Am I Missing Secret Signals

[Gomendosi]

I must secretly be exuding my loneliness akin to an invisible mist of sexual longing, perhaps I wear my lack of human affection like a paltry cloak of pathetic ineptitude. Whatever it is, women I talk to for a little while feel that it is certainly necessary for me to hear about their own partners, not in a conversational way but in a way that feels like a quick casual reminder on the small chance the conversation sound like its turning into a quiet street where a few of the street lamps are out and the police make very few patrols! ; ]

Okay, I admit I have a slightly exaggeratory bent to my writing but that is certainly what it feels like to me, that as I talk I more or less lean forward in their mind and start peering down their blouse, now, I have written a similar piece in another post already and had it adequately answered. No, what I am looking for here is if a few of you guys could point out situations in which you have had to gently prod a man with a gentle reminder of your already taken status and what it was that he said or did that led you to surreptitiously mention you significant other, I would be interested to correlate the data and see if their is a common factor that I am so far unaware of in myself.

I also would like to find out if I am just being paranoid as for all I know, it could simply be that I am so unutterably handsome and vocally suave that you ladies feel the need to remind yourselves that your not available while in my presence ; ]

HEY, that last bit could be true... you don't know!

 

[epath13]

Are you talking about this forum only?

I personally don't expect anyone here to hit on me because it's clearly stated in my profile that I'm taken, plus lots of people seem to be much younger. So if I mention my husband I do so when it's relevant. But I can't speak for other women it seems to me that most of girls are taken here...I think... It looks that way...

 

[Gomendosi]

Sorry... Yes... I kind of did mean on the outside world as I would hardly be chatting up women I've never met, via a computer, that live half a world away, in a site designed to help me make sense of things when I cant work out if I am giving out secret signals to the ones I encounter in my daily life. Thanks for that, I laughed so hard a little bit of wee came out :lol:

No, this definitely applies to Real Life & if I led you to think that then I really, really do need help

When I was talking about ladies and women I meant in general, in relation to the fact of me being a man.

No, what I am looking for here is if a few of you guys could point out situations in which you have had to gently prod a man with a gentle reminder of your already taken status and what it was that he said or did that led you to surreptitiously mention you significant other

When I said that bit, I meant if there has been a situation where you have had to gently mention you were taken so a man didn't think he had a chance with you and by that I dont mean me!

PS: If you were actually serious epath13, then I apologize for laughing ; ]

 

[epath13]

got it it was kinda hard to say, what you've meant exactly... as for the "outside world" - yeah, a few times here and there I did mention and I was pretty much straight forward about it I didn't even try to be nice and if I see someone's trying to flirt or something I usually put on my "f... off" face on covered with "I'm trying to be polite here" smile ... but if a guy is shy, I can just give him "sorry" smile without the "f... off" face. When I was younger and single I was way more of an ass if I was bothered by someone's approaching me in that way. It's like this if I haven't decided that I want to be with you than you shouldn't even talk to me. yeah...well

why are you asking anyway? I might be wrong ...again...but do women think that you're implying something when you talk to them that's why they keep mentioning their "others" while you're just talking? I think that's what you meant...

and personally some guys' way of talking does bother me because I don't know what exactly they mean I personally think there's certain protocol how to talk in what situations, ...it could just be all in my head... but I prefer to keep it that way, it's easier to function when rules are in place.

I also noticed some older men (like around 60s probably) tend to speak a little differently, and they might follow different rules. So my attitude can't be applied in conversations with them unless they're being provocative.

You just reminded me one more time why I don't like socializing or I should probably rephrase it - why socializing is so tiring you can't just say to someone who suddenly starts talking to you (in any situation): "I'm not interested in talking with you. Go away!!" but then again I expect everyone to be interested in what I have to say... so I guess it's only fair

 

[Gomendosi]

why are you asking anyway? I might be wrong ...again...but do women think that you're implying something when you talk to them that's why they keep mentioning their "others" while you're just talking? I think that's what you meant...

Yeah and it really bugs me this, I think its because I make no distinction between who is 'worthy' of talking to and who isn't, because I pretty much will talk to anyone these days as I have been trying to get more 'normal' so I don't stand out at my job as a salesman, I have to deal with all sorts of people at work and it is physically and emotionally draining on so many levels.
To cope with that I 'practice' on whoever will stand still long enough. On the walk home there is an old lady and her cat and I talk to the women where I get my coffee, pretty much anyone who is working on a checkout really. Also as I live alone I think that these random conversational bytes stop me from dwelling on that fact.

It just seems that because people are so insular these days if someone tries to engage them in a conversation for no apparent reason, its automatically seen as suspect behavior. I offer no mention of anything that implies romantic interest, I stick to innocuous topics and either move on when my purchase is complete or after a few minutes in conversations with strangers.
Even a few guys have said things that make me think I might sound gay to them. Also as I am a natural joker I thought that that might come off as a come on, so to speak ; ]

Don't get me wrong though, its not a 100% as I do actually have conversations with both sexes where no significant other is mentioned, I just wondered how a woman comes to that point in the conversation where she feels she should slip in a reference to a significant other, what makes her feel that that needs to be said with no lead-in at all

 

[epath13]

I can't really have a clear picture just from what you're saying but it also could be in the way you talk to women. I'm wondering what kind of women usually start mentioning things? Is there a particular type? And to be honest I'm not sure why does it bother you? If they misinterpret your intentions it's not really your problem... The reason why I'm asking about the "type" is because some women might have had lots of experiences with men approaching them so they watch for even slightest warning signs, some can have some sort of misconceptions about certain men etc.

 

[Gomendosi]

I'm wondering what kind of women usually start mentioning things? Is there a particular type? And to be honest I'm not sure why does it bother you?

No, there is no type and its always just run of the mill conversation like hows the weather and have you been busy and what sort of customers have you had.

My guess is that the reason why it bothers me so, is that I feel like I am getting along great with someone and we are enjoying a conversation like an ordinary person and then they just go and derail the whole thing with the idea that while I was talking I suddenly became this leering beast and I am quite certain this cant happen unless I am doing something subconsciously, as I can guarantee that I am not doing anything untoward on purpose. I just want to have pleasant interactions with people including those that are not men!

Anyhow, epath13, thank you for your input into this but I feel like I am talking round in circles now and as I don't look to be getting any further different opinions I probably should let it go ; ]

 

[Spinning Compass]

Do you have any trusted women friends that you can ask? Because it does sound like you may indeed be giving off signals and you don't realize it. For example you mentioned that women react to you as if you were leering or looking down their blouses. Women don't react that way for no reason.

Many years ago a guy gave me a bit of advice that no one else ever bothered to point out to me. Like many people on the spectrum I have a hard time looking people in the eye. So I would look elsewhere, but apparently I was not careful about where that "elsewhere" was, because he said I was staring at his crotch, and that was giving him sexual signals. So if I did not want to sleep with him (I most definitely did not!) that I'd better be aware of where my eyes were looking. You'd better believe from that point on, I made it a practice to be aware of where my gaze was directed. This may be what women are picking up from you and why they are saying that they are taken.

 

[Gomendosi]

Actually, I have, I've spoken to a young lady and her fianc?e that I have been getting to know recently and I just asked outright, she said that I reminded her of a documentary she saw once where men look at the face during a conversation with the opposite sex and women look everywhere on the body in an effort to discern body language and the like. It turns out that while I thought I was just looking around to avoid eye contact I have actually been doing what females apparently do and watching the whole body to make up for the fact that I cant read faces. However, when I do look at the face I look at the end of the nose or the top lip so as to see the whole face and shoulders at the same time and will keep that gaze for what is deemed too long.

This had recently become quite a thorn in my side as I was beginning to think I could develop a reputation...
Now, it might be interesting to find out if anyone else has a problem discerning facial expression and what they do to compensate as I understand that this is a quite common trait in Aspies ; ]

 

[Spinning Compass]

Men look at the face and women look over the whole body . . . funny, I would have thought it would have been the opposite. There are men who will deliberately and aggressively look up and down a woman's body, when you have had that happen, as I have, it's not very pleasant at all. I dare say many if not most females know what I am talking about, especially those of us who are "well-endowed."

However, it is true that women look over other women, but in my experience it is not a sexual thing as it is with men. It is more like a comparing looks thing. The glance at someone's shoes as she is walking by, then up to her face then quickly look away. Sometimes, if the woman who is doing this is with a group of other women, and especially if they are young, this may be followed by whispers and half-muted laughter when their victim is almost but not quite out of earshot. This is a deliberate, subtle form of targeting. Sometimes this is accompanied by a grimace. Either way, it is intended to send a signal that what that person is wearing isn't quite acceptable, but with no intention of actually coming out and telling that person so. It's a power game, and one that for the most part goes undetected.

 

[Droopy]

I can understand what you are saying Gomendosi but unfortunately I don't have an answer to your question. The only thing that I can think of has already been mentioned - it may be to do with where you are looking when talking to them. Please continue the topic though as it is interesting and hopefully someone will come along with the answer that you need.

 

[Gomendosi]

Horizon - Whats The Problem With Nudity (2009)
This is apparently the documentary the lady was telling me about, so I am going to check it out myself and let you guys know ; ]

 

[Socialskillsdan]

Hmm. I see two possible issues here. Either you're giving off negative signals, or you're misinterpreting the signals you're receiving.

Negative signals first. It's possible you're doing something to make the women you're talking with uncomfortable. Perhaps you're standing too close (you should let her set the distance) or talking too loud (make sure your voice is similar in volume to hers.) Perhaps you're starting to feel interested in her, and that's coming through (are you thinking about "Maybe I could date this girl?" or are you just chatting with her as a friend?) As already mentioned, your best option is to ask a trusted friend or family member to observe your conversations and let you know if there's something you're doing wrong.

Second, it's possible you're actually doing ok, and you're not making the women uncomfortable at all. If a girl is dating someone, that relationship is a significant part of her life, and it's natural that it would come up in conversation. You may be misinterpreting the way that it's delivered--perhaps you think a girl is mentioning her boyfriend to warn you off, but in reality all she's doing is letting you know something about her life (and if she wants to share with you, that means that the conversation is going well!)
Again, this is a good thing to ask a trusted friend or family member. You can also check this yourself. If you are making a girl uncomfortable, she'll signal it in other ways than just mentioning her boyfriend. Her body language will become more cold--she might turn away from you. Her tone will get more frosty, and her answers will get shorter. She'll start looking for an opportunity to exit the conversation, so she will be unlikely to ask you a question or respond to your questions in depth.
The converse is true. If a girl has warm body language and is fully facing you, and she has a happy tone, and she's giving long answers to your questions and asking questions of her own, you can assume that she's probably enjoying her conversation. Even if she mentions her boyfriend, that doesn't mean she's uncomfortable with you--that just means the boyfriend was relevant to the conversation.
Does that make sense/does that help?