Analyzing the Past

[TragicKingdom]

Recently I had a discussion with my friend regarding how my Aspergers may (And probably did) affect past relationships in a negative sense and that I was not aware of it at all at the time and how I regret losing some of the people in my life I may have driven away. (I was diagnosed with Aspergers five years ago and in this post I am referring primarily to romantic relationships between the ages of 17-35)

I have had my fair share of relationships. I have even been married. I look back on the various girls/women I have been involved with in the past in long-term/monogamous relationships and now consider how I may have acted (or not acted, not showing empathy towards them at times, etc).

I am not solely blaming myself for all the troubles in the relationships; In certain cases the woman was at fault. But, I am now sitting alone, no relationship and considering my past and how to hopefully try to change some things about how I interact in a relationship in the future.

It is hard though: I am not a bad or abusive person, but I feel guilty about what I may have put some of these people through.

 

[The Penguin]

I have thought about some of my past relationships. A few people I dated was not understanding about my learning disability. There a few others was not honest with me.

From the relationship, I learned some of them felt I didn't understand their feelings well. Some felt I cared too much about myself. I don't know, I felt I'm a caring person but maybe I'm not providing the right type of care that they need.

One person made me felt horrible for sex as she put a lot of pressure on me. I don't have much experience. The person I dated after was more understanding. After I felt comfortable with this new person, she told me she was one of the best people she had sex with. Anyhow I should't go into much more detail but wow she was good

A person I dated in Sweden for 8 years, I still have dreams about her 5 to 6 times a year. She is the only gf I dreamed about the most. Other people I dated I might only dream about them once or twice.

If I think about my past relationship, I one of those many people rushed into a relationship too fast. I think I been single for about 3 years now. Most of my relationships have been online. Because I'm starting a business and attending networking events, I have a chance to meet people. Maybe one day I meet someone at social function.

All we can do is learn from our past relationships and hope the next one can be better.

 

[wyverary]

But, I am now sitting alone, no relationship and considering my past and how to hopefully try to change some things about how I interact in a relationship in the future.

I think you are doing the right thing here. But proceed with caution: There is a difference between acknowledging your faults and mistakes and trying to see how you can do better in future, and dwelling excessively on them. Try keeping a journal, writing them down. Hell, keep bouncing them off of your friend as well (provided you trust them enough). What's past is past, and all you can do is learn from it.

 

[BuskerSteve]

Now having arrived at the ripe age of 50 (how I don't know-the last 30 years years have dissapeared too quickly)-I think the correct way of saying it you start to mellow/slow down the pace of life-you look back at relationships you may have been in and your mind starts thinking in the" WHAT IF MODE"-ie if onlyI had did things different-However the permatations are endless and one can never no the outcomes.-Dwelling on past is in my opinion no good for your current state of mind.(Moderation in Memory Lane might be the answer)
Regards relationships there is always two sides to the situation- you do what you think is right at the time and thats it- otherwise you would do nothing but continually analyse everything-people have to be different or we may as well be robots or clones.
I think the best one can do is is try to remember the good times and perhaps learn something from the bad times.(Is this maybe what experience is all about).
Well I hope I haven't bored eveyone with my thoughts -BuskerSteve

 

[epath13]

My memory started to fade during the past 2 years. I remember my childhood pretty well but my late teens, early 20s are disappearing. I remember some events but not as vivid as before. From what I can recall, many things happened: positive, negative. I look at all that as learning experience - for myself, for others. Of course I could have done a lot of things differently, but I didn't because I wasn't there yet, I wasn't ready to behave on a different level... just like all the people I had relationships with. And I do prefer to keep positive and funny memories in my mind, the rest can go, I don't mind

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Recently I had a discussion with my friend regarding how my Aspergers may (And probably did) affect past relationships in a negative sense and that I was not aware of it at all at the time and how I regret losing some of the people in my life I may have driven away. (I was diagnosed with Aspergers five years ago and in this post I am referring primarily to romantic relationships between the ages of 17-35)

I have had my fair share of relationships. I have even been married. I look back on the various girls/women I have been involved with in the past in long-term/monogamous relationships and now consider how I may have acted (or not acted, not showing empathy towards them at times, etc).

I am not solely blaming myself for all the troubles in the relationships; In certain cases the woman was at fault. But, I am now sitting alone, no relationship and considering my past and how to hopefully try to change some things about how I interact in a relationship in the future.

It is hard though: I am not a bad or abusive person, but I feel guilty about what I may have put some of these people through.

I'm a problem solver so I would need some examples of what has happened in your past relationships and I might be able to give advice from an NT woman's perspective. I also started some threads that might be of interest to you - "NT and Aspie Communication" being one and "Making and Keeping Friends With NT's".

 

[JDartistic]

I've also been married & after 7 years, lost my wife bc we didn't know I had Asperger's. I am high functioning but under stress, I have mutism & stim badly. It made it worse toward the end. I could not function & literally ran away from her & hid when things got really bad. I feel terrible about it. I loved her so much. I'm still haunted & it's been 2 years since the divorce.

But I did find a good book on this very issue. It's called The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. It's a very funny take on how he saved his marriage as an Aspie.