Anger And Resentment

[total-recoil]

So, I thought I'd post about the way I often feel and maybe see if this is unique to me or whether anyone else can relate to what I'm describing. Basically, I sometimes get feelings of anger and resentment because it seems pretty clear to me I very often don't get treated fairly, don't get included, experience being ignored and, above all, get underestimated. Now, to give an example, I am currently hanging onto my job by a string and was sent home in disgrace from work a few days ago. My crime was to have stopped work for a moment on a very hot day and talk briefly to someone just as I was going off on the afternoon break. Some higher level Boss had seen me talk and decided to kick up a storm. Both myself and a black girl were sent home in fact.
Sure, I know strictly speaking there are rules at work and I don't claim to be totally innocent but you would think it would have been sufficient to simply approach me, tell me off, ask me to get on with my work and have done with it. Or maybe at least a written warning or something. Instead, I was asked to leave for disciplinary reasons (as if I'd been on drugs or alcohol or something). I should point out that I actually work through an agency and my agency bosses are O.K. with me and have tried to smooth things over on my behalf. Also, my immediate supervisors have asked for me not to lose my job so I'm still employed (but only by a thread).
It seems to me there is basically a pattern that keeps repeating itself. It's about the fourth time I've been targeted by higher level bosses who hardly know me but seem to delight in stirring up stress. My agency bosses have now asked me to try and be far lower profile and to wear different clothes so I'm not identified as easily, in the hope I won't get noticed. The girl who was also sent home chatted to me after and by what she told me I get the impression they are scared of rocking her boat much further in case they get accused of racism.
Anyway, really none of this is doing me much good. It's hard enough as it is to hold a job when you have AS or HFA but it often seems to me some people view me as a potential victim and are intent upon causing strife. I have to tell myself that I did manage to make a couple of friends and that there are quite a few people there who like me but often I find myself getting very angry and resentful. I also wonder how I manage to attract the attention of so many bullies who can use their position at work to attack others in a more vulnerable status. Equally I am baffled as to why there appear to be no defence mechanisms to stop people being treated unfairly. There is no Trade Union or group support so you're basically on your own.
For now I am keeping a low profile and hardly talking to anyone but have noticed a couple of bosses there seem to be on side and appear sympathetic. Of course, nobody knows about the aspergers situation and I doubt it would be understood and, anyway, I've never wanted special treatment - just to be treated like everyone else.

 

[total-recoil]

I decided against ever using aspergers as a sort of identity status although I fully understand your situation and that this helped make your situation more tolerable. It's just I'm very paranoid about people knowing I have HFA and this now even extends in a way to the psychiatric community and friends). I went through school with severe learning disabilities and no real professional attempt was made to diagnose me at the time. I saw a psychologist in the eighties but actually at that time there was still no infiltration of Hans Aspergers research so I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression (which I no longer normally have). My attitude today is maybe kind of arrogant in a way as aspergers was my discovery, through my own research and the treatment I undergo today is my own approach. And most certainly I find it kind of politically motivated to observe that there is some attempt to play down aspergers in the psychiatric community, placing it under the label of autism spectrum disorder. I won't go into reasons as to why that may be but suffice it to say I believe Hans Asperger was 100 per cent accurate in his analysis and research into aspergers.
Anyway, guess I'm drifting a bit.
Since my last post there has been recognition I was being singled out at work. The supervisors who know me better apparently defended me and did what they could to save my job. They told me quite frankly there were managers higher up the chain who simply disliked me and wanted to see me gone. So, I was asked to avoid these people, keep a low profile and keep my guard up which is what I'm now doing. Actually I'm far from being the only person who has been targeted so I try to avoid getting too hung up on my status as victim and am trying to use my wits. I mean, it's common for people to lose their tempers and walk out and a friend of mine two days ago nearly did that.
Anyway, yes, I'm sure I must be acting in a way that makes me stand out and really I just don't want to be too involved with people there - just do my job and be done. I find those who get to know me over time tend to get used to me which is why I was defended and have just managed to stay employed. However, I never know what may happen next.

Like you, I don't want special treatment, but I found "playing the A (Aspie) card helpful." A few months ago, my situation at work became so unbearable that the suicidal thoughts returned with a vengeance. I was falsely accused of hollering and yelling during a meeting despite the fact that I had ample witnesses to the contrary. My director would not (never has) listen to reason or facts and he threatened to fire me ?if he got one more complaint from anyone.?

Having reached my limit and figuring I had nothing to lose, I filed a three-page complaint against him. I also casually mentioned having Asperger?s. This is what I said:

Later on, I spoke with four of the other techs to inquire if I was rude or disrespectful. I know that often times I can come across that way; it is one of the characteristics of Asperger?s. Each said that I was neither rude nor disrespectful. They each thought my answers were proper and to-the-point.

That is all I said concerning the AS. I didn?t mention it again, nor did I make it an issue when the Vice President of HR requested a meeting with me. Ever since then our director has treated me with kid gloves. He is very careful what he says and how he says it. Whether or not it has something to do with the AS, I do not know. I asked them not to mention it or make it a big deal, but apparently, it?s a big deal for them.

In many ways, your experiences and mine are parallel. I have had 72 jobs in my life. The one I hold now has been the longest at six years, and yet each day I think it will be my last. I?m skilled, experienced, credentialed, and never take time off or am late. Still, it seems as though I am walking around with a target on my back. For some reason, I cannot figure out what it is that turns others against me. I have even asked, but have never received a straight answer.

 

[total-recoil]

Also I should add these days I kind of feel like Michael Jackson. Instead of Bubbles the chimp, I have my German Shepherd as my only real companion and spend hours and hours doing music and trying to write songs. People at work really think I'm odd now they know more about me and it feels to me I'm avoided somewhat. I think what blows their mind is I'm single, not married and no kids. They ask about that a lot and there is always speculation I might be gay. I suppose I could have lied and tried to make myself appear more "normal" but the truth is I like being who I am and could care less what people think.

 

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