anybody here super anti social?

[ChrisC1983]

ok so by definition everybody probably is to a degree..... but i mean, in my case.. while i want to talk to people and have a g/f and a close friend (maybe even 2.. never over 3) i pretty much can't open my mouth without having a minor panic attack. whether it be to order a coffee or say "hi" to a stranger
i like babbling once i'm comfortable... i'm a pretty sarcastic SOB but i can tone it down depending on who i'm around so it's acceptable. but i can't bring myself to initiate any type of conversation without dire necessity (before grubhub.com i never ordered food.. i still don't want to use uber because you need to sometimes tell them where you're going) and i don't get the whole back and fourth thing with conversations. person A talks, then B, a/b/a/b so-on but if i ask something like "how is your day" and they say "it's ok" it shuts me down. even when i follow it with something like "anything wrong?" i've never had anybody go into more detail so that's the end of the conversation and we never speak again usually.

basically... was anybody comparable and if so, how did you fix it? i dont need to be a social butterfly but i'd settle for the guy who hides in the corner at a party (right now the thought of that many people just scares the crap out of me)

 

[Sylar]

You're not alone, I can't force myself to speak out loud to people no matter how much I want to and haven't left the house alone since 2011. I did try when I was at college (I finished it in 2011) and anything I said was either an awkward monotonous sentence or some grunting noise. If anything I've gotten worse, at least at college I had to be around people even if I didn't speak. I only have one friend I met when we were both 12 and I rarely see him since I became a shut in. Now all of my social interactions outside of the family members who live in my house are done through text online. I can't even speak to grandparents or cousins anymore.

As for fixing it, I'm at a loss. I've gone to many therapy meetings and even had a social worker and all of them said they didn't know what to do.

 

[Judge]

The thread title had me envisioning a superhero in tights exiting a phone booth, headed AWAY from people of any kind.

I can handle people in groups...but prefer them to be in small doses. And I cherish my solitude. I do live in a relative form of isolation. Does that make me truly "anti-social"? I'm not honestly sure...but I could see some folks assuming that.

 

[ChrisC1983]

The thread title had me envisioning a superhero in tights exiting a phone booth, headed AWAY from people of any kind.

I can handle people in groups...but prefer them to be in small doses. And I cherish my solitude. I do live in a relative form of isolation. Does that make me truly "anti-social"? I'm not honestly sure...but I could see some folks assuming that.

i wouldn't mine being in a small police box.. at 1 point i even had setup a way (didn't do it) to fit every basic necessity within that small of a space (it was actually a recliner i was thinking of at the time lol)
i'm OK (not great) in small groups.. but i still don't really talk. i'll respond but i can't bring myself to initiate conversation (so.. A: "how are you?" B: "fine" and thats it.. no "i'm fine, how are you")

I can speak for my husband's social anxiety. When he was a teenager he was supposed to go on a trip to europe with his buddies from the chess club. He saved pocket money for two years to do this. When the time came to make the plane reservations everyone backed out, so he went alone.

He flew to France and traveled by train on a student pass throughout europe. At some point along the way, I think he was in Italy at the time, he realized how incredibly alone and lonely he was. He understood that if he didn't talk to anyone, no one would talk to him. So, he began talking to people he met along the way. Sometimes they didn't understand english, and sometimes they did. He met many people, and had lots of adventures, even met a girl in Italy and her family. He went everywhere by train, with his backpack and along the way he found himself.

It was within a year of his return from this trip, that we met.

i can't say i've ever really wanted to travel.. but i do want to be somewhere else. the one thing i've noticed about me is that when i know i can do something.. i can do it. and i know i'm OK in a small town (actually was in one for a while.. trapped with an ex.. but the town was OK. i didn't talk to many people because my ex was crazy.. (jealous of everybody.. and more) but i knew i could and the few things i did say made me sure i could (like less stress ordering a coffee)

You're not alone, I can't force myself to speak out loud to people no matter how much I want to and haven't left the house alone since 2011. I did try when I was at college (I finished it in 2011) and anything I said was either an awkward monotonous sentence or some grunting noise. If anything I've gotten worse, at least at college I had to be around people even if I didn't speak. I only have one friend I met when we were both 12 and I rarely see him since I became a shut in. Now all of my social interactions outside of the family members who live in my house are done through text online. I can't even speak to grandparents or cousins anymore.

As for fixing it, I'm at a loss. I've gone to many therapy meetings and even had a social worker and all of them said they didn't know what to do.

i'm not far off.. i don't call it grunting but i will do that muddled "hey" with a head nod. i always had.. but it's a lot more often now. and other such monosyllabic responses. i do work in an antique co-op but it's getting severely stressful and happening quicker than usual. as far as the friend thing.. i also have 1 friend i talk to (rarely, online only... talked once on the phone but it was rough. i seemed OK but i know it was rough) and i even have known him since about 12. long story short, my father had a bipolar breakdown at 12 and this friend was around when it happened... so i think he understood everything before hand (i only had 3 friends tops in my life) and now we're have a lot of similar problems in our lives so we get eachother but i still can't talk much. and i know he should be the person i'm able to talk to without an issue so it scares me to think what would happen if i lived alone (with my father now.. but that does bug me. not just because i'm 31 and living with my father.. but because somebody else is in the house.

 

[watersprite]

I'm working with a therapist to improve. I'm female, have developed mask and scripts over time. My ability to talk goes from 0 to overkill and except for 5 to 10 minutes max using scripts my people skills are almost 0. On top of that I tend to swear whenever I feel like it, and have dark humor which is not appropriate for a woman or so I've been told. Hopefully I haven't made AC folks turned off to me, but I worry about that.

 

[ChrisC1983]

I'm working with a therapist to improve. I'm female, have developed mask and scripts over time. My ability to talk goes from 0 to overkill and except for 5 to 10 minutes max using scripts my people skills are almost 0. On top of that I tend to swear whenever I feel like it, and have dark humor which is not appropriate for a woman or so I've been told. Hopefully I haven't made AC folks turned off to me, but I worry about that.

what do you mean by masks and "AC folks"? i understand the scripts.. a good chunk of my talking is just repeating movies/TV shows i seen whether it be a direct quote, or as close as i can remember, or just me building off of it (so, when dads girlfriend feels weird about coming over... she's super nice and thinks i want much more dad time than i do... but anyway, when she doesn't want to come over i'll say or atleast instantly think "take some pepto bismal, get dressed, and get over here.. i'm tired of this stuff" from Ferris Buelers Day Off.... i don't always say it but basically the options are saying that, something comparable, question the action, or don't talk)
is the swearing partly a tourettes type of thing (random times) or just a lingering anger or simply a way of speaking (maybe from hearing too much swearing growing up or even recently.. so it may be applicable to the sentence such as "i stubbed my ****ing toe" (indicates a high level of pain and annoyance) but still wouldn't be a socially accepted thing

feel free to message me about it if you want, i try not to sidetrack posts with conversations but it sounded pretty similar (i also have a dark sense of humor and i enjoy puns and literal irony) but i love analyzing lol. i like to imagine in a parallel universe i'm basically sheldon cooper lol

 

[watersprite]

Short reply: by AC folks I meant Aspie Central members. Masks means that when I have to talk to people for any length of time I have a sort of fake me (?). It works sometimes to make me seems sort of social. That can get me in trouble if people think I can maintain it. I can't be properly social in new situations. And the mask falls to pieces and blows away in noisy, stressful and/or crowded places.

 

[Judge]

Short reply: by AC folks I meant Aspie Central members. Masks means that when I have to talk to people for any length of time I have a sort of fake me (?). It works sometimes to make me seems sort of social. That can get me in trouble if people think I can maintain it. I can't be properly social in new situations. And the mask falls to pieces and blows away in noisy, stressful and/or crowded places.

Sounds totally like my own experience. I'd go a step further and clarify that for myself, quite often "masking" more often than not simply means saying to a group of people what I think they want to hear. Enough only to keep the focus off me, so I don't stand out as the one who says little or nothing or just seems "odd" to the others.

Of course the process becomes more genuine if the discussion involves something I can relate to. Then I can contribute, thinking more about the subject matter than just how I might appear to others.

And yes, if such socialization involves complete strangers or people who have overt control over me, the whole process becomes quite challenging. Which can sometimes end in "flight"...if it gets too overwhelming for me. One of my worst nightmares....

No, I don't ultimately consider myself to be "anti-social". But like so many Aspies, socialization itself is a struggle for me unless I have achieved some kind of comfort level at the outset.

 

[ChrisC1983]

Short reply: by AC folks I meant Aspie Central members. Masks means that when I have to talk to people for any length of time I have a sort of fake me (?). It works sometimes to make me seems sort of social. That can get me in trouble if people think I can maintain it. I can't be properly social in new situations. And the mask falls to pieces and blows away in noisy, stressful and/or crowded places.

ahh ok. in my case this is the only place i've felt comfortable talking about whatever in almost any manner i would like. so 1 post i may sound like a stuck up pompous jackass (and i'm aware of it.. or i have to others anyway) and another i sound fine or just a little weird (again, going by what others have said when i had similar conversations with them) and i know it's possible some here still see it that way so i may apologize or such before/after the post...... but i also believe everybody here atleast understands where i'm coming from (good or bad) so the understanding helps kick out the judgement. i can't know if that mindset would work for you, but it's a possibility if you haven't tried it yet.

as far as a mask.. i've never said it in that way before but it's certainly applicable. myself, i smile and laugh at just about anything. sometimes i know its inappropriate but my default response (smile/laugh) trumps my thought process. so after i smile/laugh i can usually figure out a good appropriate response (i may not be genuine about it.. for example, somebody hits their head.. no blood or nothing, just like bumping off a table going to tie your shoe or such.. i smile/laugh instantly. then can stop and think and finally say something like "are you ok?" even if i believe it was a light bump and you should be fine so i've already decided they should be fine. but i know thats rude so i need to ask... there's a lot of rules and regulations behind everything. i've become very good at lieing to look "normal") but if it's a new situation (new place or new people.. even if that means it's somewhere i'm comfortable with 3 family members and an uncle i don't see often.. he's enough to make me quiet) then i pretty much stay shut down. i may still have a small smile now and then but i can't correct myself or even follow through with a verbal laugh most of the time.

as judge mentioned.... i go by what i believe people want to hear. based on what i've heard 1 say to another in those situations throughout my life with some variation given to how well i know them or not and how comfortable i am. as long as i'm somewhat comfortable i can usually push out an expected response (but not always, so it goes to my default laugh/smile/quiet options) so i don't get a chance to me.. ever. and at this point it's crushing me.

 

[watersprite]

Thanks@ChrisC1983 That first part about allowing myself to just say what I feel & think here; I am gradually doing that more and more. To reduce some of the crushed feeling you said at the bottom, does posting here and getting responses help? (It helps me)
Yesterday I got a weird look from a new person I had to interact with. I was stressed and said some dumb thing off the top of my head because it was a new situation. Then the "movie clip" of the interaction replays dozens of times in my mind until I come up with what to say for the next time I go there. (A place I buy local produce)

 

[King_Oni]

Perhaps I'm struggling a bit with the "anti-social" label in that I don't really consider anti-social behaviour to be socially inept behaviour.

Anti-social to me is more of a desire to not mix in with others, perhaps even actively going out of way to make sure you don't have to. I mean, the DSM at some point had a fancy label going for "anti-social personality disorder". It probably borders more on sociopathy.

And a desire to not actively mix in with others does seem to be more me. i'm only marginally socially inept; but rather than anxiety to speak to people I have no desire to talk to people. I mean, I know I could, but I tend to have more of this "why don't you get hit by a bus" attitude when it comes to other people. And that's pretty much the behaviour I've had for most of my life, and perhaps why therapists have wanted to put that anti-social personality disorder label on me. But as it is, I'm totally happy living on that proverbial cloud like it's a pedestal.

But I suppose I'm not extremely on that spectrum; I interact with plenty of folks here and every once in a while hang out with friends, but I just don't have any interest to do so on a regular basis... at this rate; about once a week is really plenty to interact with someone in person, but I wouldn't mind cutting down that a bit so I can focus a bit more on other things at times.

 

[watersprite]

Perhaps I drifted into what I have to do to survive social interaction that is mandatory for a certain level of existing in a way or to a level I have chosen as healthy for me. I have also chosen not to pursue friends in town here, because of past experience. My recent testing at the neuropsych and other times did not show anti-social behavior but did show a lot of anxiety. In order to reduce that anxiety, I shun all the usual in real life social stuff that most people enjoy.

 

[ChrisC1983]

@king i actually want to talk to people (though very limited.. i'm good with 3 people at any time. and i'd like 1 to be a girlfriend.. so i think if i had a g/f and 2 kids i would be maxed out and go back to appearing anti-social because i wouldn't have a desire to be around anybody else. i would just go out for the kids and g/f sake.
but i have had plenty of "**** off and die" moments with people. a lot of times when it's a totally new person approaching i have a "please don't talk to me" but i do believe there are far too many people in existence and the movie "idiocracy" will come true at this pace.

i don't desire a lot of interaction (except for a g/f.. i can pretty much go from meeting to living together within a week. but i know that's really going to screw me up if i'm wrong so i just stay away from the situations all together.. it sucks) i would say once a week or so would be fine, especially for actually going out. it certainly can be seen as a problem when comparing to more social people (most of my family for example.. my father and aunt are social butterflies. my aunt runs an assisted living center and bounces around chatting with people all day.. my father works at a bar as a doorman and because the patrons are mostly younger than i am he's like their father.. some of them even bring new boyfriends by just for him to approve or disapprove lol) but myself, the thought of a bar scares the crap out of me. i don't want to be in a situation where somebody may invite me to a bar because of the crowd
and if you're fine with that, i don't really see a problem. you're at a level you want to be, it's not unhealthy for you (others maybe, but not you) so it doesn't really hurt anybody. it may bum some of your friends out but they need to accept it as part of you.. and good friends will.. and maybe chat online or some other way you may be more comfortable with when you dont want to physically see them.

or such is my thought... i enjoy research, everything is like a learning experience to me and people watching was just fantastic to me. and i've dabbled in psych stuff (during the research.. my "dabbling" is a 5+hr indepth research into a topic without any real brake)

 

[Judge]

Perhaps I'm struggling a bit with the "anti-social" label in that I don't really consider anti-social behaviour to be socially inept behaviour.

Anti-social to me is more of a desire to not mix in with others, perhaps even actively going out of way to make sure you don't have to. I mean, the DSM at some point had a fancy label going for "anti-social personality disorder". It probably borders more on sociopathy.

Important distinctions. Thanks for posting. Geez, we're all here socializing. It isn't a dirty word. It's just something which can be problematic for us from an NT perspective. But inside this domain, it's amazing how incredibly well many of us can communicate so succinctly.

On our own terms, we all rock.

 

[NateSean]

I wouldn't say that I'm anti-social. I'd prefer to be called uncle-social. Joking aside, I am not anti social so much as I am very critical of the company I keep. This could be seen as anti-social, but really it's more of a matter of my mental and physical health that keeps me from getting too close to 99% of the population.

 

[ChrisC1983]

Important distinctions. Thanks for posting. Geez, we're all here socializing. It isn't a dirty word. It's just something which can be problematic for us from an NT perspective. But inside this domain, it's amazing how incredibly well many of us can communicate so succinctly.

On our own terms, we all rock.

i've actually said something (on this site i think) something to the effect of if there was a small physical community like this.. like a gated community or such, i think we would do fantastic. sure we'd be weird to everybody else but who cares? we would be like the show "Eureka" creating all this wild crazy stuff because we're free to think how we want without fear of judgement.

 

[Shiznown]

 

[Beverly]

You are definitely not alone. While I have learned how to interact relatively effectively, it is not natural for me, it is a learned skill that requires my full attention and thought.

When you ask "How was your day?" and they respond "It was okay." what they really mean is "I think it was just another boring, normal day for me, noting really bad or really good happened so, I don't have anything to say about my day." Most NTs won't say all of that so, you have to assume that is what their short reply means. Then, you should move on to a different subject such as "Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend?"

I know, it's hard when NTs use short answers that don't give you enough information, but to them they did give you the information, they interpret and read between the lines better than we do and, do not need to hear every intended word spoken aloud. That is also why we are often accuse of providing too much information, we say exactly what we mean, in detail, just as we prefer to hear things but, for them that is not expect nor required and, sometimes not even wanted. I still can't get that right all of the time, but I keep trying.