Anxiety, Dissociation, Lack of motivation, Anyone Else?

[Unspired]

Hello, I'm a 17-year-old student in my senior year of highschool. As of recently, I've started to have some unsettling problems, which I've determined are likely derived from the immense anxiety I experience on a daily basis. What makes me anxious is schoolwork; I often feel as if there is an endless stream of work ahead of me.

Likely due to the anxiety of schoolwork, I have become unable to find any special interests or anything that interests me in the slightest for months, and that troubles me. Old interests of programming, philosophy, dimensions, or languages have a nostalgic quality to them, but I don't have the time to be creative anymore. My life is focussed on going to school to work, returning home to create a schedule to complete homework (average 5 hours because I'm a slow perfectionist), and then repeating that the next day. The lack of any intrinsic interests means nothing to look forward to, and no reason to continue on.

For almost a year, I have been experiencing odd, variable symptoms such as memory problems, increased social difficulties, anxiety, spotty vision and dissociation. One could say that I have been functional in daily life, but I don't feel like I'm living. I don't know how to feel alive again and be content with my life.

At the moment I procrastinate to an extreme extent due to an overwhelming lack of motivation. The only motivation I have for completing homework & assignments is fear. Since I am a perfectionist, I couldn't allow myself to not finish homework. This causes much anxiety.

I do tend to pick up things quickly, and despite not studying, I achieve marks in the high 90s in advanced courses. As a result, my parents have trouble believing that I could have any problems if I'm producing such good results.

My question is, do these symptoms seem familiar to anyone else? They seem pretty unique to me and online searches aren't really helping me out.

Also, how do I stop getting anxious about things? I'd like to be able to not get anxious about schoolwork and become more confident in general. I've never felt like diffidence is my default state; the anxiety just feels like a force beyond my control.

 

[JMcCauley]

Ok, this may get overly philosophical, but here goes.

You have to ask yourself, what do you want from life?
I assume you want to go to college and then work... somewhere, and maybe make money and have things so people will like you.
That's what I wanted in highschool, but here is what I discovered.
Education won't make you smart or successful, success won't make you money, and money will never buy your happiness. Also, if you prove yourself to be very capable and you think people will like you because of that, you're wrong. They will pretend to like you, they will be polite, and kind, to take advantage of your skills. Money is the most significant thing you could gain from those people and like I said, that won't do much for you.

So, if what you really want is to go through life with a general sense of self satisfaction, being happy and fulfilled, here is what you should do.

Continue doing your homework, if you want to, if it makes you feel good. Go to a good school and get a career that you want to do, be as good at whatever you want as you want to be, and then die. And then, having lived as happy a life as you wanted to, they will put you in the ground and write the same damn thing on your headstone as they do on everyone else's. It will have made no difference to anyone else whether or not you tried your hardest, stressed out, or performed perfectly, because they will have been busy living their own lives.

So be happy, because that's all that matters.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I'll be blunt you sound like you have an anxiety disorder. If your anxious most days for months on end and it interferes with the quality of your life that meets the criteria. Look up generalized anxiety disorder and see what you think. Eitherways i would go to your school counselor they can probably help you.

I have the same issues with school work but I'm in college. I just force myself to get it done cause I don't want to fail and I want to prove to myself I can do it.

 

[Sev]

My question is, do these symptoms seem familiar to anyone else? They seem pretty unique to me and online searches aren't really helping me out.

Yes, they're familiar to me. I just got out of school and I have to say I felt the same way for years. The only reason why I did well was because of my extreme perfectionism (also probably had something to do with the fact that I felt more at home reading a math textbook than chatting with others). Similarly, my 'special interests' also died off and its really a hard time finding something that I even mildly enjoy doing. I think its a mixture of social anxiety and depression that causes it.

Also, how do I stop getting anxious about things? I'd like to be able to not get anxious about schoolwork and become more confident in general. I've never felt like diffidence is my default state; the anxiety just feels like a force beyond my control.

If you want to feel better, my suggestion is to do something you would usually not ever do - something completely insane (but not dangerous). Physically, I am completely awkward in real life but when I felt really tied up with anxious/depressed feelings I would go skateboarding (this is my version of 'completely insane'). Obviously, I probably looked like an absolute moron, but it felt good and that's what matters! Go ride a bike or just chill out and go fishing someone nice, quiet, and shady. While you might think your better spent doing the five hours a day, being relaxed will significantly increase your workflow. Easier said than done, of course. But hey, its an idea. Also, regularly changing where your studying can sometimes help - maybe its worth studying at the local library once or twice a week.

 

[TragicKingdom]

I am being treated for Depression and anxiety via medication (I take Klonopin for my anxiety which works wonderful) and through talk-therapy.

I at times experience (Perhaps more than I realize) disassociation as defined clinically: Welcome - neurosymptoms.org

As for being unmotivated, this is very common for me. Example: I started a business one year ago and it involves me programming the entire thing, databases, etc. Although I have made great progress on it initially I have not worked on it at all in nine months. I want to work on it (I plan to launch it live on 1.1.16), but feel totally unmotivated to do so. Instead, I play video games or read (Currently I am on Federal Disability for Aspergers and have a lot of time on my hands as I do not work right now).

I also do not "feel like I'm living"; For the past year it has been a day-to-day survival scenario, attempting to outrun or numb my symptoms and emotions. Each day can be a struggle and it is very tiresome at this point.

This leads me to feel like giving up completely on everything. This includes my living self. I deal with suicidal ideation often feeling that losing my life would be a far better alternative to suffering alone every damned day.

 

[Unspired]

If you want to feel better, my suggestion is to do something you would usually not ever do - something completely insane (but not dangerous). Physically, I am completely awkward in real life but when I felt really tied up with anxious/depressed feelings I would go skateboarding (this is my version of 'completely insane'). Obviously, I probably looked like an absolute moron, but it felt good and that's what matters! Go ride a bike or just chill out and go fishing someone nice, quiet, and shady. While you might think your better spent doing the five hours a day, being relaxed will significantly increase your workflow. Easier said than done, of course. But hey, its an idea. Also, regularly changing where your studying can sometimes help - maybe its worth studying at the local library once or twice a week.

Thanks a lot for the advice. Is it short-term relief or has that helped you in the long term? Are you feeling better now in general? Have you restored your special interests or found new ones?

 

[Sev]

Thanks a lot for the advice. Is it short-term relief or has that helped you in the long term? Are you feeling better now in general? Have you restored your special interests or found new ones?

There was short term relief but its no cure. Instead of feeling down or anxious, I just feel numb - which isn't that bad I suppose.

On the note of special interests, I started programming again (6 weeks ago) and have been spending a lot of my spare time doing that. I still have motivation issues and I don't really know if I enjoy coding - its just something I do because I can (I feel like a robot). I've yet to develop any serious interests and I can't really be bothered attempting any of my previous interests like creative writing.

I think being more active helped me in the long term (and I think I'm steadily improving), but as I said, it isn't a cure.

 

[Aspieistj]

I am almost 71 and didn't learn that I had AS until I was in my early 60s. I have been a teacher and a nurse. I also did very well in school and that allowed me to have a fairly successful adult life. However, my life has seldom been happy. I think it might have been different if I had been aware of my AS decades earlier. If i hadn't been a good and very motivated student I think my life would have been far more painful because I would have also been cursed with poverty and no way to find self respect. At least I got a good education and had two different careers to bolster my self esteem. I remain a very unhappy person and I believe it is due to the fact that my entire life has been painful because of the problems of being terribly different, in a way that most people disliked. I can control my anxiety and rather severe depression with medication. I am old enough and financially prepared to live my life on my own terms. I choose to be alone in order to avoid the discomfort of trying constantly to be "normal" and inadvertently annoying NTs. This is my choice. I do wish I had been diagnosed while still young enough to learn better coping mechanisms. However, I don't think this would have made a great change in my life. I NEED to have NTs understand and accept that I am neurologically different and show some acceptance--I am still a productive and good person. I believe for someone your age you may benefit from the increasing public awareness of people on the spectrum and the understanding that you don't wish to be considered simply annoying. I hope you can get professional counseling and medical treatment, if it can help you. Without two very supportive medical doctors and Prozac, along with other medications, I would probably have taken my life. I was profoundly affected by the statement, "Education is the peg on which the poor man hangs his pride" when I was quite young and along with the ability to do well in school I completed two BS and two MS degrees. This accomplishment has provided me with a large measure of self satisfaction and made my life less painful. If you can achieve well academically I advise you to forge ahead. It will help your self esteem and allow you to have a fairly comfortable life. Use the strengths you have to buffer the pain and frustration of being on the spectrum. Good luck.
Nancy

 

[royinpink]

Hello, I'm a 17-year-old student in my senior year of highschool. As of recently, I've started to have some unsettling problems, which I've determined are likely derived from the immense anxiety I experience on a daily basis. What makes me anxious is schoolwork; I often feel as if there is an endless stream of work ahead of me.

Likely due to the anxiety of schoolwork, I have become unable to find any special interests or anything that interests me in the slightest for months, and that troubles me. Old interests of programming, philosophy, dimensions, or languages have a nostalgic quality to them, but I don't have the time to be creative anymore. My life is focussed on going to school to work, returning home to create a schedule to complete homework (average 5 hours because I'm a slow perfectionist), and then repeating that the next day. The lack of any intrinsic interests means nothing to look forward to, and no reason to continue on.

For almost a year, I have been experiencing odd, variable symptoms such as memory problems, increased social difficulties, anxiety, spotty vision and dissociation. One could say that I have been functional in daily life, but I don't feel like I'm living. I don't know how to feel alive again and be content with my life.

At the moment I procrastinate to an extreme extent due to an overwhelming lack of motivation. The only motivation I have for completing homework & assignments is fear. Since I am a perfectionist, I couldn't allow myself to not finish homework. This causes much anxiety.

I do tend to pick up things quickly, and despite not studying, I achieve marks in the high 90s in advanced courses. As a result, my parents have trouble believing that I could have any problems if I'm producing such good results.

My question is, do these symptoms seem familiar to anyone else? They seem pretty unique to me and online searches aren't really helping me out.

Also, how do I stop getting anxious about things? I'd like to be able to not get anxious about schoolwork and become more confident in general. I've never felt like diffidence is my default state; the anxiety just feels like a force beyond my control.

Oh my god, you could be describing me, to the letter. I wish I had better answers but that has essentially been my life for the past ten years at least. High school seems full of joy by comparison but I know my problems with procrastination started in 5th grade or even earlier.

I found The Now Habit by Neil Fiore to be a helpful approach to procrastination but too difficult for me to implement on my own with AS-specific needs. You might have more luck with it if schedules work for you and in any case it's got a lot of helpful info to help you understand and be kind to yourself as well as work to change habits.

I'm seeing a psychologist now who mentioned that a lot of her aspie patients start having problems with procrastination when the executive functioning problems kick in around age 10.

I think coupled with high expectations, high anxiety, and perfectionism, it's a recipe for disaster. Luckily for you, you have a lot more self knowledge than I did at 17. Here's hoping for the both of us...

ETA: I've learned that I can't try to deal with the procrastination until I lower my anxiety. I'm just so much more anxious about so many more things than an NT and that's a major stumbling block in trying to fix the situation.

I've had extreme reactions to medication, so I'm working on reducing anxiety with regular exercise, better diet, and working out routines for all those things like shopping and eating that tax my decision-making abilities and contribute to my overall stress. I take vitamins that have been shown to help with mental health, like fish oil/omega-3, calcium and magnesium, and B vitamins. I find my mind is clearer and I have more energy when I remember to do that. Exercise and good sleep also help with the executive functioning stuff that is centered in the frontal lobe.

The Now Habit will tell you this, but reserve an hour for yourself every day just to do whatever you want. I find that an hour is not enough. I need a lot of time to recuperate after being strained all day to manage social situations, appear 'normal', make decisions, and keep up with multiple demands. It's even worse when I've put myself in that cycle of motivation through fear--well, then I need time to recuperate from the fear I've brought upon myself. So I've been trying to be kinder in allowing myself down-time and more realistic in what I can manage. It's always a challenge to remind myself that the world will not fall apart if I don't do everything perfectly RIGHT NOW, though.

If possible, don't try to do everything yourself. Find someone who can support you. I know that's easier said than done, though, when so many don't understand.

Also, I don't know if it's coincidence, but I was a linguistics major and also love philosophy. Hmmm.