Any Tips on how to get better with conversation

[matt000333]

I'm 28 be 29 in August and feel like I have actually regressed conversation skill wise have barely any friends I used to try and memorize stuff from the internet I like listening to other people more then myself talk but im just not sure what kids of questions I need to ask them about their self my mind goes blank alot on what to say to people and I dont want to bore them either anyways anyone improve their social skills how did you do it?

 

[Thinx]

I did a lot of personal and group therapy as a young person although I didn't know I was on the autistic spectrum then, and I gradually gained confidence and solved a lot of issues too. I would say joining a group of supportive others in some way is very likely to help, it could be a therapy group, or a class in something you are good at, or a group that's about self development in some way. If you are interested you could try a basic counselling skills class, that'd teach you about helping people to talk, and your willingness to listen would be valued there.

 

[Progster]

This is going to sound strange, but a lot of the books for adults learning English teach conversation and communication skills, such as intonation, greetings, small talk, etc. They teach these skills, because non-native English speakers visiting an English speaking country often face similar challenges. They are accompanied by a CD containing the dialogue spoken by actors - actually quite good if you are wanting to sound natural. The Headway series is quite good for this, obviously you would need the advanced level.

Otherwise, you could get family members or friends to role play to help you practise and hone your conversation skills.

 

[Bolletje]

Practice, practice, practice. If you feel self-conscious and it keeps you from engaging with people, it will make your conversation skills rusty.

 

[WereBear]

My own feeling is that we don't get enough practice, especially during school years, when most people are "practicing" all the time! But it bored me, and it wasn't until I found people who liked to talk about art and ideas that I was comfortable.

 

[Tom]

Find an elevator and position yourself near the control buttons. When some people enter and you start moving hit the alarm buzzer and scream like you are falling. Then say you were just joking. That should start up a lively conversation.

 

[Mary Anne]

Find an elevator and position yourself near the control buttons. When some people enter and you start moving hit the alarm buzzer and scream like you are falling. Then say you were just joking. That should start up a lively conversation.

Please don’t do that! He was joking!!!!!!

 

[Mary Anne]

I'm 28 be 29 in August and feel like I have actually regressed conversation skill wise have barely any friends I used to try and memorize stuff from the internet I like listening to other people more then myself talk but im just not sure what kids of questions I need to ask them about their self my mind goes blank alot on what to say to people and I dont want to bore them either anyways anyone improve their social skills how did you do it?

Could you get a minimal job where you occasionally talk to people? Like movie ticket taker, car wash attendant, gas station attendant, etc? These are jobs where little conversation is needed but just enough to practice.

 

[OlLiE]

start out by talking to people you trust, pe family, then friends

start by talking about a subject that interest you with people that can contribute in a way that interests you

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I got better at it with practice. Try and put yourself out there a bit more, look friendly. My issue was that I always looked really diffident and so people thought I didn't want to socialise. If you get used to people initiating with you and observing how, one day you'll be able to initiate yourself. I've studied conversation pretty hard. People also love to talk about themselves so questions, questions, questions. Every time someone says something, follow it up with a question. Ask people about their experiences and interests. Works a charm. Good luck!

 

[Sozdatelniza]

I get the same problems over and over. I had often situation where I stood with an interlocutor without saying a word because I don't know what to talk about. They took a French leave in the wake of it.

But the most strange thing is that I am the one who quickly finds themes to keep the conversation going on.

I think it depends on how I know the interlocutor and how similar our interests are. Self-confidence plays an important role as well. I just start the conversation what I'm thinking right now without thinking how spontaneous it might be.

Of course it's risky because it might be uninteresting for interlocutor to listen.
On the other side if you lose that interlocutor - it's fine because it means your interests are too different.

 

[Dalton]

This may or may not help, but i took these online courses Online Courses - Anytime, Anywhere | Udemy and has helped me a lot. If you would like to know which courses i took that helped me just be sure to ask!

 

[tducey]

Find an interest and find others who are interested in the same thing. I've been helped this yr. by joining a hockey pool group chat on Twitter. It's great to converse with other adults about various subjects.

 

[Pondering]

1. Surprisingly, I learned a lot about conversation and social interaction by taking a theatre class. Playwrights have to be very socially intelligent to be successful, and we as actors/actresses would read/perform/interpret the scripts of many successful plays. It forced me to take initiative and take on new perspectives I wouldn't have taken into account otherwise. Also, theatre is full of really unusual people who talk about the strangest things, and if you listen to them talk to each other for long enough, you might get the gist of it. I'm not saying to eaves drop. I'm saying be observant to different conversation styles and adapt to make it your own. Use other conversations as reference.

2. watching Youtube videos on how to hold an interesting conversation with anyone.

3. Break the script that has been etched into your mind: "hi, how are you?" "Good, thanks, how are you?", "Soo . . ." Nuh uh. Dare to be random. Be weird:

'So I read an interesting article that said the point one percent of bacteria that doesn't die when you use antibacterial hand sanitizer . . .'

'When was the last time you drank some of that dihydrogen monoxide?'

4. People naturally like it when you take interest in them. They like to talk about themselves (not necessarily a bad thing). Ask questions about the other person. Topics: family, job/career, hobbies/interests, movies/music/food. Everyone has opinions. EVERYONE. Ask them what they think or how they feel about various things. What do you think about cloning? What do you think would happen if scientists brought back mammoths? You're on a deserted island and you can only bring two things - what do you bring? What were you like as a kid? Who really inspires you? Who is your favorite actor and why? You can get to know someone very well by asking them random, irrelevant questions. If you want to get to know them REALLY well, ask them the same questions you would want to be asked and the same questions you have to ask yourself to better understand yourself.

5. Initiate a game of 'would you rather'.

 

[Mattymatt]

I'm 28 be 29 in August and feel like I have actually regressed conversation skill wise have barely any friends I used to try and memorize stuff from the internet I like listening to other people more then myself talk but im just not sure what kids of questions I need to ask them about their self my mind goes blank alot on what to say to people and I dont want to bore them either anyways anyone improve their social skills how did you do it?

Here is what I learned that always worked for me. Since a conversation is essentially a two party communication, start off by asking questions about the other person. It shows them that you're interested in them and what they have to say. In turn, wait for them to ask about your life and interests. If you're in a big social scene, try and learn by actively observing how others communicate. It took me a very long time to figure out that this is a key to keeping a conversation relevant, interesting, and engaging.

 

[matt000333]

What kind of questions for the other person? I guess im trying to just come up with core system I can remember like main topics then have subtopics underneath and then like what to do if you already know someone conversation wise hopefully im better by end of the year It stresses me out and I shut down I feel so far behind already.

 

[RachelleG]

I'm 28 be 29 in August and feel like I have actually regressed conversation skill wise have barely any friends I used to try and memorize stuff from the internet I like listening to other people more then myself talk but im just not sure what kids of questions I need to ask them about their self my mind goes blank alot on what to say to people and I dont want to bore them either anyways anyone improve their social skills how did you do it?

I have a short video and an illustration that may be helpful to you in this:
How to Breakout of the Loneliness Cycle of Asperger’s [Video] - Aspergers Live
How to Improve Your Communication Skills with Body Language [Illustration] - Aspergers Live

 

[Bella Pines]

Find an elevator and position yourself near the control buttons. When some people enter and you start moving hit the alarm buzzer and scream like you are falling. Then say you were just joking. That should start up a lively conversation.

Damn you. I work in a tower block with a really long and boring elevator ride. I just know that this idea is going to pop RIGHT back into my head next week and I'm going to have to fight not to do it! I bet at least one of them believes it and screams just because I am... No! Stop these thoughts!

Anyway, there are a number of threads on how to perform small talk tasks and carry out mind numbingly boring conversations with NTs. Like, start with an open question (did you do anything this weekend?) and if they answer, drill slowly into specifics without getting too personal too soon. I still keep notes on people, like what their hobbies are.

However, it doesn't sound like this is your problem, it sounds more like your problem is in your head. You might be going through the oscillation phase that we all experience, where you either try too hard or don't try hard enough.

If we try too hard, we scare people off with our intensity and we over analyse our conversational performance. Measuring our performance with metrics, such as 'does the person initiate a repeat conversation with me or avoid me?'. If we don't try hard enough we end up grunting or avoiding people.

The plus side of the "over trying" phase is that we can apply ourselves to research, improve our skills and then practice on the next poor neurotypical that stumbles into our paths. So if you are in the "over trying" phase, then that might be a good thing, it might take to to the next level of conversational techniques. Maybe you could hand out questionnaires after each conversation? "how did you rate my conversation skills today?", "was I a) congenial b) boring or c) creepy." "and how are you reacting to this questionairre?"...

 

[Bella Pines]

So I read an interesting article that said the point one percent of bacteria that doesn't die when you use antibacterial hand sanitizer . . .'

'When was the last time you drank some of that dihydrogen monoxide?

I totally agree with points 1, 2 and 5, but don't do point 3!! I spent a 6 month stretch in hospital at one point and learned lots of interesting bacterial facts, NO ONE was interested! Every time I am random and weird it ends badly, for example, actual conversation I had a few weeks ago:

Me: So I read an interesting article that indicated Gillette was partially responsible for women shaving their arm pits. Apparently sales dipped in the 2nd world war and so Gillette began targeting women and convinced them that they needed to buy razor blades. So really, armpit shaving is just a by product of a corporate con job.
Guy I'm talking to: [looks disgusted] But hairy arm pits on women are gross
Me: That's what they want you to think, it is actually quite natural
Guy I'm talking to: Do you shave your armpits?
Me: err... [decides to lie] ... yes?

He avoids me now, maybe due to the random conversation, maybe due to the armpits, I'll send him a questionairre...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Me: That's what they want you to think, it is actually quite natural
Guy I'm talking to: Do you shave your armpits?
Me: err... [decides to lie] ... yes?

Guy : How's your hairy bits? (Elevator small talk fail)

I always liked Edward Bernays boast of getting woman to smoke.
The Gillette story rhymes with that.