i'm sure this has been covered here (as most everything has) but it hit home for me today. twice actually, once at a fast-food drive thru window and again with a cashier at a store. both times i suspected a few seconds into the interaction that i should rip myself out of my head long enough to look the other person in the eye. and both times i found them to be already looking at me expectantly, and then with what i perceived as relief when our eyes finally met. it struck me that eye contact may be more essential in faking normalcy than i had previously considered. i mean while technically not required in order to transact, lack of it seems to play into an almost instant judgement by others. anyone care to contribute experience or wisdom on this?
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an eye contact contract?
- Thread starter wadorama
- Start date
It's true. Something I learned at an early age. Whether really true or not, it's an acknowledgement of sincerity- even honesty as a social custom. With potential consequences if you cannot look someone in the eye even if briefly.
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Eye contact is an extremely important social skill. Especially when someone is waiting on you or serving you in any number of ways. Examples like drive up windows, restaurant ordering, check out to pay in store, or asking for something, directions, etc. are really important to give eye contact. Otherwise there are judgements about your “bad attitude” or “disrespect” or “ignoring” or even “dishonesty” by the other person.
There are times when direct eye contact is unwelcomed. Certain cultures outside the Western world do not engage in eye contact. Also, gang members and prison inmates can see eye contact as a threat and provocation to fight. You most likely do not come into contact with either, so eye contact is necessary in our Western society.
There are times when direct eye contact is unwelcomed. Certain cultures outside the Western world do not engage in eye contact. Also, gang members and prison inmates can see eye contact as a threat and provocation to fight. You most likely do not come into contact with either, so eye contact is necessary in our Western society.
People look for it.
I think people have been conditioned to think it's important in gauging trust, which is obviously false.
I always give eye contact, especially with people who are helping or serving me, as so many other people treat them like robots. I want people to know I see them as equal, and not part of some silly Social hierarchy.
I know the way I do eye contact is not the easy, natural NT way, but even my psychologist thought it was "normal". I've had to work on that. It still interrupts my train of thought sometimes, and feels uncomfortable at other times.
It definitely helps people to like you, and if that's a goal then it's worth practising.
I think people have been conditioned to think it's important in gauging trust, which is obviously false.
I always give eye contact, especially with people who are helping or serving me, as so many other people treat them like robots. I want people to know I see them as equal, and not part of some silly Social hierarchy.
I know the way I do eye contact is not the easy, natural NT way, but even my psychologist thought it was "normal". I've had to work on that. It still interrupts my train of thought sometimes, and feels uncomfortable at other times.
It definitely helps people to like you, and if that's a goal then it's worth practising.
Realizing you're likely avoiding a nebulous accusation of being dishonest based only on a bizarre social convention. Not much comfort to be gained, but at least avoiding a pointless confrontation.
i meant their comfort. i'm still missing the connection between eye contact and honest intention. i have read that the best liars will look you right in the eye while doing so (not that i usually looked up to see).
Yes, your part about “See them as equal.” is something I forgot to say, but is of utmost importance.
Because guilt makes standard people (rather than the best liars) look away, I'd guess.
Police always judge someone by their lack of eye contact as “dishonest,” “trying to get away with something, or “guilty of wrong doing.” Police are being trained now in the USA about people with disabilities, but it’s still a pretty awful environment.
I've always had the impression it's just a reflex action on their part. No comfort factor to really consider.
But of course, it's just a guess on my part based on observation.
yes. totally felt like i was witnessing a jungle reflex. but me being me, i gotta pick at it. it is exhausting.
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but many other things besides guilt make people look away too, don't they?
You have to consider this as a social convention of a neurological majority.
That while there might be any number of physiological reasons for a person to look away, NTs are most likely to default to what they think they understand. That a person is being either patently dishonest or evasive at the very least.
The notion that someone's response might be relative to Neurodiversity just isn't likely to occur in most circumstances. This isn't anyone's fault per se. It's just relative to the few number of people on the spectrum who the average Neurotypical have never had any contact with.
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Of course. I was only giving you that connection since you stated you don't see it.
got it, and thanks. so maybe lack of eye contact is first and foremost perceived as a potential dishonesty threat at a base level, even during a relatively casual interaction with strangers. sounds very plausible.
Yes, and people are taught that it's a sign of dishonesty.
Even dogs do it if they are ashamed of what they have done. check out dog shaming videos on you tube.
The way we do it is very different, but if someone has no clue about ND they will default to the best known model.
The other model that they may default to is a show of weakness or social inferiority. That may explain some of the bullying that goes on, as NT people can see lack of eye contact as submissive, and then work to improve their social status by beating up on their perceived social inferiors.
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