Are NTs feeding off my parents attitudes?

[Anonymous]

Hello. I have been having troubles over the last few years, with people, like everyone. However, being only 17 I was wondering if some of the more experienced auties would be able to help.

My parents often make my meltdowns worse. My mother likes to talk extremely loudly at me, especially if I Shut down due to sensory issues as she doesn't know what caused it. My father will often rant on about how I'm never going to college, going to end up in a homeless shelter, but will need to get pregnant to get in etcetera.

Over the past few years, I have had decreasing amounts and intensity of shutdowns. I have only had one at school the entire year, a really high decrease. But now my parents are doing this when I'm not shut down, and it seems to be affecting the behavior of other adults in my life.

I have taken horse lessons all my life and got my own four years ago. I switched from jumping to dressage about 2.5 years ago and changed barns. a year ago we boarded blackjack in the barn instead of our pasture. I have shut down twice in that time. Both times my mom took my phone and talked non-stop. The last situation was due to someone spraying Lysol around the barn, and as it was a sensory issue, her voice made it worse. When I calmed down and was putting blackjack away, the trainer took my mom to the side and said she would no longer keep me on her schedule. I was worried that we were going to be kicked out because of this, as the trainer had recently implemented a new rule saying that you had to have regular lessons to board. But apparently us letting her use blackjack as a lesson horse to decrease costs gets around this.

That was a few months ago, and last Friday, I accidentally broke a rule (forgot about it). This wasn't a safety rule, and it's rather uncommon in barns, so I would have thought it was obvious that it was unintentional. I only found out that night, when she messaged me via Facebook at midnight, with strong language. I shut down in my bed, to the point of having trouble breathing until 2 am when I fell asleep, and waking up partially shutdown and crying.

I have been kicked out of a barn before, but by a trainer that seemed less accepting of my issues (just shutting down, not violent or destroying things), so I brushed it off at the time. Lately, however, as my parents have gotten more verbal in public about me, I have noticed an increase in incidents like these. At the same time, I get incidents with other riders who calm me down in the moment and are really helpful at keeping me engaged but dismiss my long term issues. my trainer was one of these.

My questions are, how likely is it that others are reacting to my parents' attitudes, versus acting on their own impulses? How can I change this? and am I really using autism as an excuse? (parents' main complaint when not escalated.)

 

[GadAbout]

Loud talking and ranting, such as you describe, can be unnerving even to NTs. This may result in other people using distancing maneuvers to keep the emotional temperature within reason. In a business relationship, such as a boarding stable, other people may choose to forego the relationship rather than listening to it.

If your parents blame their speech style on you, then people will choose to distance from you as well.

I do think it would be good to make your parents aware of how their speech style affects both you and other people. But I don't know how you can do this, without becoming the target of their scorn, ridicule and denial. If you can enlist an advocate, such as a favorite teacher, therapist or sympathetic relative, perhaps they could broach the subject. That is what I would recommend. But even if it's done diplomatically, it may be hard for your parents to change their style.

Good luck, and have fun with riding, a great sport and form of exercise.

 

[Anonymous]

I have done so multiple times before. It takes months for any change, and then they forget after I have a long period without meltdowns, then they deny it ever happened. My current therapist is non-confrontational, and even when we agree on something it is forgotten or ignored at home. My last therapist was an advocate for me against my parents and school, but as I grew older she kept comparing me to her daughter and treating me worse cause I had better grades. I have spoken to the teachers and counselors, but they say the generic they have your best interests at heart speech. My IEP teacher who is supposed to be on my side is the one that gave them the idea I was using my autism as an excuse. Plus, even my parents admit that it's not a good idea for too much interaction with relatives. They used to comment without restraint, but one mom took me home early and stranded dad 2 hours away, I can interact ok when she is there. when dad takes me he joins them.

I used to be able to make headway with my mother when alone, but now she claims I frustrate her and the only time she listens to me is after the fact. when I Approach her beforehand she storms off at any suggestion or disagreement. that could have contributed to my scatterbrainedness on Friday. She literally threw down the mane/tail brush in front of him that she volunteered to help with when I told her his hair was matting with all the spray-on conditioner she was using. I used every brush without a word to try to undo it before bringing it up too. Sticky horse fur is not a good feeling.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi you are dependant on your parents and this makes asserting your wants and needs and them adjusting is very tricky, i don't believe you are using your Autism as a excuse but only wanting reasonable adjustments so you can feel balanced and ok, not sure what to advise but hopefully being able to get others perspectives will be helpful.

 

[Varzar]

My questions are, how likely is it that others are reacting to my parents' attitudes, versus acting on their own impulses?

Very likely that others will react to your parents' attitudes.. People, particularly NTs, shape their attitudes and behaviours based on those around them all the time.

How can I change this?

If you've got your dad telling you you're going to end up homeless, that's not exactly a very supportive home environment.
From what you've described of your parents, you probably can't change them.
I would say you're the one that's going to have to change.. And by that, I mean, you're probably going to have to learn to mask your AS, to "fit in" with your parents and trainers and teachers..
They aren't accepting you for you, so.. Until you become independent, have your own work, and can move out, learning to mask and just get along with them is probably going to be your best bet..

and am I really using autism as an excuse? (parents' main complaint when not escalated.)

Doesn't particularly sound like it.. Sounds more like they just don't understand what autism means and/or are unable to adapt their behaviour to be supportive of you..

 

[Anonymous]

Any advice as to how to "parent-proof" relationships with other adults? I have online support in a gaming community, but all my real-life interactions fall apart over time.

 

[Varzar]

Any advice as to how to "parent-proof" relationships with other adults? I have online support in a gaming community, but all my real-life interactions fall apart over time.

I would think the only way to do that is to have them not involved in your relationships with other adults.
Try to separate them from the other people you interact with in life... Not always going to be practical when they are likely still paying for things (like riding lessons) for you.. But, as much as possible, you can try to interact with other adults without your parents being involved.

Basically, work towards more independence from your parents.. e.g. Drive yourself where you need to go, or take transit.. Pick up some part time work you can do (without compromising your schooling) to start earning some money to pay for your own things (like your own vehicle even), so you can continue to become more independent from them..

It's not going to happen overnight, but something you can totally work towards.

 

[Aspychata]

I would think the only way to do that is to have them not involved in your relationships with other adults.
Try to separate them from the other people you interact with in life... Not always going to be practical when they are likely still paying for things (like riding lessons) for you.. But, as much as possible, you can try to interact with other adults without your parents being involved.

Basically, work towards more independence from your parents.. e.g. Drive yourself where you need to go, or take transit.. Pick up some part time work you can do (without compromising your schooling) to start earning some money to pay for your own things (like your own vehicle even), so you can continue to become more independent from them..

It's not going to happen overnight, but something you can totally work towards.

These are all good points. Once you are able to establish your independence then you establish grownup relationships with no interference from parents. This is kind of emotional emeshment. You may do something that sets them off in their mind, they come back with they same pattern of your mom talking really loudly, then if you respond continuously in the same way, meltdown, then this pattern happens over and over- it's emotional emeshment, and you and mom are reliving this over and over- these dynamics.
So l guess when your mother starts to push your buttons, you need to avoid meltdown, and tell her, you are doing this loud talking, and wish you wouldn't talk that way to me. This is just an idea. You may come up with a better way to handle.