL, but it is what it is.

 

[DCA]

If by "fake it" you mean look at their mouth or the bridge of their nose while talking, then yes.

 

[the_tortoise]

I was literally "programmed" as a child in being told by my NT parents exclusively that not looking someone in the eye projects deception.

Does that mean it's not so much a free choice as much as something you can't stop doing even when you want to stop?

However, I do dispute the wording: fake. Signifies falsehood; lying etc and that cannot be applied to ones who genuinly feel overwhelmed.

I don't mean to imply any sort of bad intent from those who force themselves to make eye contact solely because they know or believe it is expected.

 

[the_tortoise]

But, it's just the opposite for me. I won't be able to concentrate on what they are telling if I have to look
at them in the eyes.

I'm the same. I can't process everything at the same time.

How do I know others aren't faking it too or if I'm faking it myself? What is fake eye contact anyways?

I really don't have a straight answer for this without any further info, so I don't know. I do do it, yes, but I usually do it in brief stints.

If by "fake it" you mean look at their mouth or the bridge of their nose while talking, then yes.

I don't know how to explain it any better than with the comparison to forcing laughter because everyone else is laughing, even though you don't understand what they're laughing at/why they're laughing. As compared to laughing because you find something funny or are experiencing the contagious laughter phenomenon.

I suppose the boundary line isn't really clear....it just seems that some people have rules about forcing eye contact that they generalize to every situation....as opposed to just making ad hoc eye contact when one specific interaction seems to call for it, or looking at people's faces because you want to see their expression.

 

[Drakanav]

I make eye contact for 2 seconds at a time and glance around the area. People just perceive it as shyness.

 

[Judge]

Does that mean it's not so much a free choice as much as something you can't stop doing even when you want to stop?

It was simply my parents giving me an offer much like Vito Corleone and Luca Brazzi made to a bandleader which he could not refuse.

 

[the_tortoise]

It was simply my parents giving me an offer much like Vito Corleone and Luca Brazzi made to a bandleader which he could not refuse.

*nods*

 

[Alan tm]

I do limited eye contact to try and conform

 

[owlet]

I mostly imply eye contact by looking at the person's nose - and no one's noticed the difference so far. I don't find eye contact useful, as I tried it several times and ended up just getting distracted from what I was saying (I felt like I was being almost physically 'pushed back', more specifically), but I know for a lot of people (especially in formal environments) it's expected, so I do the second-best thing. I've also taken to looking at someone's nose for a while, then switching to follow their hands if they make a gesture, so I'm not looking like I'm staring them out.

 

[Phanelope]

I don’t fake it. Meaning I look at their eyes rather than another point on their face. But I can’t make eye contact when I speak. Trying to focus on words AND non verbal communication is way too hard.

 

[Alan tm]

Today this was mentioned about me.
At first I didn't know it was me they were talking about.

Saying I look away .
They said it's what liers do.

I think people who lie would look at you to really sell the story

 

[the_tortoise]

Today this was mentioned about me.
At first I didn't know it was me they were talking about.

Saying I look away .
They said it's what liers do.

I think people who lie would look at you to really sell the story

I think there is no universal way to tell who is lying to you and who is not.

The thing about averting your gaze when lying is, I think, based on the assumption that people have some kind of "tell" in their facial expression when they lie (maybe based on shame or fear of being caught or something like that).

But it totally ignores the existance of confident liars, the existance of highly skilled liars who have no tell in their facial expression, and the huge number of other reasons a person might not be making eye contact (shyness, exhaustion, being distracted, anxiety/fear/shame/embarrassment about things that have nothing to do with lying, light sensitivity, sadness, inability to focus on two channels of sensory input at the same, need for many streams of sensory input at the same time to be able to focus on one, instinctive discomfort with direct eye contact, and whatever else).

 

[Gracey]

Eyebrows and laughter lines at the corners are good targets, unless you’re distracted easily and find yourself searching for symmetry in the eyebrows.

I can and will ‘fake’ eye contact accompanied by a nodding of the head if the speakers tone of voice suggests they would like to be listened to.

At those times someone might be trusting me with something quite personal.
I feel almost duty bound to act like I’m listening.

 

[the_tortoise]

At those times someone might be trusting me with something quite personal.
I feel almost duty bound to act like I’m listening.

I would feel almost duty bound to act like I understood (often I can't follow/understand anything except the emotional tone and the fact that whatever the person is talking about is important and/or personal)....I still do, really....

It's just that now I'm kind of torn because there's no way to know if they'd prefer me to just show understanding (maybe just knowing how they feel is enough and they wouldn't care that I had no idea what most of their words were about?) or if they would see my doing so without actually knowing what they're talking about as a betrayal of trust.....

Everything changed when I realized that I wasn't using words like other people....that others tended to understand what others say to a much greater degree than I did(/do).

 

[Gracey]

I would feel almost duty bound to act like I understood (often I can't follow/understand anything except the emotional tone and the fact that whatever the person is talking about is important and/or personal)....I still do, really....

It's just that now I'm kind of torn because there's no way to know if they'd prefer me to just show understanding (maybe just knowing how they feel is enough and they wouldn't care that I had no idea what most of their words were about?) or if they would see my doing so without actually knowing what they're talking about as a betrayal of trust.....

Everything changed when I realized that I wasn't using words like other people....that others tended to understand what others say to a much greater degree than I did(/do).

Trust your ears there’s a tone of voice you’ll recognise.

I don’t admit to understanding some of what they’re telling me but the eye contact with the slow nodding head encourages them to continue.

 

[the_tortoise]

Trust your ears there’s a tone of voice you’ll recognise.

There is a tone that can me whether or not they'd take my completely not mentioning that I don't have the faintest idea what they're talking about (only how they feel about it and how important it is to them) as a betrayal of trust?

 

[Gracey]

Perhaps that’s where the ‘faking it’ comes into play?

I could be mistaken but I’m guessing that when a person reveals things about themselves to you, things they wouldn’t ordinarily tell everyone, chances are they just want to say it out loud.

Sometimes it doesn’t need understanding, or fixing, or finding solutions for.
Some people just want to tell their story and find their own clarity once they’ve done just that.

I understand ‘a betrayal of trust’ to mean not meeting an expectation or ideal.
Someone confides something personal to me, they can trust me not to blab my mouth off and announce it publicly.
Which was probably what they hoped would happen, their expectation of me.
If you mean by my not understanding everything they’re talking about makes my ‘faking it’ a betrayal of trust then I would ask
‘was it a necessity in the first place?’
Was it my job to understand everything?
If I was employed in a professional capacity as a therapist then understanding a client would be important.

In my own experiences I’ve usually listened to customers, colleagues, acquaintances, family.

It’s never been my responsibility to fix their lives. Just listen, if they want to get something off their chest.


So yes, I am mimicking. (Faking?)
Am I deliberately being devious or deceptive?
To a point yes,
because I’m not naturally equipped with what it takes to do that sort of stuff and someone has just started disclosing to me.

What can I do?
Ask them to be quiet because they’re not making sense and I don’t understand them?
I’m guessing that would hurt them.
I don’t want to add to their hurt.
Deception with no malice?