AS and relationship-theory

[iamanders]

Some asperger experts, eg. Tony Attwood, says that some men with AS choose a partner that is what we could refer to as empathetic and very neurotypical.
Stephen Shore (famous autistic autism-expert) for example, talks about him having a wife who often explains the social world to him (although I don't know what he says about this theory).
The female partner has to act somewhat motherly at certain times. It is as if the male partner hasn't really grown up when it comes to certain aspects of life. I don't know how much truth there is to this theory.

What do you say about this theory?
Is this something that you actually experienced yourself?

 

[King_Oni]

I can't really agree with it, but then again, I prefer my partners to be "out of it" as much, if not even more, than me. I have no interest in someone being a motherly type to me... but yeah, maybe it's just that I prefer to have a relationship for the fun of it and serious relationships (even though I had long ones, which might be considered serious) never really had any appeal to me.

My own experiences with women, be it the aspie women or NT women I was with; all of them had their fair amount of quirky and oddness that made them lost on this planet as a whole.

I once got together with a woman who was a bit more motherly, but I quickly told her to either stop that act or GTFO... she choose the latter, which makes me think she just was more of a caring type... probably too much of a caring type for my liking then.

 

[Spiller]

I personally tend to be attracted to women who are Atypical.. 'normal' enough to be capable of explaining peoples behavior and helping me avoid making the usual idiot of myself, but different enough to not fully relate to 'the norm'.
My last ex had OCD, my current 'interest' was born in a different culture and has suffered domestic abuse. I'm not looking to 'fix' my women, but the shared compassion and empathy attracts me immediately.
I'm not after being mothered though, I'm quite capable of independence.

 

[Judge]

I can see how some self-aware Aspies would perceive a want or need for a Neurotypical "wingman" in a relationship.

However realistically expecting to find one just because you want one is quite another matter. I'm just inclined to think that most Neurotypicals aren't up to such a task whether they are willing or not.

 

[clg114]

Some asperger experts, eg. Tony Attwood, says that some men with AS choose a partner that is what we could refer to as empathetic and very neurotypical.
Stephen Shore (famous autistic autism-expert) for example, talks about him having a wife who often explains the social world to him (although I don't know what he says about this theory).
The female partner has to act somewhat motherly at certain times. It is as if the male partner hasn't really grown up when it comes to certain aspects of life. I don't know how much truth there is to this theory.

What do you say about this theory?
Is this something that you actually experienced yourself?

My wife is a NT and is my guide to the NT world. We both have skill sets that the other can benefit from. In our case, we not only love & want each other, we need each other. The chance's of this turning out this way are slim. For this reason, I consider myself a very, very lucky man.

 

[Balkan1996]

I don't like my mother (as a person) and I don't like being taken care of. Hasn't been fully grown up? Yeah, that's true, but I think most of us can take a good care of themselves.
I disagree with this theory.

Personally, I'm attracted to 'weird' people. Someone who isn't predictable and doesn't follow all the newest fashion trends and pop culture.

 

[wyverary]

The female partner has to act somewhat motherly at certain times. It is as if the male partner hasn't really grown up when it comes to certain aspects of life. I don't know how much truth there is to this theory.

I can't speak to relationships, but I've noticed this has been something of a pattern in the female friends to whom I am closest. They are NT, but also are very good at not only giving guidance as to how to navigate the world, but yes, they seem to feel some need to take care of me. Anecdotal, of course, but my own case certainly supports this hypothesis.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Considering that my mom always said to me, "boys don't grow up, they just get bigger" and "I have three children, two girls, and a husband", I can't say I find it all that weird that the wives get cast in the role of Mom all around.

It's balanced enough between me and my husband. Not much mothering or fathering involved.

 

[Effy]

I'm a lady, and I find myself more attracted to NT men... I'm very picky, however, because so many here in TEXAS are very red state, and I'm of Christian faith (it's complicted), but I'm not interested in a southern hick who believes Texas is always right.

But I sort of wondered this about others myself, to be honest!

 

[AsheSkyler]

I'm a lady, and I find myself more attracted to NT men... I'm very picky, however, because so many here in TEXAS are very red state, and I'm of Christian faith (it's complicted), but I'm not interested in a southern hick who believes Texas is always right.

But I sort of wondered this about others myself, to be honest!

Git ye a "sophisticated country boy". Very sexy.

 

[King_Oni]

Personally, I'm attracted to 'weird' people. Someone who isn't predictable and doesn't follow all the newest fashion trends and pop culture.

But are you into them because they are weird? Or because they just seem to suit you more?

I know some people, especially in the past, thought I was interesting, just because I was an odd guy and not really because they thought I was a genuinely "fun" person to be around with. It's as if one is a prize to boast with as to say "look at how weird he is"... a neat party trick at best, lol

 

[Effy]

Git ye a "sophisticated country boy". Very sexy.

Ugh, please no.

 

[Balkan1996]

But are you into them because they are weird? Or because they just seem to suit you more?

I know some people, especially in the past, thought I was interesting, just because I was an odd guy and not really because they thought I was a genuinely "fun" person to be around with. It's as if one is a prize to boast with as to say "look at how weird he is"... a neat party trick at best, lol

That's a very good question!

I'd say both options are true because they bond with each other. I'm weird and I''m looking for a person who shares the same traits and interests. Normal people hook up with normal people, weird ones with weird. Few exceptions of course...
I'd probably consider unpredictable and weird people more sexually arousing, but that is yet to be tested.


Yeah, it feels good to be weird and fun. I relate.

 

[King_Oni]

That's a very good question!

I'd say both options are true because they bond with each other. I'm weird and I''m looking for a person who shares the same traits and interests. Normal people hook up with normal people, weird ones with weird. Few exceptions of course...
I'd probably consider unpredictable and weird people more sexually arousing, but that is yet to be tested.


Yeah, it feels good to be weird and fun. I relate.

Yeah, I guess I'm a bit of the "I'm looking someone who appreciates my weirdness" but experience tells me that unless you're carved out of the same material it's not gonna be a proper match. On the other hand, most people are odd in some way. In fact, all are, it's just that some are probably odd in a more accepted way, lol.

 

[On the Inside]

One problem with this theory, at least if used as a guide to finding a proper match is that of intentions.

Is the person "motherly" or empathetic, or caring, are they that way because they really care and are accepting of the oddness, or because they want to help (make!?) their weird partner to be more normal?

Likewise, is the weird one looking to be accepted as they are, or are they really, and I mean REALLY looking to change, to fit in, to do the hard work necessary?

I've experienced this mismatch of intention and it is no fun.