Am I Expecting Too Much?

[nowwhat]

Id say his plate is full. Remember, having a wife and kids means that the extra demands on one's temporal and emotional resources far outstrip the help you receive doing things because there are so many more things to do. Sorry to breakmit to you, but you are lower in priority than his family, which means your friend's priorities are in order. Also, not sure what the subject of the emails was, but it simply might be unimportant to him, and blhaving a family means he already is obligated to care about things just because several other people do. There might not be enough of him left to stretch to cover your demands.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Actually, I do know what he does with his days since I've known the guy about fifteen years. He's not running a business, but rather does bookbinding in his basement. He has commented on that I do in fact work more and harder than he does. And as for being a pastor, he's the head of our house church group, NOT a traditional church with the usual demands.

Your comments are noted and no further comments are needed from you, thank you.

Mr snarky. Guy was giving you a different perspective and trying to help.
Take a bit of time and respond to people in the spirit they respond to you.
Maybe then your friends will also respond differently.

Perhaps you're being snarky with them and do not realise. It can happen!

No more response from me will be given.

 

[Annieoh]

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

 

[Annieoh]

I think your expectations of this particular person are too great. Your expectations of what you are seeking from a friend are simply what they are - you need to find someone else to fulfill those expectations, though. He sounds very busy and trying to stay on top of his responsibilities - he is not shifting those around in order to make time to think about and respond to your emails at whatever your schedule of need is. I have had to learn to accept things like this and not take it personally, and not expect other people to fit my schedule/needs - instead, I just observe how I feel about it, and I will get that need met somewhere else if possible. Though you are marking the emails as being important or urgent to signify your needs, he is signifying his needs by only responding according to his own schedule/needs - so I would just pick up on that as a signal from him about his needs and respect those, since it is a two-way street. He's also probably got other people emailing him as well, on top of all of his usual responsibilities. It may simply be that for him, he needs to prioritize his tasks in a certain way in order to be able to handle them the best way for him. I've had to learn this as well as my friends "grew up" and took on further responsibilities and have entire lives outside of me, that I can't go on communicating at the rate or the ways in which we used to. Also, as I have grown in understanding their possible perspective, I myself have learned to limit myself more and have my needs met in other ways, or just learned to meet them myself.

h
Yes.... He is Married with children.
A friendship that has no demands i believe is all that is possible.

 

[Annieoh]

Yes. Your expectations ar

I suppose this could go here or in the relationships forum. Someone can move it if it's in the wrong place.

Anyway, I've been struggling with my expectations concerning my closest friend. He's married with kids (three older 23, 25, 27 and two little ones 5 and 8), does bookbinding and eBay for an income, and writing; though he's not making money from that . . . yet. He's also the pastor of our house church group, which entails putting together a lesson for each Sunday and a midweek group meeting. All of that is to lay a little foundation of his activities.

One of my pet peeves is not receiving a response to e-mail, especially if it's something I clearly deem important or mention, "I can't wait to hear what you think," or something to that effect. I prefer to send e-mail as I can see what I'm trying to say. Over the phone or on Skype, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.

Well, [my friend] does not respond to my e-mail. Now I don't expect an answer to each and every one, as I tend to send short messages to share information. What irritates me is when he doesn't respond to what I feel needs a response, especially those that I feel important. By the time he gets around to "discussing it," I usually have forgotten, the moment has passed, or it's too late.

So, are my expectations too great? I'm open to opinion and/or advice, especially from a married perspective since I'm single and maybe am not grasping what it's like for a married man.

over the top for a married man. You should not be so attatched to a married man.
Your complaints are that he does not respond in a timely manner. He has a life that is separate from you.

 

[WittyAspie]

There has been some interesting responses and useful input shared concerning my "situation" in this thread. This morning another "thing" has added to my consternation. The friend in question told me early in the week that we would meet via Skype yesterday (Saturday) and that he would let me know what time. I never received an e-mail, text, phone-call, nothing. Frankly, I am starting to wonder if I value his friendship more than he values mine or if I'm on a different "friend level." If he was unable to Skype, then I feel the least he could have done is sent a quick text advising me of the postponement. It irks me, as I look at him as being a greater person than me, so I tend to expect better from him in regard to our relationship.

It is easy to think too highly of our teachers, especially if they are teaching us about the Bible. But remember that everyone is human and full of their own flaws. You can still respect him as a teacher without putting him on a pedestal do to speak.

 

[nowwhat]

There has been some interesting responses and useful input shared concerning my "situation" in this thread. This morning another "thing" has added to my consternation. The friend in question told me early in the week that we would meet via Skype yesterday (Saturday) and that he would let me know what time. I never received an e-mail, text, phone-call, nothing. Frankly, I am starting to wonder if I value his friendship more than he values mine or if I'm on a different "friend level." If he was unable to Skype, then I feel the least he could have done is sent a quick text advising me of the postponement. It irks me, as I look at him as being a greater person than me, so I tend to expect better from him in regard to our relationship.

As I stated previously, you are a lower priority for him than his wife, kids and the storm of attendant responsibilities that go with having a family. You are free to continue to admire him, because this is as it should be. Because his life is completely full of people stuff now, he probably isnt up for more of same, which is what you are demanding of him.

As far as his not bothering to cancel or notify, it seems to me you arent grasping his situation and he is reluctant to explain this, so is waiting for you to catch on. His plate is full.

 

[Manuheleku]

There has been some interesting responses and useful input shared concerning my "situation" in this thread. This morning another "thing" has added to my consternation. The friend in question told me early in the week that we would meet via Skype yesterday (Saturday) and that he would let me know what time. I never received an e-mail, text, phone-call, nothing. Frankly, I am starting to wonder if I value his friendship more than he values mine or if I'm on a different "friend level." If he was unable to Skype, then I feel the least he could have done is sent a quick text advising me of the postponement. It irks me, as I look at him as being a greater person than me, so I tend to expect better from him in regard to our relationship.

You'd probably be better off just putting him on your acquaintance list. Nod and give him a "yo dude" in the hall as you pass, if he wants a conversation and you are in the mood, fine, otherwise you will stress out trying to figure out where the guy is coming from. I wouldn't think that you are going to get anywhere trying to make any plans to get together, ever, judging by his track record.

 

[Grandmother B]

Well, there has been an interesting development. My friend is coming to spend a few days with me. He's scheduled to arrive tomorrow evening and will stay through Tuesday or possibly Wednesday. I took Friday off and have been "deep cleaning" my house for two days. I thought I kept a clean house, but am finding that I'm actually a bit of slob.

Anyway, I have mixed feelings about his visit. There's a part of me that's excited to see my friend, but on the other hand I can't help but wonder, "Why?" Since he never responds to my messages and I would have an easier time getting an audience with the Pope than him, it makes me wonder if there's some sort of agenda that I'm not seeing. I'll post an update about the visit after he comes and goes.

I certainly hope not! If it turns out that he does want to "use" you for some purpose known only to him, I pray that you will finally cut ties with him. It shouldn't take long for him to bring it to the fore. If he even shows up. I would worry about that, at this point. At which time, I would not even contact him to see why, I would just put him out of the picture and concentrate on friends who really care. Blessings and luck to you!

 

[Bella Pines]

can you try introducing him to whatsapp or facebook messenger? Slow enough to gather thoughts but with an alert to encourage a response.

 

[Judge]

The visit with my friend was good, though I'm not convinced that it will yield any positive long term results. I have to accept the fact that he is one of those people that has to constantly have too much on his plate, which creates other problems, which in turn creates even more problems, ad nauseam.

I think that sums it all up rather well. Sadly though it reflects virtually all my perceived "friendships" with adults over the years. That they are more apt to be "fair-weather friends" than what I'd personally call the "real deal". Or fictional characters you might see on television.

That in my world, the term "Best Friend Forever" is just a myth. Folkore in a fast-paced society in which most social interactions remain fleeting rather than establish solid roots, trust and mutual aid and assistance.

 

[Keigan]

The visit with my friend was good, though I'm not convinced that it will yield any positive long term results. I have to accept the fact that he is one of those people that has to constantly have too much on his plate, which creates other problems, which in turn creates even more problems, ad nauseam.

Sounds like a good conclusion to your original concerns.

 

[Joel's Hear]

NTs brains are wires up to their world which literally means everything to them and they don't have much time for an autistic man. In truth, I think your preacher friend doesn't sound evil, but does sound like his whole schtick is to always be seen as extremely busy (and therefore a part of the world and important). As an autistic man, you don't know how to validate his self or blow his ego-bubble right, therefore he dismisses you. I imagine, on some level, he really likes and respects you, but, like in the bible, some of the seeds to fruition are choked out by the weeds and cares of the world (or pretend cares).

"If you don't hate the world, you cannot follow me."

 

[Joel's Hear]

It has been six months (give or take a few days) since I started this thread and have received some interesting feedback. Things have changed since that time, so I thought I'd give an update and see what sort of feedback I'll get.

A couple months ago my friend and I set a time to Skype. I got set up, logged on, and waited at the scheduled time. He never logged on, so I sent an e-mail explaining I had waited, but figured he was having a problem or something. The following day I received a response that he got tied up and totally forgot.

Then at the end of January we scheduled another time for Skype. The exact same thing happened. Once again I sent him an e-mail letting him know that I was logged on, but he never showed up and once again I got the same response. I sent him a response that perhaps it would be better for him to call me instead of scheduling a time for Skype since that way he could do it when it was good for him. As far as I'm concerned, I'm through with Skype.

He got upset and said my response was disproportional to what happened. I cannot seem to make him understand that my sitting here waiting for him to log on to Skype and then not is no different than sitting in a restaurant waiting for him to show up and then not; and then later saying, "Oops,. sorry, I forgot."

At this point in time he has yet to call even though I suggested that. I'm fine with a phone call at any time, but I'm unwilling to sit foolishly in front of the monitor waiting for him to Skype and then hope he does.

I'm married and have three kids. In the off chance I say I'll do something I will do it, if not, and I care for the person, I will be extremely sad and apologetic. You have to realize your friend has changed and doesn't want you in his life.

 

[Progster]

I can totally relate to this. This is a HUGE issue I'm having with my students and their parents - I communicate with the parents via email and have the lessons on Skype. They are constantly either: not responding to my emails, cancelling at last minute, not turning up at all (this happened today), or wanting to change the schedule at the last minute. Sometimes they don't turn up and when I send an email to the parents informing them that the student didn't turn up, I get an email back "sorry, I was at a party." "Sorry, I forgot" or "Sorry, I was too busy." I get that people have busy lives and other obligations, but I don't buy that they can't find two minutes of their time to email me to tell me that the lesson is cancelled. I don't mind so much if the student has suddenly taken ill, or has a technical problem which is not their fault, but if the reason is that they were at a party, for example, then I find that unacceptable and rude. I like to have a set schedule for the week, with the lessons organised and I like to know for each day exactly what I'm going to be doing, and it really stresses me out that they want to make changes at the last minute. I ask them to give me 24 hours notice of cancellations and changes, but that rarely happens. I guess that for them it just isn't important because they aren't trying to make a living from the lesson, but for me it's my livelihood, and I wish that people would show me more courtesy and respect.

 

[Jane Smith]

I find this super interesting! I had no idea that e-mails were so important to Aspies. He may not know either?

Just ask him why he doesn't answer the e-mails immediately. Or ask if there is another better way of reaching him?

Worse case scenario he just tells you he is busy and hasn't gotten around to it. Might provide perspective and closure!

 

[nowwhat]

Jeez. Leave the guy alone already. Take the hint. This is getting ridiculous.

 

[Fitzo]

Trying to figure out what is really going on with this guy is only going to end up driving you crazy. You have to decide to either just accept that he has a completely different perspective on what's important or even polite or basically remove him from your friend list and move him to acquaintance!

I know how frustrating it can be, but clearly it is not going to change. My own brother is exactly the same and even though we were brought up with the same values and understanding of etiquette, nothing I say gets through to him! Even if I send him something like a gift voucher via email and ask him to let me know he has received it, I always have to end up asking a second time.
I usually end up getting something like 'oh yeah, sorry I forgot'. It drives me spare! And he's equally bad at responding to emails, texts or phone messages.
If he wasn't my brother I'm sure we would not be still communicating. But he's my only sibling, what are you gonna do? I just have to accept that in some areas we live on totally different planets.