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Am l cold and heartless?

I don't think you're "cold and heartless", not at all, you've been very kind to me, and I've witnessed you being kind and supportive to many, many other people, as well.

Perhaps you are somewhat personally "detached" but, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
Maybe there is an element of alexithymia going on for you? I'm just saying this because I do deal with that and it can take time for me to figure out how I feel. It takes work for me to enquire within as to how I feel about people and if there is stress or trauma, that I'm dealing with, even longer. Delayed processing is definitely a thing I've figured out I experience often, and I now take that into account when trying to figure out how I feel about someone.

I do, personally feel that I care about people, on an intellectual and general way, but on a personal level, I think I'm quite detached.

Intellectual stimulation is very important to me and if that is lacking, I can, personally, feel quite indifferent toward people. My love feelings aren't dependant on other's at all, they are independent and coming from a different plane, and yet I experienced limerance toward my now "special friend", attraction for him, affection and friendship, but, at times I feel like I would enjoy singleness just as much.
My children; I love fiercely, but again, it's coming from a different plane that I think is part of my autistic experience. I'm very invested in doing my duty toward them. I'm aware that I'm what they have, as a main support person, and I try my best to deliver but even there there is a level of emotional detachment.
My parents I really struggle to feel connected with, at all.
I do feel "I'm in the world but not of the world" and death has, for the most part, been a comforting thought, as long as no one is unduly hurt by my leaving, like my kid's would've had I died when they were younger, but as long as I'm not needed, I'm quite happy with the thought of leaving it all and everyone here. That's how detached, I generally, am. Is it part of my autistic profile? Probably.
 
Aspychata said:
I want zero romantic connection. I just want to meet someone on their terms, but with no expectations. Is this being ASD? Please don't judge. Just answer from your prospective. Is this my biological disconnect? Please understand, l don't have a personality of doing mean or criminal things, it's just like my disconnect or plug doesn't fit society norms. This is a very difficult issue for me to discuss. However, l don't date much, so my life is relatively safe. I always feel that there is a wall that separates me from whoever l am seeing. We are different in how we make friends, and how we make romantic connections. But somehow this feels like a burden that has lifted from my shoulders.
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Have you had trauma in your life related to relationships and/or sexuality? The "barrier" resonates with me and in my personal experience it's related to trauma issues.
 
My first actual date was at 39 and we married a year later. She passed 2 years ago, after 24 years of marriage. I am not looking for a new romantic partner.
 
Yes, everyone is right, l had delayed processing. My last relationship, the person lied, and gaslight me. That kinda killed the innocent part of me. Now l can't rely on those type of emotions, they just don't exist anymore in regards to romance. There is a bunch of other things l went thru that pushed me there also.
 
Aspychata said:
Yes, everyone is right, l had delayed processing. My last relationship, the person lied, and gaslight me. That kinda killed the innocent part of me.
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I think the suggestion was that something in your history may have caused you emotional dissociation.
I would have expected childhood trauma to have been the cause of that.

I am having trouble keeping up.
Did you say you always had your emotional disconnect?
 
I think l had the ability at one time, l think my last relationship left me shattered. I think l felt l could truly trust them, and that wasn't true. Now l can't trust anymore. I thought they were coming from a place of kindness, because they constantly preached kindness, but now l feel they aren't kind at all.
 
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Aspychata said:
I think l had the ability at one time, l think my last relationship left me shattered. I think l felt l could truly trust them, and that wasn't true. Now l can't trust anymore. I thought they were coming from a place of kindness, because they constantly preached kindness, but now l feel they aren't kind at all.
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I had great difficulty managing my emotional distress after a breakup, to the point of avoiding relationships for 35 years.
When I did fall in love again, it was platonic.
And when we moved apart, I was devastated, again, and it took me a full year to recover.

As a result, I was never the same again and developed a degree of protective emotional distancing.
I think this is to be expected.

I guess the "evidence" may suggest you have changed due to your bad experiences.
I don't think we have a definitive answer, however.

Perhaps we should arrange another therapeutic session next week.
I am afraid our time is up today. :P [/spoil]
 
I am not a lab rat, so evidence isn't necessary, this is just a discussion to see how others approach similar thoughts. :)
 
Aspychata said:
I am not a lab rat, so evidence isn't necessary, this is just a discussion to see how others approach similar thoughts. :)
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This is the way I do discussions. lol
I am one of those clueless ultra-rational aspies.
Apologies.
 
Aspychata said:
I want zero romantic connection. I just want to meet someone on their terms, but with no expectations. Is this being ASD? Please don't judge. Just answer from your prospective. Is this my biological disconnect? Please understand, l don't have a personality of doing mean or criminal things, it's just like my disconnect or plug doesn't fit society norms. This is a very difficult issue for me to discuss. However, l don't date much, so my life is relatively safe. I always feel that there is a wall that separates me from whoever l am seeing. We are different in how we make friends, and how we make romantic connections. But somehow this feels like a burden that has lifted from my shoulders.
Click to expand...
Very late to this thread but the way you've described yourself almost fits my own outlook to a tee. I too have zero desire for romantic connection. It's just never been something that I felt that I actually needed. In my youth, 20's, I thought I needed to try to get into a relationship to meet societal expectations but they never worked for me. I think the longest relationship I've ever had only maybe lasted 5-6 months. And that's being generous in how the time is added up as it wasn't concurrent. In my 40's now and in terms of actual relationships I've had I can count them on one hand.

I always found that I'd get into a relationship and then just not be able to provide what the relationship required to stay healthy. I just never had it in me to provide what a relationship needed. That intimacy and amount of connection, and time. Also I had trouble deciphering what my partners emotions were. I just always thought I was bad at relationships so I stopped trying. Then I find out early 40's I'm autistic and it all suddenly made sense.

I am not opposed to the idea of a relationship, I can see value in it, but I'm not looking for one at all these days. If it happens it happens, but it will because it is someone I truly connect with, and not someone I'm trying to create an artificial connection with for the sake of pleasing societal norms.
 
Old thread. I feel more inclined to share a perspective, though.

I've always wanted / felt a pull to be in a romantic relationship with a gal, but I've never once forced it or have ever been aggressive in making one happen. I've struggled with ever feeling like I should be who any woman thinks is the best option for her. I've never once had that mindset and honestly would feel like that's an arrogant way to be - I don't ever like even being mistaken for arrogant or cocky or such. During a romantic relationship, I know what is expected, and I always try to remember, try to be attentive, try to be present, but I always tend to have issues of not enough focus that a woman (or just those particular women) desired. My fault, so I own it, but I swear it was never my intentions. There's just more times that I don't "feel" like I'm supposed to, compared to what I see or notice in most everyone else, and I can't force feeling such, either.

If this next part is going too far, edit me. I'll understand.... I haven't ever "failed" per se, regarding physical areas of a romantic relationship. I've actually felt like it was all that I got correct, in hindsight. Again, no arrogance or over-confidence or bro-dude-pride going on in my head at all about this. I honestly feel ashamed mostly because I'd rather that I got the mental aspects well done, rather than the physical acts. I think that I was "used" to degrees over this area of ability, even. That brings more shame because I didn't recognize or realize it until after the fact. Anyway, all of mentioning this is to preface that...okay...I do the act well. No complaints. But...in that / those moments it gets to be like how I can handle being social in any other way - I am hyper-focused on what I'm doing (for lack of better phrasing...the "job" if you will) and when it is done, everything floods in per mental and physical feelings like I just got back from an out of body experience (almost...kind of weird to fully explain). It seems that I dissociate a little in those instances, even though what I do is...well done...nothing weird or anything...never wrong or harmful, etc. It's just extremely weird because I will still feel a pinch of pride for accomplishment to the pleasure of the woman, but I just as instantly feel like I don't belong there or in the moment at all and maybe because in whatever way, I wasn't...??? In such times, I do question if I'm basically just like a robot or something. In such times, I do question if I need or want any of it at all, or am I just constantly trying to match societal norms that are pressed upon us by / from so many different mediums - from our parents to what they teach on sex in schools to what we see in every form of media, now..?
 
I sometimes sort of dream of having a wife, that we could just chill out without much emotional or activity demands, that we could enjoy the company, etc, but not expecting much. I don't know if that even exists.
 
For a number of autistic males, romance is like walking in a minefield wearing Birkenstocks.

So when the right person comes along, we may ignore them, too often prone to looking at the ground and waiting for it all to blow up. "Kobyashi Maru". - A "no-win" situation. :confused:
 
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