Apologies for introducing myself this way

[CalDomine]

Saturday - 9am
My supervisor, let's call her Claire, who had no knowledge of a certain incident, defended the man who abused my good nature on shift a few weeks ago.
When she did this, my fuse was immediately cut short and my anxiety came into play.
I went from calm to near meltdown in a matter of seconds.
I became silent and closed off to try to appear normal, whilst stimming to counteract all of the negativity.
I was filled with rage and became locked between meltdown and shutdown.
It wasn't until other members of staff appeared that the stimming started to calm me down, and then I had to worry about acting normally social with the others.
This is when the depression took hold of me.
I needed time to recharge but didn't get it until 3 hours later.
This was a negative jolt in my morning that has made me uncomfortable all day.
I began to use more hidden stims than flapping my hands, to ensure all was concealed.
I am now exhausted, and it's only 12:15pm.
As some might say, it took too many of my spoons to regain my state of mind, which has still not been fully retained.
Dizzy spells are also rearing their ugly heads, and I'm finding it difficult not to enter my glazed stare in order to block everything out and find myself.
I turned to writing in order to distract me.
Struggling to make eye contact today.
Much more than a second is causing my eyes to start watering and I have to look away.

All of this came the day after a sensitive day, when I really needed to recharge.

As the title suggests, I am sorry that I introduced myself this way, but I needed to get this out.

My name is Cal, and I am new here.
I've been reading in silence for a few weeks and have been amazed and comforted by the level of support I have seen here.
You all seem like wonderful people.

Please, feel free to share a bad day that you need to get off your chest.

 

[flowers]

Hello Cal, welcome welcome! Nothing to be sorry about.

I am sorry you are going through this. Hope you can get to a safe place to decompress and recharge soon.

The way you wrote this out is very good at describing what it feels like. I also write at work to keep calm, but usually just copying passages out of books (like today) since it is difficult to construct sentences accurate enough to how I feel. I admire your writing! Hope you are doing better soon.

 

[CalDomine]

Thank you very much.
I started writing as a coping mechanism when I was 14, coping with depression and suicidal tendancies, and I transitioned from word vomit to silence as I became more and more competent with the written word.
If there's no safe place, create one on paper.

Anyway, thank you for the welcome and it's lovely to meet you.

 

[Mia]

Hi Cal and welcome to a place where everyone understands exactly what you've written.

Likely would have done the exact same thing under the circumstances, because my inability to respond
without going ballistic would have made me angry and forced me to shutdown.

There is nothing worse than being misunderstood, nothing more frustrating than needing time to think and react and
wait until you can do so calmly.

Write the entire incident out and give it to Clare. Explain to her that's its better for you to communicate in this way,
and perhaps from this day forward you will write things down if you have a grievance, so there is no misunderstanding.
Request an apology after things are made clear.

 

[Judge]

No apologies necessary here, Cal. Welcome to AC.

 

[CalDomine]

Hello, Mia, and thank you for your response.
Nothing would make me feel more accomplished than doing so.
But I'm scared.
Scared of not being respected in work because of my disability.
I have been a professional actor from a young age, and that has given me many a script to work from to appear normal.
My true self still manages to wriggle through, but for the most part I have convinced these people that, whilst slightly unusual, I am normal.
It is only through failed attempts at cloaking myself that I have become so adept at it.
I currently hold a good standing with those in charge in this job.
I'm a hard worker, even when I have to struggle through.

This is all new to me, and I'm just scared.

 

[CalDomine]

Judge, thank you so much.
I'm thankful that I can talk to my partner about these things, but it's so reassuring to talk to people experiencing the same.

 

[Judge]

Judge, thank you so much.
I'm thankful that I can talk to my partner about these things, but it's so reassuring to talk to people experiencing the same.

You'll likely discover here that you have a lot in common with many of us.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
Being treated unfairly (in this case the supervisor defending the guilty party) is actually one of the most difficult things to handle HFA or NT. You shouldn't feel bad about a strong reaction. But I encourage you to continue to experiment with ways of coping so that others are not aware. Its just a lot easier to keep some things to ourselves. I think my main method was losing myself in the work.

That is not to say you should just accept bad treatment by anyone at work. That you should not keep to yourself, but continue to oppose. You can't control how the boss with react but you will feel better about things having tried.

 

[CalDomine]

Hi Tom, and thank you for your response.
That was the plan.
It can get very difficult to stick to script when every script you know says to explode.
My mind offers no alternative, but if I lose my job, life will be nigh on impossible to survive, as it isn't easy to get a job in this climate, let alone when you have to deal with all of this.
I think the only option available is to quietly fight on, and try to find time I recharge - Accepting that as a necessity rather than a choice I am making.

 

[Tom]

Hi Tom, and thank you for your response.
That was the plan.
It can get very difficult to stick to script when every script you know says to explode.
My mind offers no alternative, but if I lose my job, life will be nigh on impossible to survive, as it isn't easy to get a job in this climate, let alone when you have to deal with all of this.
I think the only option available is to quietly fight on, and try to find time I recharge - Accepting that as a necessity rather than a choice I am making.

Yeah, that was one of the main reasons I choose to loose myself in the work. It depends on what the work is, but if you just hyper focus on that it can help block out other thoughts, and quite importantly, its a thing that actually improves your standing at work by being percieved as a dedicated worker. Its also something that someone can not easily interrupt or intrude on. They don't have to know its so you don't pop your cork.

 

[Aspieistj]

I think I might have said, now at my great age and experience, (to the boss) "I'm sorry but I can't continue to talk right now because I am quite uncomfortable and need time to clear my thinking. In no way do I feel this conversation is over, but I am on the Autism spectrum and need some time to gather my thoughts so I can finish this conversation without losing control. I really want to revisit this conversation in** minutes after I have had time to decide what I really need to say without losing control. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation in this stressful situation.
If I were still working, and know what I now understand about myself, I would like to deal with this situation in this manner. I wouldn't be agreeing or disagreeing with any criticism but I would ask for the concession so I could present myself while in control. If I know beforehand I may be in this kind of situation I write down key words that I know I will block so I can speak and act fairly well in control. We Aspies deserve this much concession if it isn't demanded frequently.

 

[CalDomine]

Aspieistj, that was very insightful, and will definitely be taken on board, provided I can summon up the courage.
I agree with you completely that the concession is deserved, and hope the situation plays itself out as one of the better scenarios in my head.
As I said, this is all new to me, and to have the wisdom of somebody who has lived it is very much appreciated.
I think the majority of my problem is not knowing how to stand up for my psychological needs without exploding.
But you have given me a lot to think about.

 

[Slithytoves]

Hi and welcome, Cal.

As others have said, you describe a response that many of us here can relate to. I'm glad you shared it, and that you've ended your lurk to become an active part of the AC family.

I like what Aspieistj suggested you might say to your boss. Disclosure at work always entails and element of risk, but doing it the way she suggested not only provides useful insight but also demonstrates that being on the spectrum doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of personal control. Many an NT doesn't have the presence of mind in such situations to hold their tongue and retreat to regroup before reacting. The fact that you do, and know that you do, would speak of well of you, and by extension, of people with Asperger's in general.

I hope you've been able to reconcile your bad day and are feeling better about things now.

 

[CalDomine]

Hello, Slithytoves, I'm glad I've become an active member too - Just took some time to plan things out.
Joining a conversation is one thing I find nearly impossible, starting one is just as difficult.

I do feel a lot better about today, knowing there are things I can do to stand the ground I need in order to gather myself.
Everybody has been so supportive and I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[Mia]

Nothing would make me feel more accomplished than doing so.
But I'm scared.
Scared of not being respected in work because of my disability.

CalDomine,

You don't have to mention in your account anything about having a disability. You could simply say that you can understand situations better when you write them out. That you think more clearly when writing. In that manner you would be able to give your account of what occurred, as opposed to the one sided account that Clare has already heard. Many people are able to be clearer when writing and much more able to think when doing so.

 

[qwerty]

Hi CalDomine welcome aboard

Man you described your situation well, I have felt that struggle
to avoid slipping into glazed eye mode, and how sometimes it
just seems easier to keep it locked in rather than talk about
Spectrum issues, especially when your struggling to just get
through the day.

Maybe when you are feeling more confident you could disclose
to your boss as Slithytoves and others have suggested.
Full disclosure (not to everyone) but to your employer can give
you options.
At the end of the day your employer really simply wants to
have people who can do the job, the more efficiently the better
If you explain that you have some ideas on how to be more productive
and efficient which entail acknowledging your Aspergers and that
there are some very positive traits, eg incredible focus and others
you can think of which if respected and utilised in the workplace
properly would be a major asset, then they will take you seriously.

Good luck, I know many people here have been where your at
We have your back

 

[CalDomine]

Hi CalDomine welcome aboard

Man you described your situation well, I have felt that struggle
to avoid slipping into glazed eye mode, and how sometimes it
just seems easier to keep it locked in rather than talk about
Spectrum issues, especially when your struggling to just get
through the day.

Maybe when you are feeling more confident you could disclose
to your boss as Slithytoves and others have suggested.
Full disclosure (not to everyone) but to your employer can give
you options.
At the end of the day your employer really simply wants to
have people who can do the job, the more efficiently the better
If you explain that you have some ideas on how to be more productive
and efficient which entail acknowledging your Aspergers and that
there are some very positive traits, eg incredible focus and others
you can think of which if respected and utilised in the workplace
properly would be a major asset, then they will take you seriously.

Good luck, I know many people here have been where your at
We have your back

I simply cannot get over the people on this forum.
Never before have I encountered such unbridled acceptance and support.
Bless each and every one of you.

 

[camerartus]

Thank you for sharing. My aspie friend also uses the phrase about spoons.

 

[Progster]

Hi Cal, and welcome to the forum. I also find it helps me to process and manage my emotions if I write them down - I guess that is one reason why I post so often on this forum. There is also a ranting thread where you can get things off your chest when you need to. It helps a lot, because there are some issues I can't talk to people about in real life, and I don't express myself so well verbally, either.