angry

[baz]

Today has been a day of many small frustrations which usually wouldn't bother me too much. But today I went out shopping with my wife and everyone around me was really winding me up. people getting in my way people being rude being arrogant, I suppose people just being people. But today my tolerance was at an all time low
I felt like I would explode . I thought give me a megaphone so I could scream **** off and leave me alone.
Anyway I didn't do that instead I came home feeling really angry with my wife wondering what the hell has happened .
In fact nothing had happened I was just feeling more and more volatile as the day went by.
This happens to me now and then and sometimes I snap and go completely crazy which scares the life out of my wife.
Anyway does anyone ever feel like I do.

 

[wyverary]

I completely understand. What helps me is to allow myself to "let it out" in a health manner. Scream into a pillow, grab a stick and beat it violently against a tree while yelling obscenities...stuff like that. Most of the time it helps alleviate the tension and frustration.

 

[Harrison]

Today has been a day of many small frustrations which usually wouldn't bother me too much. But today I went out shopping with my wife and everyone around me was really winding me up. people getting in my way people being rude being arrogant, I suppose people just being people. But today my tolerance was at an all time low
I felt like I would explode . I thought give me a megaphone so I could scream **** off and leave me alone.
Anyway I didn't do that instead I came home feeling really angry with my wife wondering what the hell has happened .
In fact nothing had happened I was just feeling more and more volatile as the day went by.
This happens to me now and then and sometimes I snap and go completely crazy which scares the life out of my wife.
Anyway does anyone ever feel like I do.

You'll find a whole raft of aspies who feel like this at times, including me.

I learnt very early in my diagnosis that there were things or siutations that would trigger a partial or full meltdown, I also learnt that it wasn't the fault of anyone in particular. That last part was a major revelation for me and the crux of learning about my tendency to meltdown.

As a result, I avoid situations where there is a possibility of it happening, especially if I am with someone who could potentially end up being the 'whipping post' for my rage. I no longer shop in hypermarkets, nor do I go into the city unless it is planned like a military campaign. Building 'escape plans' into your routine can help too as I found that my reasoning disappeared rapidly and I was unable to plan in the moment. If I am with someone I make sure they know which situations will likely trigger me and how to remove me from them.

Never be frightened to retreat from a situation, always inform those with you, and avoid environments that will cascade a meltdown.

If I do need to use a mall or hypermarket I will check opening times, some open 24/7 so I go at night

 

[Peace]

Well Done Baz,
You did an excellent job of describing what it feels like to have one of these days (which I have regularly). It is almost as if we took a "Negative Pill", once taken it causes your perception of everything occurring to you to be negative. The endless barrage of offenses drills away at our comfort level until we have nothing good left and at some point lash out to relieve our frustration.
If this helps, I have found that it IS my perception, or my mood that causes these days. It is also a process that has a beginning and an end. On these days, Something will happen that normally will not offend me but does today. This will begin a familiar feeling. Mine is a slight tightness in my chest and arms (anxiety) and the sensation that my blood is beginning to warm. Slowly with each offense, it goes from a simmer to a boil!
I have been very successful at "Steering" mine away from the hurtful and into the helpful. It is dependent on one thing, The Ability To Recognize It When It Is At The Beginning. As you stated, we understand that these little things that happen should not upset us, but do. It Is Now! When it is at its weakest point that we have the best chance of overcoming the urge to go there.
Sometimes it is leaving, sometimes it is taking out your frustration on something harmless, taking a walk by water, meditating, fishing, working in the garage or whatever. It usually involves some alone time to get away from those little things that drive us there. I think logically and know that there is a difference between having been attacked, and Feeling like I have been attacked. I think about how terrible I feel when I get to the blood boiling point and the disappointment after the meltdown. I think about the fact that nothing bad happened to me and it is just a bad feeling and that it will go away if I don't allow it to grow. I work to do the happy things.
Your wife should trust that if you need alone time it is necessary and best.
Good Luck Man

 

[baz]

Thanks for the helpful advice, I'm finding writing my feelings down and getting responses from fellow aspies really cathartic. I'm beginning to feel that I'm not alone with this, there are others like me.
A couple of other points I'd like to make.
Occasionally when I do have a meltdown, I really become totally out of control, I've had a couple of fights, I've been arrested for threatening behaviour, I've even punched and kicked someones car.
The other point is that although I now have a diagnosis to explain my irrational behaviour, when I look behind me there is a 50 year wake of destruction and misery that includes everyone I've ever known even my wife and sons.
I find this so difficult.

 

[Harrison]

Thanks for the helpful advice, I'm finding writing my feelings down and getting responses from fellow aspies really cathartic. I'm beginning to feel that I'm not alone with this, there are others like me.
A couple of other points I'd like to make.
Occasionally when I do have a meltdown, I really become totally out of control, I've had a couple of fights, I've been arrested for threatening behaviour, I've even punched and kicked someones car.
The other point is that although I now have a diagnosis to explain my irrational behaviour, when I look behind me there is a 50 year wake of destruction and misery that includes everyone I've ever known even my wife and sons.
I find this so difficult.

Hindsight is the most painful part of late diagnosis, in my view. Like yourself I can see the trail of pain and hurt I left behind, but I realise the only person who has to come to terms with it is me. Knowing who you are and understanding that you can change the future responses helps heal that past.

 

[vindexa]

Baz, you are definitely not alone. I feel that way from time to time as well, especially when driving. It baffles me how so many people just do not pay attention/are in too big of a hurry to care/feel like they have the right of way no matter what/think the rules don't apply to them. Anyway, a perfect example of when I felt like how you described after a day out with your wife (shopping can be ridiculously stressful by the way, I have to take it in very small doses) was one morning when I got home from work. My house is on a hill and we have a very steep driveway that is in desperate need of paving... loose gravel and cement that has broken off exposing some metal supports, and it is difficult for my heavy SUV to stop completely, especially after it has rained. There have been several times when I have slid out into the road at night while leaving for work. Anyway, if you are standing at the front door of my house facing the street, there is a dead end to the right and stop sign not too far down on the left and a short road with a stop sign (1 way stop for a 3-way intersection) almost directly ahead. People fly past my house in a complete blur that they have to be going about 60mph and the speed limit is 35 I think, but there isn't a sign close to my house. We have called the department of transportation several times and no one seems to care or do anything. Well, a car roared past sounding like a 747 and I lost it. I started yelling and wow... I had no idea I could yell that loud. I terrified my poor cat. After that I needed a beer. Probably not the best solution, but oh well. Do you like hot tea? If so, there are a quite a few delicious herbal teas for stress, tension, and overall calming. A nice long hot shower can also be very therapeutic as can listening to music that puts you in a good mood. A quick meditation could also help. At some point I would like to get into regular meditations as I think they could help keep my aggressive emotions in check. I hope this was at least somewhat helpful. I know for me, knowing I am not alone and reading other's stories and experiences is really helpful.

 

[baz]

Thank you Vindexa

 

[Peace]

Baz, you are definitely not alone. I feel that way from time to time as well, especially when driving. It baffles me how so many people just do not pay attention/are in too big of a hurry to care/feel like they have the right of way no matter what/think the rules don't apply to them. Anyway, a perfect example of when I felt like how you described after a day out with your wife (shopping can be ridiculously stressful by the way, I have to take it in very small doses) was one morning when I got home from work. My house is on a hill and we have a very steep driveway that is in desperate need of paving... loose gravel and cement that has broken off exposing some metal supports, and it is difficult for my heavy SUV to stop completely, especially after it has rained. There have been several times when I have slid out into the road at night while leaving for work. Anyway, if you are standing at the front door of my house facing the street, there is a dead end to the right and stop sign not too far down on the left and a short road with a stop sign (1 way stop for a 3-way intersection) almost directly ahead. People fly past my house in a complete blur that they have to be going about 60mph and the speed limit is 35 I think, but there isn't a sign close to my house. We have called the department of transportation several times and no one seems to care or do anything. Well, a car roared past sounding like a 747 and I lost it. I started yelling and wow... I had no idea I could yell that loud. I terrified my poor cat. After that I needed a beer. Probably not the best solution, but oh well. Do you like hot tea? If so, there are a quite a few delicious herbal teas for stress, tension, and overall calming. A nice long hot shower can also be very therapeutic as can listening to music that puts you in a good mood. A quick meditation could also help. At some point I would like to get into regular meditations as I think they could help keep my aggressive emotions in check. I hope this was at least somewhat helpful. I know for me, knowing I am not alone and reading other's stories and experiences is really helpful.

DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON OTHER PEOPLES DRIVING!!!

 

[flynn_gabriel]

I feel the same way A LOT!. I have a reputation on our block for being "that crazy guy". We have a drug counseling center at the other end of our block and these young punks race up and down the street on a regular basis. Well there's kids on our end of the block. One night I was riding home from work on my bicycle, around the corner my daughter called asking where I was. I told her to come outside and shed see me(it was dark so I had my blinky lights on). She came out stepped out into the gutter and one kid was racing down the street no headlights, est. Rate of speed of 60 mph. Now our street isn't very long. Maybe 1/8th of a mile. Almost hit her. I couldn't chase him. But I know who he was. I saw him the next day went and talked to him blew me off. So I took care of it myself. Lets just say he didn't have that truck much longer..... Wound up going to jail again for being stupid. Got out got another car same problem racing up and down the street. So I sent an anonymous letter to his probation officer. Hnvnt had a problem since.