everywhere and nowhere
New Member
So, I decided to look for specifically an autism forum. I've been active for many years at the Asexual Visibility and Education Network's forum, and since there's a statistical overrepresentation of autistics among asexuals and the other way around, there are many neurodivergent people there. But I decided that if I'm looking specifically for answers to autism-related problems, I should register at an autism forum.
I live in Poland, I'm 44 years old and received a diagnosis past 40 years of age. I had been sent to a psychologist many times in my childhood, but... at that time I was so distrustful, perceived the psychologist as an extension of parental control, that ultimately nothing came out of it. I also had - and largely still have - relatively "antipsychiatric" views: it's not like I believe that Mental Disorders Don't Exist, I rather believe that... possible experience is so vast (I don't hesitate to consider it literally infinite), that how could anyone dare to sort minds into "normal ones" and "abnormal ones"? I also remain strongly opposed to taking any medication which would make my inner experience less intense (I only take allergy medication and vitamin D and iron supplementation), but more on my view on psychoative things below.
I did well in the educational department, but pretty bad in the interpersonal department (a detail I now consider relevant: at high school I would typically spend most breaks in the library; actually, our school library was closed on Wednesdays, but the librarian would still let me in because she understood that I needed to isolate myself). I have relatively little professional experience because I instinctively isolated myself. Currently unemployed and absolutely terrified of in-office work - really, it makes me dramatically unhappy within days. I'm not very good in finding remote employment either, and my mom doesn't fully understand my problems.
I live alone, I have a lot of need for spending time by myself. Zero experience in terms of romantic relationships. As for sex, I'm actively sex-averse, nudity-averse and prefer identifying as asexual. Even if it is exclusively a result of my interpersonal problems and accompanying health problems (first of all allergy, because my nudity aversion started in early childhood due to embarassment over how my skin looks like), I don't care about it, because I actively prefer being asexual and celibate and consider all people who are "asexual for a reason" as valid as "born this way asexuals".
An important note: I am not an unhappy person. Despite all my problems, unemployment, poverty... my interests keep my happy. But I still need support and this is why I looked for this forum.
Quite expectedly, I have a strong tendency for obsessive interests. The most prominent ones are (not entirely in chronological order):
- Big cats: historically the first of my "special interests", developed around the age of two as a result of having received my first plush tiger.
- Ski jumping hills. Unfortunately, I haven't visited any ski jumping hills in several years, because money. (I haven't been abroad at all in over 10 years, and even travelling within Poland would be too much of a financial burden now. I also can't drive.) But I'm really crazy about ski jumping hills, sometimes I visit them "virtually", through Google Maps.
- Adventure games with a strong preference for a retro style ("quest" gameplay, pixel graphics etc.).
- Lingustics. I love reading about languages, linguistic trivia, I am fascinated with lingustic diversity... A bit more than two years ago I discovered Turkish psychedelic rock from the 1970s and I was so fascinated that ultimately I started learning the language. I cannot afford a course, so I spent the first year learning entirely by myself, later I discovered the website Conversation Exchange and now I meet every Wednesday morning with Mr. Ahmet, a retired Turkish teacher, whom I can now also call a friend.
- And the biggest and most expansive of my obsessive interests... I prefer using the term "psychedelic theory", but I doesn't mean that my fascination is exclusively theoretical. Although for many years it was: it began when I was twelve years old and first heard the words "this drug which produces visions" (now I call that moment "these words which produce visions"), but I first tried a psychedelic drug at the age of thirty. I'm not even an active user right now... I want to stand back more securely on my feet, in financial terms first of all, before I can consider returning to psychonautics. There are also definitely practical concerns involved, such as my relative isolation making it harder to have a friend as a sitter. (I have some friends, but... one lives in a different city, one doesn't even live in the same country, third one is busy, and the fourth is busy and... accepts the fact that I experience this fascination, but doesn't truly accept psychedelic drugs.) A few times I have taken psychedelic drugs by myself, but I wouldn't really like to risk it again, even though it went well, and particularly one was really a beautiful experience.
I mentioned my reluctance to take any medication such as antidepressants... and indeed I tend to categorise psychoactive agents in quite a stiff way into "mind-expanding", "mind-limiting" and "neutral" (the final category encompasses mild stimulants such as tea or coffee and mild sedatives such as lavender, lemon balm... I don't drink coffee, though, because I can't stand the taste). Other than psychedelics... I have tried ether once, energy drinks twice (yes, I count them among the "mind-limiting", not "neutral"), cannabis a few times, sub-psychoative amounts of alcohol (I decided that I hate the taste with a passion and therefore I now consume stricly no alcohol at all), and that's all.
- The fifth and sixth fascination are largely a product of the previous one. First, I'm an avid explorer of psychedelic and related music. (Psychedelic rock, psychedelic folk, ethnic music, and jazz with an ethnic and/or psychedelic "twist". I hate "psytrance" and similar electronic stuff, though.) Also despite being permanently short of money, I collect albums because... for me artwork is an integral part of a music album, I Just Can't accept "bare files" as an album. When I like some music strongly enough, I want to have it on CD or vinyl.
- And the sixth one is... maybe less of a classic obsessive interests, it's rather Something Which Matters To Me A Lot, but it's so entangled with the others... Namely, spirituality. I started out deeply disappointed with the Catholic Church and its meddling in politics, and then... early (I was about 16 years old by that time) readings about psychedelic drugs and their spiritual implications pointed me towards such a possibility as mysticism. This is a deep yearning of mine, because I don't find myself able to have spontaneous mystical experiences, I sometimes quite palpably feel my constant inner soliloquy stopping any spiritual elation I might feel. But I have, despite this, absorbed a lot of elements of a "mystical worldview", particularly its "over-confessional" character. I believe that all religions are True and that all say the same at the mystical level, I also don't believe in institutions and intermediaries, I... deeply believe that there is an all-encompassing spiritual reality and I'm comfortable with calling this reality "God" (or "Mystery", a word I prefer particularly when writing in Polish, because it's a feminine-gender noun), but I'm far less sure about dogmas, about which ones might have indeed happened and which should be read in a symbolic way. So altoghether, I prefer calling myself "transreligious" or an "Omnist" (the term for belief that all religions say the truth).
Of all my intense interests, I would say that the cluster of psychedelic theory, spirituality and music does the most to keep me happy despite my problems. And also diary-keeping. I have been writing a diary for the last 35 years and around late teenage age, it shifted towards primarily my reflections on different topics. (I write my diary my diary despite my absolutely terrible handwriting, but I also assign tag-like categories to it to facilitate finding an entry later. Some common categories in my diary are: "philosophy", "spirituality", "politics", "feminism", "(a)sexuality", "language", "introspection", "psychedelia / assisted philosophy" and "texts of culture" - meaning all cultural works, not necessarily textual - so, my reflections about books, music, films, games...) But this fascination is so strong that... I quite dislike the word "hobbies" and even "interests" feels too weak to capture the intensity of my feelings. I prefer calling such intense interests "nonpersonal love" and I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for the right to consider it love and not a mere "hobby". And... you know, theoretically it should feel so unrequited, doesn't it? Psychedelic theory is not a person and therefore it cannot reciprocate my feelings. And yet it doesn't even feel unrequited... I have never experienced requited romantic love, so theoretically I don't know what it feels like, but I know the joy and rapture my passions give me.
I live in Poland, I'm 44 years old and received a diagnosis past 40 years of age. I had been sent to a psychologist many times in my childhood, but... at that time I was so distrustful, perceived the psychologist as an extension of parental control, that ultimately nothing came out of it. I also had - and largely still have - relatively "antipsychiatric" views: it's not like I believe that Mental Disorders Don't Exist, I rather believe that... possible experience is so vast (I don't hesitate to consider it literally infinite), that how could anyone dare to sort minds into "normal ones" and "abnormal ones"? I also remain strongly opposed to taking any medication which would make my inner experience less intense (I only take allergy medication and vitamin D and iron supplementation), but more on my view on psychoative things below.
I did well in the educational department, but pretty bad in the interpersonal department (a detail I now consider relevant: at high school I would typically spend most breaks in the library; actually, our school library was closed on Wednesdays, but the librarian would still let me in because she understood that I needed to isolate myself). I have relatively little professional experience because I instinctively isolated myself. Currently unemployed and absolutely terrified of in-office work - really, it makes me dramatically unhappy within days. I'm not very good in finding remote employment either, and my mom doesn't fully understand my problems.
I live alone, I have a lot of need for spending time by myself. Zero experience in terms of romantic relationships. As for sex, I'm actively sex-averse, nudity-averse and prefer identifying as asexual. Even if it is exclusively a result of my interpersonal problems and accompanying health problems (first of all allergy, because my nudity aversion started in early childhood due to embarassment over how my skin looks like), I don't care about it, because I actively prefer being asexual and celibate and consider all people who are "asexual for a reason" as valid as "born this way asexuals".
An important note: I am not an unhappy person. Despite all my problems, unemployment, poverty... my interests keep my happy. But I still need support and this is why I looked for this forum.
Quite expectedly, I have a strong tendency for obsessive interests. The most prominent ones are (not entirely in chronological order):
- Big cats: historically the first of my "special interests", developed around the age of two as a result of having received my first plush tiger.
- Ski jumping hills. Unfortunately, I haven't visited any ski jumping hills in several years, because money. (I haven't been abroad at all in over 10 years, and even travelling within Poland would be too much of a financial burden now. I also can't drive.) But I'm really crazy about ski jumping hills, sometimes I visit them "virtually", through Google Maps.
- Adventure games with a strong preference for a retro style ("quest" gameplay, pixel graphics etc.).
- Lingustics. I love reading about languages, linguistic trivia, I am fascinated with lingustic diversity... A bit more than two years ago I discovered Turkish psychedelic rock from the 1970s and I was so fascinated that ultimately I started learning the language. I cannot afford a course, so I spent the first year learning entirely by myself, later I discovered the website Conversation Exchange and now I meet every Wednesday morning with Mr. Ahmet, a retired Turkish teacher, whom I can now also call a friend.
- And the biggest and most expansive of my obsessive interests... I prefer using the term "psychedelic theory", but I doesn't mean that my fascination is exclusively theoretical. Although for many years it was: it began when I was twelve years old and first heard the words "this drug which produces visions" (now I call that moment "these words which produce visions"), but I first tried a psychedelic drug at the age of thirty. I'm not even an active user right now... I want to stand back more securely on my feet, in financial terms first of all, before I can consider returning to psychonautics. There are also definitely practical concerns involved, such as my relative isolation making it harder to have a friend as a sitter. (I have some friends, but... one lives in a different city, one doesn't even live in the same country, third one is busy, and the fourth is busy and... accepts the fact that I experience this fascination, but doesn't truly accept psychedelic drugs.) A few times I have taken psychedelic drugs by myself, but I wouldn't really like to risk it again, even though it went well, and particularly one was really a beautiful experience.
I mentioned my reluctance to take any medication such as antidepressants... and indeed I tend to categorise psychoactive agents in quite a stiff way into "mind-expanding", "mind-limiting" and "neutral" (the final category encompasses mild stimulants such as tea or coffee and mild sedatives such as lavender, lemon balm... I don't drink coffee, though, because I can't stand the taste). Other than psychedelics... I have tried ether once, energy drinks twice (yes, I count them among the "mind-limiting", not "neutral"), cannabis a few times, sub-psychoative amounts of alcohol (I decided that I hate the taste with a passion and therefore I now consume stricly no alcohol at all), and that's all.
- The fifth and sixth fascination are largely a product of the previous one. First, I'm an avid explorer of psychedelic and related music. (Psychedelic rock, psychedelic folk, ethnic music, and jazz with an ethnic and/or psychedelic "twist". I hate "psytrance" and similar electronic stuff, though.) Also despite being permanently short of money, I collect albums because... for me artwork is an integral part of a music album, I Just Can't accept "bare files" as an album. When I like some music strongly enough, I want to have it on CD or vinyl.
- And the sixth one is... maybe less of a classic obsessive interests, it's rather Something Which Matters To Me A Lot, but it's so entangled with the others... Namely, spirituality. I started out deeply disappointed with the Catholic Church and its meddling in politics, and then... early (I was about 16 years old by that time) readings about psychedelic drugs and their spiritual implications pointed me towards such a possibility as mysticism. This is a deep yearning of mine, because I don't find myself able to have spontaneous mystical experiences, I sometimes quite palpably feel my constant inner soliloquy stopping any spiritual elation I might feel. But I have, despite this, absorbed a lot of elements of a "mystical worldview", particularly its "over-confessional" character. I believe that all religions are True and that all say the same at the mystical level, I also don't believe in institutions and intermediaries, I... deeply believe that there is an all-encompassing spiritual reality and I'm comfortable with calling this reality "God" (or "Mystery", a word I prefer particularly when writing in Polish, because it's a feminine-gender noun), but I'm far less sure about dogmas, about which ones might have indeed happened and which should be read in a symbolic way. So altoghether, I prefer calling myself "transreligious" or an "Omnist" (the term for belief that all religions say the truth).
Of all my intense interests, I would say that the cluster of psychedelic theory, spirituality and music does the most to keep me happy despite my problems. And also diary-keeping. I have been writing a diary for the last 35 years and around late teenage age, it shifted towards primarily my reflections on different topics. (I write my diary my diary despite my absolutely terrible handwriting, but I also assign tag-like categories to it to facilitate finding an entry later. Some common categories in my diary are: "philosophy", "spirituality", "politics", "feminism", "(a)sexuality", "language", "introspection", "psychedelia / assisted philosophy" and "texts of culture" - meaning all cultural works, not necessarily textual - so, my reflections about books, music, films, games...) But this fascination is so strong that... I quite dislike the word "hobbies" and even "interests" feels too weak to capture the intensity of my feelings. I prefer calling such intense interests "nonpersonal love" and I'm willing to fight tooth and nail for the right to consider it love and not a mere "hobby". And... you know, theoretically it should feel so unrequited, doesn't it? Psychedelic theory is not a person and therefore it cannot reciprocate my feelings. And yet it doesn't even feel unrequited... I have never experienced requited romantic love, so theoretically I don't know what it feels like, but I know the joy and rapture my passions give me.
Last edited:
